Chapter Seventeen
Present - Ryder
“IT’S A BIT much, don’t you think?”
“What?”
“The seventeen deadbolts, all with a different key.”
I shrug. “If anyone manages to pick the first one, I’ll have enough time to be ready for them if they make it through the last.”
Evie rolls her eyes. “Who would be trying to get in?”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit of an asshole. All it takes is pissing off the wrong person.” There. A little bit of honesty.
As I get through the last lock and slide open the door to my loft, she steps inside. It feels poetic, beyond her physically entering the threshold to my place. I’ve never thought to call it a home until maybe right now, despite its unimpressive state.
Evie looks around, taking in the bare minimum that I live with, not an ounce of judgment or disdain crossing her features. Instead, she smiles as if she’s more at ease than she’s been in a while. “It’s just how I imagined it’d be.”
Her heels click against my shoddy, wooden floor, and despite her contentment, it feels all wrong. Evie deserves to be walking across floors made of fine marble or gold, but here she is in a rundown loft because she’d rather be with me. “I’d offer you something to drink, but there’s only whiskey.”
“Good thing we have smartphones.” Evie pulls out her phone, opening it to Uber Eats, before passing it over to me. “Pick something quick. I’m starving and I’ll need my strength to analyze every inch of this place.”
No surprise there. “Well, at two in the morning in this area, we’ve got McDonald’s, McDonald’s, or McDonald’s.”
Evie giggles. “In that case, I’ll take a double cheeseburger meal, no ketchup and no onions.”
“Drink?”
“Fruit punch.”
“Of course.” I smirk, adding my Big Mac meal to the cart, and entering my address.
Evie kicks off her heels, toes painted a cotton candy pink, and I plead to every force out there that she doesn’t get a splinter. She makes to slump down on my saggy couch, but pauses, her ass remaining suspended mid air. “Have you had sex on this couch?’
I cough. “No.”
“Are you lying?”
“No.” Because I’m not.
She finally plops down. “What about on the bed?”
“Also no.” I must have forgotten the carefree Evie at the club.
She glares at me. “You mean to tell me, I’m supposed to believe you’ve been a celibate little nun, covered in all those tattoos?”
“I didn’t say I’ve been celibate.” I roll my eyes, before sitting down next to her. It’s a fifty-fifty chance this couch holds both our weights, but so far, we’re in the clear. “You asked if I’d had sex on the bed or the couch and I haven’t.”
“Are they new, then?”
I snort. “Do they look new to you?”
“Well, no–”
“Eves. You’re the only woman—only person —to step through that threshold other than myself.”
Evie settles back. “So where do you go to do it, then?”
“I don’t go anywh– do you really want to have this conversation right now?”
“Yep. I really do.”
My hand runs over my jaw as I gather the strength. “Nowhere in particular. I don’t have a specific place, and most of the time I couldn’t be bothered to go all the way to theirs, so it’d go down wherever it started.”
“Okay, but like–”
“Eves. That’s all you’re getting.”
“But–”
“I don’t want to talk about insignificant people and things I’ve never cared to remember much detail about, because all of it—and I mean every bit that didn’t involve you—meant nothing, okay?” I can see her wheels turning and turning, the questions building up behind her eyes, one after another. In all of five seconds, they multiply so quickly that I fear if any more go unanswered, her brain might explode. I blow out a breath. “Okay. Ask me anything.”
Not even a second of hesitation. “So you’d just bang, right there?”
I grimace. “First of all, never say that word again, but yeah, pretty much.”
“But logistically–”
“Okay, ask me anything, except logistics.”
“How many people have you been with?”
That scratchy feeling climbs up my throat. “Are you making it your mission to make this as uncomfortable as possible?”
“You said nothing logistical; this is numerical.”
“Fuck’s sake, Evie, I don’t have a number. But there’s been several.”
“Several like seven… or seventeen?”
“Several like it’s been occasional rather than often, but I don’t have a number.”
“I wouldn’t care if it happened often.” She squeezes out, lifting her shoulder in the most pathetic shrug I’ve ever seen.
I smirk at how much she doesn’t mean that and how much it reveals, the jealousy I know is bubbling up in her stomach. “That would be very… reasonable of you.” And completely out of character, but I leave that part out.
“Okay, I’d hate it.”
I snort. And then curiosity starts to bubble under my skin, but I fight it. Hearing her answer could send me on a murdering spree, despite its foundation being completely illogical. Evie had every right to explore…she never thought she’d see me again. But I’m completely unreasonable when it comes to her, and the thought of anyone else’s hands on her makes me see red.
For the safety of everyone, I shouldn’t ask. But I can’t help myself. “And you? Occasional or often?”
Nervous laugh. “More toward the former.”
I’d leave it at that, but she’s getting awkward and splotchy. She’s lying to me. “You’ve never been a good liar, Evie.”
“HA! I’m not lying!!!” Completely and unnecessarily defensive, not to mention the manic laughter that accompanies her reply.
“You’re terrible at it, so just tell me the truth.” I sigh, trying to put my rising anger (not at her) back into its drawer. “You don’t have to be ashamed by having a high number.”
“That’s– no! I’m not.”
She is. “It’s completely normal these days to...explore… a lot .”
“Wait, wha–”
“Even if it was fifty, I wouldn’t think differently of you.”
She’s shaking her head, mortified. “Ah, God, Ryder you’re not even close.”
“I meant…” Cough. “Even if it was a hundred…”
“Please. Please stop talking.”
“Two hundred?” All pretense of chill is completely abandoned, the shadowed man encased in mystery nowhere to be found. “Or three hundred? I’d be fine with three hundred. Three hundred is great!”
She covers her face. “RYDER, STOP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP.”
“You’re the one who brought this up!! And I’m not shaming you…I just…” Fuck, I just have to know what I’m competing with. How I’d make her feel things she’s never felt. Not that that’s even happening, or ever going to happen, but if it did–
“You’re not even close, because it’s zero, okay?” Evie wraps her arms around herself, and looks toward the window.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
There’s a loud knock on the door and Evie screeches, grabbing at her chest. “Someone’s getting a fifty-dollar tip!” She runs over to the door, sliding it open. “Honestly, your timing is impeccable, truly. Utterly impressive.”
The delivery driver just stares at her, looking as dazed as I feel. She grabs the bag of food and thanks him again for saving her before walking over to the couch and slowly taking her seat next to me. “Shall we move on to other topics?”
“Yeah,” I agree, despite being completely clueless on how to acknowledge her admission so she doesn’t feel embarrassed, and without coming across like a drooling basset hound.
Evie rips open the bag and passes me the Coke, Big Mac, and large fries. My stomach growls in response, hungrier than I thought. She dives back in for her burger, but groans the moment she gets it unwrapped. “They always do this.”
“What’s wrong?”
“They forgot to take off the ketchup and onions.”
“I ordered it without any, I promise.”
“I believe you. Trust me, I’m used to it.” Evie sighs, before sticking out her tongue. “I’ll still be able to taste it, even if I wipe it off.”
Opening my burger I’m relieved to find that they followed at least some of my instructions. “Here. Have mine.”
“Thank you, but either way I’ll have to wipe off the sauce.”
“I ordered mine without sauce and onions, just in case.” A hint of vulnerability enters my voice, and I pray she doesn’t notice. As her eyes lift to mine, softer than before, I realize that hope was futile.
Evie reaches for the Big Mac, lifting the bun to inspect, and finds no sauce. She stares at it far too long. Long enough that I start to worry there’s something else wrong with it, but she’s too kind to say so. “Evie, is there something–”
“Why don’t you let anyone else see this side of you?” Her hazel eyes have morphed into something else entirely, an anomaly. It can’t be classified.
The man she’s gazing at is different from the one I see in the mirror. The passion and acceptance in her eyes almost convincing me that my hands are clean, that my soul is intact, and I deserve every emotion forming between the greens and golds.
“I told you a long time ago, Eves, I only have a heart for you.”
A silent tension falls over us as she drops her eyes and takes a bite out of the burger. Watching someone eat wouldn’t be at the top of anyone’s erotic list, but it settles some primal urge that formed within me as a child, making sure she was cared for, fed, and happy.
And with the recent little detail I’ve learned about her…I watch on, completely entranced as she nearly finishes the entire meal, no longer hungry for anything but her. I feel like chucking this burger across the room, carrying her into my shower and never letting her leave, but it’d be a dishonor to the both of us to rush.
Evie clears her throat, cutting through the tension like a knife. “By the way, your friends are…the best. In every way.” It’s awkward and clumsy, but it’s her way of changing the subject. Again.
“I think they prefer you over me now. So be prepared for all that entails.”
Evie smiles before wiping her hands with one of the napkins. “They really care about you, you know.”
“Despite my best efforts.” Tossing my uneaten burger back into the bag, I do my best to keep the tension out of my voice. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything about it.
“I didn’t finish looking around earlier.” Evie stands, finally ready to continue her perusal. She walks back to the front door and starts her search anew. It won’t take her long, with how little there is to see, but I watch her every move. “Why do you feel like an outsider when you’re with your friends?”
“It’s not because they make me feel that way. In fact, I think they’ve tried just about every angle to get me as close to them as possible, but I keep everyone at arm’s length.” I shrug. “I honestly don’t know why they trouble themselves.”
“I do.” Evie’s voice drops an octave as she steps around my bed. “So, why do you? Keep them at arm’s length?”
“I don’t know.” But I do, and Evie recognizes my answer for the cop out that it is. I will tell her, just not tonight. Tonight is ours. So I offer her something else instead, as she makes her way to the kitchenette. “Connor asked me to be his lead singer today.”
Evie smiles before flicking the light on and taking a peek into my bathroom. “You told me.”
“No, I mean permanently, not just stepping in.”
Evie flicks off the light, whipping her head back in my direction. “Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
She notes my reservation and leans against the wall. “This is a huge opportunity, why aren’t you jumping for it?”
“I don’t know.” Again, I do, and it’s the same reason I won’t let anyone in, but I don’t want to talk about that while she’s here, with me, leaning up against my wall.
“Ryder. We never had a choice about what we lost as kids, but we’re adults now. You shouldn’t fight the future.” Her words strike a chord deep in my chest and I stand. “And maybe…maybe we shouldn’t fight this.”
She’s right.
Tonight, I want to be selfish, ride the high that’s left over from the club, chase down the feelings she’s woken up inside of me, see if I can turn her hunger ravenous.
“This is your life now, Ryder. You are in charge. Fight for it. Care for it. And let yourself have it.”
Stefan owns me on the weekends, but what about the other days of the week? Those could belong to Evie. If she wants them. And judging by the way her hands are fisted at her sides, breaths haggard and pulse slamming, she does.
“You can have friends. You can have the band.” Evie takes a deep breath, eyes meeting mine with an intensity I’ve never known. “You can have me .”
The rubber band snaps, and I take three steady steps, determined to finally have what’s always been meant for me. Evie meets me with her own. I marvel at how impossible this seemed just a few weeks ago.
Needing to know she wants this as badly as I do, I halt, leaving the last bit of distance between us for her to decide where this goes. She steps forward, and a loud creak strikes through the moment like a bolt of lightning.
My stomach drops, nausea and fear washing away the heat as Evie looks down, leaning her weight into the floor as it creaks again. Her eyes flick up to mine, curiosity and determination coursing through them.
My heart thunders faster, not from desire, but because she asked to know me.
And now she’s going to.
Evie pulls up the floorboard, finding the largest of my caches, and her face falls ever so slightly. A ton of hidden, untraced cash is not what she was expecting then. “What is all of this?”
“Money.”
“I know what money looks like, Ryder, it’s been stuffed down my throat for the last ten years. I want to know where you got this. And why .”
“I can’t…” I could tell her it’s from tips and mowing lawns as a child, but I can’t stomach the thought of lying to her. “I can’t tell you.”
Hurt flashes across her face. “Why not?”
“It’s for your own safety.”
“That’s bullshit.” Evie scoffs. “Why would knowing about a bunch of money in your floor put me at risk?”
I shake my head, but keep my mouth shut like a coward. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.
“Is it me that’s at risk, or you ?”
“It’s you , Evie. I don’t care about me. I never have.”
“You’re not just afraid that if you tell me about whatever the fuck this is, I’ll turn my back on you?”
“I–” But I can’t get the words out. That depthless pit inside me yawns open, ready to devour everything warm and light. Evie can’t be taken with it. She waits several minutes, giving me the chance to explain but eventually sighs.
“Well. Then, I guess there’s nothing else to say.” Evie pushes past me and grabs her shoes from the floor, not even stopping to put them on before she walks to the door. As her fingers wrap around the handle, she pauses. Sick anticipation flows through me, readying myself for the final blow she’s about to deliver.
But Evie turns and walks back to where my feet are glued to the floor. She stares into my eyes, shaking her head the moment she notices that they’ve gone cold. Whatever she’s about to say, she wanted to deliver it point blank, watch from up close as it breaks me. There will be no putting me back together after this moment, because she’s the only one who could. It’s what I deserve and what I was too weak to do from the beginning.
I stiffen as she wraps her arms around me instead, pulling me into a hug. “Goodnight, Ryder.”
With that, she walks out of my loft, taking all the color with her. My world descends into shades of black and the darkest of grays.
“Goodnight, Eves,” I whisper to the ghost of her.
Even Thursdays don’t belong to me.