Chapter Seven #2
“Oh, god.” She covers her face quickly, by reflex, and she’s not sure if she’s smiling because it’s funny or because she should’ve known better. “A year and a half isn’t long, believe me. I’ll show you long.”
His laughter is hesitant in return. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’ve got you beat, that’s all.”
“Well, fine. So you’re showing off. How long has it been?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“I’m fairly sure I do.”
Aubrey swears at herself, at the deep grey sky.
It’s been a while since she risked showing her cards like this, so quickly.
She knows it’s risky. Maybe she’s desperate for a reason to justify it not working out in the end.
Maybe she’s trying to take herself out of the running before she’s given herself, or him, an actual chance.
She feels the weight of the words on her tongue before she says them. “I’ve been single my whole life,” she tries to say as normally as possible. Her nose is scrunched up, her eyes narrowed at the horizon. “So, nearly twenty-eight years. Give or take a few weeks.”
She waits for him not to go wide-eyed and say “oh” in a shocked way. She waits for her expectations to be proven wrong and for it not to matter, even though she knows it does. And as time passes, it matters more.
But when she looks over at Raphael, she can’t quite read his face. All he says is, “Mm, okay.”
“But not in a weird kind of way,” Aubrey feels the need to add. “Just in an ’I never really clicked with anyone’ way.”
“No, no, yeah, that’s cool.” He hears himself and grimaces. “That was lame. I just mean, good for you. If you think it’s good. But I mean, you’ve dated, right? Like, you’ve been in casual sorts of things.”
He doesn’t say it like a question. They’re walking along a residential street now, and through the house windows the lights are on and silhouettes can be seen inside.
Aubrey says, “I haven’t, no. Not really. I think—three dates is the most I’ve been on with the same person.” It feels shameful to say it and she hates this feeling. She doesn’t look at him now.
“Mm. Well, that’s fine.”
Aubrey wants to push and pick at him until he admits he finds it weird, because it’s how things always go, in the end, and it’s annoying that they’re pretending otherwise.
But she wants to do better, this time, and she’s not here to go through the same motions, the same endings.
Assuming the worst of people gets a little tiring.
So she smiles and says, “Yeah, I think so. I mean, I promise I’m a really normal person. ”
This time he laughs louder, the sound crisp and contagious in the quiet evening air.
Desperate to keep it at that, Aubrey asks him about his favourite spots around town, and they chat about school, the passage of time, finding comfort in the place where you grew up.
Soon after, they find the water again, in an unpaved lot where a few cars are parked and people have gathered along the shore. In the distance, the lights of the old town and the sleeping masts of fishing vessels and sailboats fill the horizon.
After a few more steps, they stop and take a seat on the little patch of grass that lines the water. Around them, people take pictures out of their rolled-down car windows.
They sit in silence for a minute, and then Aubrey decides she’s dumb enough to bring it up again. “I swear it’s really no big deal I’ve never dated anyone,” she says. She can’t help it. It makes her feel a little better to say it.
Raphael looks over, his features a little blurry in the dark. “I don’t think it’s a big deal,” he says.
“I never know whether I should mention it on the first date or not.”
“You’ve had bad experiences.”
“Yeah. I mean, nothing crazy. I just think a lot of people don’t really want to invest time in someone who’s got everything to learn.”
To their right, an SUV props its trunk open and a couple around their age comes to sit together in the back to look at the water. Aubrey watches them for a second.
Raphael leans back on his elbows and crosses his ankles. “I get it. I just don’t think it’s that deep.”
“I can see that. It just feels deep for me, I guess. It’s grown into this thing, over time. It’s like you know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but everyone else kind of makes it feel like the end of the world itself.”
“Mm.” He concedes, “I mean, it is kind of surprising to hear.”
“Right. It was less surprising a few years ago. But now it’s like I’m trying to beat the whole world at this race I didn’t know I’d entered.
And it just keeps getting harder and harder.
And sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just lock something down to say I’ve done it and that’s it.
Then I won’t be the twenty-seven-year-old woman who’s never been in a relationship anymore.
I can’t really figure out what else would help me breathe just a little easier.
But on the other hand, I think, I’ve waited so long it feels wrong to rush through it now.
I might as well stick with it, at this point. Get it right.”
Raphael lays down then, folding his hands under his head to shield it from the grass. Silence lingers just a little too long. Now Aubrey’s words start to replay in her head, and she tries to decide whether she said anything wrong.
Then he frowns and asks, “You’ve never had a boyfriend? At all, really?” He sounds taken aback.
Aubrey has to laugh. She responds, “At all, really. Sorry, I thought we covered that.”
“Yeah, no, I know. I guess I’m just trying to wrap my mind around it. You’ve kissed someone, right?”
“Yes, I’ve kissed multiple someones.”
“Okay.” He nods, as if pleased with her answer. Then he asks, without looking at her, “But you’re not a virgin or anything, are you?”
“Sorry?”
“I mean, you’ve been with people.” He pauses, as if for his words to weigh a little heavier. “Sexually.”
Aubrey lets the sentence reverberate through her brain. “Well, what a thing to say,” she huffs.
“I’m just asking, I don’t know. I don’t think you are, to be fair. You’re a stunning woman, I’m sure you could sleep with anyone you’d like.”
“Are only unattractive people virgins, then?”
“No, I mean, it could be for religious reasons, too, but your profile said you’re agnostic, so I thought...” He trails off, leaving his silence to do the heavy lifting for him.
“And there’s no other possible reason someone might not have had sex by a certain age.”
Raphael sits up just a hair. He seems to actually be pondering Aubrey’s point.
The conversation still feels light, the tension eased by the water and the wind and their matching hesitant, polite smiles.
“I guess there could be,” he finally agrees.
“It’s just, you really don’t look like someone who’d stay a virgin so long. I mean it in a good way.”
“Mm. That’s a weird kind of compliment.”
“Is it? I’m just saying you’ve got a head on your shoulders, you’re not super shy or anything.”
“Okay. Well, thanks, I guess. But then, let’s say I am still a virgin, and you’re saying all this about how it’s just impossible that I’ve never had sexual intercourse with anyone.
Because to you, sex might be an intrinsic part of fitting a certain image, and then you can simply decide, by your own standard, whether someone who fits that image ticks all these boxes you’ve assigned to it.
And everything in your language, and the way you think, suggests that of course this girl sitting in front of you, who you’ve deemed pretty enough to be desired, could never be this weird, shameful thing you can’t even wrap your head around. ”
“Okay, well, I never said it was weird or shameful.”
“Because you won’t even acknowledge it could be true. That I could just be attractive, and talkative, and a virgin.”
“I guess.” Raphael’s eyes seem to see too much, look too closely. “It’s just something I’ve never encountered before.”
“So it couldn’t possibly be a reality.”
“Is it a reality, though?”
“It doesn’t matter whether it is or not, that’s the thing. The point is it could be. And if it was, I wouldn’t reveal it now, after you’ve made your feelings about the idea so clear.”
“I don’t think I have any set opinions on the matter. I mean, sure, I didn’t consider it as a possibility. I’m sorry for that. I guess it’s just not something I’m used to hearing, or considering. But it doesn’t mean I would judge or look down on anyone for it.”
“Wouldn’t you? You can’t even think of a reason why someone would ever choose to willfully refrain from having sex with anyone, other than religion. You are aware asexuality is a thing, yes?”
“Of course I am.” He runs a hand down the length of his face, as if exasperated, but there’s still a smile in there, lingering.
He finds this entertaining. Aubrey fixes her eye on the water.
She can’t make up her mind about him. Mostly she finds him irritating and disappointingly predictable, but she also wants to know what he’ll say next.
She itches for him to catch her off-guard and prove her wrong.
She wants to smile with something more than guarded hesitation.
She waits. After a second he says, “God, I don’t know. I guess you’re right then.” It’s far from convincing.
Aubrey laughs. The wind blows her hair into her face. “This isn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be.”
“I swear I’m an open-minded guy. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“I know you think that.”
Raphael sucks air through his teeth. “Ouch.”