30. Chapter 30
Chapter 30
Lizzie
KAIT: Ground Control to Lizzie… where are you hiding?
LENA: We just want to help…
INDI: Sorry, hon… you stopped answering my texts. I had to call for backup.
INDI: (Please don’t be mad.)
LIZZIE: Ladies, I’m fine. You can go back to your regularly scheduled programming.
KAIT: Sorry to say… but you’re not very convincing, my dear. I call bullshit.
Another week passed, and I floated through it like a zombie—my mind and heart in a constant tug-of-war between the past and the present.
I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about my conversation with James, or that incident between him and Luke at the restaurant. Since that night, each of us seemed to be giving the other a wide berth, both during workdays at the cabin and evenings apart. It wasn’t silence, exactly—rather the sort of tip-toeing one does when they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they avoid talking altogether.
So much for being brave.
But as much as my mind needed space to process everything, the pause between us had only made me feel worse. I’d become used to our lives being mostly intertwined over the past month—and now that James and I seemed to be unraveling a bit, amongst everything else that was happening, it felt like I had nothing secure to hold on to.
And, well… I missed him.
I’d be lying, though, if I said his attitude towards people with money didn’t bother me, even though I knew I was only looking at one piece of the story. I mean, he was right—I had no idea what had gone down in the past between him and Luke or anyone else, because this was the first I was hearing about it. And of course, some of his feelings about money had to be based on where his own had come from. He and I both carried baggage about what we’d been given. Maybe judging him in any of this was hypocritical.
But the real reason I couldn’t get that night out of my head wasn’t about the money. The fact that he’d just shut down, unable— or unwilling? —to talk through it at all the moment he’d gotten upset made me feel like he’d slammed a metaphorical door in my face. Considering how vulnerable we’d been with one other already, why was this any different?
Then there was the bigger question I couldn’t think about, much less say out loud—How long would it take before James found something about me that he couldn’t deal with, and just shut me out for good? Was it inevitable?
Because I had an entire vault full of flaws and crazy bits that had barely even come out to play yet. There was only one person on this planet, really, who’d ever seen them all. She just also happened to be the person who’d hidden away more of herself than I had ever realized.
So yeah, it wasn’t only this situation with James that was messing with my head. It was also the fact that my grandmother—the woman I’d looked up to my whole life—wasn’t the person I’d believed her to be.
Ever since opening that first incriminating letter, I hadn’t been able to stop obsessing over it. I’d even gone ahead and opened several others as well—both praying for answers and terrified of what else I might uncover. The only thing I wanted to find was proof that I’d been wrong, so I could return to my happy little land of blissful ignorance.
But poring over the words on those yellowed pages again and again had only brought me to the same conclusion—that only a few months before my grandfather had composed his series of love letters to Grandma Cora, she’d somehow become involved with another man.
Which meant the vision I’d had of both my grandmother and their marriage was nothing but a steaming pile of lies.
It almost felt like she’d betrayed me, too—and God , did it hurt. She’d been the one I’d always felt sure about, especially when my world felt murky and hard. Now I was questioning everything—my beliefs about love, everything she’d taught me—and it felt like I was drowning in all of it.
And all I wanted was to be alone.
It’s why I was lying by myself on Friday afternoon, holed up with my dog and my anxiety in the quiet sanctuary of my bedroom, now that James had wrapped up his work for the day and left for home. Minus Jesse, of course, who’d taken the day off to help get Tara settled.
As with the rest of the week, there’d been no goodbye kiss from my boyfriend—only another quick, cordial smile before he headed out the door, without a single word about anything that didn’t involve the renovation.
It was the dance we’d been doing all week, and I’d hated every single second of it—even though yeah, I’d been avoiding the confrontation, too. Which was ridiculous, considering we were both grown-ass adults.
But as much as I wanted to get right back to where we’d been and fix it all, the emotional one-two-punch of everything still had me lying on the mat. And I was so damn tired of feeling defeated.
For now, I just sat here, reading through the words over and over and over, until they blurred together in a stormy cloud of betrayal… “C- How cruel is it that our paths crossed one year too late? But even if I can’t have all of you, I am grateful for this… for our stolen moments, the feel of your hand in mine, the memory of you upon my lips…”
I looked towards the ceiling, repeating the same questions I couldn’t stop asking— “Why, Grandma? Why did you do it? And why was it necessary that I ever find out?”
Bucky whimpered from where his head lay on my lap, and glancing down, I scratched behind his ears as I reached for a tissue. “You hungry, boy?”
The buzzing of my phone laying next to the stack of letters on my bed yanked me back into reality. Picking it up to read the message, I rolled my eyes.
brOOKE: You’re hiding out with a book under a quilt again, aren’t you?
LIZZIE: For your information, I do not have a book with me.
brOOKE: Maybe not… but you’re reading *something*, right? Still counts.
LIZZIE: Wait, how d—
My rapid-fire rebuttal was interrupted by a tapping on my bedroom window—bolting upright, I saw my friend’s face peering through the other side, grinning and waving like a beautiful blonde lunatic. Flipping her the bird while rolling my eyes, I shook my head at her—but even I couldn’t help laughing as I stomped my way over to unlock the back door.
I’d barely opened it before she pulled me into a tight hug. “Before you start bitching at me,” she whispered into my ear, “just know—I brought reinforcements.” Behind her, I could see Kait’s car parked next to Brooke’s Audi, with Indi, Kait and Lena unloading a handful of grocery bags.
As if on cue, everything before me turned all blurred and watery. Because it wasn’t my usual solitary confinement that I needed after all.
It was the comfort of being surrounded by people I knew I could count on.
I could be wrong, but in my introverted, bury-myself-in-anxiety mind, it almost felt like… progress .
“Oh, sweetie… did you really think we couldn’t tell something was up with you?”
We were all camped out in my living room, relaxing on my new furniture that had arrived earlier in the week with a spread of snacks and beverages surrounding us. I sat somewhere in the middle of my friends, having dragged my grandmother’s traitorous quilt out from the bedroom.
Kait was looking over at Brooke now, with her usual expression that was half sarcastic eye raise, half smile. “Yup, we’re all very fluent in Lizzie-speak. With you, ‘I’m fine’ basically means ‘I’ve introverted and I can’t get up’ . If we’d waited much longer, you may have actually smothered yourself under that quilt.”
“Alright, alright … I get it, ” I said, making a face as I pulled it tighter across my shoulders. “I’m sorry to make you all worry. Like I told Indi last week, I just needed time to work things out in my head.”
Indi topped off my glass of Sauvignon Blanc. “And? Have you?”
“Well… no.”
“Pretty much what we figured. Being stuck in your head never does you any good, darling. And that’s why y—”
“... that’s why we’re here. To listen ,” Lena said, looking pointedly at Kait before passing me the bowl of tortilla chips. Bucky lay nearby, keeping one eye open for any extra crumbs that might fall his way.
Brooke leaned down and ruffled the top of his furry head. “What they said. Go on, spill your big ol’ Lizzie heart.”
And so I told them everything—James, the incident from the previous week, the discovery of my grandmother’s letters, and how it all went from an incredible gift to something I wish had stayed hidden.
The one thing I’d left out was the book I’d been so excited to write about my grandparents’ love story. All of the inspiration from a couple of weeks ago had, by now, completely evaporated. I mean, how could I even consider writing it—even if it was fiction?
As always, they listened, peppering my confessional with advice—Lena and Indi’s thoughtful and patient, with Kait and Brooke’s more lighthearted yet pointed. It was a balance in perspective these women had given me for so many years—as an anxious, often emotional person, it was one that I desperately needed.
And after a week where I thought I’d never be able to see clearly again, I felt the clouds start to lift.
Starting with James. I needed to stop avoiding the uncomfortable and talk things through, even if I wasn’t ready for what I might hear.
As for the letters? Well, I had a feeling my neighbor might have some insight to share on that topic. And as much as I dreaded the potential of it dragging me down even further, moping around in this weird gray ick was doing nothing but keeping me all wounded and afraid.
Because if there was ever going to be any hope of me moving forward with my relationship, or returning to my writing, I needed to be brave—in all of it.
A couple hours later, the five of us were finishing off our fourth bottle of wine—and halfway through a sheet pan covered in our traditional favorite, Nachos à la Kait —when there was a loud knock at the front door.
“Uh-oh… someone’s hee-eeere…” Indi croaked—a little too loudly—from her end of the loveseat, before popping another chip into her mouth.
Lena threw a pillow at her head from where she lay on the adjacent sofa, already circling the drain after two small-ish glasses of wine. “Quiet, Indi…You’re gonna wake the neighbors!”
Kait had already tiptoed her way to the large picture window, shifting the curtains aside as she peered out into the darkness. “Oooh, it’s for Lizzie.”
“Doi, of course it’s for me. I live here.” I made a grab for Brooke’s outstretched hand as she attempted to yank me upwards, the two of us dissolving into giggles as we nearly fell to the floor in the process.
It caused a domino effect as Indi also erupted into snorting laughter behind us, rolling down off the sofa and onto the floor. “ ‘Doi’? Nobody has said ‘doi’ since, like, nineteen ninety-three.”
By now, Kait was tapping on the window, waving with a huge grin at whomever was standing on the porch. “I dunno… I hear ‘doi’ is making a comeback.” Laughing, she craned her head to look back at us, holding tight to the window frame. “But you better hurry, Lizzie… ‘cause your boyfriend’s here to make up… um, make out? No, wait, maybe both. Yeah, he definitely better do both…”
A moderately drunk Brooke now looped her arm through mine, dragging me towards the door in her excitement. “Oh, he wants to do allll the things with our Lizzo… but the question is,” she said, gripping the handle as she swung the door open dramatically, “are you worthy of her, dear sir?”
There stood my super-hot boyfriend—looking equal parts confused and amused. “I, uh, think that’s up to the lady of the house. But I’m trying to be.” Biting back a smile, James’ eyes scanned our group, now huddled together in the open doorway. “Looks like I’m missing quite the party.”
For my part, I was biting my lip, for some reason still dealing with a case of the nervous giggles as I stared at him—irritated that he was making things hard for me, but, mostly, wanting to kiss him until neither of us could breathe. Because I was so fucking happy that he was here.
But no, talking to my boyfriend was a job for serious Lizzie .
And I had serious things to say. So I needed to stop laughing.
Like, now.
“No, this isn’t a ‘party’ … I’m very, very serious , James,” I said, shaking a finger in his face for emphasis, laughter trickling out in spite of me.
I said I was serious, damn it.
He smirked as he took me in, arms crossed. “Yeah, I can tell.” His eyes darted back to my friends. “How much wine have you ladies had tonight?”
“Not enough!” Kait hollered from the rear, and we all dissolved into giggles. Well, except for Lena, whose distinctive groan could be heard as she shuffled back towards the bathroom. “Want some?”
“No, thanks, I’m good,” he said, chuckling. “But I’d like to borrow Lizzie… you think you all could give us a minute?” He glanced back to me. “Only if you’re willing, of course.”
“Alright, Tate,” Brooke said, narrowing her eyes at him. “But just know, we’re keeping our eyes on you. So you better not mess with our girl.”
He held up a hand, now looking serious. “I won’t, promise. I only want to talk.”
I glanced back at my friends, feeling myself sober up the teensiest bit. “It’s ok, guys, I’ve got this.”
Kait reached out to squeeze my hand before ushering the others back inside. “Alright, then. Who wants brownies?”
As the door swung shut, I could hear the brownie chant begin as I turned to face James again—my face and hands all numb and tingly as I took him in. He gave me that same hesitant smile I’d seen on his face all week, and I realized he must be nervous, too.
“Can we sit down together, do you think? Down by the fire pit?”
I shrugged, trying to seem casual. “Sure, fine.” Starting towards the stairs, I gave a slight wobble, feeling the familiar flutter in my chest as his arm wrapped around my back to hold me steady. We walked that way down the gradual slope towards the lake, neither of us saying a word until we were settled, side-by-side, on the Adirondack chairs.
Thankfully, it was James who broke the silence first. “So, listen… I’m really sorry for interrupting your girl’s night, but I wanted to talk to you about the other day. Because it’s been eating at me all week.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I know I came across as kind of…”
“Rude? Angry? Judgey?”
He chuckled again, but this time, the smile didn’t quite meet his eyes. I hated how the darkness took away their warmth, leaving me guessing. “Yes. All of those things. And… I’m sorry. But you deserve to know why.”
“Alright, I’m listening.”
He took a breath. “So, after my mom died, and it was just me and my grandparents, I struggled… for a long time. All three of us did. I was so angry at my dad for walking away, for caring more about his company and his money than anything else.”
I reached out to place a hand on his, saying nothing as he continued.
“Pops was working as master electrician for Hardon & Son’s Design over in Heartwood, overseeing both the main facility and some of the machinery out in the mill. I was having a lot of behavioral problems after transferring to the elementary school here, struggling to make friends… Both GiGi and Pops were cutting their work hours a bit so someone could always be home right after school. After a few months of that, Robert Hardon got fed up with the schedule… and fired him. And not only that, he refused to pay out his pension. He left him with nothing.”
I felt my breath catch in my throat. “What, really? That’s… really shitty.”
“That’s one word for it. Pops had been with that company for almost twenty years by then, so it wasn’t only about the money—it was his life, his identity.” James clenched his other hand in his lap, his mouth forming a hard line. “The Hardons and the Ramseys are to Heartwood like the Taylors and Kinneys are to Dearing Creek—all wealthy and with businesses that employ so many people from this part of the state. It starts to feel like a handful of elitist people wind up controlling everyone else. Robert Hardon had plenty, and he could’ve shown some compassion for our situation, tried to work with Pops on it. But instead, he turned his back on a loyal employee, because it didn’t suit his bottom line. He took everything from him. And Pops was never quite the same after that, even after finding work with my old boss, Mel.”
“That must’ve been so hard… for your grandfather, for all of you. Especially on top of everything else.”
He nodded. “After a while, it became easier to blame the money, I guess. Of course, it didn’t help that I had assholes like his son Luke giving me shit all the time at school.”
I watched his face as a few more of the missing pieces fell into place, anxiety blooming in the center of my chest as I called up my own memories of being teased as a dorky redhead back in middle school. “I’m sorry… kids can be jerks. Trust me, I’ve been there. But…”
James held up a hand. “I know… kids grow up. And people can change.” He sighed. “I’m still not convinced that’s the case with Luke Hardon, but… I guess I’m grateful for his warning about the Kinneys.”
I cocked my head. “What’s the deal with them, anyway?”
“Their house renovation was my last project with Mel. It had already been difficult, with all of their demands… but I was handling it ok. Until Denise decided to make me her latest conquest.”
“Jesus.”
“Yep. It’s why I quit Aaronson Construction, and the project. When I turned her down, I knew it would end up being bad for me and Mel, so I quit. Just didn’t think it would still be following me months later.” He slanted a glance towards me. “But I guess seeing us together at the bar last week must’ve pissed her off.”
I nodded, realization slowly dawning. “And people in town know you’re my contractor. So now it’s hurting your new business.”
He shrugged. “Let ‘em try. I wouldn’t change a thing either way. Except to say, I’m sorry for how I acted… and I know I need to work through my issues with money. I’m working towards being better. I want to be better, for you. And for me too, I guess.” Leaning towards me, he brushed the hair back from my face. “For now, I hope you can find a way to forgive me. Because I don’t want to lose you, Lizzie. Not for pride, or any other reason.”
His words hit right in the center of me—his gaze so humble, so imploring, it’s no wonder the tears once again came easily. “There’s nothing to forgive… I… don’t want to lose you, either.” I was so overcome with everything in my head and heart, I almost couldn’t hold it all in—but the need to kiss this man right now won out.
Thrusting my body forward across the arm of my chair towards him, I unfortunately realized too late that four glasses of wine had killed whatever shred of depth perception and balance I had in me. As the chair flipped out from under me, James made a desperate grab to keep us both from toppling backwards to the ground. The effort came too late, though, as his chair tipped too—and with a roll, we fell onto the grass, me coming to rest on top of him with a thud.
We lay there for a moment in stunned silence: me, with my face plastered against the muscular curves of his chest— God, how did he always manage to smell so amazing? —and James, with one knee propped between my legs.
After a beat, I could feel his deep chuckle begin to reverberate through me as his hands came to rest along my back. “You ok?”
And before I could stop myself, I let out a loud, snorting laugh, dissolving into hysterical giggles that came pouring out of me, as the ridiculousness of it all carried away the tension that had been clenched tight in my gut all week.
At any other point in my life, I would’ve felt so damn grateful for the darkness right then—shielding my blazing red face and the humiliation of yet another clumsy, dorky Lizzie move.
But right then, I couldn’t have cared less about any of it.
I mean, I’d like to think it was from unlocking a new level in my personal growth. But really, it had everything to do with who I was with.
And ok, maybe also a teensie bit from all that Sauvignon Blanc sloshing around in my belly.
Rolling off his chest and onto the ground beside him, I lay there as our laughter drifted off towards the shoreline. I could see the warmth in his eyes again—actually feeling it wrap around me, better than any old quilt ever could. With a slow smile, he reached a hand over to caress my face.
“God, you’re beautiful, Red.”
“Seriously? I’m a mes—”
He held a finger against my lips to silence my objection, pretending to look stern. “You’re beautiful … and it’s time you started believing it.” He moved his hand away, lowering it to my back. “You make me feel so lucky, being with you. I can’t imagine anything better than this.”
Our bodies shifted along the grass, until no space remained between us. I didn’t care that my friends were inside, wondering what the heck was going on—or that the cooler air hinted that it was much later than I’d realized.
I didn’t want to be anywhere else than right here, lost in the feeling of him—in his breath, soft against my cheek. And all I could hear were the words that continued to echo through my mind—because they’d been my own, even before he’d said them out loud first. Along with many others I couldn’t yet.
“You make me feel so lucky…”
The kiss that followed? Pretty sure that was inevitable.
But maybe… so were we.