38. Chapter 38
Chapter 38
James
J esse showed up by mid-morning, with fresh coffee for both of us. And after Jack left for home, Jesse and I spent our time arguing good-naturedly about our individual job titles within Horizon Remodeling, now that we were officially going into a partnership together. My friend was in the middle of insisting upon calling himself ‘ Chief Turd Wrangler’ when I heard a voice grumbling from the bed.
“If you two are gonna keep arguing over something so stupid, can you ask the nurse to give me the good drugs that’ll knock me out again?”
Both of our heads whipped over to see GiGi laying there with her eyes open, giving us the same look she always had whenever she was secretly amused but pulled out her grumpy demeanor for appearance’s sake.
I don’t think I’d ever been so glad to hear her fake-complain at me in my whole damn life.
Eyes tearing up, I crossed my arms against my chest, taking a page from her book. “It’s about time you decided to wake up. You think we’ve got all day to just sit around here?”
“Yeah, well… can’t blame a girl for wanting a little peace and quiet.”
“Yep… hard to come by, living in a small-town, on private lakefront property.”
“And on that note,” Jesse stood up, chuckling, “I’m going to run back home and check on my wife. Let me know if either of you need anything. And GiGi?”
“Yes, dear?”
“I’m really glad you’re ok… don’t ever scare us like that again, got it? But please, try to take it easy on our boy here.”
“No promises. Give Tara my love.”
Grinning as he looked over at me with an ‘oh well, I tried’ shrug, Jesse retrieved his coffee cup from the floor and left the room. Soon, I could hear him chatting nearby with Nurse Abby, yet another friend of Tara’s. I figured they were probably loading him down with workplace gossip to entertain his wife once he arrived back home—she’d been bored out of her mind already with her forced bedrest.
Turning back to GiGi, I realized she was eyeing me from the bed, her white hair spread wildly across her pillow. I wondered how getting her to make her own health changes in the coming weeks was going to go—probably not well.
But at that moment, emotionally strung-out and sleep-deprived, I didn’t have the energy to figure that part out yet. All I could think about was how grateful I was to hear her voice, and how I needed to fix what I’d broken.
Sighing, I sat back in my chair. “How do you feel?”
“Not too poorly. Though, my head hurts.” Reaching a hand up to her face, she touched her bandaged forehead gingerly before glancing back at me again. This time, her voice sounded less confident. “Was it my heart?”
“Doctor Addison said a mini stroke… a TIA, I think is what he said.” I saw her eyes widen a bit, though she said nothing. “But you’re going to be ok.”
“I know.”
“It could’ve been so much worse…”
“I know that, too.”
I felt a lump form in my throat. “You really scared me, you know. I don’t know what I’d do if I lo—”
She held up a hand to stop me, but her voice was gentle. “You didn’t lose me, Tater… I’m still here. And I’m not planning on going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. But I am sorry for scaring you. And for… not telling you about the rest.”
“You mean the fact that you have heart disease? ” I said, eyebrows raised.
“Yes. I guess… I don’t know, I was in some kind of denial. It hit close to home too, thinking about your Pops.” She let out a long, shuddering sigh. “I know I need to make some changes in how I’m doing things. And I really will try. Starting with… an apology. For the other night.”
I shook my head. “No, listen… I’m the one who needs to apologize. I mean, I was upset… but I never should have spoken to you the way I did. And God, maybe none of this would’ve happened to you in the first place if I’d handled it better…”
“Sweetie… this wasn’t your fault.” GiGi frowned, the concern visible in her eyes. “I only have myself to blame for not taking Dr. Addison’s words to heart. Hearing yours wasn’t what made me fall apart.”
“But still… if I’d lost you, if that had been our last conversation…”
“Then, what? Do you think the entirety of our relationship is going to be summed up by one damn argument? I’ve loved you for your whole life, boy, and I don’t plan on stopping. Not ever. And no matter what words get said, I know you love me, too. So, you need to let that nonsense go and forgive yourself.”
Reaching her hand out towards me, I enclosed it between mine without saying a word—her skin cold and delicate, with raised purple veins running through it. These were not the hands of a young woman, nor had I ever known her to be. Neither of us could stop the passage of time—and looking at her now, one might almost believe the feistiness of the incomparable Georgia LaMott had finally faded.
But not if I had anything to say about it.
Then she continued. “I want you to know… it was hard on me too, carrying that secret all these years. And I spent too long being angry with Robert Hardon for firing your grandfather, when things were already so hard for all of us.” I felt her hand shift slightly as she squeezed mine. “But holding onto anger and blame won’t bring Pops back. What’s done is done. All it can do now is keep stealin’ from both of us.”
“I know.”
“I hope you do. Because I’m worried you’ve been wearing your resentment like a shield for so long, you might’ve forgotten what it feels like.”
“I’m not following…”
“I’m talking about being brave with your heart , James. You have plenty of courage to spare for the rest of your life… you’ll fight for anyone and anything you believe in. But when it comes to sharing your heart beyond me and those boys…” She took a breath. “Honey, not everyone you love is going to leave you.”
The words were like a punch to the gut, so much so that I almost doubled over with the force of it. But seeing as GiGi hadn’t moved a muscle, I knew it had to all be in my mind.
I wanted to fight what she’d said, deny it all, walk away. I almost did, feeling the sudden urge for air in a room that didn’t have nearly enough. The oxygen machine was still making its whoosh whoosh whoosh sounds from over in the corner, and I wondered if instead it was on reverse, siphoning life from the space around us.
It made me think of my mother, for some reason. Is this what it had felt like, sinking down, down, down beneath the surface, the air being pulled from your lungs? I still remembered the feeling of gripping the edge of the ice with cold, wet mittens that day, saying my prayers to God to please just bring her back .
But she didn’t come back.
My father left, too.
Then Pops.
And last night, very nearly, GiGi as well.
I somehow never doubted Jesse or Jack sticking around. We’d been through it all, together for most of our lives. And I’d do literally anything for either one of them. It felt, I don’t know, different somehow. Safer.
But then there was Lizzie. I remembered again our first night together, at my house. When I’d shared with her about my mom, it was the first time I’d been able to open up about that to anyone, outside of my grandmother and the guys. And even with them, there were certain things I kept close to the vest.
With Lizzie, I’d at least been able to lower my shield most of the way. Inch by inch it had dropped, as we’d grown closer over the past few months. And she’d stood by me, through all of it. By this point, whatever protection still remained could easily collapse with the slightest breath—if I let it.
But now, she was gone—-and I \had no idea if or when she’d return. And after arming myself with the strongest fear and resentment imaginable for most of my life, letting go completely felt… terrifying .
What happens if I can’t?
“Tater, it’s gonna be ok.”
I realized I’d been staring out the window this whole time, like maybe the answer lay there, out along the horizon. Shaking my head, I met my grandmother’s eyes, all warm and watery, like home. Something about them made me wonder if those words had actually been intended for both of us.
“What if… I’m too late?”
“For what, sweetie?”
“To let go. To make it right. What if I’ve already lost her?”
I mean, maybe I had. And it would entirely be my own doing, my own fucking words and resentment that had sent her packing.
“You haven’t lost Lizzie. You spoke from a place of shock and pain that night, not lack of love. It’s clear as day that the two of you love each other. And I don’t see that changing so easily, no matter who her family happens to be. But that doesn’t mean it’ll always be easy. The best things rarely are.” GiGi smiled, squeezing my hand tighter. “Just promise me that when she makes her way back to you, your heart will be ready. Don’t let anything hold you back.”
I nodded, taking in her words, as I thought ahead to what mine would be.
I knew she was right about one thing. It was time for me to stop being afraid and tell Lizzie what she deserved to hear most—-the words that had been buzzing around in my head for weeks, but I’d been too afraid to acknowledge them.
Including, how much I loved her.
Because of course I did. I’d felt the words and thought them so much over the past month, especially over the past week. I’d kept pushing it away, admitting only that I cared about her but not letting myself go deeper. It had all felt too much, too soon. How could it be real?
But I knew now—my love for Lizzie was the most real part of me. It gave me purpose and made me feel alive. And it was the thing that mattered the most.
I needed to stop running from it. To be brave, like we’d promised each other we’d be.
I just had to pray I wasn’t too late.
I’ve said I wasn’t the praying type. The first time, it had done nothing to save my mother. Last night with GiGi, though, I had to believe my words had been heard.
Maybe it was worth another shot.