23. THE ONE WITH THE BROOMSTICK
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THE ONE WITH THE brOOMSTICK
HexedHeroine: I wonder if West Parker will notice the Hex he picked up in Boston
Comment: EVERYONE WAKE UP!!! HEX POSTED!!!
Comment: Omg OMG she’s going on tour with him?
Comment: is this their soft launch?
Comment reply: SOFT launch? I’m HARD!
I lose count of how many times I’ve let Joey’s newest video play on loop somewhere around the tenth time she walks back onto the screen.
The room’s lighting outlines the silhouette of her body in a purple neon glow, the shadows of her room hugging the curve of her hips in a way I wish I could. The lights act as a mask—keeping her face hidden.
She’s wearing this long black dress with twin slits up the legs to her hips. Her upper thighs are wrapped in leather straps, the black corset around her torso has me staring at her chest for at least one entire loop.
I’m close to memorizing every tattoo on her body by now, counting the seconds before I get a glimpse of the snake on her thigh.
Joey takes a seat in a plush chair too big for her and drapes her arms on the armrests. The video is already halfway over.
Her face is concealed by the shadows until she crosses one leg over the other and the lighting changes along with the music’s tempo. Staring into the camera with her sea foam eyes, maskless, is Joey, not Hex, and her expression is sharp, deadly—capable of world domination.
God, she’s so fucking hot.
I’d join a cult if Joey was their recruiter, for sure! I never fell for the fraternity thing in college, but I’m close to converting to whatever it is Joey believes in.
She mouths the words to one of Frankie’s edgier songs, edited into the perfect sound-clip for what will certainly be the most viral video yet.
But we were just getting started.
Joey snaps her fingers on beat, and my favorite Hex mask appears in her hand.
It covers the upper half of her face, made from a shiny black material that reminds me of Venom’s stringy, parasitic goo.
Held in place by the tendrils is a large, very real set of deer antlers decorated with moss, smears of dirt, and fake blood.
Jewels hang from them, sprinkling the edge of the room with dancing sparkles.
I’ve done a deep dive into Hex’s lore, as told by her fans, and they believe she’s not a witch or a demon, but something in between. It makes me believe the theory that Hex stepped out of the woods in a mask made from the remains of her last sacrifice.
Joey has built a brand and community no one can duplicate.
The video skips through three stills of her in the chair raising the mask to her face.
When her hand returns to the armrest, she’s masked, and the words, Long Live Hex, appear on the screen, followed by all the dates, including the newest stops through the end of The Mid-West: Because You Could Do Better Tour.
The video restarts, returning to a shot of the empty chair. She posted thirty minutes ago, and it’s already got over 500,000 views—the world has been waiting to hear from Hex, but she took the time she needed before letting the world back in.
Joey texted me Tuesday night before she made the first post to my WestParkerComedy pages.
Joey baby
Hey, here’s the first video going up tonight!
Let me know what you think or if you wanna go in a different direction.
I think highlighting the stuff people don’t get to see at a show is probably the best place to start…
I’m giving you permission to start interacting on posts again, but please, for the love of our wallets, don’t say anything too stupid, okay?
Oh, and can you not respond to anything about Hex yet? We can leave them guessing about our next move for a couple more days. I’d like to get my post up before we start fueling any rumors further.
Me
I’m following your lead. You tell me what you want from me.
But saying stupid shit is kinda par for the course with me. I can’t make any promises that I won’t say ANYTHING stupid, but I promise not to get Hex involved yet
She gave the text a thumb’s up, and we haven’t talked since.
But she did repost the Long Live Hex video from my accounts, since she has access to basically everything I have a password to. When my parents told me not to trust random strangers from the internet, they surely weren’t talking about Joey, right?
She asked for some time to get her life in order before we head out on Friday, so I hadn’t expected to hear from her at all, but Enzo’s been chatting about fancy business stuff with her all week.
It’s never bothered me until recently that I don’t have much of a clue as to what’s going on around me. I sometimes feel like I’m orbiting in my own life aimlessly.
No one faults me for letting the admin stuff take a backseat, especially not when they know the full story of why I’m standing on a stage with a mic and not geared up on a rink with a hockey stick.
Everyone who’s close to me is just happy to see me getting out of bed, let alone doing all that I’m doing now.
I talk about how I played hockey through college, not what ended my athletic career. All it would take is one Google search to connect the dots between West Parker the stand-up comedian and West Isakson the could-have-been hockey star who’s lucky to be alive.
The first video she posted on my account is a montage of footage from our weekend in Portland.
A video of Kell at the merch table. Me and Enzo post-show laughing about who knows what.
Clips of me she’d gotten while we filmed content.
I wish she would have left the sound of her laugh in the background of the video she got of me attempting a dance trend, but Joey nor her laugh were in a single shot.
Wednesday morning the video had over two million views, pushing the club in New Haven, Connecticut to add another show on Sunday night.
But now it’s Thursday afternoon, she posted her first video since last Friday, I haven’t talked to her in days, and we leave tomorrow for two months where we’ll be living together—mainly out of a camper.
Jesus Christ, I’ll be living on the road with Joey… For two months. With an extended No Sex Contract and sexual tension out of this fucking world, letting the internet believe we’re dating so they’ll keep talking about us and we can make money.
What the fuck are we doing?
We’ve been crashing at my buddy’s downtown apartment while he’s traveling for work, giving ourselves a break from the cramped quarters of the RV, and when she posted the video, I got off the couch and walked out.
I didn’t tell Enzo or Kell where I was going.
They might not even know I’m gone yet. I haven’t gotten a text or call from either of them.
I didn’t watch anything until I was tucked into a corner booth at a coffee shop down the street with my headphones in and my hood pulled over my head.
I don’t know why I left, had no idea where I was going, and can’t tell you why it felt like Hex’s video was the last thing I was waiting for to make sure this was real.
Sure, we signed a contract, but I’d let her out of it if she changed her mind last minute.
Joey posting as Hex for the world to see tells me she’s not going to back out…
and that makes me realize I’d pretty much do whatever she asked if it made her happy, and for about a half an hour that terrifies me.
The uneasy feeling dissipates when I leave the coffee shop, headed back to the apartment. The smell of Boston’s salty early-autumn air calms me, and I finally feel like I can relax.
The news is out.
HexedHeroine is joining West Parker on tour, and everyone thinks this is our soft launch into a public relationship… Once more, I ask myself, what the fuck are we doing?
My phone dings with a notification, pausing the music I had playing for background noise. Siri’s robotic voice says, “Notification from Joey baby,” and I trip over my own feet, a woman nearly running into my back before I shuffle to the side and apologize amidst her grumbling.
Siri reads the text, but I’m scrambling to get my phone out of my pocket, and I only catch a few words.
Had. Tour. Salem.
Had tour Salem?
I finally free my phone, nearly dropping it three times before reading the full text.
Joey baby
Have you ever had a tour of Salem?
I stare at the screen, my heart racing from only eight words.
I am so fucked.
Me
No. Where should I start?
I press send immediately. No chill. The chill has left my body, never to return in the presence of Jo Daniels ever again.
Joey baby
Tonight? 6:30 at my place.
I almost drop dead on the sidewalk, but then she revives me with her next message.
Joey baby
Frankie invited Enzo. Enzo invited Kell.
Right. Right…
I can’t fall for Joey. I can’t be anything other than the man paying her… Her employer? Her boss?
Shit.
Is this a workplace romance?
I learned that on Hex’s page.
Joey’s off limits.
We can be friends. Friends who don’t fuck.
Joey baby
A friend of mine is free to do a tour tonight if you’re up for it. Figured you guys might have fun visiting Witch City while you’re in town
I stand on the side of the busy Boston street, cars honking at the stoplight behind me, completely oblivious to the world around me while Joey holds my attention.
Me
Is this a BYOB: Bring Your Own Broomstick situation?
My feet thaw from the ice holding them in place when Joey doesn’t respond right away, allowing me to finally leave my spot on the sidewalk, heading back to the apartment to distract myself from counting down every second until I see her again.
She texts back a few hours later when I’m halfway through my workout at the gym with Enzo and Kell.
Joey baby
You can ride mine.
I chuckle to myself, taking a sip of water while I swat Kell away from peeking over my shoulder.
“What’s so funny?” he asks, giving me the mischievous smile I remember from when he was a kid, running around my childhood home getting into trouble like he was one of the Isakson boys.
“I think you should worry about your form on that last set of deadlifts instead of my texts.” I lock my phone screen, putting it face down on the bench without replying.
With her response fresh in my mind, I return to my workout with a new sense of confidence I haven’t felt since dropping her off at home on Monday.
I don’t mind the mixed signals, Joey baby.
In fact, I like knowing Joey wants me. Even if she doesn’t want to.