Chapter 7
As she ran for the steps, she tripped on the remnants of the screen and tumbled down the porch stairs, rolling herself up in the screen as she went. By the time she came to a stop in the lawn, she looked like a spring roll or a burrito, depending on your food preferences.
The alligator whirled around and took off at a fast walk in her direction.
Ida Belle yelled at me to shoot, but I didn’t have a good angle to pull off a shot; I leaned out from the tree and took one shot, but as I pulled the trigger, the limb I was leaning against snapped and I fired high, shooting a hole through Gertie’s kitchen window.
I struggled for a second, trying to keep my balance, but gravity won and I pitched out of the tree and hit the ground. I managed to roll as I hit, bounced up, and took off after the alligator.
“I don’t have a clear shot,” I yelled as I ran.
Ida Belle had scrambled down the stairs and was trying to untangle Gertie from her wire cocoon. Gertie had been yelling the entire time, but everything was garbled, probably because a mess of wire was pulling her face in four different directions.
As the alligator inched closer, Ida Belle yelled at me again to shoot, but he was too far ahead for me to get a good angle.
I couldn’t kill it, but maybe I could distract it.
I said a quick prayer and fired the last shot at its tail.
The alligator stopped running and threw its head around. I swear it was glaring at me.
“Run the other way,” Ida Belle yelled.
I waited until the beast started my direction, then took off running across the yard for the back fence.
Then I saw the door open on Gertie’s toolshed.
I glanced back and saw the alligator gaining on me.
I shifted right and increased pace toward the shed.
I was about twenty feet ahead of the gator when I bolted inside and shoved up the window on the back.
The gator ran in the shed behind me, taking out an entire row of flowerpots on a bottom shelf as he lunged for me.
I vaulted onto the workbench and launched out the window and onto the roof.
I scurried to the other side, flipped off, and slammed the shed door shut, then slid the bolt in place, locking the angry alligator inside.
I took a second to admire my handiwork, then set off for the house, where Ida Belle was still struggling to get Gertie free from the screen.
“I need wire cutters,” Ida Belle said. “This crap is all entwined.”
The screen was wrapped around Gertie from her head all the way down to her butt, leaving only her legs dangling out. She was still trying to talk, but with the way the screen had her face contorted, everything was garbled.
“Let me guess,” I said. “The wire cutters are in the shed.”
“Of course, but this is thin enough that I can make do with kitchen shears. Just help me get her inside in case that thing comes bursting out of there.”
As if on cue, we heard a loud bang. We both whirled around and watched as the door on the shed shook.
“That door is made of plywood,” I said. “It’s not going to hold him long.”
“Upsy-daisy,” Ida Belle said.
We grabbed Gertie’s screen-covered shoulders and pulled her to a standing position. Another bang rang out, and this time a splintering sound followed. I looked back and saw the alligator’s head emerge from the bottom of the splintered door.
“Time’s up!” I yelled.
We grabbed Gertie’s shoulders and half pulled her up the steps and dashed across the porch.
Her legs were moving as fast as they could go, but her balance was worse than ever due to being wrapped up like a burrito.
We got her to the door but as she ran inside, she tripped over the threshold and crashed onto the floor.
I looked back and saw the gator only thirty feet away and closing the distance rapidly.
I bolted inside behind Ida Belle and tried to slam the door, but couldn’t because the lump that was Gertie was blocking the opening.
I reached down to try to pull her out of the way, certain I’d never get her moved in time, when Ida Belle placed her foot right on Gertie’s hip and shoved as hard as she could.
Gertie rolled out of the doorway and I slammed the door just in time to stop the charging animal from entering the house.
Gertie kept going into the breakfast nook and took out a floor lamp.
The alligator slammed against the door once, but this one was hurricane-proof and wasn’t going to go as easily as the others.
He tried one more time, then slunk off the porch and stared at the back door.
Ida Belle grabbed a pair of kitchen shears and started cutting the screen away from Gertie, beginning at the bottom.
“Why aren’t you starting with her head?” I asked.
“Because I’m certain this crazy woman brought that alligator here, and I want to tell her just how stupid it was without her interrupting.”
It sounded reasonable to me, so I flopped into a chair where I had a view of the backyard, and our friend the gator, and held the loose piece of screen as Ida Belle cut, unraveled, and ranted.
“You’ve officially lost your mind,” Ida Belle said.
“I’ve thought it before, and always gave you the benefit of the doubt, but this time, I’m certain.
As soon as I get you out of this wrapper, I’m driving you to New Orleans to be fitted for a permanent one in white.
You are a danger to society and more importantly, to Fortune and me. What the hell were you thinking?”
Ida Belle clipped through the last of the screen as she finished her diatribe. Gertie sat up and moved her lips around, probably trying to get some blood circulating back in them. Her face was a mess of red grid lines. It looked like someone had beaten her with a flyswatter.
“Are you okay?” I asked, figuring someone probably should and Ida Belle didn’t appear to be in any mood for it.
“I’m fine,” Gertie said, and glared at Ida Belle. “And I’m not crazy. I have a perfectly good reason for having Godzilla here.”
Ida Belle shook her head. “Good God, she’s named it.”
“Unless the reason for having that alligator includes a barbecue,” I said, “I am going to go ahead and call BS on the perfectly good reason thing.”
Gertie rose from the floor and headed into the kitchen. “I’ve got to have something to drink. My mouth tastes like rust.”
“If you’d changed that screen when I told you to,” Ida Belle said, “it wouldn’t taste bad.”
“Well, since I wasn’t planning on eating it,” Gertie said, “I wasn’t concerned about the taste.”
She pulled a soda out of the refrigerator, plopped down on a barstool, and took a big drink.
I glanced over at Ida Belle, who wore her impatience on her face as clearly as she did her nose.
I was getting a little miffed myself. No one liked to sprint for their life first thing in the morning. Especially without coffee.
“Out with it,” Ida Belle said. “Fortune hasn’t had coffee and that’s never a good thing.”
Gertie’s eyes widened and she jumped off the stool. “No coffee? I’ll put some on.”
Ida Belle pointed her finger at Gertie. “If you take one step toward that coffeepot, I will kill you with the remnants of that floor lamp. What the hell are you doing with that alligator?”
“Saving him,” Gertie said.
“For a barbecue?” I asked.
“No! I’m saving him from the poacher.”
Suddenly, the pieces fell together and everything made sense…in a Gertie sort of way. The solitary fishing trips, the giant bait, leaning over the boat gazing into the water, whatever horrible thing was cooking in the oven.
“So let me get this straight,” I said. “You brought that thing here to make sure the poacher didn’t get it, and putting it in your bathtub seemed like a good idea.
Not that any of this was a good idea, but inside your house?
Front door open? Emergency text for me and Ida Belle to show up? What did you think would happen?”
Ida Belle nodded. “And where were you, anyway? This might not have gotten out of control if you’d been here telling people not to open the bathroom door.”
“So many questions,” Gertie said. “I’m already confused.”
“Skip everything Fortune asked,” Ida Belle said. “Since it all questions your decision-making ability when it comes to logic, the questions are moot. Where were you?”
“I was at Melba’s house. They went fishing last night and I asked her to save me the scraps after they filleted the fish. She had a bag for me but wanted it out of her backyard because it was starting to stink the place up.”
Ida Belle wrinkled her nose. “Like whatever is in the oven is stinking your kitchen up? Don’t tell me you’re baking fish parts?”
Gertie crossed her arms. “I’m making a fish casserole, if you must know.”
Ida Belle stared. “You’re baking a casserole for an alligator? I have officially heard it all. He eats fish and dead things. What makes you think he’d want a casserole?”
“The first time he swam up to my boat, I gave him half of my ham sandwich. Then another time I gave him leftover pizza and sugar cookies. He really seemed to like the baked stuff, so I figured a casserole of fish made sense.”
“I’m sure in your world, it does.” Ida Belle sighed. “Should I even ask how you got that thing to your house?”
“I rigged up a pulley to the light bar on my boat and hoisted him up,” Gertie said. “Then I backed the Caddy down the boat ramp and plopped him in the trunk. I broke the rest of the bottom out of the trunk when I got into the garage and he fell right out.”
“How did you get the hook out of his mouth?” I asked.
Gertie looked horrified. “I didn’t hook him. I made a sling out of a couple pairs of old pants.”
I looked over at Ida Belle, but she appeared as confused as I was. “And the alligator let you strap him with pants? Like it was completely normal?”
“I suppose it’s not normal,” Gertie said, “but that’s what I was trying to tell you when I was wrapped up in the screen—Godzilla won’t hurt me. He was probably coming to protect me.”