Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
For Joshua, seeing Ruby was like a dream and nightmare at the same time. He was relieved that she was alive, but his mind was filled with the horrifying tribulations she endured in order to survive.
And now he must face her recrimination for failing her.
His steps were leaden as he entered her bedchamber. If she were Miss Nealle, rather than the prostitute she had become, it would be scandalous of him to do so. But she bid him enter and belatedly rose from her seat near the fire.
And then she gave him a small, sad smile, and she reached a hand out to him. She said only his name, “Joshua,” and her voice had all the warmth that it used to hold when they were children.
His breath caught in his throat, and his knees buckled. His fingers felt weak as they took her hand.
He could say nothing, no matter how he opened and closed his mouth. And so he simply bowed low and kissed her hand.
Then he pressed his forehead against her knuckles, and he was hit with such a wave of relief that his knees completely collapsed. He dropped to the lush carpet, kneeling, but he did not release her hand. His entire body was shaking.
He remembered the last time he had seen her. She had been screaming and kicking at the two boys holding her arms, shouting at Owen to stop as he rained blows down upon Joshua.
He remembered the taste of the blood and bile in his mouth, the strange numbness from his dislocated shoulder, the fiery ache radiating from his broken leg.
He remembered the wetness of the grass under his cheek as he fought to remain conscious.
But he could not, and when he woke again, it was hours later.
The image from the past was so vivid, it was as if he were living it again. But then he blinked, and he realized he was on his knees in front of Ruby, his head bowed, gripping her hand tightly.
He thought he felt her fingers in his hair, but when he looked up, her hand was in her lap. It shocked him that she was sitting on the floor with him, her skirts spilled all around her like a pool of blood.
Her limbs and torso seemed longer and more slender than he remembered. Her hair was a jet black color that appeared strange to him because he remembered how her chestnut locks had turned into molten bronze in the sunlight.
She gazed at him coolly, her face smooth like marble without the rose tint to her cheeks that had so entranced him, and without the smile that had always seemed to be hovering at the edges of her mouth as they played together.
Rather than looking brilliant and clear, her blue-gray eyes seemed mysterious, with the chill of ice that thawed only slightly when she gazed upon him.
He faced her without flinching, because he knew he must. He forced the words out of his mouth, and they felt as though they cut his throat as he said hoarsely, “Forgive me, Ruby.”
“There is nothing to forgive,” she said, but it was too quickly spoken and sounded hollow.
In his heart, he knew she was wrong.
He cleared his throat. “Lady Wynwood said the same thing to me when she came to see me a few weeks after you had disappeared. But if I had been stronger, none of this might have happened to you.”
She shook her head. “Joshua, you always wanted to be a scholar, like your uncle, not a soldier like Owen aspired to become. When you attacked Owen, he could have killed you. I thought he had.”
Her face suddenly closed like shutters banging together, but rather than keeping out the wind, he knew that they were keeping out the memories of what occurred after that. He could tell that she was battling her mind, trying not to recall them.
Then finally her face cleared and she became a marble statue once more, beautiful and unemotional.
Joshua had never desired to be strong, but if he had not been so weak, he might have been able to help her escape. And she would not be wrestling with the demons of her memory even now.
He remembered waking up in the middle of the forest and crawling his way to the nearest road.
It had taken hours, and hours more before a farmer happened upon him.
When next he woke, he had been screaming, begging the doctor for help.
He remembered the anguish and frustration that no one believed him.
His hands involuntarily clenched as he combated his own dreadful memories, but then he heard her gasp of pain and realized he was crushing her hand.
“I beg your pardon.” He released her.
At that moment, Joshua became uncomfortably aware that they were both still on their knees on the floor. Embarrassed, he climbed to his feet and reached down to help her.
For a moment, the two of them were childhood friends again, who had fallen into some mischief together as they always had, and they were preparing to return home for proper scoldings.
But then she stood, and she was almost like a stranger to him. Calm and elegant and unattainable. She sat on the sofa in front of the fire, and he tentatively sat next to her.
She once again constrained her expression as she looked at him. “Joshua, if you are anything like the boy you were, I know that you feel responsible for me, but you are not. I am not the same girl you knew, and I made my own choices.”
Yes, he could tell she was not the same. But neither was he.
While recovering, he had had time to drown in his regret and guilt. But when his spirits finally rose to the surface, he vowed that he would never be put in a situation like that ever again.
He had allowed his body to heal, and then he had grown stronger. He had not only learned to fight, he had learned how to win by any means necessary so that he could prevent anyone else from being harmed in front of him ever again.
But it did not erase the fact that he had failed the girl he loved. That guilt had turned into a boulder in his stomach. Some days, the boulder was heavier than ever and made him feel exhausted and enfeebled.
The boulder made him feel weighed down right now, as if he would never be able to rise from the sofa.
“I have made a new life for myself. I have managed to put the past away in a box stored in a closet.” Ruby turned her face slightly away from him, and she looked suddenly weary. “I would ask that you not speak of this again. It is too arduous for me.”
He could hear the fragility and honesty of her words, and yet, she was still wearing a mask.
It made him melancholy to see her like this. She was like a ghost, dead to the world and yet forced to walk in it. He remembered her laughter and her wide smile, and mourned that he may never see that again.
“Is there nothing I can do for you?” His voice sounded plaintive, pleading, and he was ashamed.
But the smile she gave him was warm, even if it was not as brilliant as the one he remembered from his childhood. “There is nothing I require of you. Except …” The smile faded, and she turned her clear gaze upon him. “… except that you must leave this house as soon as possible.”
Her words stung, but he realized it was no more than he ought to have expected from her. He nodded slowly. “Our presence puts you in grave danger.”
“No,” she said, her voice detached. “Your presence jeopardizes my mission.”
“Ah.”
His reaction made her tilt her head slightly as she regarded him. “Did Mr. Drydale explain to you?”
“You are one of the Quiet Men of the Ramparts,” he guessed. “As am I.”
Her eyes widened, and he was surprised that his words would shock her so much that she would reveal it.
Ruby seemed to regret her loss of control, for she drew in a breath and regarded him dispassionately once again. “Until tonight, I was unaware you were an agent of the Ramparts.”
“I was one of the Nameless Ones at the Foreign Office. I was transferred to the Ramparts to do the same sorts of duties, under the direction of Sir Derrick. I was to ferret out traitors within the department.” Acid burned in his throat as he recalled yet another failure, when he had not realized Mr. Norton was working for the Citadel.
No matter how he strove to improve his body and his mind, he was utterly inadequate. How could he still call himself an agent?
But then he felt Ruby’s touch upon his hand, which he realized was balled into a fist in his lap. He relaxed his fingers, and she held his hand, just as she had done when they were younger.
“Tell me what happened.” Her voice was blunt, like a fellow agent, but there was also a hint of softness, perhaps a thread of nostalgia.
And so he told her. He did not know if Mr. Drydale had wished to explain everything to her, but once he began speaking, he found he could not stop.
Perhaps it was because of her profession, which had trained her in listening to men and encouraging them to reveal their secrets.
Or perhaps it was because he was once again with his first love, a girl who had been his friend because he had hidden his feelings for her.
When he was done, they sat in silence for long minutes. She still held his hand. He was uncomfortably aware that his palm was hot, while her fingers remained cool.
She finally spoke. “You are all in such grave danger. I had no idea.”
“I would understand if you did not believe everything about which I have spoken. Some of it was difficult for me to believe, at first.”
Her eyes were thoughtful. “I have been in Orario this entire time. There are rumors I have heard which anyone would not believe—men with strength never before witnessed, ordered by a man wearing facepaint who yet commands them. What you have revealed is not so different from what I have already learned.”
“And now we have brought our troubles to your door. I apologize for that. I suppose Mr. Drydale felt he had nowhere else to go.”
“I wish that I could continue to shelter you all, but that is not possible. I have asked Clifton to help Mr. Drydale find another sanctuary for you.”
Joshua felt a hotness in his chest at the familiar way in which she spoke of her butler, as if he were a friend, not a servant. And yet, what right had he to care? She was a courtesan. She was an agent. She remained as out of his reach as she had always been.
Ruby rose, signaling that their discussion was concluded, and he stood, his legs stiff. But he bowed low to her. “I thank you, Ruby.”
When he lifted his head, she gave him that same small, sad smile as she had when he first entered the room. “It is good to see you again, Joshua.”
As he left her bedchamber and closed the door behind him, he had the feeling that once her butler found a new haven for them, she would pass from his life once more, and he would never see her again.