Chapter Fourteen #2
Birdie’s stomach clenched. Dammit. She couldn’t believe she had said that out loud. Except she had, and now Alexis was staring at her like she’d grown a second head.
“I didn’t mean—” Birdie stammered, heat rushing up her neck. “I have no idea why I asked that. I’m sorry.”
“I can’t believe this,” Alexis started, leaning back. And for one heart-stopping moment, Birdie thought she was about to stand up and leave. She couldn’t let that happen. Absolutely not.
And so, she curled her fingers tighter at Alexis’s hips and said, “I’m really sorry.”
“Why would you even bring it up?”
Birdie opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again. What could she possibly say that wouldn’t ruin the moment completely? Not that Birdie had a chance to consider it because suddenly, footsteps moved fast down the hallway.
“Shit,” Birdie hissed. “Someone’s coming.” She slid her hands to Alexis’s hips and lifted her up off her lap. The heat between them disappeared so fast Birdie could’ve sworn she had imagined it. She then jumped to her feet, grabbed Alexis’s hand, and tugged her across the room.
By the time the footsteps stopped, they had both slipped into the ensuite bathroom. Birdie shut the door as quietly as humanly possible and pressed her back flat against it.
“What the hell are—”
But Alexis’s words were cut off by the sound of the bedroom door opening and Bianca’s voice ringing across the room. “Birdie!” she called. “Are you in the bathroom?”
For a split second, she considered staying dead silent, just holding her breath until Bianca went away, but she knew Bianca would check the bathroom, and the lock on the door was way too loud and clunky to risk giving them away.
“Yes,” Birdie called back, turning her head to speak to the door. “I’m stuck on the toilet. My stomach isn’t agreeing with the shrimp tarts.”
“Umm… gross,” Bianca said. She paused and then added, “If you see Alexis, tell her Vivian is looking for her.”
“Will do!” Birdie called back.
“And crack a window, will you?”
A few short moments later, the bedroom door clicked shut again. Birdie waited for one second, two, five before she finally pushed herself away from the door and let out a breath.
And that was when she saw Alexis.
The bachelorette was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, her elbows braced on her thighs, her chin resting on her fists. The soft light from the ceiling caught the slope of her shoulders, and for the first time, Alexis looked so small and so sad that Birdie felt a pang in her chest.
“I don’t know why I did it,” Alexis said softly, not looking at her.
It took a moment for Birdie to catch up and to realize what Alexis was talking about.
“Looking back on it now, I can’t think of a single logical reason why I thought it was a good idea to do that to Skye,” she went on, staring unblinkingly at the bathroom tiles.
“I wasn’t thinking clearly. I got caught up in the whole competition.
I think I just wanted to…” she let out a breath, which fell into the room soft like a feather.
“Win, I guess. I wanted to be better than everyone else. I didn’t want to go back to Portland a failure. ”
“You shouldn’t beat yourself up over it,” Birdie said, because frankly, she had no idea what else to say.
Just like she had no idea why she had even brought up the whole thing.
The past was in the past, just like Albert Einstein once said: ‘Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.’
Alexis looked up and her blue eyes held tightly onto Birdie’s. “I have to. If I don’t beat myself up about it, I can’t take accountability for it. And I have to take accountability.”
Birdie nodded slowly. “I get that. But maybe there’s a line between accountability and self-torture.”
“It’s not that simple.” Alexis dropped her gaze back to the tiles.
“Maybe it is,” Birdie said, stepping one foot forward.
There was just too much distance between them, but frankly, Birdie wasn’t sure how to close the gap without scaring Alexis.
Vulnerable people scared easily, and right now Alexis was like a tiny baby bird in a motherless nest. “Maybe you just have to forgive yourself.”
“I’m not the only one who needs to forgive me.”
“Skye hasn’t yet?”
“She has,” Alexis nodded. “But the world hasn’t.
I still get vile DMs. People who don’t know me but think they do are telling me what a horrible person I am.
Which is why this season has to be different.
” She dropped both arms and gripped the edge of the tub.
“It’s funny. I don’t even recognize that person anymore.
I literally lost myself in a silly competition. ”
Birdie smiled faintly. “Well, if it makes you feel any better. I don’t see the woman you were last season either.” Not that Birdie had even watched the last season. It just felt like the right thing to say.
Alexis snorted. But at least she was beginning to look and sound more like herself. She pushed herself off the bathtub’s edge and raked her fingers through her hair. “Well, we should probably get back to the party. I can’t imagine what Vivian wants from me.”
Birdie nodded, not that she was happy about it. She wanted to stay. She wanted to talk. Hell, things didn’t even have to escalate beyond kissing. She just wanted to spend some time with Alexis without the cameras and the other contestants lurking. Without the pressure.
But then, she should’ve thought of that before she brought up the whole blackmail thing.