Chapter 23
Shay
I got caught coming home late from Landon’s.
It turned out my father was also pulling in at four in the morning.
Mom and Dad sat in front of me on the living room couch. They stared my way as if they didn’t even know who I was anymore, but to be fair, I stared at them the same way. I missed Mima being at the house when I got home. I missed having her laughter, her warmth, and her wisdom so nearby.
“You’re grounded,” Mom said, her eyes burning with emotion.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” I muttered, crossing my arms.
“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” Dad snapped, pointing my way.
“You’ve been acting out, and it’s not OK.
So from now on, we are putting our feet down.
You don’t sneak out anymore, Shannon Sofia.
You do not speak back to us with that attitude.
You don’t bring boys back to our household, and you definitely do not stay out until morning.
Do you understand me? Do you hear what I’m saying? ”
I didn’t say a word, and my silence seemed to piss him off.
He stood up and approached me. “I said, do you hear me?”
I gritted my teeth together. “Loud and clear.”
“Why are you doing this, Shay? You’ve never acted out before. You’ve always been a good girl,” Mom said.
“Yes, tell us why. It makes no sense that you’re acting out. We don’t understand why you’re making things more difficult for this household,” Dad added in, and that made my skin crawl.
I huffed. “I’m the one making this house difficult?”
“I don’t like the tone, Shannon Sofia,” Dad hissed, his hands gripping into fists.
“Yeah, well. I don’t like that you’re a liar.”
“Listen, you guys—” Mom started, but I cut her off.
I sat straighter. “Are we going to have a family meeting about you dealing again?” I shot at my father. “Or are we going to pretend that that’s not a thing?”
“Shay!” Mom snapped.
“What? I don’t see why we skirt around the subject. Isn’t that why Mima moved out? Or why you kicked her out? For speaking the truth. If we are going to scold people for acting out, maybe we should start with Dad’s behavior. What were you doing out at four in the morning?”
That pushed him over the edge. His clenched fists tightened. “You have a lot of nerve, little girl,” he barked, flashes of anger in his eyes. He took a step toward me, and Mom leaped up to stand, stepping in front of him to block his advances.
She placed her hands on his shoulders. “Stop, Kurt,” she ordered.
He grimaced, and his eyes pierced into me for a second before he took a step back. “Go to your room,” he ordered. “And don’t fucking think about leaving it until we say so.”
I hated him. I hated how he pushed Mima away. I hated Mom for allowing it. I hated that our house felt nothing like a home anymore. It felt more like a prison cell, and I wanted to break free.
I did as they said. I went to my room, and I lay in my bed, with no regrets of being there for Landon. He’d needed somebody last night, and I was glad I had been there for him when he needed me the most.
* * *
When it rained, it poured. I wasn’t sure how much my heart could take from the way life was hitting me and breaking my heart all at once.
Not only was I dealing with all of the heartache of my own home, but Eleanor had called me and told me Aunt Paige wasn’t getting better.
They were going to move down south to be by the ocean for Aunt Paige’s final days of life.
I didn’t know my heart could shatter into so many inconsolable pieces.
After hearing that from Eleanor, I stayed at their house for a week. It was better than being home with my parents. Plus, I wanted as much time with Aunt Paige as I could get before they packed up their things and left.
I did my best holding it together in front of Eleanor’s family so I could allow them to go on as if all was OK. One morning when I couldn’t sleep, I found Aunt Paige sitting on their back porch, watching as autumn prepared to move into winter.
I grabbed a cup of coffee and headed out to sit with her. The moment she saw me, she lit up with the biggest smile.
She looked so painfully tired but still always smiled.
I once asked her privately how she could continue to smile through all the hard parts. Aunt Paige had grinned, touched my cheek, and said, “Because as long as my eyes can see the faces of the ones I love, there will always be a reason to smile.”
I’d remember that message for the rest of my life.
“Couldn’t sleep either?” Aunt Paige said.
“No.” I lowered my head and stared at the spiraling coffee in my cup.
“It’s OK here,” Aunt Paige whispered, nudging me in the arm. “You don’t have to play strong here. It’s just us now. We can be real, you and me.”
That was when the tears began to fall at a faster pace. I’d been holding them in for far too long, and Aunt Paige comforted me as I cried. The thought of losing her felt like losing an angel. I’d never meant someone so pure. So gentle.
“I’m so sorry, Aunt Paige. This isn’t fair,” I sobbed against her chest as she wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated, not knowing what else to say.
“It’s OK, my sweet girl. It’s OK.”
Once I pulled myself together enough, I sat up and sniffled. I wiped the sleeve of my sweatshirt beneath my nose. We stared out into the distance for a while, watching the sun begin to wake up for the day.
“It’s still not fair,” I said.
“I thought that for a while, too. I was mad at life for stealing so much from me. So much of a future that I don’t get to see with you and Ellie.
” She turned toward me with glassy eyes.
That stare broke my heart into more little pieces.
She touched my cheek and continued speaking, “But that was never the promise life gave to us. Life promised us experiences, and life promised us the ability to feel all of it—the good and the bad. The fun and the hard. That’s the gift of it all .
. . Life didn’t promise us forever, but it did give us the ability to feel it all.
And oh”—she placed her hands over her heart—“it has been my greatest honor to feel it all. I have lived a life fully felt, and I think that was my gift. That was my heaven on earth. The ability to feel everything so deeply.”
Her words pierced to my soul, written in the ink of her love.
“Make me a promise, Shay?” Aunt Paige asked.
“Of course.”
“Promise me that you and Eleanor will live your lives to the fullest and feel it all—the good and the bad.”
I leaned against her side. “I promise, Aunt Paige.”
Even when the feelings felt so hard.
* * *
The week Eleanor and her family left Illinois, I still didn’t want to stay at my house.
With Mima gone, Dad was walking all over Mom.
It was hard to watch her be belittled. It was even harder knowing that she was allowing herself to be spoken to in the way my father spoke to her.
I wanted her to be stronger. I didn’t realize how weak she’d become.
“Stand up, Mom,” I’d beg, and she would tell me I didn’t understand.
She wasn’t wrong about that—I didn’t understand much about her anymore.
Instead of being at home each night, Landon would show up to my house, and I’d sneak out and go to his place. He’d bring me home before my parents noticed. I didn’t even care if they noticed, though. I was losing a lot of concern about what they thought of me.
When I’d go to Landon’s for the sleepovers, we didn’t do anything. All he did was hold me in his arms. He’d hold me tight when I cried. He’d hold me tighter when I didn’t cry, because he knew my mind was racing when I was completely quiet.
When Landon dropped me off at home one early morning after a difficult night for me, I said, “Thank you for holding me for so long last night.”
He smiled shyly. “I’d hold you forever if you allowed me to.”