Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The Ranch
The house was quiet when we got home. Declan and Bowman weren’t around.
I’d barely seen Bowman the last several days; just at breakfast and dinner.
During the day, he was with Declan, lending a hand wherever he was needed.
I spent time around the house, doing laundry and baking.
I made sure there were clean towels in the bathroom and the sheets were washed.
I remembered Bowman’s reaction when he’d first come into the house. It reminded me of his upbringing and the fact that clean sheets hadn’t always been a given. Now they were.
At night, my sleep was restless, knowing he was only steps away.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to cross the divide.
“I’m going for a ride,” Muddy said.
“Now?” I asked.
“I need it,” she said. “It’ll clear out the cobwebs.”
“I’ll ride with you,” Hadley said.
“You sure that’s a good idea?” Muddy asked. “Declan will give you hell.”
“My OB said it was fine since I’m an experienced rider. Goldie would never throw me,” Hadley said. “And I’ll handle Declan.”
“You want to go with us?” Muddy asked me.
I shook my head.
Muddy hugged me. “Thought so, but I wanted to extend the invitation anyway.”
The two of them went to the stables and I was left in solitude with my thoughts. I couldn’t decide if I wanted the leftover poutine in the fridge or a shower.
Shower.
I ran up the stairs into the shared bathroom between Hadley’s room and my own. I turned on the shower and then stripped out of my clothes.
The water was scalding and it turned my skin pink. I closed my eyes and let the heat envelop me. My breaths became short, rapid, and a lump of pain in my chest swelled. It shot up my throat and exploded from my mouth in a gruesome, horrifying noise I didn’t recognize.
It was violent and loud; an entity threatening to choke me.
It poured from my eyes.
It leapt from my heart.
Anguish, hurt, grief—years of it—came out now.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
It wasn’t quiet.
It wasn’t convenient.
But my body had had enough, holding onto pain and remorse that no longer served to protect me, but had instead been slowly killing me. And yet I’d been too obstinate to notice.
I was lost in a sea of memories; assaulted by them. Like bullets ripping through my flesh and exploding to cause even more pain inside me.
My hand clawed at my chest as if I could rip my heart from my skin and toss it away so it could no longer hurt me.
The door to the bathroom opened, but I paid it no mind, too lost in my own misery.
“Salem?”
A noise escaped my throat, like a dying animal writhing in pain, determined to live despite its life draining away.
The shower curtain pulled back and revealed Bowman. He tossed his cowboy hat onto the counter, and then without a moment’s hesitation, he climbed into the shower with me even though he was still fully clothed.
He closed the curtain, and then pulled me into his arms. My wet, naked, unadorned body pressed against the fabric of his shirt and jeans.
I balled my fists and began to beat against him, my red hair lashing my cheeks and neck as I made the most unhinged noises.
His arms tightened around me, but he didn’t shy away. He let me lose myself against him, like a flash flood battering its way through rocks.
Eventually, my anguish turned to whimpers.
He placed his hand on my head and pressed me deeper into the wall of his chest.
Awareness returned and my mind began to clear.
Embarrassment was the first emotion I registered. Horror that Bowman had witnessed my meltdown had me pushing against him in an attempt to flee.
He let me go.
But now I no longer had the protection of his body against mine. I hastily covered my breasts by crossing my arms.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his steely gray eyes searching mine.
I nodded.
He didn’t say anything else; he just kept looking at me. And then he pulled back the shower curtain and got out. A moment later, the door to the bathroom opened and closed again behind him.
I slid down into the tub and didn’t move for a long time.
“We talked about this,” Declan said.
“No, you talked, and I listened,” Hadley fired back.
Grimacing, I paused my descent on the staircase, but I forgot the second stair from the bottom squeaked. And apparently, it was loud enough to make Hadley and Declan stop arguing.
“Salem?” Hadley called.
I sighed, and then came down the stairs and into the den. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Please interrupt,” Hadley said.
Declan raked a hand through his hair, and then looked at me. “Maybe you can talk to her. She’s not hearing me.”
He stalked from the den and Hadley called after him, “I love you!”
“I love you too!”
The door shut, leaving me alone with my twin.
She sighed.
“Was that about you riding horses?” I asked.
“No, actually, it wasn’t.” She bit her lip.
“What was it about then?”
“Can we talk while we make dinner?” she asked. “I promised Muddy we’d take care of it.”
“Where is Muddy?”
“With Lucy, drinking in the back of General Merc, if I had to guess.”
“She earned it,” I said. “Have you seen Bowman?”
She shook her head. “Why?”
“Just curious,” I lied. “I don’t want to get interrupted while we’re talking.”
More like I didn’t want to face him after he’d seen me stripped down to my marrow.
“You snap the peas,” she said. “I’ll take care of the trout. Thankfully, Wade already gutted them for me.”
“Your ex-boyfriend is bringing you fish?” I asked. “Is that like an Idaho mating ritual or something?”
“Oh, please. He and his dad limit out every time they go. They went fishing today and did it again, so they were giving them away this time. And you haven’t met Wade’s girlfriend yet, have you?” She opened the butcher paper and revealed several trout, still with their heads on.
“No.”
“She’s nice. They seem happy.”
“Well, good.” I got a colander and the peas and went to the sink. “Start talking.”
“I asked Declan to push back the wedding.”
“What? Seriously? But Dad’s awake. And if all goes well, he’ll be a couple weeks into recovery by the time the wedding happens.”
“Yeah. But he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle. Or do the father-daughter dance,” she said, looking at me. “You think I’m stupid.”
“Did I say anything?”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Hey.” I turned off the faucet and dried my hands on a dish towel. “It’s not wrong to want to have the wedding of your dreams, but . . .”
“But what?”
I gestured to her belly. “You kind of put the cart before the horse anyway. Did you think your wedding was going to be completely traditional?”
Hadley grinned. “No. I guess not.”
“Hads?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t know how long Dad’s recovery is going to take. You want to wait six months? A year? For what? He’s going to be at the wedding. That’s the miracle. That’s the blessing.”
Her eyes filled with tears.
“Damn it,” I muttered, dragging my sister into an embrace. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“Well, you did, you idiot.”
I laughed, but then sobered and pulled back so I could look at her. “Mom isn’t here to see you in your dress or watch you eat cake and dance with your husband. But Dad is. There’s no promise of tomorrow, and he wouldn’t want you to postpone.”
She sniffed. “Of course he wouldn’t.”
I patted her arm. “Go tell Declan I talked sense into you.”
“He would’ve done it, you know? Postponed it because I asked.”
“I know.” I nodded. “He’s a good man.”
“The best,” she agreed. “I hope you find one too.”
I picked up a trout and held it close to my face and made a kissing noise. “I found a perfect one right here.”