Chapter Twenty-Four
Paul stood at the edge of the parking lot until Vanessa drove away.
When the pressure in his chest eased, and he was capable of moving again, he walked around the side of his truck.
He didn’t want anyone to see him in his current emotional state.
He wasn’t supposed to be out in public, anyway.
Climbing behind the wheel, he considered his next step.
The cabin held no appeal, but he couldn’t continue following Vanessa around.
She’d made her feelings about him clear.
He shouldn’t have come to the hospital. For the past four hours, he’d been surveilling the parking lot, plagued by memories of his parents’ deaths and visions of his own demise. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave, in case she needed him.
Paul struck the heel of his palm against the steering wheel. Stupid.
In the passenger seat, his phone buzzed with an incoming call. Although he wasn’t looking forward to another scold from Kyle, he picked it up. He’d rather fight with his brother than stew in misery.
“What?” he barked.
“Whoa,” Kyle said. “I’m just checking in, bro. No need to bite my head off.”
“Sorry,” Paul said, massaging the nape of his neck. “I’m tense.”
“Try being dissociated. It will free you.”
Paul smiled wryly at this advice. Kyle sounded more relaxed than he had this morning. Paul wondered if his brother had taken some mind-altering substances to chill out. “How are things in Houston?”
“Not great,” Kyle said. “Everyone in the department is on edge. There’s been nonstop finger-pointing, chest-thumping, and backstabbing.”
Paul knew he wasn’t exaggerating. “Try being dissociated.”
“Way ahead of you.”
He switched the phone to his other ear and waited for Kyle to grill him about how he’d handled the situation with Vanessa. When his brother said nothing, Paul prompted him. “You called me, remember?”
“Right. How’s your girlfriend?”
“We broke up, and she went to her dad’s house.”
“See?” Kyle said. “That wasn’t so hard.”
“I have bad news.”
“Lay it on me.”
“My cover is compromised. She knows I’m a cop, and she knows my name.”
Kyle fell silent. Paul imagined him blinking in confusion as he processed the information. “Well, shit.”
“Yes. Shit.”
“You told her I was a cop,” Kyle said, proving his brain was still functioning. “Why did you do that?”
“She found your business card in my jeans pocket.”
“Ah.”
Paul tried to explain the series of events leading up to the discovery. “She’s an ER nurse, so she knows what a gunshot wound looks like, and she’s from a family of cops, so she knows how cops act. She probably searched our last name. It wasn’t difficult for her to put two and two together.”
To his credit, Kyle didn’t point out the fact that Paul had made a serious error in judgment by sleeping with her.
It didn’t matter that she’d seen him shirtless, and washed his jeans, before they’d ever been intimate.
He’d been stupid, and reckless, and dazzled by lust. Screwing her was the final nail in the coffin.
“Did you tell her who shot you?”
“No, but she suspects it was someone important.”
“This isn’t like you,” Kyle said. “I thought you’d be a natural at undercover work. You’re … impenetrable.”
Paul dragged a hand down his face. “I’m in love with her.”
“What?”
“I’m in love with her,” he repeated.
“No. You can’t be.”
“I am. I can’t think about anything but being with her. I’m losing my fucking mind. My cover’s broken, and I don’t care. The only thing I’m worried about is how to win her back. I just got choked up saying goodbye to her kid!”
Kyle fell silent for a moment. “Have you told her how you feel?”
“No.”
“Okay. That’s good.”
“There’s nothing good about this!”
“Calm down, bro. It was bound to happen sooner or later.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re a man like any other. You fall for the wrong woman, and it messes you up.”
“She’s not the wrong woman.”
“Well, it’s definitely the wrong time.”
“What should I do?”
“You really want my advice, after the way I’ve handled my relationships?” Kyle didn’t wait for a response. “Don’t do anything I would do.”
“She won’t even talk to me.”
“Of course not. You just broke up with her.”
“It was the other way around, actually.”
“She broke up with you? Even better.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I do understand,” Kyle said carefully. “You’re not thinking clearly, so I’m going to talk real slow. You can’t win her back right now. You have to keep your distance. You have to prioritize your own safety, and hers.”
Paul took a deep breath and accepted that his brother had his best interests in mind.
They brainstormed about alternate locations for a hideout.
It wasn’t easy to come to a consensus on this topic.
Paul agreed to spend one more night in the cabin, though he had his outdoor gear packed and ready.
Kyle promised to call back tomorrow with a few options.
He didn’t want Paul to go AWOL in the desert.
After he hung up, Paul felt better. He wasn’t optimistic about his chances with Vanessa, but he couldn’t dwell on it. First, he had to survive. As he drew his keys from his pocket, he spotted a flash of yellow in the tree Emily had climbed.
Paul got out of his truck and approached the oak.
Penelope had been placed in the knothole like a princess in need of rescue.
Paul retrieved the doll from the hiding space and glanced around the parking lot.
Twilight had fallen. Knowing Emily, she would be distraught by the doll’s “disappearance” and insist on a search party.
He returned to his vehicle and tossed the doll on the passenger seat.
The least he could do was save Vanessa the headache of another imaginary kidnapping.
“Nothing but trouble,” he muttered, not sure if he meant Penelope, Vanessa, or Emily. Perhaps all three. Females, in general.
He left the hospital parking lot and returned to the Nava residence.
Paul parked on the street and approached the front door with caution.
A porchlight illuminated the space. Vanessa’s car was in the driveway, next to Jackson’s truck.
Paul lengthened his stride. He wasn’t here to cause a disturbance or plead his case. He’d leave the doll and go.
He bent to place Penelope on the welcome mat, his body thrumming with awareness. The lights were dim inside, the interior quiet. As he straightened, he heard the creak of a gate on the side of the house.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Paul turned toward Vanessa with his palms raised. She was barefoot, her ponytail askew. She wore the same outfit he’d admired earlier, the lavender shorts set. One strap of the top hung off her slender shoulder. Her eye makeup was smudged as if she’d been crying.
She’d never looked more beautiful.
Paul pointed to Penelope, and the front door opened. Jackson stuck his head out to investigate the noise.
“You okay?” Jackson asked.
“I’m fine,” Vanessa said. “Go inside.”
Jackson picked up Penelope and went inside.
Vanessa stared at Paul with accusing eyes. A faint streak of mascara made a track down one cheek. “You’re not welcome here.”
Paul nodded and started walking away.
She followed him across the lawn like a security escort. “Don’t come back.”
He paused, mid-stride. It occurred to him that she might have plans to return to the cabin. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“So?”
“I won’t be at the cabin.”
“Neither will I,” she said. “I’d rather burn it down than stay there another night.”
This was a relief to Paul, because he didn’t consider it a safe place.
At the same time, he felt a pang of sadness.
The summer rental they’d squabbled over was now cursed, unwanted by both parties, tainted by memories of their relationship.
While he watched her face, her mouth trembled with emotion.
“I’m sorry,” he said stiffly. “I never meant to hurt you.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, her expression bitter.
“I hope you’ll give me a chance to explain someday.”
“I won’t.”
He hung his head, dejected. Kyle’s question floated back to him—have you told her how you feel? Paul wanted to say the words, but he knew the time wasn’t right for an emotional declaration. If he told her he loved her, she’d laugh in his face. Or fly at him like a wildcat and claw him to shreds.
“You know what the worst thing is?” she asked in a hoarse voice. “Bennett didn’t care about Emily. He didn’t spend time with her, or bond with her. You did. You let her get attached.” She poked at his chest with her finger. “She didn’t cry when we left Denver. She doesn’t miss him, but you …”
Paul hated himself for causing Emily pain. “Do you think I planned this?”
“No. You thought only of the pleasure of the moment.”
“I tried to keep my distance,” he said from between clenched teeth.
“You failed.”
Paul wanted to defend his actions by accusing her of being too sexy to resist, but that wasn’t fair.
He could have avoided her. He could have left the day she’d identified the scar on his shoulder, or the day she’d discovered Kyle’s business card.
The risks he’d dismissed to be with her were indefensible, in hindsight.
“You failed,” she continued, “and you lied, and you weren’t even that good.”
“I wasn’t that good? Now who’s lying?”
“I knew I couldn’t trust you.”
“I told the truth when it counted,” he growled. “I told you things I’ve never told anyone else.”
“You didn’t tell me your real name.”
“You know what else I didn’t tell you?” he said, his gaze narrow.
“I didn’t tell you that the man I killed was attempting a carjacking.
The victim was a woman with a child in the back seat.
He was trying to pull her out of the vehicle.
I had to draw my weapon, even though it was a public safety risk, and I had to fire it, because he took aim at me.
We both hit our targets, only mine was a kill shot.
He pulled the trigger again as he went down.
His bullet struck the woman in the neck. ”
Vanessa’s face went pale. She sank to a sitting position on the grass.
“It’s my fault she got hit, and I have to live with that. I have to live with the memory of her baby screaming while I put pressure on the wound and prayed neither of us would bleed out before the ambulance arrived.”
“Did she make it?”
He nodded, massaging the nape of his neck. “She was in ICU for six weeks, but she’s getting better.”
She studied him warily.
“I’m not asking for a free pass for anything I did.
I shouldn’t have touched you. I shouldn’t have gotten close to you or Emily.
I believed the threat was minimal, if that makes any difference to you.
I went into hiding as a precaution, but it doesn’t matter.
I shouldn’t have started a relationship with you under false pretenses. ”
“What do you expect me to say? It’s over. I don’t forgive you.”
He stopped trying to defend his actions and accepted the loss. “I’m sorry about the way I handled it, but I’m not sorry we were together.” He swallowed hard. “More than anything else, I’m sorry it’s over, because you’re the best time I’ve ever had.”
She closed her eyes and took a ragged breath. “Leave me alone. Please.”
Paul felt the words like a dagger to his heart. She didn’t care about the tragic events that had led him to this moment. She didn’t care why he’d lied to her. She only saw him as another untrustworthy man in a line of many.
Chest aching with disappointment, he walked away.