Chapter 8
ISLA
Scarfing down the ice cream sandwich that I’m holding, Hadley comes to join me on my couch.
“Still addicted to ice cream sandwiches?”
“Yes. I moved on from those chocolate ones that have vanilla ice cream in the middle that you buy at the store. I’m now on to two chocolate chip cookies with vanilla ice cream in the middle. I think this is a craving,” I explain as I capture some melting ice cream in my mouth.
Hadley gets comfortable by tucking her knees under her. “So? Did you do it?”
I swallow my last bite and then pause for a second to prepare myself. “I messed up… a lot.”
Over the last few weeks, a stirring feeling chased me. I calmed down a bit and reentered the circle of wanting to tell Vaughn.
She studies me for a second. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”
It all comes out of me. “It’s worse, way worse.”
“How? You still haven’t told him you’re pregnant and you’re nearly halfway.” She isn’t impressed, as she keeps reiterating that he has a right to know, yet she doesn’t judge me either.
“We had sex.”
“What?” she shrieks, and her face turns confused.
I cringe. “I know, it’s not what I should have let happen.”
“Isla, you went to Tampa to tell him. You literally used your brother’s game as an excuse to fly there to tell Vaughn in person because you feel like it isn’t a conversation to have via phone or text. Yet you didn’t tell him and instead had sex with him?”
I rest my head against my propped arm on the back of the sofa.
“He is in no place right now to hear that he is going to be a father. I swear that I went to his home to tell him. It’s just, when I got there, I could see that he wasn’t in a great space in terms of moods.
He also made it clear that he didn’t want to talk nor be a friend, and he only wanted one thing in that moment. ”
“Yeah, he just wanted to fuck,” she bluntly states.
I hold up my other palm to ease her. “It felt like it was what he needed to not be so down, and if I’m honest, I wanted it too.
Really, you should have seen him. If I had told him then, he would have combusted.
He also mentioned that he has no interest in further complications in his life.
This…” I point to my belly, “is a complication.”
Hadley slides her jaw side to side, clearly digesting this development. “You made this far more complex. Once he finds out, he will look back at this.” I don’t answer or say anything. She reaches out to hold my hand between her palms. “Can we really talk for a second?”
“Always.”
“Not telling him after three attempts is your easy way out. It’s by far harder to inform him than not. You keep having excuses why you can’t tell him. They are not the real reasons, though.” She stops and waits for me to pour my heart out, but again, I stay mute.
“Isla, you’re scared he will be exactly like your dad and want no involvement. This is more about you than it is Vaughn,” she delicately explains.
An ache hits my face as my tears come tumbling down in droplets from my eyes. Her theory didn’t take much for my body to react. Simply because she’s right.
“It really sucked at times not having a dad who wanted to be involved in my life. He was barely around during Briggs’s first two years of life, and our dad completely took off when my mom was pregnant with me. What if this baby gets the same treatment?”
She squeezes my hand. “The only way to find out is to ask the man who is the father.”
“He is in a dwelling cloud, that I’m not overreacting on.”
“So, what are you going to do then?”
I sigh. “I thought about it on my flight back. I’m going to do nothing, not until he figures it out—my pregnancy, I mean.
He can discover it in his own way. I can’t keep attempting to tell him and then feel horrible when I don’t, and I know that’s selfish.
I fully agree that he has every right to know, but I just don’t have the strength to break the news for the reasons you mentioned.
And I need my strength to ensure this baby is healthy, it should be my focus. I’m choosing my battles.”
She licks her lips and sits there in contemplation. “If that’s what you feel you need to do then… fine. I’ll support you.” I can tell she doesn’t agree, but she will be on my team anyways.
“Thank you.”
“Anything for you. Crap, is it me who made the pregnant lady cry?” Hadley is trying to make me smile.
“Nah, I think I managed this all on my own.”
“Should I grab you another ice cream sandwich from the freezer?” She hitches her thumb over her shoulder. “I know that you stocked up.”
I chortle and wipe my tears away at the same time. “Nah, I’ll be big enough soon, and I want to watch my sugar intake, as it’s important for the baby.”
She throws a fond look my way. “You’re really going to rock this mom thing.”
“I hope so.”
Hadley claps her hands together. “Okay, so plan of action is to give up on trying to tell Vaughn, and he will need to figure it out either by word of mouth or seeing that you’re carrying prized goods?”
“Could you maybe ask Connor not to mention that I’m pregnant?" I warn. "Not sure that's the way for this all to unfold."
She points a finger in the air. “Right, check that option off the list. We are sticking to Vaughn maybe running into you and figuring it out himself.”
“Exactly. I'm lucky, I guess, that I haven't really started to have a belly, especially if I wear baggy shirts. But I’ll start showing soon, no way around that. My jeans barely fit. I’ve moved onto using an elastic band to keep them up. Which means everyone will figure out that I’m pregnant soon.
At least, the people who I haven’t told.
” I sigh and feel that pain build in my throat again.
"It's really not that I'm trying to keep him out of this baby's life, I swear…
it's just… he's only given me signs that I will be hurt, and I just can't bear it now," I remind her. “After I have the baby I won’t feel so fragile, as if I’m about to break, and my determination to tell him will return.”
She gives me a sympathetic look. "I know…
it's your own fear that you need to overcome.
" A long silence hits us before she changes her demeanor and attempts a smile.
“We should go shopping for maternity clothes. Ooh, and are we finding out the sex of the baby at your twenty-week ultrasound? A gender reveal cake is completely in order.” Her excitement is overtaking her.
“Yes, to clothes, and no, I don’t want to find out, so no cake, sadly.”
She throws me a pretend pout. “Hmm, we’ll just have to go all out at your baby shower before the baby arrives.”
I look around my living room and my eyes gently gawk at the scene. “Well, at this rate I won’t have much space to store anything. I need to add moving to my list. I use the second bedroom in this place as a closet.”
“A closet housing dresses and your shoe collection is important.”
I appreciate that she has detoured from our serious discussion. That’s the kind of friend I need, someone who follows my cues of what to say or do.
“Ready to implement the plan of action?” I ask.
It takes only a beat before she squeezes my arm. “No telling Vaughn and Big Isla, here we come.”
I laugh. “I’m hoping for a cute bump. But yes, plan confirmed.”
One day, I just hope Vaughn will understand.
It’s a few weeks later when I’m sitting at my desk going over project timelines in our Kanban boards on our project tool when my phone buzzes with an incoming message.
I finish typing my sentence when I quickly skim the screen of my phone, then my eyes shoot wide open in attention when I see Vaughn’s name on top of the bubble box.
Vaughn
Hey, I just wanted to touch base. A few weeks ago was kind of unexpected, and I’m well aware that it wasn’t my finest move. Just wanted to ensure that you don’t feel used or think that I’m an even bigger ass than you probably already did.
I tap my finger against my desk, taking in the fact that he’s been thinking about me or that night, which is why he texted now. I’m surprised for sure, but also remind myself of my plan of action that feels more like a strong conviction.
Still, the magnetic pull of his words causes me to type back.
You didn’t use me. I also offered.
Okay.
I should flip my phone over and move on, but I don’t. A speck inside of me is wondering if this is a tiny door to try again or at least figure out if he is in a better place.
Hope you are feeling better?
The dots on the phone indicate that he is typing back, then he stops, then types again.
I am actually. Maybe even partly excited for what’s next. Sure as hell not in the state that I was in when you last saw me. Although I guess I’m always a little demanding in certain ways…
The corner of my mouth hitches at his attempt to lighten the conversation.
I’m also happy that he seems to be in a different mood.
For a second, I think about breaking the news.
But then I remind myself that text isn’t the way for me, but I could ask that we speak.
Maybe a video call is better than nothing.
I’m happy to hear. You mentioned what’s up next, so what is that?
Maybe I’m testing the water.
Yeah, general management for a team, and I already have a few teams interested. It’s a hell of a lot more demanding schedule, but I’m at a stage in my life where I can devote my time and go all in.
My stomach sinks again, as any light that I thought might help me unlock my secret just vanished.
The idea to ask that we talk is a sentiment that I now ignore.
Yet again, Vaughn has no clue that he planted more doubt in my head.
All indications are that our baby news is the last thing he would ever want to hear right now.
And in a selfish move, I need to focus on this pregnancy and being healthy both physically and mentally. It’s easier if I just leave this be.
Which is why I simply write back and brush past his innuendo.
I need to get back to a project. Take care, Vaughn.
It’s what is best right now.