Chapter 16
Iwas halfway into my sleep clothes when the door opened, no knock, no warning.
My first thought was Seph coming to debrief, or Mephistral deciding personal space was a suggestion.
My hands were still tangled in the hem of my shirt when I registered it was Kearan in the doorway, and the set of his shoulders told me something had changed.
He had the look of a man who'd finished a calculation and landed on the answer he'd been avoiding.
"Hey," I said, which was not the right response to someone walking into my room unannounced Though I was secretly very pleased he'd come. "You going to stand in the door, or actually come in?"
He stepped inside and shut it behind him, controlled, like he'd rehearsed the moment a few times before he did it for real. The room felt smaller. He took up space in a way he usually went out of his way not to, always so careful to exist out of the way.
"I've been thinking about the bond," he said, even, clinical, the voice he used when he was processing through logic before he let it turn into feeling.
I pulled my shirt the rest of the way down and didn't reach for anything else. He'd already seen the scar under my collarbone where a demon had marked me, already knew the fault lines of everything that had tried to break me and missed.
"Okay," I said.
"I want him bonded first. I think he's coming to terms with what happened.
" He paused, his hands going to his sides like they didn't know where to land.
I'd learned that tell. It meant the next thing was going to cost him.
"But I've also been using it as cover. Telling myself I'm being strategic when what I'm actually doing is stalling, because the alternative to stalling is bonding with you, and that means admitting something I've spent the entire time pretending I don't feel. "
My breath caught. I didn't rush him. He wasn't finished and interrupting now would've been like yanking a thread he was in the middle of pulling loose.
"Terrified of what?" I said, even though I knew. I needed to hear him say it.
"Of losing myself once I become vulnerable with you," he said, the words fraying at the edges. "Of doing the same thing I did with Maren, except you'd be permanent. Written into my nervous system. And if something happened to you."
He stopped, jaw tight.
"You don't want to be hurt again," I finished. "You'd know exactly what it felt like to have me die."
His shoulders dropped. The relief of having it said out loud must have been enormous. "Yes."
"And then you told me I was wrong about what the team's silence meant," he went on.
"That I'd built years of hurt on top of misreading their quiet.
And I realized I'd done the same thing to you.
I've been reading your distance as rejection when it might've been something else.
Reading your quiet as proof I was right to hold back, when maybe you were just waiting for me to figure out I was allowed to stop. "
"I was," I said. "I've been waiting."
"I know. I figured it out. Finally."
He was close enough now that I could see how exhausted he was.
"I want to bond with you," he said, and his voice changed, softer, stripped of the clinical distance.
"Not because the situation demands it. Not because of the Hesolga.
Because I want you. Standing outside your room for weeks telling myself restraint was wisdom instead of cowardice has been the worst kind of exhausting.
I'm done pretending the reason I can't touch you is that I'm protecting you, when the truth is I've been protecting myself.
And I'm done protecting myself from you.
I'm in love with you, Parker. I'm terrified, and I'm going to do it anyway, because the alternative is spending whatever time we have left on the wrong side of a door I've already decided to walk through. "
My breath hitched. I couldn't help it.
I crossed to him because the distance had become unacceptable. His hands came up like he might catch me or shield himself, and ended up resting on my shoulders.
"Kearan," I said, because his name seemed important right then.
"Yeah."
His hands slid down my arms, light enough that it was almost worse than if he'd just pulled me in. Restraint of a different kind, him holding control while making it clear he wanted to lose it.
I reached up and tugged his sleeve up, baring the burn scar he always kept covered. The mark of him saving someone who'd used him and betrayed him. I traced the raised line of it.
"This is what you're afraid of," I said.
"Part of what I'm afraid of. Being this marked by someone. Carrying them in my skin the way I carry her."
"But you want to."
"I want to carry you that way. I want to know what you feel like in my own nervous system. All of it. Even the parts that terrify me. Especially those."
His other hand came up to my face, his thumb tracing my cheekbone, and the gentleness of it nearly undid me. I leaned into it and watched his eyes close for a second, like feeling me move into his space was almost too much to hold while also looking at me.
"When," I asked.
"Soon. We might want to wait until there's not some ancient demon trying to beat down the barrier. But after, I'm done waiting."
His hand slid to my neck. "Can I?"
"Yes," I said, before he could finish.
He lowered his head slow, giving me time to change my mind, and when his mouth met mine it was gentle, cautious, like he was still running the calculation about whether the timing was right.
I didn't let him retreat. I deepened it, and felt the moment his control stopped being something he held and became something he was fighting to keep.
When he pulled back, we were both breathing hard, his forehead against mine, his hands at my waist, gripping like letting go meant coming apart.
"This isn't a temporary thing," I said.
"It's permanent. As soon as it's sound to do it, I'm bonding with you, and we're not waiting anymore."
He kissed me again, more urgent this time, then his mouth found my neck and his hands tightened, and I felt how much it was costing him to stay in check.
"We should stop," he said against my skin, rough. "Before I lose the ability to keep a clear mind."
"We don't have to."
"We do. Because if we don't, I'll bond with you right here." He stepped back, and the effort it took him was visible. "This isn't no. This is me being responsible about something I want more than anything."
I nodded, because words felt impossible. He touched my face one more time.
"Soon," he said. "Not tonight. "
He was at the door when I found my voice. "Kearan. Thank you. For coming in and talking to me."
He smiled, and it reached his eyes in a way it usually didn't. "Yeah. Me too."
He left, his footsteps going down the hall, and I dropped onto my bed with my mind spinning.
I was still on the edge of my bed when the alarm went off. The klaxon. Full emergency, the sound that meant someone was actively breaking something that wasn't supposed to break.
My body moved before my brain caught up, grabbing my backpack and rushing for the door. I lived in a state of being ready for emergencies and evacuations.
My door opened without a knock. Twice in one night. Except this time Kearan was already in full crisis mode.
"Trux," he said. "The Hesolga is taking over."
"I'm coming."
"No." The word landed between us. "Stay here. I want you safe."
"That's not how this works.."
Kearan shook his head. "At some point he becomes a danger for all of us, including you. We have to keep you away from him."
He was gone before I could answer.
I stood there about two seconds before my brain caught up.
Kearan had come in, said all of it, kissed me like he meant every word, and then the Hesolga had picked that exact moment to break.
Which meant one of two things. Either it had catastrophically bad timing, or it had been triggered.
Zandia had already told us someone was intentionally causing Trux's deterioration, which made it entirely possible someone was triggering these explosions.
Whoever set this up understood the bond. They wanted all of this. I couldn't tell how much of it was intentionally directed or was just a result of cascading events.
Fuck that. Trux was my mate. No one was going to steal him away.