Chapter 16
HARLOW
Istare at my blank white screen, desperate for the words to flow. It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Stone. Days too many. We’ve exchanged our usual emails and have done video calls, all the things people in a long-distance relationship do.
But the routine seems to be burning out. Or at least, the last few days a sour feeling hits my stomach then travels up to tighten in my chest. I care for him far too much, and it’s making it hard. It’s more than caring, it’s… everything I could want. But nothing comes easy in life.
Apparently, the expression distance makes the heart grow fonder is the truth.
I wish I could wake up and he’d be here. Or meet him at a restaurant because we decided to have a last-minute dinner together.
Then there is a part of me that’s staying strong, desperate to hang on. The knot we created to tie to one another is very tight. It would be hard to untie.
Stone doesn’t have the opportunity to visit anytime soon, and our publisher is keeping him busy. They’re throwing a wrench in our works.
Which is probably the reason why I get positive apprehensions in my stomach when I see a new email.
Harlow,
They are taking St. Patrick’s Day to a whole new level in Lake Spark.
I was at the Dizzy Duck the other day, using the gym, and I was nearly blinded by the green decorations.
I guess your alter ego would love it. Maybe I’ll grab one of your books and stage it next to a leprechaun hanging off a mug handle as if it was a casual day.
By the way, I told you about this woman, right? I want to ravish her body that molds to mine with perfection. She hums when I scrape her ear with my teeth while I slide into her warm pussy too. Most of all, she always has a euphoric smile on her face when our eyes meet.
If you didn’t get the underlying meaning, I’m saying I miss you. See? I’ve turned into a sappy man, just like your billionaires. Now all I have to do is own some media company or a major real estate company and I’ve turned into your fictional man.
-Stone
Stone,
The thing is, I don’t need fictional when I already have you.
I’ve run into a problem. I loved every second with you last time.
But then I got home, and over the week, reality hit me like a brick.
Distance somehow creates a feeling that I’m not used to.
No, I take that back. I’ve never had it.
Every word tightens our tether. I guess tethers only end if someone breaks it.
But you uplift my day and provide those fantasies in reality.
I wish I could grab your hand right now and we’d go for a walk to talk about our days.
Then when we get home, I would set your hand on my breast, giving you the indication that I’m wet and need you to touch me.
Home. I’m not sure if it’s yours or mine.
We don’t get a middle ground.
-Harlow
Harlow,
In my head I’m on my knees, waiting for you to tell me exactly what you want in a breathy whisper.
You would say my tongue, and I would obey, but I wouldn’t indicate how many fingers I plan on plunging into your soaking and snug pussy while my tongue flicks your clit.
That’s only after my hands would be quick to tug your panties down because you wear skirts a lot.
I wouldn’t pull lightly, instead a forceful drag down your legs.
Then I place a kiss on your inner thighs and part you open.
I wish I could do that every day after we pour a glass of wine and talk about the latest hockey game we’ve watched. You’d look good in my old jersey.
Between the blue lines in hockey, it breaks the offense and defense zone from one another on the ice. A sort of crossroads, except with some broody guys in helmets.
Is that where we are? With the area between the blue line keeping us at bay? Or rather you?
-Stone
Walking out of Zumba class with Flo, we find a seat on a bench in the changing room, ignoring everyone around us while we drink from our water bottles.
“You seem… down,” she remarks.
I close my bottle. “I am, and I’m not.”
“Okay, let me be blunt. Since your last trip, you’ve been down.”
A smile is instant on my face, as it always is when it involves Stone.
“It was a wonderful few days. Better than I could have imagined. Therein lies the problem.” I sigh.
“I feel so close to him, it hurts to be away for long periods. Those are all promising signs when it comes to being with someone, yet I can’t help feeling that we are in a spiral that will never end. That’s what I hate and has me down.”
“Ah, the classic ‘why am I doing this if I’ll only end up in pieces’ kind of philosophy?”
I zip up my light sweater that was in my bag. “It’s hitting me. We ignored it last time we were together, but maybe we were too easy on ourselves, you know?”
Flo gives me a knowing, closed-mouth smile. “Blinded by affection is what you’re saying. Except… well… I think it’s more than that. You’re not sure if he’s the guy you’re falling in love with or the guy who in a way has helped you heal.”
“I don’t want to confuse those two things.”
She raises her finger in the air. “My guess is you already know the answer, you’re just looking for an excuse.
You two are not the first couple to do the long-distance thing, but people do it because they don’t want to let love go.
Sure, eventually they have to find a landing place.
You don’t need to be there now, though. You met the guy like six months ago. ”
That strong current swirls inside me again. “Sometimes that’s all it takes to feel as though the world is different when they’re not around. Hell, people marry in shorter times than that.”
We pause our conversation when we stand up and leave. Deciding to walk two blocks, we grab a table at a café for a late breakfast. Although we made small talk on the walk over, the moment after I order my juice and bagel with avocado, Flo picks up right where we left off.
“So, what’s your plan of action?”
I gently shake my head side to side. “I’m not sure. All options hurt. It just appears letting my feelings for Stone grow, it means a harder ending.”
Flo puffs out a breath. “Now you’re just being a pain in my ass. There doesn’t have to be an ending.”
My shoulders roll back, as I need to release stress and that seems to be my body's way of dealing with it. “I can’t even think straight.”
“Have you tried talking to him about this?”
“I’m sensing that he’s feeling it too, but Stone is relentless, that’s just his nature and temperament. We’re also not very good at finding clarification.” I pick up my lip balm from my bag to smother a layer on my lips. “I should probably give us a little space to get our thoughts in order.”
Flo’s face screws up. “I both hate and like that idea. But ultimately, it’s your call.”
“I need to think a little more, find my feet before I figure out what’s best. All I know is I wish I didn’t have to do anything. He’s… special.” And I feel the bottom of my heart growing an ember into a flame.
Flo gives me an empathetic look which doesn’t do much to ease my mind.
Stone,
Sorry it’s been a few days since I emailed, and maybe I kind of ignored your few texts too.
I’m completely, well… It’s just that I’m enamored with you.
There is nothing I don’t like about you.
From your mind down to your fingers to your cock…
your legs, meh. The point is, what is one to do when you’re holding on, even though it might be a sinking ship?
-Harlow
You grab a life vest.
I’m not ready to let you go.
-Stone
Stone,
I figured you might say that. Gosh, I can see your serious face, with your Adam’s apple rising then dropping because you swallowed, trying to keep it together.
If I were there, then you would wait patiently before you grabbed my arms, not letting me move an inch so you can say your viewpoint and force me to listen.
Which leads us to yet another problem on the list. I enjoy it when you do that.
You have strong viewpoints and hate the word no in the most respectful way.
In fact, you would be adamant to lead me to agree with whatever you say.
Right before you make a joke that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts.
Were we fools last time? I’m probably going to vote for that. We tend to get lost in lust around each other, then throw in a bucketful of feelings now.
-Harlow
Harlow,
Can you hear me chuckling under my breath from there? We are a little past the bucketful of feelings, and you know it. I’m also beginning to feel dizzier than the concussion I got when I played St. Louis and two defensemen had me in a hold, before my head hit the boards and my helmet came off.
If I’m comparing you to that, then you know how much you have me in a chokehold right now.
-Stone
Tears stream down my face because nobody wants what I’m about to type.
Most of all me—well, not true. Stone won’t be happy.
And I think a piece of me is already breaking, but it would shatter more if we wind even tighter around one another, sinking in the current. Which is why I do what I need to do.
Perhaps a little break is what we need. A game suspension or something. Nobody wants it, but we have to in order to regroup. It might save us.
-Harlow
I get a simple sentence back that touches me in the center, somewhere near a window to my soul.
Don’t you remember? You don’t need saving. You never did.