Chapter 5
HARLOW
The ripples in the lake mirror my mood in this moment.
It’s mid-morning, and in one sense I feel numb, but maybe deep down, and I hate to admit it, I feel relieved that someone sneaked a peek into the side of my life that is sometimes lonely.
I’m not sure that I wanted it to be Stone. The connection that has been developing between us has been an uplifting surprise. Now, it’s been ruined by my own fears that I can’t seem to shake.
There is a reason that I hate the night and withdraw into a room behind a laptop.
The night brings out demons that I can’t seem to shake.
Except the last few days, I’ve gotten a glimpse of near normal. At least when a certain former hockey player is nearby.
The feeling of someone approaching should make me tense, but I know it’s him.
Stone.
Arriving at my side, he offers me a coffee. “Hey, you missed the morning session.”
“I don’t drink coffee,” I say as my eyes lift up to admire the view.
“Learned a new fact about you then. More for me.” Stone’s voice sounds slightly delicate which causes me to jolt my sight to him as he sets the cups down on a nearby table next to the wooden seats.
“I’m not going to break if that’s what you’re worried about.”
His lips purse out, and his subtle comforting smile for once doesn’t feel like pity. “I don’t think you are.”
A silence overtakes us, as we’re both unsure of what to say.
I might as well halt the conflict of that predicament. “I write for reasons that nobody understands.” He listens patiently. “And before you ask, yeah, it’s probably what you think. What can I say? People have an evil side to do things to others.”
His head drops down, and he sighs. “I wasn’t going to ask, but the dots kind of connected.”
My cheeks stretch out from the air blowing from my mouth. He must think I’m a victim who has issues.
He reaches his fingers out to touch my shoulder softly. “Your secret is safe with me.” I don’t say anything. “I discovered one of yours, so I think to keep it fair I’ll share mine. A secret for a secret.”
Surprise flares in my eyes as I trap myself in our usual tied-together, unexplainable way.
“You don’t have to,” I offer.
“I want to. It’s not really in comparison to yours, not at all actually.
I have writer’s block. My editor is expecting something in a month, and I keep getting stuck because of baggage that I should have let go of years ago.
After my hockey career ended, I pretended it was some sort of fate.
In truth, I was so depressed about it. What’s worse is I kept thinking of my asshole dad who left me and my brother.
Having nightmares that he was standing on the ice, smirking, that he expected no less from a fuck-up of a son. ”
I’m not sure what to make of it. Appreciative for sure that he’s opened up. Yet it’s not clear what I should say.
He continues, “Parents have an uncanny knack of screwing up our thoughts early in life if they’re not careful.
Truthfully, everyone has moved on except me.
My mom with her husband and Vaughn with fatherhood, that I’m sure he’s more capable of than I could be.
And here I am with the pressure on, thinking I wanted someone to notice me while everyone gets their happy ending…
it all lacks the confidence that I normally carry. ”
It seems he has self-analyzed his own life to a T. I ask instead, “Your writer's block is stirring it all up?”
He nods.
“I’m sure your words will come back,” I assure him.
Stone tucks his hands into his jeans pockets to turn his attention out to the lake. “Probably, but I have a lot of people building this up as some former hockey star writing this amazing book. The pressure is there.”
“Sometimes finding a corner to be alone and writing everything that you wish would happen is the best way.”
“That’s what you do? Write what you’re afraid to do in real life?”
“It’s a bit more than that. It’s my safe space. I’m not scared of anything that happens on the page. No risk of a panic attack or feeling guilty for what I would want if I was capable.”
He draws his breath in, and yet again he is at a loss for words. Stone indicates his head back to the inn. “Want to ditch another session and do that walk we probably should have done on our first day?”
A change of scene is probably the best solution for this morning full of mixed emotions.
My mouth twitches. “Sounds perfect.”
The comforting smile he offers sparks a feeling of safe calm inside me that’s been flickering the past few days… because of him.
We both head straight for the entrance to the forest.
“Let me know if we need to stop for wild animals and leave them a note when their town hall meeting is. I heard humans are out to get them, and they must take action at once,” he teases.
An honest smile begins to haunt my lips for the first time today. “You’re really never going to let that go, are you?”
“Not a chance. And I would certainly never imply that we will cross paths again, because you’re suggesting that I will have more opportunities to taunt you.” I could swear there is optimism hidden behind his statement.
“Maybe so.” I hope so too.
We continue our walk, this time ditching the shortcut into town. The tall trees act as protection from the sky, or rather the gentle breeze that requires a sweater.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” he says.
I chortle. “I hate bread that’s been in the freezer. It feels like a crime.”
He laughs, and it’s deep and hearty, masculine and strong. “Maybe I agree, unless it’s bagels. That’s totally cool to freeze.”
“Hmmm, maybe. Something about you?”
“I have a thing for cactuses in my house. Not sure how that came to be.”
I look at him strangely. “I guess it’s the manliest of plants.”
“I’m also a baby whisperer. I can get my niece to calm down in four minutes and fifteen seconds flat.” He snaps his fingers. “Yeah, we’ve timed it.”
I’m impressed, and he must observe it on my face. “Whoa. You have a cuddly side.”
“Nah, I just enjoy quiet, and the screech of a baby can be a headache,” Stone says, trying to downplay it.
I kick a pinecone out of the way. “I have a thing for animal crackers shaped as dinosaurs. They’re so good.” He bursts out laughing. I shrug “What?” My voice rises. “You asked, and I’m delivering.”
“Okay, you should probably question that more. But hey, I have a thing for deep-frying turkey for the holidays, but at least that’s a normal thing. I do it all the time with my brother.”
“Poor turkeys. Contributing to Stone Madden’s protein diet.” God, my chest feels empty of any ill feelings. It feels near jubilant. I’m not thinking about anything but the decent conversation we’re having. It’s keeping me occupied in only having a better day.
Stone leads the way, and we turn onto another pathway that has a steady incline. “Not going to lie, I’m circling us back to the inn. We’ll sneak past Gloria who probably gave up on us already yesterday.”
“Why are we heading back?”
“Rain’s coming. You can feel it in the air.”
I chuckle. “Are you a boy scout or something?”
“Nah, but it sounded legit. Plus, I have a better idea.”
“What would that be?”
He flashes me a mischievous frown. “You’ll meet me at the indoor pool.”
“I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”
“Doesn’t matter.” My eyes go wide, and his smoldering gaze hits me. “No, naked only crossed my mind for a second, maybe three. But that’s not happening.”
Now, I’m intrigued, which is why I agree. “Okay. I’ll follow your wicked ways and ditch the rest of the day.”
“You always listen to me.” There is that sizzling innuendo again, causing my body to warm a degree or two, with my nipples growing sensitive and tingly. I’m forgetting about my lack of sleep and numb morning before he came along.
Staring at Stone as we stand next to the pool, shoeless and with my sweater removed, so I’m only in leggings and a t-shirt, I’m waiting for an explanation.
Luckily, we’re all alone. The pool is a gorgeous turquoise tile, with a pattern on the bottom of the clear water. It seems to be heated, as a thin level of steam grazes the water’s edges.
“Do you trust me?” he asks, and his hand shoots out, inviting me to take it. Without hesitation, I do. “Jump in with me.”
My face puzzles. “We’re wearing clothes.”
“Makes it all the better. Jump in with me,” he encourages, firm in tone, as if he won’t give up on me.
I squeeze his hand. “This is unusual, probably crazy, but… I’m in.”
“Yeah, we are.”
He yanks me with him, causing me to jump into the water with him. The warmth envelops me until my feet touch the bottom of the pool, not so deep that my head goes under. It happens so fast that I can’t even adjust to this scene, until I can, and my face shades to elation.
“Really, what are we doing?”
“We’re going underwater. Then you can scream as loud as you want without anyone hearing.”
“Won’t you hear?”
Stone shrugs. “Do you mind?”
I shake my head no; I want to follow his guidance. “What’s the point of this?”
“Releases tension, any shitty feelings that you might have. A way to get rid of negative energy, because I sure as hell don’t believe in that energy-of-the-moon crap.”
“Oh? That surprises me,” I deadpan.
A droll smile spreads on his mouth. “Are you in, Harlow?”
I roll my eyes. “I’m in a pool in my clothes, might as well make this worth it.”
“Good. On the count of two.”
“Why not three?”
“That’s too expected.”
That answer fits perfectly. Nothing goes as planned in life.
“Okay.”
“One. Two.”
We both drop under the water, and nerves hit me as I try to figure out if this is ridiculous or not. But when he holds his fingers up to count, I follow.
I scream.
The muffled sound hits my ears, which only encourages me to yell harder. Then a current swims down my veins, hitting my chest. Anger hits me, and I scream more.
I focus on letting out every negative thought that hit me today, maybe even from the past two years. It feels so damn helpful.