Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
CAMILA
Camila has never been impatient, but right now she feels as if she could crawl out of her skin. Her palms are slick, and there’s a restless energy buzzing beneath her skin.
Of course, right as Valeria is telling her she might want to try dating, and that she wants to do that with her, of all people, their friends would burst in with all their wonderful, chaotic energy, ready to turn the forest into a club.
Music blasting, drinks flowing, and everyone but Camila dancing around the fire like they’re about to cast a spell.
Me? Valeria wants to date me? Camila can’t stop thinking about that. It feels so foreign, as if she made it up, even though Valeria told her exactly that.
Camila was sure it would be someone from Valeria’s clinic, or someone she hadn’t heard of before, and she was going to do her damnedest to be excited for Valeria. The second she said it was her, she almost fainted—out of happiness, of course—and the sheer relief that she isn’t alone in her crush.
But the longer the night stretches on, the more Camila questions it all.
Is Valeria saying she wants to date her because she likes her, or because she finds safety in Camila and wants to dip a toe into dating with the comfort of a friend next to her?
Camila hates the thought. She shakes her head, trying to dislodge it.
She and Valeria will pick up the conversation when everyone goes to bed.
Valeria said as much as the girls swept her away for shots.
Camila needs to be patient, but the girls are really testing her right now.
Nine turns into ten, and instead of winding down, the girls seem livelier than ever.
Not a single one is showing signs of slipping into their tent anytime soon, so Camila does her best to stay calm, keeping her mind occupied with reading, scrolling through her phone, and drinking a little more than she usually would, trying to ease the tension in her body.
Finally, around 12:30 a.m., Valeria announces she’s going to bed and walks right up to Camila and extends her hand toward her.
“Ready?” she asks, exhaling like she’s bracing herself.
Camila looks down at her hand before taking it. She nods as she stands, heart pounding.
A round of slurred goodnights rings behind them as they walk toward their tent. Camila’s heartbeat grows stronger and louder until it’s all she can hear.
When they slip inside, Camila and Valeria sit on their cots, both facing away, neither ready to turn and continue the conversation that’s been hanging over them for the past few hours.
Camila hears movement behind her, and with one last steadying breath, she turns fully toward Valeria, knees brushing hers.
The only light in the tent is from Camila’s lantern, which honestly isn’t much, but it’s enough that she can see the worry written all over Valeria’s face.
Immediately, Camila thinks maybe she’s going to take it all back, say that she wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t mean any of it.
Which, yeah, would suck, but she wants Valeria to be happy and to never see this look on her face again. Especially not if it’s because of her.
She reaches over to Valeria, taking her hand the way she has so many other times, and Valeria sighs, visibly relaxing.
“Talk to me,” Camila says, closing her eyes and taking a calming breath. “If you want to take it all back, I can handle it.”
“What? No, I don’t want to.” Valeria’s shoulders tense up again. “Do you want me to take it back?”
Camila shakes her head so fast the world blurs into a dizzying dance of colors. “No, not at all, you just seem so stressed. I thought . . . I’m trying to give you a way out.”
“I don’t need it. I’m just in my head. I have been since the girls got back.
I didn’t get to hear your thoughts. Then the girls made it almost impossible for me to step away.
When they finally eased up, I got nervous about what you would say.
I kept putting it off until I steadied myself.
” She rubs her forehead with her fingertips.
“I’m sorry, that’s not what you asked. I’m rambling. ”
“You’re worried I wouldn’t want to date you?” Camila’s voice trembles with disbelief, and she almost wants to laugh. Not at Valeria, but at the idea itself because it’s so far from what she actually wants.
Valeria nods. “Yeah, I don’t know; I’m worried you’re going to say that it’s too soon for me to consider it, that I haven’t properly mourned and healed from my relationship with Brooke and need to take more time.”
An ache settles beneath Camila’s ribs. Not because she actually thinks that, but because she can see some of the damage Brooke’s done. Valeria has been told how to feel, corrected, and reshaped for so long, she doesn’t trust herself and, in turn, doesn’t expect Camila or anyone else to, either.
“Is that how you feel?” Camila asks, cocking her head to the side, wanting to give Valeria agency over her feelings.
“No,” Valeria answers.
“Then why would I? I trust you understand your feelings better than I do, and if you feel ready, who am I to try and convince you otherwise?”
Valeria squeezes Camila’s hand before lifting it and pressing Camila’s knuckles gently against her cheek.
“Thank you,” she whispers. “I’m so used to being told how to feel .
. . that I start expecting everyone to do the same.
” Her thumb brushes over Camila’s fingers.
“I should have known you wouldn’t. I’m sorry.
” Her breath hitches, a slight tremor running through her body.
Camila doesn’t pull her hand away. She lets Valeria hold it there, against her.
“I would never,” Camila confirms before biting her lip.
“So it doesn’t bother you that I haven’t been single for long? You don’t think I’m moving on too fast?”
Camila shakes her head. “No.”
Maybe it’s naive, but Camila isn’t worried.
She’s never believed that people need to be single for some prescribed length of time before they’re “allowed” to try again or that they have to be perfectly healed before they deserve something new.
Life doesn’t work that way. Healing isn’t a finish line you cross, and suddenly you’re worthy.
Healing is messy, ongoing, and deeply human.
As long as Valeria isn’t inflicting that same pain on her, Camila wants to try, which brings her to the one thing that does concern her in all of this.
“My only worry is that I don’t know in what capacity you want this in. Are you testing the waters, wanting to try it with me because you think I’m safe? Or because you genuinely think there’s something between us you want to explore?”
“You do feel safe,” Valeria says, and Camila’s stomach bottoms out.
“But that’s not why I want this. I want this because when you smile at me, there’s a flutter in my stomach that I haven’t felt in years, and sometimes, when you look at me, I blush, for no other reason than your attention on me makes me nervous.
When you hold my hand, like you are right now”—Valeria squeezes Camila’s hand a little tighter—“I feel calm and safe, and I crave more of it. All the little pieces I learn about you each day make me want to learn more, learn it all until I know you as well as I know myself.”
If Camila were standing, she’s pretty sure her legs would give out.
Everything feels loose and shaky, as if her body has forgotten how to hold itself together.
A smile keeps pulling at her mouth, and she lets it happen.
She’s not used to this. No one has ever looked at her or spoken to her like this.
Her heart pounds so hard she’s sure Valeria must see the way it presses against her chest.
“Wow, so you really like me,” Camila jokes, because she doesn’t know what to do with all the emotions threatening to explode out of her.
Valeria’s laughter is warm. “Just a little,” she says, winking, but her eyes stay soft.
Camila straightens out. “I want this,” she says, meeting Valeria’s eyes.
“Yeah?” Valeria asks, a little nervous laugh in it.
“Yeah,” Camila repeats, a little breathless.
Valeria’s shoulders relax. “We would have to go slow.”
“We can go at whatever pace you need,” Camila assures her. She can handle the slow pace, letting Valeria lead, accepting the hesitations, the awkward unlearning of wounds. Camila wants to build something gentle with her.
“And if you ever change your mind, you need to tell me.”
“I like you,” Camila says. Saying it out loud sends a warm rush through her chest, loosening something that had been tight for weeks.
Relief floods in so suddenly she almost laughs.
“I like you in a slow way. In a careful way,” she adds, her voice softer now as her thumb traces a gentle line over Valeria’s knuckles.
“I promise I’ll always let you know where I stand.
I won’t make you guess.” She brings Valeria’s hand to her lips, pressing a lingering kiss to her knuckles, softer than before.
“Just promise me the same,” Camila murmurs.
“Of course,” Valeria replies, her fingers tightening gently around Camila’s.
A hushed “yes” rings out from outside their tent, followed by the sound of someone shushing someone else.
Valeria freezes. Then she lets out a slow breath. “You have got to be joking,” she whispers. She carefully leans to the side, pressing her palm flat against the canvas before giving it a quick shake.
Four muffled screams burst out in a jumble, followed by frantic shuffling, someone tripping over something, followed by laughter spilling everywhere.
“You are all unbelievable,” Valeria says, with a bright smile on her face. “Can’t a girl get, like, five minutes of privacy?”
Another round of laughter answers her from outside the tent. “We have no idea what you’re talking about,” Clara says as they all snicker and walk away.
Valeria shakes her head. “I’m sorry about them,” she laughs.
“I think they’re wonderful, honestly.”