Chapter 23
Twenty-Three
Sabina
For a moment, I’m too surprised to react. Then I shove him and step back. My lower lip trembles and my eyes blur. I blink away the unshed tears. I can’t let him know he got to me.
“Fuck, Sabina. I don’t know why I did that. I just can’t with you.”
He makes a frustrated growl, then returns to the table. With his back to me, he fills his wine glass to the brim, then knocks it back in a few large gulps. He fills it again and does the same. Then he starts opening a new bottle.
I’m still standing there, trembling slightly, trying to catch my breath as I watch him. What the fuck just happened? He wasn’t drunk. He wasn’t trying to seduce me.
Caiden lost control.
And I’m the one who made him lose it.
That’s useful but I’m not sure I want to have that power.
I don’t think I can follow that to where it leads.
A few months ago, I was prepared to do anything it took to complete my mission.
After I met Brevan, the thought of being with anyone else, even to meet my goals, felt like too great a betrayal.
But it’s not just that.
There’s something there. Something in Caiden that wasn’t in his father. It terrifies me that I’m doubting his intentions.
He turns around slowly, a newly filled glass in his hands. “Why are you still here?”
“You wanted to see my mark.” I don’t know why I say it. Why I haven’t left. What the fuck is wrong with me? I continue to make the stupidest decisions. I’m playing a game with no rules. No goals. No winners.
I point to the table. “You stay over there. You don’t move. Then I’ll show you.”
He’s silent so long I think he might have just blocked me and the rest of the world out completely. Finally, he nods. “I’ll sit.”
“Good idea.”
I wait until he’s seated, then I turn around and lower the top of my underclothes, letting them bunch around my waist while I cover my breasts with my arms.
Glancing over my shoulder, I check that he’s still in his chair. He’s sipping the wine, studying me as if I’m a work of art.
Chills run down my spine and I hate to admit that they aren’t accompanied by the usual revulsion. Something between us has shifted.
“Did you know that the more elaborate the design, the stronger the magic?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“I should probably be more concerned about you.”
I pull my top up, then step over to my abandoned dress. “What is yours? How have I never seen it before?”
“Do you want to see it?”
I pull the dress on, then turn to face him while I lace it up. “Maybe.”
“I’ve never known you to not be curious,” he says.
“And I know you don’t do anything that doesn’t benefit you,” I say.
“You’re right. I don’t think I’ll show them to you. At least not yet. They’re rather intimate.”
I roll my eyes. “I think I should go.”
“Not yet.”
With a sigh, I cross my arms over my chest. “You don’t have a history of holding up your end of the bargain. You want me to participate in these things, yet you keep Anya away.”
“You’ll be reunited soon enough.” He pulls out my chair. “You need to eat. I will keep my hands to myself.”
It benefits me to be on his good side, and I am feeling hungry again, so I return to the table and begin to eat. He drains another glass and I notice his eyes are heavier. His movements less graceful.
“You’re drunk,” I point out.
“This is what you do to me, little raven. I can’t think straight around you, so I drink. It keeps me from acting on my…darker impulses.”
I don’t even want to go there, but possibly he’s more honest while drunk. Ludis always was. “Why am I really here tonight, Caiden? We both know you’d be having more fun with some other woman.”
He sets his nearly empty glass down on the table, then fills it to the top. “Aside from the fact that you intrigue me?”
“Don’t play with me. I know you too well.”
“I think you do. You might be the only one who sees me. How strange is that?” He takes another drink.
I wait, hoping he continues talking.
After he sets his cup down, he lets out a long sigh. “I want to see your magic. Figure out what it is you can do. Without you holding back. I want to know if you’re like me. Or if you’re different. If you’re useful in some way, other than of course, pleasing me.”
I groan. “You couldn’t help yourself could you? You had to add that comment in to remind me how much of an asshole you are.”
“You’d rather I placate you with sweet words and false promises?”
“We’re so far beyond that,” I tell him.
He leans across the table. “I think you like it. I think you like when I remind you of how desirable you are. And I know you’d enjoy yourself if you just gave in.” He leans back. “Besides, I’ve never had any complaints.”
“That is not how you get a woman to bed you.” I drag my finger around the rim of my glass to distract myself from the fact that he might be on to something because I’m enjoying our conversation more than I should.
“It works on everyone but you.” He lifts his glass to me in a salute.
“Because they’re afraid of you. Or they want something from you.”
“Well, I think you were afraid of me. At one point. And you do want something from me, yet you resist. Even when they have a man waiting for them, so many women are eager to warm my bed.”
For a moment, I almost feel sorry for him. How would he ever know if anyone liked him for who he was? Then I remember that he’s insufferable and that’s not a mistake most people would make. He knows exactly who he is. “Well, I know you. They don’t.”
He laughs, then takes another drink. When he sets the glass down, some of the wine sloshes over the side. At this rate, I suppose I could wait until he drinks himself to death. My brow furrows as I consider all the times I’ve seen him in this state. It’s not unusual for him.
He grabs the bottle and pours more into my still very full cup. I make an effort to drink some to appease him. Then, I eat. As if we’re just having a normal dinner. “What else are you hiding, Caiden? That drinking isn’t because of me. You’re running from something, aren’t you?”
“You’re too smart, you know that?” He’s slurring a bit.
“Aren’t you worried someone will attack you while you’re in this state? Could you even defend either of us like this?” It’s a lousy excuse when we’re in an estate swarming with trained fighters.
“I told you, the drinking keeps the worst of it away.”
“The worst of what?” I ask.
“You’ll see. When your magic comes in, I suspect you’ll soon be like me. It’s consuming. In some ways, I envy Brevan’s bound magic. How he doesn’t have the full use of it. How there’s parts of it he can’t even reach.”
I set my fork down and speak gently, “What does your magic do, Caiden?”
“I really, really hope you never find out.” He picks up the bottle, then stands, knocking his chair to the ground. “You should go.”
“What?” I tense, surprised by the sudden turn.
He walks around the table until he’s right next to me, then leans down so his face is inches from mine. “Leave. Before I do something we’ll both regret.”
I push back my chair, then stand quickly. He walks away from the table, then runs a hand through his hair with a sigh. “Don’t leave the estate for the next few days. I’ll be away and it’s too hard to keep you safe beyond the walls.”
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“To make sure your friend is still alive.”
My insides twist and my pulse jumps. “Why wouldn’t she be?”
“Because I locked her up with a murderer.”
He was serious about all those comments about Brevan’s sister? I storm over to him, then shove him. “What is wrong with you? You told me you’d keep her safe.”
He grabs my wrists, then quickly shifts them until he’s holding me captive with just one hand. I yank my arms but his grip is too tight. “Let me go.”
“You are not what I expected. I should have killed you instead of marrying you, you know that?” He grabs my chin with his free hand, holding my face still. “But gods, Taylan, there’s something about you.”
“Don’t do that,” I warn.
“Do what?” His eyes glitter. He’s enjoying this.
“Don’t use my real name.”
“I told you. I know you. I know who you are and what you truly want. I’m probably the only one who does.”
When his lips crash into mine, I kiss him back.
It’s brutal and claiming. Nothing like the way I kiss anyone else.
His fingers weave into my hair and then his arms are around me, pulling me against him.
I reach for him, gripping his shoulders for balance as he intensifies the kiss.
His tongue slides along the seam of my mouth, testing, begging.
My lips part and he licks my lower lip before biting it just hard enough to send a rush of pain.
Our tongues clash and it’s like we’re both fighting for dominance. He tastes like wine and salt and I can’t make myself pull away from him. I want this, even when I know I shouldn’t. My arms are over his shoulders, my fingers tangling into his hair.
His hands slide down my backside, around to my hips, then up until he reaches my breasts. I arch when he caresses them, my body responding as if starved for touch. Gods, I missed the feel of someone else’s hands on me. The press of someone’s lips against mine.
But this isn’t the person I want to do this with.
I pull away abruptly. “I have to go.”
He doesn’t say a word as I make my way to the door. What is wrong with me? Caiden isn’t who I want. He’s never been who I want. Him kissing me makes sense. Especially as drunk as he is. I have no excuse. Something is wrong with me. I have no excuse for kissing him back.
When I step into the hall, I close the door behind me. Brevan is waiting for me. “Do you need me to escort you to your room?”
“I kissed Caiden,” I blurt.
Brevan’s silent for a moment, then he begins walking. I hurry to catch up to him.
“Aren’t you going to say something?”
“What would you like me to say, your highness? He’s your husband. What can I say?” He won’t look at me.
We’d just finally gotten to a better place and then I go and do this. I grab him. “Please look at me.”
He does but his expression doesn’t hide his hurt. I expected cold indifference, I did not expect to see him reflect as much pain as I feel. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I did it. He kissed me and I kissed him back and I hate myself.”
“Empress, you really don’t need to be telling me this. It’s between you and the Emperor.”
“Don’t do this to me. I’m trying here. It is killing me to see you and not be able to touch you.” I dig my fingers into his arm, desperate to hold on to him.
His eyes catch my movement, but don’t linger there. “You know it’s impossible. Me and you, it was a mistake. There is no way the two of us can be together. You might as well find happiness however you can, even if it’s with him.” He pulls his arm away from my grip and I let him go.
Tears blur my vision. “You can’t mean that.”
“We lost, they won. They have Anya and my sister. He’s about to get a whole army to back him up. It’s over, Sabina.”
How many times do I have to live through the same heartbreak? It should have killed me by now. This was what I got for falling for someone I shouldn’t have. This was what I got for forgetting why I was here. For thinking there was any possible way that I could be happy.
It was my punishment for abandoning my plans, for putting my feelings for a man above the goals of the rebellion.
I laugh, it’s cold and sharp, then shake my head as I begin to walk. What rebellion? Even that was a set up by a man I fell for.
No more.
Brevan doesn’t say a word as we continue to my room and I don’t say goodbye. My rooms are empty, echoing the feeling in my chest. Gone is the laughter and chatter of my ladies.
Ladies who are fully willing to help me overthrow an empire. I have promises to keep to a goddess. Promises to keep to Anya. To myself.
I collapse onto the floor in the middle of the room, then tuck my knees to my chest. I can’t be trusted. All I’ve done is make one mistake after another.
Somehow, I make myself remove my dress and get into my bed. When someone knocks on my door asking about dinner, I send them away.
I wake gasping and sweaty, need throbbing between my legs. Even though I know it’s another dream, I look over on the other side of my bed. It’s empty. There’s no Brevan even though his touch in my dream felt so real.
Tossing the blankets off, I step out of bed and make my way to the bathing room. After splashing cold water on my face, I’m still overheating.
These dreams have got to stop. I can’t keep doing this. What if Caiden was here?
I tense.
That’s it. That’s why I kissed him back.
I’m starved for affection, constantly dreaming about sex, and deprived of touch.
I pace my room, trying to empty my mind. This didn’t happen after Lee. There was no craving for him. No dreaming about him. No insatiable need to feel his body against mine.
I can’t keep doing this. My body doesn’t understand that being with Brevan is a very, very bad idea. Aside from the people we’re protecting, there’s the fact that he doesn’t want me.
He doesn’t want me.
He doesn’t want me.
I tell it to myself over and over, but I can’t make myself believe it. Even after what he said to me earlier tonight, why can’t I just get him out of my head? Why can’t I just move on?
I’m at the door, opening it before I can stop and think about the consequences.
Brevan isn’t there. Instead, Nate straightens when he sees me. “Can I help you, your highness?”
“Do you know where the enforcer’s room is?” I ask.
He hesitates, then looks around.
“Listen, I know what I’m asking of you. I also know you’re not a normal legionnaire but I haven’t yet figured out where your loyalty stands. But considering you sang me a rebellion song, I’m guessing you won’t be running to Caiden. Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong,” he says.
“Please. I need to see him. Just once. I won’t ask this again,” I say.
He sighs. “If I leave your door, they’ll know you’re not here.”
Of course. And if he’s caught leaving his post, he’ll be killed. “I shouldn’t have asked.” I reach for my door.
“Wait.”
I turn back to him.
“Stay out of sight, don’t enter any of the rooms on the third floor. They’re mostly occupied. Go down the rear staircase at the end of the hall, to the second floor. First door on the right.”
I almost hug him. “Thank you.”
“You’ll want to return before sunrise. My shift ends then,” he says.
“Of course.” I hurry down the hall. Brevan will send me away. It’ll hurt, then I’ll be able to let him go and hopefully he won’t return to my dreams.