22. Baron #3
That didn’t help either. Even if she did decide she wanted to get back together, I didn’t want to be at her beck and call for the rest of my life.
I wouldn’t grovel every time she got angry.
I didn’t want her to believe I could be thrown away and retrieved whenever she pleased.
I was done being ignored. Maybe I would go on and find someone else.
Someone who wouldn’t cast me aside so easily.
Someone kinder, calmer, and more sensible.
Someone who didn’t throw water, steal coin purses, and pick locks.
I sighed again. I was kidding myself.
I had never once met another girl who was even a tenth as captivating as Laurel.
Of course I still cared about her. Of course I still loved her.
I couldn’t simply decide those feelings were inconvenient and put them on a shelf, never to be examined again.
I hated feeling like a slave to my emotions, but there it was.
Still, I could not be with someone who did not want me back. Although…James seemed to think there was still a glimmer of hope.
“Do you really think there’s a chance?” I asked.
The second the question left my mouth, I felt pathetic. I felt like a desperate child, eager to latch onto a fairytale, no matter how unrealistic. I wanted to retract the words, but it was too late.
James nodded solemnly. “Yes. Like I said, none of us ever saw Laurel behave the way she does with you. She may fight it because she doesn’t want to feel like she needs anyone, but she does need you.
She’ll realize that. Laurel is still young and doesn’t know how good she had it with you.
She wasn’t looking for just anyone, and it wasn’t for lack of options.
There were plenty of boys back in Sherwood Forest who made plays for her.
Little John’s son was rather aggressive about it.
Still is, actually. But she never paid them any attention. Not until you.”
I should have felt comforted, but instead, shame crawled back in.
James didn’t know all of my past. He didn’t know why Laurel had really come to my room, or what she had learned from Walter.
I didn’t know how to bring it up, and even if I had the words, I wasn’t ready to confess what I’d done to anyone else.
That was precisely why I had failed to tell Laurel everything in the first place.
Would James desert me just as quickly? I couldn’t lose one of the only friends I had left, so I said nothing about Walter or about the other men I had punished.
Instead, I said, “She thinks I only asked to join for her.”
“So what if you did?” James asked lightly.
I stared at him. What did he mean?
Wasn’t that exactly what everyone had warned me against?
The Merry Men had said constantly that they only wanted someone invested in the mission, not someone trailing after a girl like a lovesick puppy.
I’d spent months trying to prove I was not merely there because of Laurel, and now James sounded as though he didn’t care about my reasoning.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Dale never would have joined if Robin hadn’t helped him when he needed it.
Alan only joined because Dale is his brother.
I never planned to join at all. Then I chased Lincoln down after he picked my pocket, we ended up in Sherwood Forest, and somehow I never left.
” James shrugged. “Most of us didn’t go looking for the Merry Men.
It just happened. And once it did, we chose to stay. ”
Relief moved through me so suddenly that I had to lower my head.
Maybe I wasn’t as much of an outcast as I had thought.
Not everyone had sought out Robin Hood with noble intentions and a grand speech about justice.
Some had stumbled into the forest angry, hungry, indebted, lost, or following someone else.
The beginning was not the only thing that mattered.
James seemed to read the rest of my thoughts.
“We’re not going to throw you out,” he said.
“Your probation will end, just like it did for all of us, and you’ll be just as valuable a member as Laurel or Will or anyone else.
You already are. None of the rest of us could do what you’re doing right now.
We plan on keeping you around, whatever happens between you and Laurel, I promise. ”
For a moment, I couldn’t speak. I’d never had this experience before, sitting with a father figure who listened to my concerns without mocking me.
My problems remained—Laurel was still gone, might never forgive all of my past, and our mission was still dangerous.
But the weight on my chest had lessened slightly.
I had lost Laurel, but I hadn’t lost everyone.
James slapped his knees and stood. “I have to get going, and you need some sleep. If you want Laurel back, my advice is to show her you’re still invested in this mission whether or not you two are together. Show her that you aren’t only in this for her. I won’t say anything to her, all right?”
I rose to my feet as well. “Thanks, James.” He gave me a small nod, then I forced myself to say the rest before pride stopped me. “You’re a good friend.”
James’s expression softened. He clapped my shoulder, then turned and walked back into the cover of the forest. I stood alone in the clearing for a few moments after he disappeared. When I finally turned back toward the castle, I was breathing a little easier than when I had arrived.