55. THE ONE WHERE SHE CRIES IN THE BACK ROW OF A SMALL JET WITH HER SUNGLASSES ON
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
THE ONE WHERE SHE CRIES IN THE BACK ROW OF A SMALL JET WITH HER SUNGLASSES ON
Comment: From unknown to center of attention real quick. Congrats @HexedHeroine
Comment reply: She’s a fucking BOOK influencer… You say that like she’s important hahaha
Comment: Oh he’s gonna cheat, nooooo doubt
Comment reply: I smell a breakup video coming
I’m on hour two of my three-hour delay, sitting on the floor in a corner of the Chicago O’Hare Airport, because I’m the dumbest person alive.
West Isakson is the world’s greenest flag, and I just up and ran, in the middle of what was his most important show to date. He’d spent the last ten weeks talking about going home and what this show meant to him… And I fucking left.
Without saying goodbye.
Because I’m too afraid to hear him say he’d choose me over his second chance at a successful life.
Because I’m too afraid to be loved.
Because the West I’m in love with deserves someone better than me…
I burrow deeper into the hood of my oversized pullover, trying to keep hidden from view. Before checking my bags in Traverse City, I’d quickly dressed in my loosest, most unassuming black sweatsuit, making sure not to forget my sunglasses.
I cried the entire first flight, alone, in the back row of a small jet with my sunglasses on in complete darkness.
I’ve been in the same corner for three hours.
I haven’t taken a sip of water. I haven’t touched the Kindle in my lap.
I haven’t turned on any music in the headphones I’m wearing.
I haven’t removed the sunglasses from my face.
I’ve barely moved. My phone’s still buried somewhere deep at the bottom of my crossbody, and I plan on leaving it there forever if I can.
There’s no way to turn my brain off, and there’s no sense in trying. I’ve earned the deep-rooted anxiety wreaking havoc inside my body.
I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving. I’d only texted Frankie when I landed in Chicago to let her know that yes, I’d seen the video, and no, she couldn’t talk me out of going home.
I turned my phone off before she could respond.
Obsessively, I watch the gate’s screen, waiting for the next delay to pop up, but it never comes.
An hour later, we’re boarded, and when I think I have another full row to myself, a girl in her late twenties runs onto the plane, breathing heavily like she’d sprinted through the terminal.
She apologizes to the flight crew and anyone who looks at her until she’s plopping down in the aisle seat of my once empty row.
“I definitely thought I was going to miss this flight.” She laughs, shoving her bag under the seat and buckling in quickly.
Stealing a glance at the girl, I immediately realize my mistake—my sunglasses are on top of my head.
She freezes, a Kindle falling from her hands. “No. Way.” Her volume grows with each word.
I put my finger over my lips, shushing her as politely as possible. Not that I’m this huge mega-celebrity, but in my niche, there’s not a reader online who doesn’t know Hex anymore.
“Oh my god, sorry, I just…” Her mouth stays open, and she points at me. Wagging her finger, she finally says, “you’re HexedHeroine.”
This is absolutely my worst nightmare right now. I’d scale the side of the plane to escape if I could, but they make the all-call, and I’m stuck.
“I…” Thankfully the girl talks before I have to.
“I can’t believe this. Wait, why are you here?
Didn’t—that’s not my business.” She smiles politely, trying to get herself together.
“I’m Talia. I’m also a bookish content creator, obviously not to your level, but…
” Laughing, she shrugs herself off, embarrassment turning her bronze skin rosy.
I recognize her now that she’s said it. “TalisTbr?” Her eyes grow wide, and I might have shocked her into silence. “You have the hot pink library, right?” I’ve definitely taken a couple dark rom-com recommendations from her, though I’m not sure if I follow her.
For obvious reasons, I’ve never made any super close friendships online, but I do think she has a decent following of her own—not that it matters to me in a situation like this.
“I’m sorry, I think I just hallucinated. Are you saying you know who I am?” That gets a half-laugh from me, instantly followed by a gut-punch feeling when the sound reminds me of West.
My laugh reminds me of West… Oh, this is gonna be bad.
“As much as one can from their videos on the internet,” I somehow manage to say through the lump in my throat.
I don’t realize the plane’s started to taxi until the captain comes over the intercom, alerting the crew to prepare for takeoff.
Talia nods. “Yeah, of course. I’m sure lots of people think they know who you are. Especially now.” She bites her lip like she shouldn’t have said the last part.
The comments on the article were… pretty much what I should have expected.
West has worked too hard to get to where he is now. I’m not worth losing it over. He might not see that now, but one day he will.
When I think we might fall into silence after takeoff, Talia sighs and turns to me.
“My friends would be so pissed if I didn’t take the opportunity to tell you this.
” She takes a breath like a shot of courage.
“A few years ago, a coworker told me about this book she’d read.
I’d never heard of it, but she said it was rec’d by an influencer she loved.
” Talia nods her chin at me with a sheepish smile.
“I didn’t have an account yet, but I devoured anything you posted about, and eventually made friends through your comment section who told me I needed to show off my pink shelves, so I did, and now here I am, flying out to spend Thanksgiving with the friends I met because of you.
We’re going to a book signing in the city this weekend and spending a day in Salem. ”
I wiggle my jaw to pop my ears as we ascend, blinking to keep a new wave of tears from spilling over.
Jo Daniels doesn’t cry in front of people… But apparently Joey does!
“Sorry, I’m a mess.” I smile at her, wiping my eyes with the sleeves of my hoodie.
“When I started HexedHeroine, I never imagined it would turn into all this. Hex was my escape, and to find out she’s done so much for others too.
” I bite the inside of my cheek. “Makes me feel like I at least got her right.”
Talia and I talk the entire flight. About books, her rescue dogs, Grim, my iconic best friend, Frankie—her words, I just agreed.
It’s not until she says, “I’d be sad if I had to leave real life book boyfriend West Parker to go home for the holidays too,” that I realize we’re descending to land in Boston.
I tell myself it’s the plane’s shaky landing that knocks the breath out of me.
“Ugh, and the video—”
“I don’t want to talk about the article,” I choke out more abruptly than I mean to.
Talia grows stiff. “No, oh god, okay, yeah I bet people insert themselves in y’all’s relationship all the time, which is gross, by the way,” she stutters. “Them, not your relationship, obviously… I’m sorry. I meant the one from the end of West’s show tonight, where he thanked Hex.”
He thanked me? Of course he did. He had no idea I’d left yet.
I open my mouth to say something, but the captain interrupts. “Welcome to Boston. The local time is 3:04 a.m. with a temperature of thirty-four degrees Fahrenheit. We apologize for tonight’s delay…” His voice fades away as Talia holds her phone out to me.
I stare like it might jump out and bite me until my eyes focus on West, standing in the middle of the stage, a backwards HOTSHOT hat, mic cord wrapped around his wrist. The sound of his deep voice hits me like a sonic boom.
He thanks his parents, then Enzo and Kell, followed by the fans, saving Hex for last.
“For seeing the real me when I couldn’t.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself if I tried.
Regret crashes into me, forcing me to give Talia her phone back. I dig my nails into my thighs, needing to feel something to stay grounded. The pain makes me swallow the need to barf.
I’m so fucking stupid.
“I’m sure it’s hard not to listen to the negative stuff people are saying, but I hope you know there are so many people in our community who are just glad to see you happy after the doxxing.
You’re more important to strangers on the internet than you may think.
Losing Hex would be a devastating blow.” The plane halts at the gate, seconds later the seatbelt sign goes off with a ding and people stand.
We walk together to baggage claim, thankful Talia leads the conversation while I float behind like a balloon losing air.
Before saying goodbye, she invites me to the book signing with her friends, but I tell her I have plans… I don’t tell her that those plans include crying on my couch, eating nothing but ice cream and French fries, and throwing my phone in the harbor so I never look at it again.