Chapter 52
Shay
“I’m fine, really, Shay. It’s funny, the only thought going through my head right now is that I’m exhausted.
I really want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep,” Landon said, rubbing his tired eyes.
I’d spent the past three hours with my arms wrapped around him, and if I were honest, I wasn’t ready to let him go.
I narrowed my eyes at him, uncertain of what to believe.
Because for the most part, he seemed all right.
He seemed as if he was handling everything perfectly well.
Then again, I also knew Landon. I knew how he hid his hurts from the outside world.
How he tried his best to be strong even when all he wanted to do was fall apart.
I knew how his cracked heart beat crookedly.
So the last thing I wanted was for me to go back to my place and leave him to fall apart all on his own. If he was going to fall apart, I wanted to be there to catch him.
“I’ll stay the night with you,” I whispered.
“What? No. I’m fine, really, Shay. There’s nothing to worry about. I’m good.”
“Let me stay tonight. Just until morning, and then you can kick me out.”
He stared at me with his shoulders back, showcasing his strength, but in those blue eyes of his, I saw his pain. It came in flashes, and he oftentimes tried to blink it away. His heart was broken for Karla, and I wasn’t sure how it would ever heal if he kept everything inside.
“I’m OK,” he whispered, and this time his voice was a little shakier than before.
“Yes, I know, but still.” I took his hands into mine. “Let me stay.”
He led me to the bed and offered me one of his T-shirts and a pair of shorts. They were way too big for me, but somehow they seemed to fit perfectly against my skin.
He lay down on the bed, and I allowed him to wrap his arms around me. The room was filled with silence even though neither of us was sleeping. I knew his mind was running fast, and I didn’t want to blink just in case he needed me to remind him to breathe.
I didn’t know how long we stayed in that position, pressed against one another, quiet as night. I didn’t know how long his mind kept spinning. I didn’t know how his thoughts were being tamed. But the moment I heard his breathing calm and realized he was sleeping, I too faded into a slumber.
* * *
The next few days, I made it my responsibility to check in on Landon and make sure he was keeping his head above the water.
Me: How’s your heart today?
Landon: Somehow still beating.
Me: Do you need company?
Landon: It’s OK. I’m sure you’re busy.
Me: Too bad, I’m already at your hotel door, so you might as well let me in.
As he opened it, he smiled wide. “Not going to lie, I’m pretty happy you’re here.”
Me too, Landon. Me too.
We headed into his hotel room. Landon shut the door behind me as I took off my shoes. “I was planning to order takeout, sit on your couch, and do nothing. If you’re down for that, I’ll make sure to order enough food for two.”
“That sounds perfect,” he said.
I raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to watch Friends?”
“Hell yeah, I want to watch Friends.” He grinned from ear to ear and headed to the couch to take a seat. I grabbed my phone to order dinner and sat down beside him. We ended up ordering more Chinese food than we could’ve ever possibly eaten, and as he watched Friends, I watched him.
It felt like the olden days. When we’d eat junk food and watch Friends and forget that the world outside of us was crumbling for a little while. We’d laugh, and snuggle, and hold on to each other in order to keep our broken puzzles together.
As we sat there, Landon didn’t look like one of the world’s best actors. He looked like a regular human being enjoying his time with me.
I pulled my knees into my chest and hugged them. “What happened to you, Landon?”
“What do you mean?”
“All those years ago . . . What happened to you? Why did you disappear?” He lowered his head and flinched a small bit. Obviously nervous about the question. “You don’t have to answer.”
“Yes, I do. Even though it’s still sometimes hard to bring up, I want you to know. It matters to me that you know the truth even though it’s hard to speak about.”
I shut off the television, moved in closer to him, and took his hands into mine. “I’m not going anywhere regardless of what you say. I’m here. I’m listening.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving against his throat, and he began speaking.
“After going to California, I lost my way, but I tried to pretend I was fine. I didn’t want to worry people anymore. Then my father passed away. That made me spiral more, because we never got closure. So I tried to push away my depression instead of facing it.”
He turned to face me and gave me a broken smile as he continued, “I thought if I kept working nonstop, I’d be OK.
I figured if I stopped going to therapy and stopped dragging up my past, I’d be fine.
I could focus on work and nothing else. I could put on a mask, appear happy to the world, and avoid dealing with the darkness inside me. ”
Oh, Landon . . .
He went on, “I, um, I became so good at pretending I was happy that I stopped taking my medicine that helped with my dark thoughts. I assumed I didn’t need it and could keep the act going strong.
But . . . it turned out I couldn’t. I remember being at a party one of the cast members was throwing.
It was a stupid thing, really. All the actors were much more seasoned than me, and they were reading mean tweets that were posted about them, having a good laugh.
“Then it came my time to read my mean tweets, which I’d never looked into, and fuck .
. .” He took a deep breath and rubbed his fingers against mine.
“That was hard. Not only was I dealing with my father’s death, but now I had strangers around the world telling me how I wasn’t good enough the same way my father had.
And I allowed it to crush me. ‘Landon Pace is a wannabe actor and can’t deliver a line to save his life.
’ ‘The world would be better if Landon Pace wasn’t on this earth because that movie was a bomb.
’ ‘Landon Pace is a piece of shit who no one would miss if he died.’ The list went on and on, and I couldn’t handle it, not without my meds or my real people who cared about me.
I went home with dark, dark thoughts. Darker than I’d ever had.
Next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed after having my stomach pumped. ”
“Oh my gosh, Landon.” My hands shot to my chest as he unfolded the story I wasn’t ready to hear. “You overdosed?”
He nodded. “Not on purpose, but yeah. I’d come home with my mind moving a million miles per hour, and I took my depression pills to try to slow down my thoughts. It didn’t help that I was drunk off my ass.”
“I would’ve never thought . . . Every time I saw you on the internet, you looked so happy.”
“The joys of acting,” he joked. “No one can tell when you’re really happy or just playing a role.
” He rubbed the back of his neck. “We were already so far into postproduction with my film with Sarah, and they didn’t want the overdose scandal to get out.
So they redirected the narrative and made it appear as if Sarah and I were a couple.
After those pictures, I checked into an inpatient psych center like the one Karla’s at and got back on track with my meds.
I started seeing my therapist Dr. Smith again, too.
It was the worst period of my life, and I had to fight like hell to come back from it, but I did. ”
A heavy pit of confusion settled in the bottom of my stomach. “Why didn’t you come back to me? Why did you push me away? I would’ve understood. You could’ve explained it all to me.”
His blues looked up at me with a gentleness I hadn’t seen before.
He tilted his head and shrugged. “You deserved to be happy. I showed up once to explain things, but I felt as if I was too late. You were laughing on campus with some guy, and I was still pretty messed up in the head. I knew if I saw you, there wouldn’t be a lot of laughing for a while.
There would be a lot of pain, of struggle with you trying to hold me up while I fell apart, and I didn’t want that for you.
I didn’t want to be your burden anymore. ”
Some guy?
My mind started racing back to my college years, trying to pinpoint which guy he was talking about.
The only person who came to mind was Jason, and we were never anything more than friends even though he’d wanted more.
He’d come over a few times to see if we could make something work, but nothing ever developed into more than friendship.
“Landon.” I moved in closer to him, taking his hands into mine. My forehead rested against his as his breaths brushed against my skin. “I would’ve taken our hard days over happy days with any other person in this world.”
“I know. That’s why I had to walk away. You would’ve given up your happiness to swim in my darkness, and I didn’t want that for you.
I didn’t want you to drown, too. I wanted to be able to give you the happy days more than the sad, so I had to walk away.
I had to get right with my mind and learn how to lean on myself instead of leaning on you.
But do understand . . . even though I had a lot of bad days, the worst day of my life was when I had to walk away from you. ”
Our hands clasped together, and I closed my eyes as his words embedded themselves into my heart and soul. I moved in even closer to the point that I was in his lap, and his hands were wrapped around me.
Our lips brushed against one another as my heart began pounding wildly within my chest. “Tell me your biggest truth, and I’ll tell you mine.” I sighed against his mouth, gentle kisses rolling against him.
“I never stopped missing you,” he confessed, his hands making small circles against my lower back. “I never stopped dreaming about you,” he whispered as his mouth moved to my neck. “I never stopped wanting you,” he promised. “And I never stopped loving you.”
“I love you, too, Landon,” I confessed, feeling so raw, exposed, and protected in his arms. “More than words, I love you. I tried to bury it. I tried to delete it from my heart, but that heart? It still beats for you. It always has, and it always will.”
“Give me another chance to prove to you that I’m man enough to care for your heartbeats?” His voice was timid and low as he locked eyes with me.
“Yes, but please . . .” I took a deep inhalation. “Go slow.”
We made love that night, and it felt different than any of the times before.
It felt stronger, stable. Real. As Landon slid inside me, it felt as if we were releasing everything we were before in order to become who we were truly meant to be with one another.
He made love with his apologies, and I made love with my own.
Every time my nails dug deeper into his skin, I prayed he could tell how much I loved him, how much I missed him, how much I needed him.
Each time he kissed me, his lips on my lips, his soul pouring into mine, I thanked God for second chances.
For new beginnings. For us and our happily ever after.
Landon locked his eyes with mine as I cried out in bliss from his steady thrusts.
I wanted to lose myself against him, and I wasn’t even scared of that fact because I knew he’d take care of every single part of my heart that I gave to him.
He’d love me through my ups and downs. I’d love him through his, too.
The sex that night wasn’t simply sex; it was a promise. A promise to keep showing up for one another. A promise to forgive and let go of our past mistakes. A promise of forever. Forever . . . Landon made that promise to me over and over and over again that night. I promised him the same.
I swore to give him all of me. Even the jaded edges of my soul. Even the broken pieces of my heart. Because he’d hold all my scars and still call them beautiful.
Just as I would with his own.