Chapter 18
“Tom, how good it is to see you.” Lavender’s smile was a treasure, to say nothing of the way she looked in a ball gown. It accentuated her beauty like the stars accentuated the sky. The way Miriam had insisted she needed him had him worried, but she seemed well enough off.
He’d been at the kitchen worktable with a heel of bread and a slice of cheese, finally able to be off his feet after a long day.
The staff hadn’t anticipated the arrival of the trio for hours yet.
But then Miriam had warned Thomas that Lady Lavender had had a night of it.
What could have happened in so short a time?
Not only that, Miriam had also whispered that he’d better not make a mess of things.
Did she suspect his feelings for Lady Lavender?
And if she did, did that mean she approved of the idea?
Samuel jumped from the swing mid-flight and walked over to the pair of them. “I give my full approval on the swing. Good work, Tom.” He looked over at Lavender. “I’ll leave you now. You are in good hands.”
Thomas felt a rush of heat in his chest. If only he was allowed to hold her, he would. But surely there would come a time when he could do so without putting everyone here in danger. He pushed the thought aside.
Lavender smiled, but Thomas could see that there was trouble behind her eyes. “I told His Grace that you could push him on the swing,” she said, “but he said he could do it all on his own.”
Samuel, who had already begun his retreat from the garden, called over his shoulder, “The day I need someone to push me in a swing will be the day I’m dead.”
They both laughed as he walked further away.
“Would you like a push instead?” Thomas asked Lady Lavender.
“Yes, I believe I would.” She settled herself comfortably onto the swing facing Thomas, her back to Samuel.
Thomas looked over her shoulder where Samuel was trying to tell him something by holding his stomach and acting as if he’d been sick. Thomas couldn’t puzzle out the meaning. He shook his head and looked back at Lady Lavender.
“What brought you home from the ball so early? It was Lord Chilcott’s ball, was it not?” To be quite honest, he was thrilled with the prospect of her leaving the baron’s ball early. The less time she spent with him, the better.
“I . . .” she took a deep breath, “Well, I escaped to the library.”
Thomas felt his eyebrows lift on his forehead. He hadn’t expected that. “And is it a library you would approve of?”
Lady Lavender chuckled a little. “For a home in London, it would do. I would expect the library at his county seat to be far larger.”
“You’re probably correct.” At least, Thomas’s library in Kent was far larger than the collection of books he kept in his own London residence.
He hadn’t been in Lord Chilcott’s library, but he suddenly wanted to know the dimensions of it and how many books it boasted.
Then Thomas would double it for his own home.
“So, has his impressive library changed your mind about the baron?”
Lady Lavender shuddered. “Definitely not.”
Thomas itched to know the cause of her discomfort. “And why is that?”
She was quiet for the space of three swings. “When he is close to me, it makes me feel like spiders have taken up residence on my skin.”
“And why was he close to you tonight?” Thomas ground out. He knew it was a ball, it was likely that they were just dancing together, but something deep within him hated the idea.
“It was Lord Chilcott who found me in the library,” Lady Lavender admitted.
Thomas stopped pushing the swing. “And he was too close to you?”
Lady Lavender’s shoulders drooped. “Well, we were the only two in the room. When I tried to leave—”
“I’m going to wring his neck,” Thomas muttered under his breath.
“What?”
“Nothing. When you tried to leave . . . what happened?” He tried his best to keep his voice level—concerned but not upset.
“He just kept touching me. My arm, my back. Nothing overtly inappropriate, but I still wanted to leave as soon as possible. So I ran and told Miriam I was sick.”
Thomas was sick himself just imagining the scene. When he had the ability to face his cousin again, it seemed like he’d be right back to his old habits. A round of fisticuffs might assuage a portion of his anger at the moment.
It had been a wise move of hers to claim she was sick. So that was what Samuel had been trying to communicate to Thomas with his gestures before he left. “How did you come to find yourself in the library?”
She shook her head side to side. “I needed some space to clear my head.”
Thomas slowly stopped the swing. “That’s not the whole of it.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “No, it’s not.” She blinked back her emotion. “I thought I had been making friends this Season, but I feel like I am letting people down. Miss Dalrymple made that perfectly clear tonight.”
Thomas didn’t have many friends, so he didn’t feel like he was the best person to offer advice.
“I’m sorry you feel that way. Only, I don’t believe that’s how friendship works.
” He thought about Jack and how the boy had accepted him with all his insufficiencies, and about Samuel with complete trust in him even though everyone else seemed to think he was guilty.
“Mind you, I’m not an expert at the concept.
” Only weeks ago, he’d been surrounded by so called friends.
But he highly doubted any of them were worried over his missing status.
They might be curious, perhaps even a little bored without some of his antics when he was in his cups, but not concerned.
He felt differently about Jack. Even with his hands bandaged and hurting, Jack would help Thomas if he needed it, he was certain of that.
Any time Thomas felt his load becoming too heavy, Jack would make some ridiculous comment about an animal or a fish that didn’t make a lick of sense, and it would make Thomas smile.
The work didn’t seem so terrible after that.
And Samuel would likely face all of parliament to stand beside Thomas.
Perhaps he did have good friends after all.
Thomas blinked to clear the stinging at the back of his eyes. “Who do you feel is a good friend to you?”
Lady Lavender opened her mouth, closed it again, and shook her head.
“I feel so stupid. I have you, and Miriam, and Samuel, and Jack, and Henry. I have my family and my nieces. I don’t deserve the army of people I have been blessed with.
But no one here needs me. Miriam and Samuel are fine without me, as is everyone at this estate.
I feel so useless. I’m not helping my father because I am not succeeding in my search for a match.
I’m not helping ease Ash’s burden of taking on an earldom by remaining unwed.
If I’m not helping someone, what is my purpose? ”
Thomas extended his hands to Lady Lavender, and she took them.
He pulled her to her feet and led her to their bench.
Kneeling in front of her, he brought her gloved hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it.
It was just like the first time he’d seen her.
There she was, the most angelic vision he’d ever seen, and his pulse was thrumming wildly.
“You help me, Lady Lavender. More than you know.”
She smiled at him and patted the bench. “I only give you more work to do every day. If I wasn’t here, you’d be better rested.”
“That isn’t precisely true. If you weren’t here, I’d still be searching tirelessly for a reason to believe in myself. Your trust in me has made me feel . . .” He clamped his mouth shut. He couldn’t declare himself to her. He was just Tom Smith right now. A servant. A nobody. And she deserved more.
“I wish things were different.”
He chuckled. “That makes two of us.”
A rush of pink tinged Lady Lavender’s cheeks, and she leaned toward him. “I know you were born a gentleman: is there hope of you regaining that status one day?”
“What if there was?” Did he dare believe he knew her heart? She’d told him she didn’t want love. And yet, he was certain that anything less than earning her heart would break him into a thousand tiny fragments.
“If there was hope for that, I’d have to ask you to stop attending me in the garden. I’ve resolved not to fall in love, and you would make that difficult.”
“Lady Lavender, I—”
“No, don’t say anything, please. It will only make it harder for me.
” She clenched her hands together in her lap.
“If you care for me, that would be dangerous for both of us. If you don’t, I can’t feel the sting of rejection again so soon.
I might not ever recover,” she whispered.
Then she stood and brushed her ball gown.
If he cared for her? Of course he did. And if it weren’t for his nasty cousin’s continued claim of treason, Thomas would be able to keep all of Lady Lavender’s concerns at bay at once.
But he would bow to her wishes for now and keep his feelings close to his own heart.
Only, he couldn’t let her leave without saying something.
“Fenleigh has an incredible library,” Thomas blurted out. He hardly knew what he was saying, but he had to put in a good word for himself while she was thinking about her prospects.
“What?”
“The lost duke—his library is incredible. And he’s kind. I just . . . if he’s found . . . I think you should give him a chance.”
He saw the confusion and hurt on her face, but he didn’t understand it fully.
Her smile was full of disappointment. “Goodnight, Tom.”
He watched her walk back to the house, knowing full well that he’d butchered the evening. If she was falling in love with Tom, he had to leave. He had to give her a reason to fall in love with the Duke of Fenleigh. And he couldn’t do it soon enough.
Samuel and Miriam were already embroiled in trying to discover information to clear Thomas’s name, but who else could he enlist to aid him?
How much could he trust Jack? Would the boy help him, or would he tell Lord Chilcott for a small fortune?
Even if he did share it, the worst that could happen was that Thomas would be found and forced to rejoin society in his proper place. It seemed worth the risk.