26
*********
Walker
Itake my phone out of my pocket and make sure it’s silenced just as a message comes through from Poppy. With the show starting in a few minutes, I wasn’t expecting any contact from her till after.
Poppy: I put a note in your pocket. Can you please give it to Cade?
I frown at the message. Cade’s been home for a week, and Poppy insisted he come to this show, though I’m not sure why.
Poppy: Don’t be a jealous butthole. Give him the note.
Me: I wasn’t.
Me: I didn’t get a note though.
Poppy: Don’t be a whiny ass. Love you.
Me: You can make it up to me later. Love you. Good luck.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a tiny piece of paper and wonder how in the fuck she got it into my pocket without me noticing. Or without me getting the wrong idea and getting hard.
“Yo, Huff.” I nod toward him before waving him over.
Slowly, he stands and squeezes himself past Watson and Ryann. “Yeah?”
Holding the paper out, I scowl. “This is from Poppy. If it’s a love letter, you’d better start running right now because I’ll beat you senseless and shove that note straight up your ass.”
He gives me his usual charming Cade Huff grin. The season truly wasn’t the same without this fucking guy.
“Bro, I’m fresh out of rehab. I’ve been talking about my feelings and crying into my pillow for the last three months. I’m not equipped to fight tonight,” he answers, putting his mouth in a flat line before holding his hand out and snatching the letter from me. “Besides, James, I’m a dad now. Poppy knows any crush she could have possibly had on me now means nothing.” He shrugs, I glare harder, and he laughs, swatting my stomach. “Relax. I’m joking. I’m joking.”
As he heads back to his seat with the note firmly in his hand, I try not to stare to gauge his reaction, but, holy fuck, it’s hard.
*********
Poppy
I shake my arms, letting all the tension in my body release from my hands. Or at least, that’s the goal. I’m not sure it works.
The performance I’m about to give means more to me than any other dance I’ve ever done because I’m dedicating my solo to a dear friend—a person I found an unlikely connection with during the worst day of my life.
Cade Huff.
A man who, months ago, was at my brother’s, buying drugs while lying to everyone in his life and hiding that he had a problem. A man who could have continued to go down the same path Van did, but got help instead. And now, fresh out of rehab and expecting his first child, he deserves this.
When I heard the song I chose, I knew it was made for people like me, Cade, Van, and Walker—all of us who just feel like we don’t belong here, like we’re not good enough, like our lives are a circus and we’re the opening acts.
And what I’ve figured out is, that’s okay. Because all these experiences, heartaches, and struggles make us stronger; it makes us damn near bulletproof.
When I took that scrap of paper and grabbed a pen, I wanted to keep it simple while also letting Cade know that he had made an impact on my life just by being himself. And by showing me that even the most lost souls can be found.
I close my eyes, trying to imagine Cade right now while he reads the words. I hope it doesn’t trigger him in any way or make him feel uncomfortable. But it’s just something I needed to say.
Cade,
I know you’re not the most serious guy I know. And you know damn well that I’m not one to get all touchy-feely and shit. But, Huff, I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I’m so proud of you for getting help before you put your parents through what Jake and I went through with losing Van.
This song and this dance are for you. Because, Cade, sometimes…being human is hard. And sometimes, it feels like it’d be easier to give up. But just know that your baby will be so happy that his dad chose not to do that.
Love,
Princess Poppy
The tears fell from my eyes as I wrote the letter to Cade. When I found out he was going to be a dad, I was a bit worried because that’s a lot of pressure, especially for someone fresh from rehab and trying to stay sober. But I know in my heart he will be the best dad.
When the dancer before me ends her performance and the curtain closes, I make my way to the center of the stage. Moments later, Shinedown’s “A Symptom of Being Human” begins to play, and the curtain opens.
Every lyric in this song hits me so deep in my core that it physically hurts. But at the same time, it’s almost as though I can feel the pain melting away, lifting from my body and floating into the air in dark, thick clouds. I feel lighter than I ever have, my eyes filling with tears as I do what I was born to do. Dance. Let the music take me where it wants to.
I don’t always feel like I belong in a room. Or that I’m wanted in a place. And I’ve been burned, and I’ve burned bridges—lots of them. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve hurt others. I’ve stared at myself in a mirror and cursed my own existence. I’ve looked at someone else and wished that we could trade places. Even if that wouldn’t be fair to them. And I’ve taken out the pity card more times than I can count and asked myself, Why me?
But the truth is, if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else. Maybe someone who would have given up long ago. So, I’ve kept going. And fought back. And as corny as it is…I think the little girl who was curled up, scared, and crying when I was younger would be proud of the woman I am right now.
I didn’t need a man to define me or make me who I am now. But Walker James isn’t just a man. He’s a best friend. A protective shield. An ally. A constant reminder that I’m not in this life alone.
And I can say that without him, I’m not so sure I would have made it out of my childhood alive. And if I had, I sure as hell would have been a lot more jaded than I am.
So, I let myself let go. I let go of everything holding me back, and I vow that from here on out, I won’t focus on the bad parts of me or my life. Even on the days when the darkness creeps back in—because it will. It never goes away completely. And maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s there to remind me that we don’t have to be just our sad stories. We can be both.
We can be whatever we want.
The song slowly fades out, and I look out at the crowd. My eyes land on Cade, and I give him a small smile and nod. Because people like Cade, Van, Walker, Ryann, and heck, even Sutton Savage…they’ve all felt pain. And yet they fight on.
We fight on.
“I don’t think I’ve ever cried to a dang lyrical routine, bitch,” Ryann sobs, pulling me against her as I walk backstage. “Damn you.”
I sniffle, giggling at the same time, and hug her back. “Sorry. Good thing you already performed. Otherwise, that perfect makeup of yours would have been ruined. And you know I couldn’t help you.”
Releasing me, she laughs. “Yeah, that’s an understatement. You’d make me look like Bozo the Clown or probably poke my eye out on accident.” She puts her hands on my shoulders and sighs. “That was beautiful, Pop. I’ve seen you dance many, many times. But that was by far my favorite. It was almost like that song was meant for you to dance to. You were stunning.”
“Thank you,” I say with a smile. “I just wanted to take something sad and turn it into something…I don’t know.”
“Beautiful?” she answers, raising her brows. “Because, baby girl, that’s exactly what that was.” Her eyes narrow a little. “Was it for anyone in particular?”
“It was for a friend,” I whisper. “It was for him. And Van. You, me. Hell, even Sutton.” I chew my bottom lip. “We’re all human.”
“Okay, you are not about to make me cry again. Why am I so freaking emotional today?!” she groans and grabs my hand. “Let’s go see our husbands, shall we? I got a glimpse of mine from the stage, and yummy. I’m going to climb that man like a tree.”
“Too much info.” I shake my head, holding my hand up. “I do not need to know any details about you and Watson Gentry.”
“Your loss.” She shrugs before pulling me along.
When we enter the hallway, I immediately spot Walker standing next to Hunter and Sutton. Next to her is Cade’s soon-to-be baby mama, Haley, and Cade himself. Ryann spots Watson immediately, leaping into his arms, and somehow, he catches her in time, and they start making out, giving absolutely no fucks that we’re all watching.
Walker sees me right away, but when Cade approaches me first, he stays back. He might joke around about being jealous of Cade, but I know that deep down, he’s kidding. He knows that Cade and I just have a weird bond through my brother and his death.
“Princess Poppy,” he drawls slowly. “You know I’m not much of a crier. But that shit had me all choked up.”
My lips turn up in the smallest smile as I take in my friend, looking at him almost as if he’s someone else. Because he sort of is now that he’s clean and sober.
“Felt like it was an appropriate song choice.” I pause. “For both of us.”
He pulls me in for a hug, and I breathe him in. Because this is the first time since Cade left for rehab that I’ve seen him, and he looks so good. And healthy. And for reasons I don’t understand, hugging him makes me feel like…just for a second, Van is here, even if that makes no sense.
Life sometimes doesn’t make sense. Van didn’t get a second chance to be better. He’s just…gone. Meanwhile, Ron has done some unthinkable things, and he’s still alive to tell the tale of each of them. And, yeah, Cade Huff will be an addict for the rest of his life. Even after he’s been clean for years, he’ll wear that title. But unlike Ron—who got out of jail months ago for a total of two weeks before he was caught dealing drugs again, and this time, he’ll be in there for a long, long time—Cade Huff is a good person. A great man. And he will be a wonderful father.
Keeping his arms around me, he squeezes. “Something one of the counselors told me in there is that we don’t have to be the person we were yesterday. We can be whoever we want.” His voice grows thicker. “I’ve chosen to get my life together and be the man my baby and Haley deserve. And you, Princess Poppy, you’ve chosen to let go of all that anger inside you.” He releases me, stepping back. “It’s written all over your face, you know? You look like you feel lighter now.” He smiles. “And I’m so fucking happy to see it. You’re too good of a person for people to think otherwise.”
I cringe. “I was sort of an asshole for a while, huh?”
Holding his fingers up, he pinches them together. “Maybe just a tad. But it’s all right. You and me? We’re going to be better now.” He glances over at Haley, who stands next to Walker. “And I think, deep down, we both know that even if it’s us putting in the work to make sure of that, we should be thanking them. For giving us a reason to want to be better in the first place.”
Walker’s eyes find mine, and my vision blurs with tears.
“One thousand percent,” I whisper.
Because he’s right.