Chapter 24
Noah
Ipull my bike into Zac’s driveway and kill the engine, my heart racing. Before I can chicken out and leave, the front light flickers on, and I look over to see him standing in the doorway.
I’ve never done the ‘meet the parents’ thing. I mean, I met Nathan’s parents, but they didn’t know he was gay, or that we were dating. Zac’s different. His parents know he’s bisexual, and they don’t seem to have a problem with it.
With a heavy sigh, I remove my helmet and run a hand through my hair. No turning back now.
He walks over to meet me as I climb off my bike.
“Hey. I hope you’re hungry. There’s enough food to feed an army.”
When he didn’t text me back straight away after I admitted how I felt about him, I’d been hit with a mini panic attack, and just before he called, I was moments away from locking myself in the bathroom and relieving my anxiety with a razor blade.
Seeing him now, the tension in my body leeches out of me.
He elicits a sense of calm within me, and I crave it.
I cast a glance around the deserted street before gripping the back of his neck and pulling him in for a quick kiss that leaves me wanting more.
With a chuckle that warms me to the depths of my soul, he murmurs against my lips, “Behave.”
The teasing lilt to his voice and the dirtiness behind the word is like a bolt of desire straight to my cock, and I groan, reaching down to adjust myself, ignoring the playful gleam in his eyes.
“We’re supposed to be keeping this on the down-low,” he chides. “If you can’t keep your hands off me, we’re in trouble.”
He’s right. I should be pulling away, but instead, I find myself saying, “What does your family know about me? Who do they think I am to you?”
“You’re my teammate.” His brow furrows. “I’m not forcing you to come out. We take this at your pace. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you by inviting you here. My family won’t jump to conclusions over us hanging out.”
I consider his words. We have to hide whatever this is from everyone, but I don’t want Zac lying to his parents because my dad is an arsehole.
“We don’t have to rush anything,” he says, reaching for my hand and squeezing it. “We don’t have to tell anyone anything. You call the shots here. I’ll follow your lead.”
“I don’t want you to lie to your family for me.”
He shakes his head. “It’s new. We don’t have to tell them yet.”
I release a shaky breath. He’s giving me an out, but I want to do this for him. If I can’t be honest with his family, then how the hell am I supposed to find the courage to tell mine?
When I don’t say anything, he squeezes my hand again. “I know you’re scared of your dad finding out, but they won’t say anything if I ask them not to.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Then we won’t. We’re teammates. It’s no different from Ritter coming over.”
That thought sits heavy in my gut. I don’t want to be just like Ritter. I want to be the guy he can tell his parents about. The one who means something more.
But it’s not easy to overcome the fear of my father finding out.
“Teammates,” I say, the word tasting sour on my tongue.
I pocket my keys before following him into the house.
My stomach immediately growls from the delicious smells wafting through the house, and Zac chuckles.
He leads me into the kitchen where his parents are working side-by-side to make dinner.
His sister’s sitting on the bench, swinging her legs, a teenage guy standing beside her.
This must be the boyfriend Zac was telling me about.
I wave to her, grinning when her face lights up.
“Mum, Dad,” Zac says. “This is Noah.” He waves in his sister’s direction. “You’ve already met Milly, and that’s her boyfriend, Jonathon.”
“How’s it going?” the teenager greets with a nod of his head.
Mrs Kincaid smiles warmly. “Hi, Noah.”
“Nice to meet you,” I say, clearing my throat.
“I hope you’re hungry,” Mr Kincaid says, humour in his tone. “Isabelle likes to cook for an army.”
“Starving, sir.”
“Please, call me Adam.”
“Okay, Adam. Thanks.” I turn to Amelia and sign, “How are you?”
She grins, talking as she signs back. “I’m good. You’ve learned more sign language. I’m impressed.”
Isabelle nudges Adam, and they both smile.
All my nerves fly out the window with how friendly and inviting Zac’s family is. It’s a stark contrast to my own. His house has a warmth about it that puts me at ease, like I don’t have to hide myself.
Adam signs to Amelia, speaking aloud for my benefit, and maybe her boyfriend’s. “Can you two please set the table? Dinner is almost ready.”
She jumps off the bench and moves to a cupboard to collect a stack of plates, which she hands to her boyfriend before grabbing cutlery and following him into the dining room.
“What can I do to help?” I ask.
Isabelle smiles at me again. “The cups are in that cupboard there,” she says nodding.
Once we’re all sitting around the table, Adam passes me the pot of beef stew, and I serve myself first.
“This looks great,” I say. “Thanks for having me.”
“You’re welcome anytime,” Isabelle offers.
Warmth spreads through me at her kindness.
Conversation flows freely, with Zac’s parents asking me about soccer and school. They never ask what I’m doing with their son. When they ask about my family, though, I shift in my seat. I knew the topic would come up, but I don’t know how to talk about it without making everything awkward.
“Dad’s in the oil business,” I say woodenly.
“And your mum?” Isabelle asks.
“Uh, she left when I was young. I don’t see her.”
“Oh my gosh,” she gasps, covering her mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
Food lodges in my throat, and I cough to clear it. “It’s fine. I’m used to it.” I reach for my glass of water.
Zac squeezes my thigh under the table and quickly changes the subject, asking Jonathon a question that I barely hear, too caught up in my own head.
I have grandad’s seventieth birthday next month, and I’d love nothing more than to take Zac with me and show him where I grew up, but I can’t, and the realisation settles like a stone in my gut. This will only ever be one sided. I can’t share my world with him the way he can share his with me.
Somehow, I make it through the rest of dinner with tight smiles and polite conversation, but I don’t relax again until Zac and I are alone in the kitchen, stacking the dishwasher and cleaning up.
I’m wiping the bench when he places his hand on mine, and I lift my gaze to meet his.
“You didn’t tell me about your mum,” he says softly.
I shrug. “It’s not really something I think about. I don’t even know her.”
A flicker of emotion crosses his face. “I’m sorry.”
“Your family is really nice,” I say, changing the subject.
His lips curl into a smile. “They like you. Especially Milly. When did you learn to sign?”
“After I brought you home when you were sick. She taught me the basics when we were waiting for Jasper to pick me up, but then I went home and fell down a rabbit hole of videos.”
He glances over his shoulder to check we’re alone, then leans in and brushes his lips over mine. “Thank you.”
Unable to help myself, I tighten my fingers in his hair and deepen the kiss. He moans into my mouth, and my pants tighten around my groin.
The sound of a voice clearing has me shoving him away, a little harder than intended, causing him to stumble before he catches himself. My cheeks heat as I stare down at the ground, avoiding Zac’s dad.
“Don’t mind me,” he says, amusement clear in his voice. “I was just going to make a cup of tea for myself and Isabelle. Would you like one?”
Zac groans, muttering, “Read the room, Dad.”
Adam chuckles. “I’m not that old, son. I still remember the days when I couldn’t keep my hands off your mother.”
“Ugh, seriously?”
“I should go,” I mumble, rubbing the back of my neck.
“I’m sorry,” Adam says, his brow furrowing. “Please don’t leave on my account. It’s just good to see Zac found someone he clearly likes.”
“It’s fine.” It’s not. My father’s words swirl around my head, telling me there’s something wrong with me. “I have an early lecture in the morning. Thanks for having me. It was really nice to meet you.”
“It was nice to meet you, too, Noah. You’re welcome here anytime.”
I force a tight smile. “Thanks.”
Without another look at Zac or his dad, I hurry out of the kitchen and down the hall.
Zac catches up to me as I reach the front door.
“You don’t have to go,” he says softly, his warm body cocooning me from behind. “Dad isn’t bothered by what he saw in there, and he won’t say anything if I ask him not to.”
I exhale a heavy sigh, resting my head against the wood. “It’s not easy to erase all the hateful shit my dad spewed at me when he found out about me and Nathan.”
“I know.”
But he doesn’t. He can’t.
“It’s all up here.” I tap my temples. “No matter what I do, he’s in my head. Whenever I’m happy, I hear his voice, and I’m shoved back into the darkness. I’m so sick of feeling like I have no control over my life.”
“Noah—”
“I want you, Zac. More than you know. But you have to be patient with me. I can’t just snap my fingers and silence everything.”
“You don’t have to rush for me,” he murmurs. “I’m not going anywhere.”
His words ease the knots in my stomach, but I can’t stay. Not tonight.
“I’m sorry.” I open the door, and he lets me leave, my chest tightening with every step away from him.
It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come here, knowing I would struggle to keep my hands—and lips—off Zac. I’ve wanted him for so long, and now that it’s become a reality, I don’t want to hold back. But I’m playing with fire. If Dad finds out, we’ll both be in trouble.
My mind is so consumed with him as I ride home, I’m surprised I don’t fall off my bike. When I enter the house, Jasper and Dane glance up in surprise from the game they’re watching in the living room.
Dane looks down at his watch. “You’re home early. We weren’t sure if you were staying at Hannah’s.”
“I’m not feeling well,” I mutter, heading for the stairs.
It’s a half-truth. All the lies are making me feel like shit.
I’m shaking when I enter the bathroom, flicking the lock. Stumbling to the vanity, I brace my hands on the porcelain and force myself to meet my gaze.
“Don’t let him win,” I tell my reflection, my fists clenching. “Don’t. Let. Him. Win.”
I hate what my father has turned me into.
I’m pathetic.
Weak.
Why can’t I stand up to him? Just tell him I want to be with Zac. That I won’t let him rule my life anymore.
But then I think of what he did to Nathan, and the guilt almost cripples me.
Why should I get to be happy after my father ruined Nathan’s career, his future?
The air in my lungs practically suffocates me, and I fumble in my pocket for my phone.
I pull it out, scrolling through my contacts until I find the one I’m looking for.
As expected, when I bring my phone to my ear, I get the same message I’ve listened to for the past year and a half.
The familiar voice telling me the number I’m calling is no longer in service.
Nathan changed his number before he’d even left Perth.
I don’t know where he is, or what he’s doing.
It’s like he ceases to exist anywhere except in my memory.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to no one and to everyone as I slide down the wall until I’m on my arse. Bringing my knees up, I rest my head on them. “I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry to my dad for not being the son he wanted.
I’m sorry to Nathan for ruining his life.
I’m sorry to Hannah for dragging her into this mess.
I’m sorry to Zac for not being able to be the man he deserves.
Tears streak down my cheeks as I suck in deep, shuddering gulps of air that are more choked gasps than breaths. The room spins.
Desperately needing to breathe, I drag myself to the vanity and rip open the cupboard. My fingers knock deodorant and hair products to the ground, and my panic rises as I search for the one thing I know will bring me some reprieve, but all I find is an empty package.
Shit.
I search again, items clattering to the bathroom tiles in my desperation. Not a razor in sight.
My gaze snaps to the shower, but there’s only body wash, shampoo, and conditioner on the shelf.
Goddammit.
I swipe angrily at the mess on the floor.
My skin tingles with the need to purge, and I scratch at my arms, but it doesn’t make a difference. I hate this feeling.
My phone vibrates against the tiles where I dropped it.
It takes me a moment to will my body to move, but I reach for it, still feeling like my lungs are going to burst.
Zac: You never have to apologise to me, Noah. I may not fully understand what you’ve been through, but I am here for you. You don’t have to go through it alone.
A guttural sound rips from my chest, but the tightening recedes. I draw in my first breath, then another. Deep, gasping breaths that fill my lungs. The tension coiling around my muscles releases, and I slump against the wall.
Noah: You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
His reply is almost instantaneous.
Zac: You set the pace. I’m with you every step of the way. I won’t rush you or force you to do anything you’re not ready for.
Noah: What if I can’t stand up to my dad? What if I’m forced to hide in the shadows forever?
Zac: Then I’ll be here. But when you’re ready, I’ll support you. Whatever it takes. I’m not scared.
Noah: I’m terrified.
I swallow before typing out my next message, all my insecurities rearing their ugly heads again.
Noah: I don’t deserve you.
Zac: Yeah, you do.
Three simple words, but the effect they have on me is immense. The need to purge dissipates, and a sense of hope engulfs me. Maybe we can make this work. Maybe with Zac I can finally be free.
Zac: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Noah: See you tomorrow.