16. THE ONE WITH THREE DUDE ROOMMATES
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
THE ONE WITH THREE DUDE ROOMMATES
Comment: I hope @WestParkerComedy adds more stops to his tour!
Comment reply: Dude probably just woke up to this shit-storm… Give him a second.
The look on Joey’s face is the exact one I expected when we pull up in the camper my parents let us turn into a tour van.
“What is this?” she asks with wide eyes.
Frankie’s about to explode with laughter.
“It’s our tour bus,” I tell her, leaning against the door frame casually.
When I told my parents I was putting together a tour in the states, they were giddy to have me back on U.S soil and home for the holidays this year.
They were the ones to suggest we turn their RV into a tour bus since we’d be on the road from the end of August to Thanksgiving. Who am I to tell them no?
It’s only two years old and clean as hell for three dudes on the road together. My mom would lose her shit if we brought it back trashed, and none of us want to deal with a mad Melanie Isakson.
“This is a camper,” Joey clips.
I hop out and grab her backpack with a smile, surprised she doesn’t refuse my help. “Technicalities.”
“You didn’t tell me we’d be sleeping in a camper.” She stares at me with the cutest look of annoyance, brows pinching in the middle, and a snarl on her pretty, plump lips.
“You didn’t ask.” I shrug one shoulder, throwing her bag over the other. “And neither did our contract, so…”
Now she looks like she wants to slap me. I take a step back.
“A place for me to sleep was kind of an unspoken requirement.” She looks at the RV like it’s going to transform into a five-star hotel before her eyes.
“There’s an extra bed.”
“How much sex has been had in this extra bed?” Of course, she’s staring directly at me when she asks… as if Enzo and Kell aren’t just as horny!
“We have a very strict no sex on the bus rule.” It was the first one we made when agreeing to live in it together for three months.
Enzo pops his head out, making a show of checking his watch. “Can you guys bicker on the road, please?”
Joey eyes me before turning to hug Frankie again. “Love you. See you for dinner on Monday. If I don’t text back within five minutes, I’m dead, and you should call someone.”
“I promise we aren’t going to hurt her,” I assure Frankie as her best friend climbs into the camper.
“Honestly, she’s not the one I’m worried about.” Frankie smiles sweetly and waves. “Good luck! Have fun! Don’t do anything stupid!”
“Nice seeing you again, Franceska,” I hear Enzo say as he leans out and yanks me by the arm. “If you don’t get in the bloody RV, you’re going to be the first one dead.”
I stumble up the steps clumsily, clobbering the shit out my shin while Enzo shuts the door with a bang, flopping down into the passenger’s seat.
Joey points at Kell. “Who's he?”
Thankfully, Enzo answers, because I’m struggling not to upchuck the contents of my stomach from the pain in my leg—which is only water and coffee at this point.
“Kell, Jo. Jo, Kell.” Enzo motions between the two as Kell puts the van in gear. “He covers merch sales and drives us around, because I told West he had to do more than work three hours a night four days a week if we’re paying him.”
“Hi, Jo.” Kell waves, his dark blue eyes standing out against his brown skin in the rearview mirror. He doesn’t take a breath in between flipping Enzo off, and saying, “I drive because we’re too afraid to let you after you drove down the wrong side of the—”
“It was one time, five years ago!” Enzo cuts him off.
I inhale a sharp breath and hobble over to the horseshoe shaped dinette we chose to leave in for a makeshift workspace. Plopping down, I scoot to the middle, patting the bench to my right where I leave Joey's bag.
She’s still standing, eyes bouncing between Enzo and Kell like she’s trying to figure out their dynamic.
Do they hate each other?
Do they always act like this?
“You’ll get used to it.” I shrug, rubbing my shin where a lump starts to swell. Oh yeah, that’s going to be a gnarly bruise.
The second Joey's seated she brings her laptop out of its bag. She glances at me, pulling out a physical planner next. “You gonna make it?”
I grunt and take one more deep breath now that I no longer feel the urge to barf. “I’ll manage.”
“Good. Also, there’s no way in hell I’m sleeping up there.” She points to the bunk above the driver’s seat. “I’m claustrophobic.”
“Kell, you’ve got a new bed.” I raise my voice to make sure he can hear me over the calmer conversation he and Enzo are having now.
He gives us a thumbs up, always cool with whatever.
“We have a couple bunks in the back. Enzo’s a giant, so he gets the queen bed.”
Enzo spins the chair around on its swivel to face us, locking it into place as Kell merges onto the highway. “I would be a gentleman and give you the bed for the weekend, but I literally can’t fit in the bunks.”
I have a hard time in my bunk, but we don’t sleep in the camper every night. If we have more than two shows in a place, we’ll splurge on a couple hotel rooms, but this saves us so much money.
“You can have my bunk. I’ll take Kell’s,” I tell her, finally relaxing into the bench. “Don’t worry,” I say before she gets the chance to say anything. “Sheets are clean.”
I watch as she nods, looking down the hall where she can only see the end of Enzo’s bed from her seat. “Good.” She turns to her computer, typing something I can’t see. “What time’s the show tonight?” she asks, looking from the screen to me.
“Opener’s on at 7:30,” Enzo answers because I never have a fucking clue where I’m supposed to be or when I’m supposed to be there. I should… I know I should, but he’s taken over all that, and I’m spoiled. I’ll admit it.
I don’t know what I’ll do when he decides it’s time to go back to his real life and job in London.
But you know what? That’s not my problem right now. I’ll figure it out later.
“I’m assuming there's a sound check?” She types some more, nails clicking against the keys.
I lean over the table, looking at the screen upside down. “Yep, usually a couple hours before they open the doors.”
Joey flicks me on the top of the head, prompting me to look up instead of sitting like I know she wants.
I’m close enough to watch her scan my face with her hypnotic eyes. My body begs me to lean forward and kiss her in front of my friends, pretending they’re not even here… but I can’t.
I told her I could do this.
So, against every fiber of my being, I lower myself back to my side of the table and tuck my hands under my thighs.
I have to physically restrain myself from touching this woman.
“Is tomorrow’s show the same?” She goes on asking questions like my proximity does nothing to her.
“Yes,” Enzo answers for me again.
“What’s your pre-show day look like?” She reaches for her lavender water bottle and takes a sip.
“What is this? Twenty questions?” I ask, cocking my head.
Joey shuts her laptop and leans forward.
“No, this is me doing the job you hired me for.” She gives me a thin-lipped smile.
“I have to know what your days look like in order to figure out when and how long we have to make content, what kind of schedule you can handle when I’m gone, and how you’re going to maintain your consistency. ”
I don’t move, don’t pull my hands out from under my legs. Instead, I smile and make sure my dimples show. “Yes, ma’am.” I wiggle in my seat. “Continue.”
The next hour and a half is spent going through my schedule, coming up with times I could and should be dedicating to posting, or interacting on my socials, or batching content.
There’s so much that goes into this… I knew there would be, but when it’s staring me in the face, it feels a bit overwhelming.
We run into some traffic, which immediately makes Enzo tense, definitely stressing about whether we’ll make it an hour early or not.
I, on the other hand, end up sliding into the booth next to Joey, spending the extra time actually working.
She shoots her hand out and wiggles her fingers. “Give me your phone.”
I’m proud of myself. I never once blacked out and stared at her lips or pictured her naked… Okay, well she did show me an example of content she posted and for a hot second I definitely couldn’t stop staring at her nipple piercings through her leather top, but that wasn’t my fault!
I don’t even question it. “8-5-0-4.”
I watch her fingers move over the screen.
She taps the App Store and downloads a program she has synced to her computer.
“This will set off alarms that won’t let you access anything else until you complete the task.
” Joey slides the phone back to me, and I scroll through the calendar she put together as Kell pulls us up to the side of a building.
“I mean, can’t I just say the task is done even without doing it?” I ask.
Befuddled, she scrunches her brows. “Well, yeah, but who gets dopamine from cheating on their to-do lists?”
“We’re here,” Enzo announces, hopping up. “Sound check is now. Let’s go.”
Joey closes her laptop and follows me out of the booth. “Are you ready for the most fun forty-eight hours of your life?” I ask as she stands.
She’s close enough to get a whiff of the still-fresh fruity shampoo scent of her hair. “This is work for me.”
“And what do you think comedy is for me?” I counter.
“A job,” I answer before she can scoff. “A job can still be fun, Joey. It’s not conventional, but it’s possible.
” I grab a water out of the cabinet and hop down the stairs, shaking the RV.
I pop my head back in and find her at the top of the stairs looking down at me.
“West Parker isn’t my only side. It’s just the one everyone thinks they know. ”
Everyone thinks they know me. They know me because they assume I’m always the man on the stage—the image I’ve allowed them to see.
I’ve created a character to hide behind, and I think Joey has too.
She doesn’t say anything for a beat, making my heart race. I fucking hate how nervous she makes me. I want to know what’s going on inside her head at all times—which scares the shit out of me.
But when she does finally say something, I think it’s what I’ll tell our children when they ask me how I knew I was in love with their mother…
“Then maybe we should show them who you really are.”
Whatever this is with Joey, I’ve never felt anything like it before, and I’m starting to wonder if I should be admitted for a psych evaluation.