Episode 6 #3
Rei turned around when Sevastyan’s phone dinged in the middle of the movie.
Sevastyan sat on the couch, legs spread, lounging against the cushions.
Rei was on the floor with Lisa, his smaller body almost on top of Lisa’s.
If only he were heavy enough and large enough to make Lisa feel safe.
Instead, all he could do was hold on, knowing that if Lisa truly asked, he’d hand him back the knife.
While Rei had Sevastyan, Lisa had nothing but Alexi.
There was no hope for a day when everything ended.
Not . . . in any way Rei wanted to articulate even in the darkness of his own head.
But he couldn’t stop the images from forming, even if he refused to think the words.
“It’s nothing,” Sevastyan said, sliding the phone back into his pocket.
Rei bent his head in acknowledgement and turned back to the movie. It was all he could do for the moment, get lost in the story playing out on the large screen.
Sevastyan offered Rei bits of dried fruit, cheese, and pickles by turns. He didn’t offer any to Lisa, passing down a full plate instead. There was something like relief in Lisa’s body as he accepted.
Rei let his breath move slowly in his chest. This night was good. He was going to let it keep being good. He was going to stay in this place in his head that was good.
It helped that the food was delicious. Lisa was eating. Lisa was letting Rei feed him from the plate even, taking bits of fruit and cheese from his fingers. Every time Rei offered, Lisa opened his mouth. These were all good things.
With any other master, Rei and Lisa would be taking their lives in their hands just doing this much.
He could see it in Lisa’s eyes. But Lisa was ready to end it all.
He was throwing in the towel. Had been throwing in the towel since the moment he fell into the snow, hoping Rei would find him.
Now that he knew he was only damning himself—that Sevastyan wouldn’t make Rei pay for his affection—Lisa was no longer holding back.
Suicide by a different name. None of them were saying the words, but they were dancing on the edge of the knowing. The rope holding them all up was fraying. They couldn’t hang here, clinging to what they had, much longer.
Rei closed his eyes. This moment was good. But the next moment and the moment after that, they were all shades of black and gray. And red.
They couldn’t stay here. They had to change the path. The answer was right in front of them, but they had to take it.
Sevastyan
The movie ended. Rei turned around on his knees and leaned against Sevastyan’s knee. “May I be excused, Master?”
“Toilet?” Sevastyan said.
“Yes, master.”
Sevastyan ran his hands through Rei’s hair. It was getting long. He should cut it soon, or decide to let it grow out.
“Go ahead and shower now,” Sevastyan murmured. “Take your time, do everything.”
“Yes, Master.”
Sevastyan drew Rei up, caressing his face. “Beautiful.”
Rei leaned into the touch. He appeared more grounded than before.
The food and the movie had been the right choice.
Some of the life that going out had brought to Rei’s eyes had returned since finding Lisa in the bathroom.
Sevastyan pressed a kiss to Rei’s cheek and let him go.
Rei glided away, slender legs moving like the dancer he was over the carpet and wood floors into the bedroom.
Lisa stayed where he was on the floor, still facing the TV.
Sevastyan sipped cordial from his wineglass and waited.
The other man was close. His body had moved nearer and nearer to Sevastyan’s throughout the evening.
The tightness in Lisa’s form had gradually faded during the film.
It was back now, returning as soon as Rei disappeared.
Sevastyan lowered the base of his glass to his leg and waited. Now and then he took another sip. Lisa was as skittish as his namesake, the fox. Now and then he was so still he could not be breathing, and then he would draw in air again.
When the slave moved, it was sudden. He turned, landing on his knees between Sevastyan’s feet, his hands gripping the couch cushion between Sevastyan’s thighs. He bent his head, forehead against his hands, showing Sevastyan the back of his neck.
Sevastyan gave Lisa a heartbeat, then two. He leaned forward and set his wineglass on the table. Then he settled his hand on the back of Lisa’s neck, giving it weight but nothing else.
Lisa shuddered. He moved, adjusting his knees, gripping and releasing the cushion of the coach so that the fabric pulled back and forth beneath Sevastyan’s thighs.
His breath stuttered and caught. Sevastyan let his own breath come slow and even.
Lisa’s shoulders shook, the muscles over his back tightening and releasing.
He was crying.
Sevastyan threaded the fingers of his other hand through Lisa’s hair, his elbows resting on his knees. He stroked the other man’s scalp slowly, never raising the hand on the back of Lisa’s neck.
The water in the shower in the other room started to run.
Lisa turned his head to the side. “I hate myself.”
Sevastyan’s fingers tightened, gripping Lisa’s hair. They both stilled. Now and then Lisa drew in a shattered breath, breathing through the tears.
“I hate that I want this. I hate that I’m letting you touch me. I hate that I need you to.”
Sevastyan released his fingers, going back to stroking. He drew his knees in, holding Lisa’s too thin form upright, protecting him. Lisa released the couch cushion with one hand and gripped at Sevastyan’s pant leg.
A dark crack ran through Sevastyan’s chest. There was no physical wound, no reason his sternum should feel marked as if hit with a battle ax and yet the pain was still there.
He had been no different from Lisa, clinging to something that hurt him, except Anton and Raska had been less honest than Alexi and the slave masters that had ruined Lisa’s existence.
Lisa was a Pre-Raphaelite painting, beautiful even as he lay dying, every tear not a mere incident of happenstance but an essay on living. In his destruction, he was choosing beauty, choosing connection, loving Rei with the last of his air. Even choosing the facade of Sevastyan’s benevolence.
“You’re like Alexi,” Lisa whispered. “You’re right and you’re also wrong.
You give and yet I know you’re going to take away.
You’re going to make me love you because it hurts too much to not love you.
Because not loving you is too confusing.
Because it hurts inside my head when you show me kindness and I have to remember you’re a demon.
I want to forget you’re wrong. I want to believe it will be like this forever, the three of us: the benevolent king, his knight, and his angel. ”
Lisa buried his face against the couch again, his body shaking. Tears gathered in Sevastyan’s eyes. He blinked them away. He couldn’t let them fall, couldn’t let Lisa see.
Lisa lifted his head, still not looking at Sevastyan directly, not trying to get away from the hand on the back of his neck. “You win. You can have me.”
Sevastyan hauled Lisa off the floor and into his lap, wrapping his arms around the other man, crushing him against his chest. He tucked Lisa’s head against his neck and shoulder, holding him in place so he couldn’t see Sevastyan’s face.
He couldn’t speak because his throat was thick with everything that couldn’t be said.
Lisa curled up small against Sevastyan chest, too small for a man of his size. By degrees, his body loosened, held in place only by Sevastyan’s grip. His head slipped down Sevastyan’s shoulder.
He was asleep.
Sevastyan cradled him, staring at the nothingness on the TV.
Rei
Lisa was asleep in bed, the covers pulled over his shoulders when Rei finished his shower and skincare.
Rei pressed a kiss to Lisa’s forehead and went out to the living room.
Sevastyan was on his computer. Rei started clearing away the dishes, sensing his master’s wish for silence.
He was in the kitchen washing up when Sevastyan glided in on bare feet.
Rei turned towards him, bowing his head. “Master.”
“Your phone.”
Rei reached into his pocket and handed it over. His master unlocked it with the passcode and navigated to the contacts. There were only two numbers in the list. Sevastyan started to type in a third. He finished and handed the phone back. His hand was shaking. He wasn’t looking at Rei.
“Master?”
“If you can’t reach me, and you see something happening on the cameras, movement against your friend, or . . . yourself, that number will reach Ellisandre Sollunae. Their personal phone. Sollunae is worth more than the entire police force of the city.”
Rei looked down at his phone, stunned. “Master.” He had an idea of what kind of person Ellisandre Sollunae was from his research on Jun’s new circle of friends. Calling them in was like breaking every vow of separation from the outer world.
Sevastyan turned and walked away.
Rei watched him go and then stared at the number on the screen.
Ellisandre Sollunae.
Why did his master’s voice crack when he said their name, as if he could barely breathe?
Why did it feel like Sevastyan was planning for his death? Sevastyan didn’t have the right. He wasn’t allowed to die. Not before Rei.
He waited in bed until Sevastyan joined Lisa in sleep and then slipped out of Sevastyan’s arms and back to the living room. Across the coffee table, he spread a map of the world, then knelt in front of it with a pencil in one hand and his laptop beside him.
There was a floating frame of a plan in his mind. There were bridges to be crossed, but if they never tried, they would be no different from Anton.