Chapter 33 #2
“You’ve been in the dark too long, Mo.” The words were out before she could censor herself.
“Yeah. Eliza has made it her mission to add color to my house. I don’t care, really. Or, I didn’t care. I didn’t notice. I was in a fog for a long time. But the first time Eliza was here, she told me it was scary and she didn’t like black.”
“So you told her she could redecorate.” Bronwyn could imagine that conversation.
“Not exactly.” Mo pointed to the pictures on his fridge.
“I told her I’d put up anything as long as she made it.
There was a stretch where she got a little aggressive with it.
I had to put a limit on the number of drawings I could display.
We agreed that the fridge could be a rotating installation.
I have all previous drawings in a book in my room. ”
He pointed to the bathroom. “I did let her redecorate the bathroom. She’s her mother’s daughter. There’s art in her soul.”
Bronwyn peeked into the small room and laughed. “I’d spend all my time in here.” The palette was gentle but masculine. Pale blue on the walls. A boldly patterned bath rug in front of the shower. Multihued towels on the racks. The space was cohesive and bright.
“She’s trying to convince me to let her do the rest of the space. She and Abby are working on me.”
“What are you waiting on?”
He grinned. “Their design portfolio. They’ve been working on it since school let out. I’ve not been allowed to look, but Cal says it’s something.”
“Is that a good something or a ‘be afraid’ something?”
“Probably both.” Mo’s laughter eased the final knot of tension from her chest. He pulled glasses from his small cupboard and poured iced tea for both of them. “But back to your point—yes, I was in the dark too long.” His eyes held hers. “The light is a much better place to be.”
She picked up the vase from the desk and held it. “I’m sorry, Mo. You were never broody and moody . . . before . . .”
He came around the counter, returned the vase to his desk, and put his hands around her waist. “Okay. Let’s get it all out.
I’m not saying we’ll never talk about it again, but let’s rip this Band-Aid off.
I left town for the summer and when I came home, you were gone. And yes, it nearly destroyed me.”
She refused to look away. She’d done this. She would own it. But she couldn’t stop the tears burning at the backs of her eyes.
“You were manipulated and used, and it nearly destroyed you.”
He wasn’t wrong, but, “I have to take responsibility for what I did.”
He brushed at a tear that broke loose. “Okay. Fine. You take responsibility for what you did at sixteen. I’ll take responsibility for what I did on a busy city street before I was deployed and then what I did again when Mom was in the hospital a few years later.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“You should.” He pressed a finger to her lips when she tried to argue.
“It isn’t healthy to ignore the past. When you do that, it comes back to bite you.
” His hand fell to her arm. “But it isn’t healthy to live in the past either.
I spent too long dwelling there, stewing in the hurt and the anger.
That’s on me, Bronwyn. You didn’t do that.
We all choose how we want to handle the hard things.
I chose to be a jerk. I chose to lash out at others.
I became the poster child for ‘hurt people hurt people’ and I was miserable. ”
He pressed his forehead to hers. “And then one day, this little girl showed up. And my scraggly self scared her. She was five years old, and she didn’t know me from before, the way my cousins did.
My family saw me as my hair grew and my attitude darkened, and they accepted me.
But this little sweetheart wasn’t sure that I was safe. ”
“She didn’t know—”
“She was five and she reacted to the external.” Mo pointed to the pictures on his desk of him with Eliza.
“It didn’t take me long to win her over.
But what she may never know is how much seeing myself through her eyes helped me realize how self-absorbed I’d become.
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection, therapy, prayer, and hard conversations with Cal and Meredith.
I’m not the same person I was. But the darkness isn’t so far removed that it doesn’t show up from time to time. ”
“I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t tell you.”
“I wouldn’t let you.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered.” Mo pressed a kiss to her forehead. “For whatever reason, our time wasn’t then.”
Bronwyn dared to look him in the eyes when she asked, “Do you think it’s our time now?”
Mo didn’t hesitate. “I want it to be.”
“So do I.”
“We’ll mess up.”
“Of course we will.”
“But I won’t shut you out when you try to talk to me about hard things.
” Mo crossed his heart, then reached down, took her hand, and pressed a kiss to one knuckle.
“And I’ll let you replace my coffee.” A kiss to the next knuckle.
“And I’ll figure out who is behind the money mess at The Haven.
” Another knuckle, another kiss. “And I’ll be nice to your parents.
” His face grew serious. “But I won’t lie to you about the fact that I don’t like them. ”
“Fair enough.” She didn’t like them much either.
He reached for her other hand and repeated the same procedure.
“I will tell you you’re beautiful every day.
I’ll continue to work with June to be sure you eat enough, and when this mess is resolved, I’ll date you the way we should have dated in our teens.
We’ll go to the movies, and you can whisper all the secrets about the stars.
I’ll go for hikes with you so you can take photos of random tiny flowers on the trail, and every night, I’ll tell you how lucky I am that you gave me another chance. ”
Mo’s hands slid to her upper arms and squeezed. “I’m not telling you all this to try to force you to reciprocate. This isn’t a ‘define the relationship’ conversation. Our relationship defies definition. It always has. What this is, is me giving you the good and the bad.”
“I didn’t hear any bad.”
“That’s because I’m not done.”
“Oh.”
“I won’t lie to you. I won’t pretend with you. I’ll give you my authentic self, and as you may have noticed, that’s no prize because my true self is messy and sometimes dark. Most importantly, I won’t hide us from anyone.”
Oh. Oh . . .
Mo tilted her chin so she was looking up at him. “You can have as long as you need to think about it. But if we’re doing this, we’re doing it in the open.”
“Mo?”
“Yes?”
“Can I talk now?”
“Sorry. Of course.”
“What exactly are we doing?”
He took a deep breath. “I’m not sure what you’re doing, but I’m falling in love with you. Or maybe I’m remembering that I’ve always been in love with you and now I’m figuring out what that looks like.”
She should have said something romantic and epic. What she said was, “Okay. Good.”
“Good?” One eyebrow crept up. “All of that, and you say, ‘Good’?”
“Well, yeah. It would have been awkward if you were thinking that we’re starting from scratch and you didn’t know where we might be headed when I’m over here thinking that we’re .
. . well . . .” She choked on the word. Her courage evaporated.
Her skin heated. Her heart beat so fast, she was afraid she might look like one of those cartoon characters whose heart juts five feet out of their chest.
Mo’s lips brushed her forehead. “Now that’s cruel. Don’t leave me standing here, desperate to know what you think we are.” His lips danced across her ear. “You can tell me anything.”
“You’re a menace.” Seriously. She could barely stand up.
His lips flitted over her cheekbones. “What are we, Bronwyn?”
There was no hesitation. “Forever.”
Mo’s arms wrapped around her and pulled her tight against him, and it was only then that she realized this man she’d loved her entire life was trembling against her.
His reaction gave her the courage to rise on her tiptoes and press a series of kisses to his jaw.
“Mine. Always. Forever.” Then she gave him more of the truth.
“Also, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of what I feel for you.
Terrified of what it means to give in to this.
Terrified that we’ll mess it up and the pain will be a thousand times worse.
But I’m choosing you, anyway. I’m choosing the person you are today.
The person I know you to be. Your character.
Your heart. Your determination. Your vulnerability.
Your promise to tell me the truth. I’m choosing all of that. And I’m still afraid.”
He held her for a long moment. She had no regrets about what she’d said. It was all true. But she did wish he’d say something.
He rubbed her back and spoke in a contemplative tone.
“One thing I’ve learned about fear—you can’t logic your way out of it, but sometimes you can experience your way out of it.
” He gave her a squeeze and stepped back.
“I’m not sure when it will happen, but it will.
One day, you’ll wake up and realize you aren’t afraid anymore. ”