Chapter 30
It had been three days since Callum had last slept for more than a few hours. Time seemed to have slowed down, his body moving languidly as if through a sea of molasses.
Once again, he had lost loyal men, good men. Those who had been gravely injured were in the healer’s quarters, closely looked after, but there was only so much that could be done. While many were well on their way to recovery, others were less lucky, fighting death in a losing battle.
Fatigue weighed heavily on him, and so did the souls of those they had lost. Now that he had a moment of peace in his study, alone with nothing but a tumbler of whisky for company, he could finally take a few moments to doze off, to let sweet sleep pull him under and make him forget.
But every time he closed his eyes, he saw the same face before him.
Rhea.
He had not seen her at all over the past three days. He had only asked after her, tasking Hudson with making sure that she was all right and healing. Apart from that, he had avoided her, and it hadn’t been a particularly difficult task.
They were both very busy. Rhea had her own duties as the lady of the clan—visiting the wounded and talking to their families. And Callum had his own duties—restoring his forces, the clan’s finances, and their relationship with the neighboring clans.
The attack had been too swift, too sudden for them to call for help, and it had ended just as fast as it had begun, but he had to make sure that he still had allies, in case of another attack.
His neighbors were rather interested to find out that Laird Barclay had attacked him. Even if the attack had been partially motivated by resentment for sending him away, the possibility that the next leader of Clan Barclay would want to expand was not so unlikely.
Suddenly, the door flew open and banged against the wall, startling him.
He instinctively reached for his blade, only to see Sienna standing at the threshold like a raging bull, her gray eyes stormy as she stared him down.
Behind her, the two guards posted outside the study seemed to cower in her presence, though their curiosity had gotten the better of them, for they were peering into the room, waiting to learn the reason for her fury.
“Sister,” Callum called, motioning for her to sit across from him in the plush leather armchair before sliding his dagger back into its scabbard. “To what do I owe the… siege?”
Sienna didn’t seem amused. She slammed the door shut behind her and stomped into the room, refusing to sit. Instead, she braced her hands against the edge of the desk, leaning over it to stare him right in the eyes.
“Rhea is devastated,” she began, skipping all the niceties to get straight to the point, much to his chagrin. He could already feel a headache forming behind his eyes, the kind of throbbing pain that left him chasing relief in vain. “What have you said to her? I’ve never seen her like this before.”
“I didnae say anythin’,” Callum said rather stubbornly, petulantly.
He knew what his sister was asking about, and he knew he wasn’t going to get away with it on a technicality, but it was the last thing he needed at that moment.
He didn’t want to talk to her about Rhea. He didn’t want to talk about Rhea at all or even think about her, but she was constantly on his mind, carving a space for herself again and again, no matter how much he tried to banish her from his thoughts.
“Callum.”
“Sienna.”
His sister looked exasperated, a heavy sigh escaping her before she threw herself down into the armchair. She stared at him in silence for a long while.
He stared back. “Ye do realize that I have much more important things to do, right?”
“All I see is a man drinkin’ himself to a stupor,” Sienna scoffed.
“It’s been some long days.”
“Aye,” she said. “But if ye truly had more important things to do, ye’d be out there, nae hidin’ in here.”
“I’m nae hidin’,” Callum grumbled, his face twisting into a grimace of distaste. “Can I nae rest for a while? I havenae slept in days, Sienna. Days.”
Sienna’s expression softened a little. She stared at him again, her eyes roaming over his face as if she was searching for something. Though what that was, he didn’t know.
“I can see that,” she acknowledged. “But Rhea is important. Yer marriage is important. I daenae understand how ye cannae see this.”
“Who said I cannae?”
Sienna tapped her fingers on the armrest, the rhythm almost hypnotic. For the first time that day, Callum realized just how worn out he was, just how much his exhaustion affected him.
“Then why are ye in here?” she asked. “Why are ye nae with her?”
Callum let out a weary sigh, reaching up a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off the oncoming headache. It didn’t work. His temples were already throbbing, and the whisky did nothing to alleviate it.
“I daenae have to discuss this with ye.”
“Och aye?” Sienna asked, a mocking laugh escaping her.
Callum glared at her in a half-hearted attempt to intimidate her into silence, but of course, it didn’t work.
“Ye daenae owe anyone anythin’, is that what ye think?
Ye think that because ye fight for this clan, because ye win all these battles and wars, that’s enough for the people who love ye?
We’re all grateful, Callum, trust me. We’re all so grateful to ye for keepin’ us safe, but this isnae what yer wife needs from ye right now. ”
Irritation flared in his chest.
Shouldn’t it be enough, he wondered? Shouldn’t it be enough that he was fighting for them all, that he was putting his life on the line every single day for them?
Shouldn’t it be enough that he was keeping them safe, that he was doing everything in his power to make sure his family and his people never went hungry, never suffered, never had to endure a famine or illness?
“The things I do for this clan… for ye… ye daenae even ken half of it,” he grunted. “All I do is for ye.”
“Daenae take me for a fool,” Sienna scoffed.
“Ye think I daenae ken of all the sacrifices ye’ve made?
I was ready to make the same sacrifices, Callum.
I was ready to wed that man if needed for the same reason ye go to all these wars.
For the same reason ye fight for this clan every day. For the same reason ye wedded Rhea.”
“It’s nae the same,” Callum argued.
There was nothing Rhea and Laird Barclay had in common. Yet simply by saying that, he was proving his sister’s point.
And she was quick to catch on.
“Exactly,” Sienna said. “It isnae the same because ye would never have suffered by Rhea’s side as I would have suffered by Laird Barclay’s. Ye had the fortune to wed a wonderful lass. I had the fortune to gain a sister. And I daenae understand why it’s so difficult for ye to love her.”
Callum couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped him. If only his sister knew. If only she knew just how much he loved Rhea, just how much he cherished her—enough to keep himself away from her all this time, even though it shattered him to do so.
Every hour apart was agony. All he wanted to do was gather her in his arms, hold her, and never let her go. He loved her more than he had ever thought possible, more than he thought anyone could love another.
And that was precisely why he had to stay away from her.
“Why are ye laughin’?” Sienna demanded. “Is this amusin’ to ye?”
“There is nothin' amusin’ about this,” Callum said, his voice rough, the words choked off by the lump growing rapidly in his throat.
He reached for his whisky and downed it in one big gulp before refilling it again. Then, as an afterthought, he grabbed another cup from the shelf behind him and filled it for Sienna, sliding it across the desk toward her.
His sister grabbed it and took a big swig, wincing as she swallowed. It was strong stuff. Not the kind he would have usually given to her, but considering the situation, he supposed it was the only thing that kept them both going now.
Sienna, too, was exhausted. The dark circles under her eyes were deep, hollow, like lingering shadows. She could barely keep her eyes open, and he had the distinct feeling that the moment she stepped back into her chambers, deep sleep would claim her, aided by the drink.
Good. She needs it.
“Sometimes I daenae understand ye,” Sienna said over the rim of her cup. “I thought… with the way ye look at her…”
“What?”
“I thought ye loved her.”
“I do.”
It was the truth, plain and simple, and it no longer hurt him to admit it.
There was no point in running from it. The only thing he needed to run from was his love for Rhea.
It was one thing to acknowledge it, to know that he was in love with her; it was another to act on it when every time they grew close, she ended up being in danger.
With a groan, Sienna slammed her cup on the desk and threw her hands up in frustration. “Then why are ye actin’ like this? Have ye lost yer mind? If ye love her, why would ye nae show it to her?”
Callum took a deep breath, trying to fill his lungs in vain. Every time this conversation came up, even in his own mind, he felt as though all the air was sucked out of his lungs.
“Because, Sienna… I’m a monster.”
Sienna didn’t speak at first. She only blinked in confusion, as if his words had left her speechless, not knowing what to say.
“What?”
“I’m a monster,” Callum repeated. “I’m nae…
I’m nae meself anymore. The war… it changes ye.
And it’s nae only the war, it’s nae only meself.
If I daenae hurt her with me words or me actions, then someone else will hurt her just because I am near her.
Did ye nae see what happened with Barclay?
She was hurt because of me. She was hurt because he tried to use her to get to me, and I ken this willnae be the last time somethin’ like this happens.
If they find out I love her… if they find out she’s me weakness—”
“Ye’re a fool,” Sienna snapped.
All the despair and helplessness that had gripped Callum disappeared in an instant, replaced instead by a righteous anger.
“Excuse me?”
“I said ye’re a fool,” Sienna repeated. “What if somethin’ happens to me, hmm? Am I nae yer weakness?”
Callum swallowed hard. “Of course ye are. I wouldnae let anythin’ happen to ye.”
“Is that so?” she challenged. “Then why would ye let somethin’ happen to Rhea?”
“I wouldnae!”
“That isnae what ye just said,” she pointed out. “Ye’re only losin’ yer mind over this because ye’re nae used to carin’ about her. Ye’re used to carin’ about me, about Hudson, about our people. How is it different with Rhea?”
Callum’s thoughts came to a screeching halt.
He didn’t have an answer for his sister.
He didn’t even have an answer for himself.
It was something he had never given any thought before.
It hadn’t even occurred to him to ask himself such a question, but now that Sienna was posing it, he couldn’t help but consider it.
But she wasn’t done yet.
“Besides, daenae ye see how ye’re already hurtin’ her?” she pressed. “How much this is causin’ her pain? Rhea loves ye, Callum. She loves ye so much, and ye’re treatin’ her like she doesnae matter.”
“She does matter,” Callum said through gritted teeth. “More than she’ll ever ken.”
“Aye, but ye’re nae showin’ it to her,” Sienna emphasized.
“What does it matter if ye love her when ye’re nae showin’ it to her?
What does it matter that ye daenae want to hurt her when ye’re already hurtin’ her?
Are yer intentions what matters or yer actions?
Because trust me, Callum, she doesnae feel like ye love her, and she certainly doesnae feel like ye care. ”
Callum’s breath caught in his throat, his stomach dropping as he considered.
All this time, he had tried his best to keep Rhea safe in the way he thought best. All this time, he had kept his distance from her so that she wouldn’t get hurt, but he didn’t realize just how much his actions were hurting her, just how his distance was doing the exact opposite of what he intended.
He looked at his palms on the desk before him, his gaze distant, lost. Then, he raised it to Sienna, looking her in the eyes.
“I’m truly a fool,” he muttered.
She gave him a soft smile. “Aye.” She nodded. “That ye are.”
“I thought I was protectin’ her.”
“I ken,” she assured him. “And I’m sure she’ll understand when ye explain it to her. But ye must explain it to her, Callum. And ye must tell her how ye feel. And of course, ye must apologize for bein’ a fool.”
Telling Rhea how he felt seemed like an impossible task. Callum was so used to hiding his feelings, so used to pushing them deep down inside him until he didn’t have to consider them anymore, that admitting his feelings for her seemed harder than any battle he had fought in the past.
But he had no other choice. He had to muster all his bravery and tell Rhea that he loved her, or he risked losing her forever.
“Where is she?” he asked, flying out of his seat and heading to the door.
“In her chambers,” Sienna replied. “Where she’s been all these days.”
Callum paused by the door for a moment, turning to look at his sister. “Thank ye, Sienna.”
“For what?”
“For tellin’ me I’m a fool.”
Sienna’s laughter echoed in the room. “Of course, Brother. Any time.”