Chapter 24
Thomas went back to gardening with a level of enthusiasm he knew was odd.
But he’d missed the work. He missed it enough over the past week that he’d been considering doing the gardening at his own home when he had the chance.
It would be frowned upon. But he was a duke.
If he wanted to pull weeds, who was going to stop him?
His gardener probably.
He kicked the trunk of the tree and wrestled with the idea that no matter what life he wanted, he would always be wondering if he would be happier somewhere else.
He’d struggled with the idea ever since his father died.
He’d learned the hard way that although his father was a powerful man, he wasn’t liked.
He didn’t have friends. He had everything and yet, nothing that mattered.
When Thomas realized he was following in those precise footsteps, that was when he’d turned to gambling, and when that didn’t provide him the thrill he expected from his life, he’d turned to drink.
But all that had done for him was give him years’ worth of headaches.
It was liberating to think clearly and be proud of what he’d done.
Even if what he’d done was simply weed a garden.
Would that sense of accomplishment dim when he rejoined society?
He was determined that he would fill his time with more meaningful pursuits: earning Lady Lavender’s love if she wasn’t already claimed and fighting for the proper schooling of the lower classes being his first items of business.
He knew that changing the minds of those who were in power was an uphill battle, but he wanted to be a part of it.
He went back to his weeding, pulling out weed after weed and tossing them into his growing pile.
Finding his own sense of purpose and joy would probably feel similar to weeding.
Constantly finding the things in his life that sucked energy from him and others and then replacing it with something that built up instead.
He’d done that amongst his staff years ago, and now he felt he’d already weeded out his most hurtful habit—that of drinking—the effort was worth the payoff.
Jack sauntered up to him. “Well if it isn’t my servant come back from the dead.”
“Ha ha,” Thomas said as he dug his shovel into the dirt again. “How are your hands? You didn’t overwork while I was sick, did you?”
Jack held up his hands. There were still patches of pink skin, but there was no more puss or blood leaking from his joints. “I’m good as a new baby frog.”
Thomas shook his head and chuckled at his absurdity. “Glad to hear it. Did you practice your reading?”
Jack crouched down beside Thomas. “Are you my father or my mother? Because my father would have told me to toughen up a long time ago, and my mother would have told me to make sure I sing myself to sleep to keep the bad dreams away.” He looked into Thomas’s eyes.
“You’re a mother. I wouldn’t have guessed that on our first day together. ”
“Just because I worry about you doesn’t mean I’m a mother.”
Jack stole the hat from Thomas’s head and put it over his own unruly curls. “Don’t worry, mum. I behaved myself while you were gone.”
Thomas swiped his leg around and tripped Jack so that he fell beside him. “I can be a father, too. And don’t you forget it.”
Jack laughed. “What an upside-down world we live in. Here I am training both my parents how to do their jobs.”
“Upside down sounds right to me,” Thomas agreed.
“Did you just trip Jack?” a female voice called.
Thomas tamped down his emotions and looked at the ground. “I’m sorry, Lady Lavender.”
He watched the ground as her delicate kid slippers stepped right up to him. “Did he deserve it, Tom?” she whispered.
“I deserved it,” Jack hooted with laughter. “Don’t mind us.”
Thomas felt like his tongue was glued to the back of his throat.
“Tom, I need to be in the garden tonight. I expect you to accompany me. I have some matters to settle.”
Jack hopped up from the ground. “Sounds like you’re in trouble,” he mock-whispered and then ran back to the house.
“Won’t Lord Chilcott be available?” Thomas hated that his voice had a hint of accusation in it.
“Goodness, I hope not.” she shuddered. Then she set her hand on his arm. “I want it to be you.” He looked up to see her eyes pleading at him, and guilt ate at his chest.
“I lose either way in this argument, my lady. If I come, I hurt you, and now you are telling me that if I don’t, I also hurt you.
It’s not fair to ask it of me. The last thing I want is for you to be in pain.
” He clenched his teeth together and gripped his shovel with renewed strength to resist the urge to reach out and take her in his arms.
“What if I am not afraid of getting hurt?”
He looked away from her. “You would change your mind in time. But, I am at your command. I will be here tonight.”
“Thank you, Tom.” She shifted her weight.
Thomas backed away. “I need to keep working. The weeds have crept up the past week.” He turned from her and moved up the path until he turned a corner.
Then he crouched down and stuck his small shovel into the dirt, straining his ears until he could hear her retreating footsteps.
How was he supposed to be a gentleman and a servant?
The two roles were not the same in the least. He sat on the soft dirt and pushed his hands into the soil, breathing deeply.
He could do this. Samuel and Miriam were doing everything they could to clear his name. All he needed to do was wait.
Nothing had ever seemed so impossible.
Thomas followed Lady Lavender’s form out to the garden after he’d wolfed down as much stew as he could.
He regretted the move now—he was nervous enough that the whole lot of it might end up coming back out unceremoniously.
He caught up to Lady Lavender as she sat on the swing. “Would you like a push, my lady?”
Her sigh was heavy, as if a mountain were laid across her shoulders. “That sounds wonderful, Tom.”
His hands went to her waist, and he pushed her gently, afraid that too much exertion might break her.
She wasn’t a fragile woman, but she seemed like one at the moment.
All he wanted to do was to pick her up from the swing and hold her in his arms. He wanted to bury his face in her wild curls and take in her lavender scent.
Maybe if he held her long enough, he could mend whatever was breaking inside of her.
But instead, he only imagined those things and sufficed to allow himself to touch her back and waist each time she swung toward him.
Torture. This is what it would feel like if Thomas didn’t make it to heaven one day, he was sure of it, the feeling of being so close and yet impossibly far from achieving his hopes.
Maybe he should just try to get used to this feeling.
The chances of him making it to heaven were not good.
Not with how much of his time he’d wasted.
“I visited the Duke of Fenleigh’s library while we were away,” she said in the darkness.
Thomas’s heart pounded. “And . . .”
She looked at him over her shoulder. “You were right, it was the most beautiful place I’ve ever been.”
He smiled like a fool. “I am glad to hear it.”
“So, how can I find evidence that the Duke of Fenleigh is innocent? As soon as I do, I can rid myself of Lord Chilcott.”
Thomas’s mind struggled to follow her thinking. “Are you motivated by proving the duke’s innocence or to be free of the baron?”
“Both, of course.”
“And to what end?”
Lavender stopped the swing and walked around it until she was only a hand’s width from him.
She put her hand on his heart and warmed the part of his soul he’d unknowingly allowed to freeze this past week.
“My parents are relying on me, and I can help them by marrying. I admit, I would like to avoid Lord Chilcott if I can.” She blinked back tears.
“I may not be able to help things between me and you, but at least I could help them if I have the power to do so.”
Samuel’s words rushed into Thomas’s mind.
I don’t think she knows how to live if she isn’t being useful to someone at all times.
The problem was, Thomas didn’t want her to have to work for his happiness or for her parents’.
He wanted her to think of her own future for two heartbeats and realize that her own happiness mattered.
But who was he fooling? In her eyes, he’d pushed her away when he’d suggested she would make a match with Lord Fenleigh—for her own protection, but still.
She must be so disappointed in what she knew were his feelings for her.
As much as he wished for a life with her, it would take too long for him to become the type of man she deserved.
Far longer than the month or so she was determined to marry within.
It wasn’t fair: he’d finally found a lady who he cared for, and she cared for him in return despite his title and fortune, and she was out of his reach.
He supposed he was getting what he deserved after the waste of a life he’d lived. He wasn’t good enough for a lady like Lavender. A woman whose whole life had been to make others around her happy. Thomas was selfish. All he ever wanted would be her.
“Tom,” her voice interrupted his thoughts. “What is causing you so much turmoil?”
He placed his hand over hers. “You.” He pressed her hand harder into his pounding chest. “This heart—it beats for you. And I cannot ask you to make it better. I don’t want you to change it.
” He brought his other hand up to cup the soft skin of her cheek.
“I just want you to know that I see you, Lady Lavender, and although I cannot declare myself right now, this heart will always belong to you.”
She raised onto her toes and tugged him toward her with her free hand. “I love you, Tom Smith.”
Thomas’s heart broke and then soared to the sky with her words. She loved Tom Smith, but could she ever love Thomas Monteclare? Uncertainty filled him as he rested his forehead on hers, breathing in her calming floral scent.
“Kiss me, Tom. Please?”
Her words made his pulse hammer all the more. But if he was going to try to be a better man, he had to stand his ground on this. He would not take advantage of her. “I cannot do that to either of us. I will never recover.”
He felt her slowly sink down from her toes. The wisps of air between them taunted him, begging him to give in to her request. “Forgive me.” He placed a kiss on her forehead and lingered a moment too long before he pulled away.
He held her eyes with his gaze and saw the rejection she felt staring back at him. But there was hope there as well. It seemed he was not the only one of them at war within.