Chapter 2
Two
Sabina
My limbs are heavy as I force myself to move alongside Caiden through the party. I fix a smile on my face and play the part, accepting well wishes and meeting nobles.
People spin and turn on the dance floor while others mingle around at the tall tables sipping champagne and eating hors d’oeuvres.
There’s dinner at midnight. Apparently, it’s some kind of tradition on the first night of Darkfall to take in the dark sky, then eat a feast when we should normally be asleep.
Not that I’m in a hurry to get to bed. My stomach churns at the thought. Caiden said he won’t force intimacy, but I don’t know how long I can hold him off now that he’s my husband.
Pain blooms in my head, mirroring the ache in my chest. I’m married to him.
I married the Emperor of Pendralia.
Nausea rises, and I don’t think I can hold back much longer. “Excuse me, Your Majesty, I need to freshen up.”
Caiden snaps his fingers. “Brevan, Stanley, please escort my wife, our lovely empress.” He kisses my cheek. My skin crawls so intensely, I want to peel it from my bones. I grip the fabric of my dress so hard I can feel my fingernails digging into my palm. “Don’t be long. I’d miss you too much.”
The pair of women standing near us giggle and murmur, but the blood rushing in my ears prevents me from hearing anything.
Wife. Empress.
I rush to the doors without causing a scene, but as soon as I’m in the hallway, I vomit on the polished stone floor.
“Empress, are you alright?” Stanley, a younger guard who has been shadowing Brevan is by my side instantly. The guards who were watching the door also race over, peppering me with questions.
“I’m fine,” I lie. “I think it’s just a lot of excitement and nerves.”
Someone brushes my hair away from my face and gathers it at the base of my head. “Go tell the emperor that his wife is ill. She needs to return to her rooms.”
I remain bent over, staring at the puddle of sick because I can’t possibly stand and face the man who is gingerly holding my hair. He brushes a loose strand. “Empress? Do you need to do it again, or are you ready to retreat?”
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, then rise slowly. He releases my hair, and I keep my gaze lowered, too ashamed to look at him. “I’m ready. I’d like to go to my rooms.”
“I brought the emperor,” Stanley calls, breathless.
I spin to find Caiden with a well-practiced look of concern etched on his face. He approaches me and rests his palm on my cheek, then my forehead. “You do feel a little warm. Perhaps you overheated in the crowd.”
“Probably.” It’s taking everything I have to hold his attention and not look over at the enforcer.
I swear the only heat I’m feeling right now is the kind radiating from Brevan.
I can feel him there even without the scent of leather and soap circling, taunting me with memories of my face against his skin.
My fingers twitch as I fight everything my body wants. Everything my heart and soul want. “It was a big day. I should rest.”
“Of course. Please take her to my rooms. I’ll join her after the festivities conclude.” He leans forward and kisses my forehead gently. I close my eyes and fight the threatening tears. It feels so gentle and genuine, but I know him. I know it’s all an act.
It’s his way of ensuring that everyone will turn on me if I step a single toe out of line. If I so much as bat my eyelashes at the wrong man, I’ll be the one who strayed, and he’ll be the doting emperor nursing a broken heart.
“Of course, Your Majesty,” Brevan says.
“Stanley, I want you to guard her door. Brevan, you can return once she’s safely inside the room. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on the party. After all, now that I’m married, you are the most eligible bachelor in Pendralia.”
If my heart wasn’t already splintered into a million pieces, it would be now.
“I will join you as soon as I’m finished.” Brevan’s tone is flat. Detached. But not in the same way it was when we first met.
I destroyed him. I took all the good that was left in him, and I crushed it. I’m the monster.
We’re silent on the walk to Caiden’s rooms, and all I can think about is how grateful I am that he kept his rooms instead of moving to his father’s. I don’t think I could handle being in those rooms alone.
It’s painful walking so close to Brevan without being able to say a word to him. Without being able to touch him. To comfort him. To reassure him that the wedding meant nothing to me. That I’m only bound to Caiden to save the lives of those I care about. The gods would know it wasn’t a true union.
He knows why I’m doing it, but he still can’t bring himself to look at me.
When we reach the door, I’m desperate to get inside, if only to let out the breath I’m holding. Preferably while screaming.
The hall is dark, the torches burning lower than usual in honor of the lack of moonlight. Something about reminding us. The duchess tried to explain it to me, but I wasn’t really listening.
Brevan opens the door, then does a quick sweep of the room. When he determines it’s safe, he steps back into the hall. “I hope you feel better soon, Empress.”
“Yes, and congratulations, Your Majesty,” Stanley says.
I still can’t meet Brevan’s eyes as I nod to them, then retreat into the dimly lit room. As soon as the door closes behind me, I freeze where I’m standing waiting for the anger or sadness or pain to come.
Instead, I’m rooted to the spot, and I feel nothing.
The fire crackles. I turn to it and watch the flames dance for a long while. For a moment, they look purple, and the strange color snaps me from my stupor. I move a little closer and then chastise myself for thinking something so ridiculous.
I begin to undo the braid on my head. A woman I’d never met had braided a headband across the top and left the rest of my hair down.
Something about showing off my Iskvalandian nature.
I didn’t comment or ask questions. In fact, the entire time she prepared me for the wedding, I was silent as I am now.
Is that my life? My future? A shell of myself, no longer able to tell who I am. Am I Sabina? Am I Taylan? A rebel or an empress? I don’t know anymore.
I thought I was broken after my brothers died. That I had lost everything and had nothing left to live for.
I was wrong.
Because they’d have wanted me to live. Even at my worst, there was a flicker of them encouraging me to continue. It’s probably why I trudged on, even when I was reluctant.
But now.
Now I have tasted love and had it torn from me.
Every day I have to see the damage I did to the man I gave my very soul to. Death would be too kind for me. Too compassionate.
A cold breeze sends my hair into my face and has the fabric of my dress rippling. Someone left the balcony open.
I cross the room and kick off my shoes before stepping onto the cold metal. It stings my feet, reminding me I’m alive.
The kiss of the late winter cold bites at my cheeks like a soothing friend. I marvel at the stars in the sky resembling a handful of jewels and shimmering stones thrown onto smooth black velvet.
Without the moons, there are more stars everywhere like glittering dust across the night sky.
I don’t think I’ve ever looked up during Darkfall. It was always a time to be afraid. To stay indoors and wait out the darkness. But it’s not dark at all.
It’s beautiful.
So why were we hiding from it? All this time, the night sky was a gift while the moons slumbered. Yet, we were kept away from it.
Something in the back of my mind nags at me as if urging me to uncover what I’ve hidden away. Something about danger and beauty. How darkness and the things we’re told to be afraid of aren’t what they seem.