Winners Sashay
“What the hell happened?”
I had dropped Sammy off at Valhalla so he could return a phone call from an employee.
Wanting to get out of sight in case Gladys spotted me, I returned to the garage where our float waited for its debut.
Or at least, I thought this was our float.
We were in the same industrial garage with the same smell of burnt oil and rubber tires.
This was not the same float we had put together.
“There was no stopping them,” Charlie said.
Nick flanked my other side. “I tried. They made threats.”
Our lackluster attempt at gay Pride had transformed into a stereotype on eighteen wheels.
The flatbed of the truck had been covered in enough lights that they’d be seen in the daylight.
A rainbow made of multicolored balloons ran down each side.
Near the cab, she had made a makeshift DJ booth.
Even the front of the truck had been given a golden unicorn horn.
I could have been making out with Sammy, and it wouldn’t be nearly as gay.
“Do we argue?” I asked.
Nick laughed. “Have you met Lacie? You’ve already lost the argument.”
“I hope you brought your chaps,” cried a voice from the flatbed. “Gloria is going to want to see the goods.”
We walked along the side of the truck, looking for the energetic voice. My fingers moved through the streamers dangling off the side. When the truck moved, it would be a spectacle. This was already far beyond anything the guys had imagined.
Nick let out a low whistle. “I hate to admit it—”
“Don’t say it,” Charlie cut in. “We’ll never hear the end of it.”
“We have two days,” Lacie shouted. “Two days!”
The first time I met Lacie was while I stayed at Valhalla.
Without an ounce of fear, she walked up to a towering drag queen and asked if I believed in spirits.
Not waiting for an answer, she begged me to help her expel a curse from Nick.
I had flawless makeup on and no place to be, so I humored her.
Mabel had wanted to dazzle the other realm.
It was where I first met Nick and Charlie and their budding relationship.
“I need to know. Was there a curse?”
Charlie turned and shrugged. “Who knows?”
“Definitely a curse,” Lacie shouted. “The four of us undid the bindings of that wretched, horrible man. Good riddance.” I heard her feign a spit. “You know he’s in jail now? Public indecency.”
Charlie gave Nick an elbow. “You’ve got a thing for the bad boys, huh?”
“I already have your bail money ready.”
“Stop dawdling. I need help with the hay bales.”
My phone vibrated, and my hand shot into my pocket. It could have been anybody, but there was only one person I wanted cluttering my notifications.
Sammy: You won’t believe it.
Sammy: Valhalla is filled with drag queens.
Common sense set in. If the Glitterati were in town, they’d fill every free bed in Valhalla.
Whenever we arrived, it turned into a screeching slumber party filled with half-dressed queens trying to be more fabulous than the next.
I hadn’t thought about Sammy being caught up in the middle of the chaos.
Mike: You don’t say?
While I feared the bears might have let something slip, the queens had a much stricter code.
Omar would play coy and dodge questions about me.
Even Ryan would pretend as if he had never heard my name.
We treated our lives out of drag like secret identities.
I caught myself. No, Mabel was the alter ego, not the other way around.
Sammy: They’re a wild group of guys.
I ignored his misgendering. I’d correct him later tonight, but I wouldn’t hold the slip against him. For somebody still standing on the precipice of their sexuality, it was a lot to handle.
Sammy: I’ve never been called darling this much.
Sammy: My butt is going to hurt from being pinched.
I snorted. Definitely Ryan.
Mike: Are you going to ask the ladies for a glow-up?
Sammy: Glow-up?
“Child, you’re exhausting,” I mumbled. Mabel might be locked away, but she reached from beyond the closet door. “Let’s see how brave you are.” I didn’t want to give away my secret, but I couldn’t let him go without receiving the royal treatment from the girls.
Mike: Find Trixie. Ask her for the divine special.
Sammy: What’s that?
Sammy: Wait, you know them?
Mike: Everybody knows the Glitterati Guild.
Plausible. Trixie would have him in a chair. Beard oil, light eyeliner, and a glow seen at twenty paces. The Glitterati would treat him like one of the girls. If he thought the people of Firefly were intense, he had never met a group of queens determined to make the world a little more fabulous.
Sammy: They’re too much for me.
My heart sank as I imagined slamming a heel against the proverbial closet door. I eyed my phone as if I could pick apart each word and understand the underlying meaning. Did he mean he wasn’t worthy? Were they over-the-top? Or did he slam down a barrier with him on one side and them on the other?
I reminded myself that Sammy was a practical, well-meaning person.
How he meant it and how I received it were two very different things.
He didn’t have a mean bone in his body. I tried to logic away my insecurities, but they refused to let go.
As fast as I could take a breath, another doomsday scenario entered my mind.
Mike: lol
Did I just laugh out loud… while I spiraled? It was middle school all over again. I was pretending my painted nails made me a goth kid just so I’d have a place to eat my lunch. It didn’t sit right with me. In one short message, I betrayed myself.
“You alright?”
Charlie. The sight of him lying on the flatbed, head hanging over the side, served as a lifeline. I didn’t know what to say without hurling a newsstand’s worth of issues at him.
There was no point in lying. “I don’t know.”
He reached out, pulling me close in an awkward hug. “Need some space?”
I nodded. It felt like the right answer, but being alone hadn’t netted me any results thus far. I had replaced the need for space with a handsome man. Instead of dealing with the underlying issue, I found myself caught up in the unknown with Sammy. I traded moping for escapism.
“We’ve got you covered here.”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
I slid my phone into my pocket and headed out of the garage. What were the chances I’d have my problems figured out by date night? It might be time to take a step back and focus on myself.
“Where are you going?” Lacie shouted.
“Run, Mike,” Nick said. “Be free!”
Free. Right now, I felt anything but free.
Lacie: You know what tonight is?
Nick: You ask this every week.
Lacie: I’m going to need you to stop killing my vibe.
Jon: It’s BINGO night!
Lacie: See. Jon got the memo.
Chris: Did I just see Harvey in drag?
Patrick: I’m getting in the car now.
Jason: Getting my bingo gear.
Lacie: That’s the spirit!
Honey Holler licked her lips as if Abraham were the last man on the planet. Nothing new there. When he licked his lips back and shot her a wink, I could swear we had fallen into an alternate universe. She blushed and continued working the crowd.
The American Legion Hall had been overrun by the Glitterati Guild.
With Pride around the corner, I shouldn’t be surprised.
The tables were covered in glitter, and queens worked the room, giving a little sass to every resident.
Former military and drag queens, I’d never thought they’d go together, but the hall had never been this lively.
“B19,” Sammy barked, pointing to my sheet. “You’re not keeping up.”
To my right, he and Lacie smashed their markers onto eight sheets each. They moved with lightning speed. When I didn’t get through my three, Sammy reached over and left purple dots.
“Keep your head in the game!” Lacie needed to switch to decaf. “Every person for themselves!”
Bingo night. Normally, Firefly embodied small-town stereotypes. They were loving and welcoming, and would put a pot of coffee on for anybody who knocked at their door. Once a week, that changed. The hospitality and goodwill vanished at the door as the sharks came searching for blood.
“O62,” Harvey said.
“Let me see your O faces,” Lace Divine added.
Horror, sheer and complete horror. Those who didn’t understand the command all made o-shaped expressions. The bears and queens understood the assignment. The American Legion, Bernard Jones Post #92, filled with moaning. My face turned red until I turned and saw Sammy and Lacie mid-fake orgasm.
“Dear Lord, save us all,” I whispered.
From behind the wedding veil, Lace blew me a kiss. Omar promised me that if Mabel didn’t show up, he’d see just how far he could push Firefly’s boundaries. On the brink of Pride, he tested the limits, and Firefly played along.
“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Lacie asked. When I didn’t respond, she reached over, pressing her marker against my cheek. “Pink. It suits you.”
Sammy hadn’t stopped laughing since we arrived.
The Glitterati had taken over Bingo, turning it into a pre-Pride event.
When Lace Divine threw open the front door, she stormed up to Harvey with an entourage of twelve queens in tow.
If Harvey resisted, I’m certain there would have been a dance-off.
Hips would be broken, oxygen masks would be needed. It’d be chaos.
With a simple, “May I join you?” he blushed and eagerly nodded.
She took her place at his side, dragging the train of her wedding dress behind the booth.
I kept looking at Walter to see if he’d be jealous of this newfound partnership.
Instead, he hooted and hollered back at them as if it were an interactive show.
“G51,” he called.
“Gee, ladies.” Through the veil, I could see the ruby red lips curl in a smile. “You go ahead and push down on that G-spot. Give it a little extra attention.”
“Can Drag Bingo be every night?” Lacie asked.
Sammy bumped into me, quickly flicking his marker onto two of my sheets. He snickered. “Seems I found it again,” he whispered.
It wouldn’t be an evening with Sammy unless I blushed. Sammy had found it, massaged it, and shown me that even a first-timer could make me moan. I adjusted myself in my chair.
“Wait,” he said. “You have—yup, you do—BINGO!”
I had spent the night near the back of the Legion, away from the window into the kitchen. Inside, Gladys ran back and forth as she served hot dogs and hamburgers to the players. I had dodged her this long, and now, as Sammy pushed me from my chair, I had to walk right past her.
“Go,” Lacie said. “I’ll be sitting here wondering why my lucky troll dolls have turned on me.” She flicked a finger, knocking one of the naked trolls across the card table. “Traitors.”
I took my winning sheet and did the walk of pride down the center aisle. I passed the most competitive player in all of Firefly—Gloria. She faked a smile before her eyes narrowed. I had gotten halfway to the MC’s booth when Lace stood, hand signaling for me to halt.
“Winners—” she lifted her veil, “—sashay.”
Omar, I’d strangle you with your pearl necklace. Harvey started a round of “Do it. Do it.” The crowd joined in. There wasn’t a door thick enough to keep Mabel locked away. Standing on a runway, the crowd chanting, she demanded attention. In the spirit of Pride, I let the door crack open.
Hips swayed from side to side. One sneaker directly in front of the other, as if walking a tightrope. I turned and blew Gloria a kiss. Her scowl almost softened. Almost. I reached Harvey and gave him a wink.
“There she is,” he whispered.
“Oh, look at this.” Lace snatched my card. With a quick glance, she stood. She gave a slight curtsey in my direction. “Kings, queens, and everybody in between, we have a winner!”
Instead of cheering, the crowd booed as everybody crumpled their used bingo cards. For now, they each cursed me. They’d go back to playing and direct their faux anger to whoever won next.
Lace reached behind the table and stood up with a rainbow-colored gift basket.
I’m sure it contained baked goods, local jams, and a gift card to the bistro.
As I took it, I couldn’t help but note the bottle of wine inside.
It seemed the liquor store had gone all out for this week’s game.
I’d have to stop by the shop and say thanks.
I had promised to focus on myself. Yet, as I walked back to the table, I imagined two full glasses as Sammy and I sat by the campfire. I had already come up with a cheesy line to invite him over when I bumped into a pole.
No, not a pole. A Gladys.
“Has nobody been giving you my messages?”
With arms crossed over her chest, she knew I had been avoiding her. There was no way the entire town had ignored her texts. Every time I set foot in public, I expected her to pop out from behind a rose bush. In my dreams, she chased me with the tiara in hand.
“Your duties are simple enough. You’ll have your own car and then after the parade—”
“I’m not doing it,” I said in a low whisper. “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t.”
Gladys might as well have been slapped. I’m sure she went through her mental ledger, recounting all the times somebody had told her no. She could count it on one hand with fingers to spare, I’m sure of it.
“But we—”
“You should do it,” I blurted out. “You’re the reason the town is going to have a spectacular Pride. If anybody deserves it, it’s you.”
If she had been a drag queen, appealing to her vanity would have worked. There’d be a little fawning, and then she’d accept as if she hadn’t been daydreaming about it all along. Gladys didn’t seem convinced. Her lips thinned, and at any moment she’d use that infamous guilt to sway my decision.
“I’m sorry.” I cut to the chase and stepped around her. I kept moving, hoping she wouldn’t follow. With another ten feet, I could be out the door and bolting to my car. I needed to stop running. No, tonight I’d stay and support the Glitterati as they consumed Firefly with their outlandishness.
“What did Gladys want?” Sammy asked.
I took my seat next to him, hesitant to look up and see the disappointment on her face. “She wanted to tell me she had made the homemade jam.”
“I’ll be coming by for jam and toast.” He said it with such ease that I couldn’t help but muster a smile.
“Come on, good luck.” Lacie picked up the remaining troll dolls. Each belly received a full rub clockwise and another counterclockwise. If they had any remaining luck, she’d coax it out of them.
“I’ve got one more round in me, then I need to head back to catch up on emails.”
I nodded. “One more.”
“Weak,” Lacie said. “We play until we win.”
I set the basket in front of me, eyeing the wine. Over it, I watched Gladys return to the kitchen. The dread of bumping into her would finally go away. As I pulled out my last three bingo sheets, I tried to be proud that I drew a line in the sand. Nothing about the exchange sat well with me.
I had stopped running and started lying instead.