Chapter 12 #2
“The fate of humanity in Sinful probably is. If Celia remains mayor, I give this place a year before it’s a ghost town. Everyone who’s not in jail will have moved.”
“I guess all the people who voted for her should have put a little more thought into the process.”
“Too many Catholics won’t vote for a Baptist. A whole other bloc of idiots still think Marie killed her husband, even though we know that’s not the case.
The general population trends to older around here, and sometimes it’s hard to get older people to change their thinking on something once they’ve made their minds up. ”
“I bet a lot of them are rethinking things now.”
Carter nodded. “I’m sure they are, but it’s too late. If the recount stands, Sinful is stuck with her for four years.”
I sighed. I didn’t want to think about the fallout if Celia remained mayor.
I was just now tossing around the idea of becoming a regular around town.
If I moved here and the people I cared about left, then I’d be adrift all over again.
I frowned, realizing I was feeling nostalgic about a place I’d spent a tiny fraction of my life in.
Sometimes it scared me how quickly I’d changed.
Had I always been unhappy in my former life and just convinced myself otherwise?
Or had coming to Sinful opened my eyes to what my life could be if I didn’t follow in my father’s footsteps?
“Have you given any more thought to your plans once Ahmad is out of play?” Carter asked.
He watched me closely as he asked the question, and I wondered for a moment if he knew me well enough that he could predict my thoughts or if they’d simply shown on my face.
He’d tried to make the question sound casual, but there was an edge to his voice that he couldn’t hide.
My answer was important to him, but he’d left this question off the table for a while now.
I knew he was giving me room to make decisions, but his tone left no doubt that he was heavily invested in my answer.
“It’s just about the only thing I have thought about,” I said.
“And have you reached any conclusions?”
I shook my head. It was one thing to mull over my prospects with Ida Belle and Gertie, but it was completely another to lay them out for Carter, especially when I didn’t feel like anything had been decided.
Gertie and Ida Belle cared about me and would miss me if I left, but it wasn’t the same.
I didn’t want to get Carter’s hopes up only to change my mind when the time came to, as Gertie would say, fish or cut bait.
“Nothing is set in stone,” I said. “I know I can’t go back to the CIA. Too many things have happened. I’m not the same person who stepped off the bus that day I arrived here, and I don’t think I can ever get that person back.”
“Would you want to?”
“No. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ashamed of who I was or anything.
My job was important, and I did a lot for this country, even if no one will ever know.
I spent every waking hour that I wasn’t on assignment training to make myself a better agent.
I was loyal, dedicated, and I was damned good at it. ”
“I don’t have any doubt that was the case.”
“But…I don’t know. It was like, no matter how good I was or how successful the mission, there was always something missing. I can’t explain it because I don’t really understand it myself.”
“I get it. I felt the same way in the Marine Corps. I knew the service I provided was invaluable, and that there were only a handful of people who could have performed at the same level. I was proud of my ability and my accomplishments, but I was never satisfied.”
“Yes! That’s the word—satisfied. I’ve been downright ecstatic, but I don’t think I’ve ever been satisfied. Why do you think that is?”
“Because it’s not your place.” He leaned back in his chair.
“You know, I could be a shrimper. I worked on boats when I was a teen, and growing up here, there’s not much I don’t know about the profession.
And I’m sure I’d be good at it. But I don’t think I’d ever come home at night and flop down in my recliner and feel satisfied with my day. ”
“But you do now?”
He nodded. “I know that from where you sit that might be hard to believe, and I’ll be the first to admit that lately, it’s been harder than it has to be.
The politics of the situation are enough to make me want to run screaming in the streets, but I still feel like this is where I belong.
I had to go halfway around the world to figure that out, but once I did, I haven’t had a moment of doubt. ”
“Not even one?”
He smiled. “Well, maybe one. Or two. Since you arrived, anyway.”
“I really messed up your perfect little world, didn’t I?”
He reached across the table and took my hand.
“If it was really that perfect, you couldn’t have affected it.
Getting involved with you hasn’t been without some hard moments.
I’ve had to revisit things I never wanted to think about again.
But I’m drawn to you like a moon to its orbit.
I tried to fight it for a long time. Now I’m just praying I don’t get damaged in a cosmic explosion. ”
“If there’s an explosion, it’s more likely Gertie did it. But I get what you’re saying. I tried to stay away from you, and you see how that worked out.”
He grinned and went back to eating. “I’m irresistible.”
“Clearly.” I slumped back in my chair and sighed. “Sometimes I think I should just chuck it all, live on a boat, and get a job sacking groceries at the General Store. Walter would hire me.”
“Maybe you could take up that librarian thing for real.”
“It’s too quiet in libraries. I’d be bored to death. There’s probably rarely any shooting.”
“If part of your job criteria is shooting things, then you’d be bored in most professions. Not a lot of shooting goes on in the General Store.”
I grinned. “It might if I was working there.”
“Ha. Please don’t make my job any harder.”
“That’s what worries me the most. Not making your job harder. I don’t have an ounce of guilt over that.” I frowned. “I worry that I’ll change everything and I still won’t be happy.”
“That was my biggest concern when I came back here and took the deputy job. I had tried other things and traveled around the world, so I thought I knew what I wanted, but there’s always that doubt, you know?”
“Actually, I don’t know. This is the first time in my life that it hasn’t been laid out in front of me like a map.
I never thought about what I wanted to do.
Not like I’m doing now. I just did what everyone thought I would do and worked hard to be the best at it.
I’m almost embarrassed to admit that it never went beyond that. ”
“You lost your mother when you were young,” Carter said quietly, “and it doesn’t sound like your father took much of an interest in your ability to cope. I had my mother and Walter. They kept me straight and focused—as well as anyone can keep a boy focused while he’s becoming a man.”
“My father never took an interest in anything but his work. I look back now and wonder how he and my mother ever got together. She was exactly the opposite of him.”
“Maybe she thought she could fix him. She wouldn’t be the first or the last woman to walk down that path.”
I nodded and stared down at the table. Every time I thought about my mother I got sad. When I thought about my father, I got angry. Thinking about both sort of canceled the feelings out but left me even more confused about what I should think about all of it.
“So what are you doing tonight?” Carter asked, changing the subject.
“Nothing earth-shattering.” I hoped. “Probably just hanging out with Gertie and Ida Belle. Gertie’s a little sad over losing Godzilla.”
Carter shook his head. “Every time I think I’ve seen it all that woman invents a new way to surprise me.”
“Me too. But at least it’s never boring.”
I hoped I didn’t have to eat those words.