Chapter 8 #3
He would never characterize himself as na?ve in most ways. He was flat-out overly familiar with how terrible life could be. But he would be the first to admit that he didn’t necessarily understand the complexities of people who didn’t work like him.
Who weren’t stripped down to the basics in quite the same way.
“Well, I took care of my mom for a long time. I just had to practice being really patient. Anytime I felt frustrated or unhappy about what I was doing, I would just set it aside for a while. I would imagine it in my mind, like I was cleaning the house, and I came across something I didn’t quite know what to do with.
I would envision myself setting it aside.
Moving it out of view. But the trouble is, that really is all you’ve done.
All you’ve done is move it out of view. Eventually, there’s a whole big pile of frustration that you’ve never dealt with, that you’ve never felt.
When my brother cheated on Marlowe, I let some of it out.
I yelled at him. I told him exactly what I thought about him. ”
She grimaced. “It wasn’t all about Marlowe. Some of it was about me. Because he let me take care of our mother. He didn’t do anything to help. I thought it was okay. The whole time I was doing it, I thought it was okay. But it really wasn’t okay.”
She shrugged before she continued. “Part of moving out here was supposed to be me being free of all that. Needing to be sort of relentlessly up for anything and taking care of other people before I took care of myself. But I haven’t really done a whole lot for myself.
Except apparently it’s easy enough for me to give you a hard time. ”
“Well, glad I’m helping you realize your goals.”
“It’s surprising, actually.”
“Surprising that I’m useful in any way?”
“Oh no. I figure you have to be useful. That’s why they keep you around, right?”
“Because it can’t be for my personality.”
She squinted. “You said it. Not me.”
He jumped when she touched him. Her gentle hand on his elbow a total and complete shock. So much so, he quit walking. “What?”
“I’m kidding,” she said, her voice so sincere it threatened to crack something hard and cynical inside him.
“What?”
“I feel bad. That was too mean.”
He shook his head. “Do you think I’m trying to win Mr. Congeniality?”
“Well, just in case you are, I feel bad, because that was too mean.”
“It was not too mean. If I cared about being the most popular guy around, I might make an effort.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, fuck my personality. I want to win based on my looks.”
“You could definitely do that.”
He looked back at her, his stomach tightening just a bit.
All the better to eat you with.
She’d said the flirty thing. He hadn’t.
Her face went red, and she looked away from him. “Why don’t you? Care about…people liking you or observing the basic social rules the rest of us do?”
She made it sound like he was being selfish or a dick on purpose, which he didn’t particularly like. Maybe that was what made him answer.
He let out a hard breath. “I’m just not a people person.”
“Like since… forever?”
“Pretty much,” he said.
“Always?”
“Mostly always.”
“Then why don’t you live on a mountain top somewhere, instead of living on a ranch with a whole lot of people who want to be friends with you?”
He huffed to laugh. “I don’t know. That’s a good question. Except that you know, as good as I am in survival situations, I don’t always want to have to rely on my own skills to save me. Nice to have some other people around sometimes for that.”
“Fair,” she said.
“The military is a brotherhood,” he said, even as he wondered why he was telling her this. Maybe because she was the first person to ever ask.
“Right.”
“The rodeo is, too, to an extent. I guess I found myself in those situations, and it made a certain kind of sense to me. It’s easier to be around people when you have a common mission.”
“And this ranch is a little bit like that.”
“Yeah. Plus, I got to know Cody at the rodeo. It meant I didn’t have to get to know anybody new to come do this.”
“But you also have your own property. Are you going to work at Painted Ridge forever, or do you have other plans?”
He hadn’t talked to anybody about his plans, not even Cody.
“I have some plans,” he said. “Someday, maybe it’ll be the right time to implement them. But I’m not in a hurry.”
“Well, what are your plans?”
“I don’t know. Not important.”
“Well, that’s a lie. Obviously, they’re important, or you wouldn’t have them.”
“I just mean, they’re not that interesting. If you’re not into ranching.”
“Who says I’m not into ranching?”
“You don’t even like being outside very much.”
“I’m learning,” she said. “Anyway. Maybe I just haven’t had the chance to be very interested in ranching. Maybe this will be the first thing that really interests me.”
“Horses,” he said.
“Oh. You’re right. I don’t like horses.”
“I told you. You’re a stubborn little cuss, and you don’t listen to me or anybody.”
“Well, that’s just rude,” she said.
“I’m a little bit rude,” he said.
“Okay, that isn’t fair. It’s just that I got bit by a horse.”
“Well, when you were injured, my horse helped you get to safety, didn’t he?”
“I think that was mainly you.”
“No. My horse was a big part of that. Kenobi is a good dude. He helps out whenever I need him to.”
“Isn’t he just trained to let you ride him?”
“I suppose. But think about it. A horse is a big animal. To an extent, if he doesn’t want you on him, you’re not going to be there. It’s a symbiotic relationship if you do it right. You’re kind of one with each other. And if you aren’t, then it doesn’t work.”
“If you aren’t, you get bit on the shoulder?”
“I can’t speak to that.”
“Well, that’s most of my experience with horses.”
“One bite. I’ve been bitten a hell of a lot more times than that.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. But then, I’ve worked with all kinds of different horses, who have been through all kinds of different things, and they’ve worked with me.”
“What do you mean they’ve worked with you?”
“Equine therapy,” he said.
He deliberately kept it vague. She didn’t need to know that he had equine therapy, though it would be easy enough for her to figure out.
Horses had saved his life. That was just the truth.
It wasn’t that he was embarrassed about it.
He wasn’t. It was just that it was personal.
And one thing he didn’t much like to do was get into the personal.
“Oh, that’s really interesting. What do you do with that?”
“There are a lot of different things. Riding, just being around the horses, letting them be around you. You build up a trust relationship, and it does something for you.”
“Maybe that should be next on my list. Maybe it would help me deal with horses and some other things.”
“I’m all for it.”
“If even you’re for it, then it must be good.”
“Well, I’m pretty damn smart,” he said.
“I’m sure you are.”
“Now you’re just being nice because you feel bad since a few minutes ago you insulted me.”
“No, that’s not true. I think you are smart. Look at everything you’ve taught me today.”
“Yeah, not much.”
“Much,” she insisted. “And it was interesting.”
“Only a few minutes ago, you were telling me that you were frightened.”
“Look at the progress I’ve made.”
“It’s a marvel.”
“So… did you… Did you grow up in the wilderness?”
The question set his teeth on edge, and he was grateful that right at that moment, the trail spit them out at the river. He didn’t want to get into talking about his childhood. They had already talked about too much.
“Here we are. This is another tip. If you find yourself trapped in the woods, try to head toward the water if you can. Listen for it.”
“Oh. Well, I didn’t find the water. You knew where it was.”
“Yeah. Well, it’s my property.”
“Oh. The day that I came up here…”
“I bathe in the stream a lot. There’s a shower in the cabin, but it’s not that great. I prefer to be outside.”
What shocked him was how crimson her cheeks got. Him talking about his redneck bath shouldn’t get her cheeks red. But the problem was, there was something between the two of them, and it wasn’t entirely one-sided. It would be better if it were.
It would be better if it didn’t exist at all.
He cleared his throat. “That’s about enough for the day.”
“Oh. Really?”
“Yep. You’ve got your kit. You’re off tomorrow, right?”
“Well, not officially, like I said, because I already took those other days…”
“You should be off tomorrow.”
“All right. I guess I’m off tomorrow.”
“Then we’ll reconvene.”
“All right,” she said.
“You want to lead the way back out of here?”
“Do I want to… lead the way?”
“Yeah. Come on. It’s a very simple trail. We just made our way down.”
“Yeah. I… You’re right. It’s simple. I’m just in my own head a little bit.”
“In a survival situation, you can’t be in your own head. You’ve got to be able to think clearly.”
“Thank you. I didn’t realize that you taught Obviously 101.”
“I do. And I’m here all week.”
She looked at him and gave him the most comically angry frown he’d ever seen in his life. Then, she began to blaze the trail back toward the cabin.
So there, he had done something right. He had brought her to this point. That was something he could feel good about. It was something he ought to feel good about.
He would get this itch scratched. This worry about her keeping herself safe in Mustang River, and then he could let it go. He could gladly set her free like a catch-and-release trout.
She turned and smiled at him, and his stomach went tight.
Yeah. Catching and releasing. He wasn’t even really going to catch. This was all he had to offer her. A little bit of wilderness training.
Considering where they lived, that wasn’t nothing.
But it wasn’t enough. Which meant he could never do anything about the fire burning in his veins.
And he wouldn’t.
He had enough destruction in his life to last several lifetimes. One thing he wasn’t going to do was spread that over to anybody else.
Not if he could help it.
And he could.
He could.
He would do well to remember that.