Chapter 35
Carter
We're only about thirty minutes into our three-and-a-half-hour drive back home, and Ash is already asleep in the passenger seat.
Zeke packed a hoodie, thankfully, so she doesn't have to sit in a blood-soaked shirt for the next few hours.
Tonight did not turn out how we hoped it would, but that's at least one more problem off the list. Alex said the clean-up was easy, regardless of the mess, and Ezra swiped Popov’s phone and tablet.
I'll run it through my analysis software overnight, but I really don't think it'll get us anywhere.
“Does the dog really need her own seat?” Ezra complains from the back, and I roll my eyes.
Daisy is sitting between him and Chris in the full, third-row bench.
So, most likely, there’s plenty of room and he’s just whining.
I know she's a big dog, but I didn't want to risk putting her in the trunk and getting hurt. He's just going to have to suck it up.
“Yes. She needs to be close by in case Ash needs her,” Alex answers for me.
“She needs a damn bath!” Ezra whines.
“Hey,” Zeke snaps and whips his head around to look at him. “Shut the fuck up. If you wake Ashia, I'll break your nose. She’s just a dog. Deal with it.”
“Well, why don't you sit back here with her, then?”
“Why don't you come sit on my lap instead, big boy?” Zeke taunts, and I can't help but laugh as I try to ping-pong my gaze between them and the road.
“See? That statement right there is why we all question your sexuality,” Ezra points out.
“What's there to question? A hole is a hole. I'm not choosey.”
“Isn't that right, Alex?” Chris chuckles.
“Oh, fuck off!” Alex yells back.
“Alright. All of you, shut the hell up and let Ashia sleep,” I say back to them and turn back to the road for the final time.
We’re far away enough now that there’s nothing but trees and pavement.
While it’s a nice ride, I need to make sure a deer doesn’t jut out in front of us.
The last thing I need is my mom up my ass for ruining her van.
It feels weird driving this thing around like we’re a bunch of soccer dads about to sneak beer into the banquet, but Ash had a good point when it came to being inconspicuous.
Zeke reaches forward and grabs the water bottle and bag of grapes from her sleeping hands.
She doesn’t even twitch as he pulls it away.
We’ve all noticed how exhausted she’s been, but Alex said it was clear tonight that she’s at her breaking point.
She looked like a wreck when she got in the van.
I’m just glad she’s getting some rest now.
We’ve been trying to take care of her, but I swear she’s just as stubborn as Damien is when it comes to their own well-being.
“How much did she eat?” I ask him.
“Enough for now. I think we should let her sleep as long as we can.
I don't have anything to check her vitals with, but I know her blood pressure was up before we left,” Zeke replies, and I leave it at that.
The three of us have been talking for a few days now about making her take a step back.
I'm glad Zeke convinced her to somehow. We knew she would put up a fight, but it's necessary.
Not only for her and the baby, but for us as well.
We’ll be able to move a little more freely while she’s sitting out—that may sound terrible, but it’s the truth.
We’ve been so cautious about how to handle things and where to go because of her pregnancy that it’ll be nice to just do it.
I’m sure all Zeke needs is a wave of a green flag, and he’ll run headfirst into battle.
He’s been so enraptured with taking care of Ash that I know he’s dying to blow off some real steam.
Before D went missing, I really thought we were going to have to chain Zeke up to keep him from going ballistic.
But now, maybe it’s time to let the bear out of his cage.
I’m still looking into Sahara, and while I’m almost positive that Kade is clean, I can’t say so much for the others.
I haven’t found anything concrete, so it’s not like I have anything to report, but as soon as I can, I’m going to have a serious discussion with Kade about what really happened before they came here.
“Okay, so what's next?” Ezra asks, and I meet his gaze in the rearview mirror.
“Nothing yet. We're going to take Ash home, let Alex get back to spend some time with Trina, and then we'll regroup tomorrow once the analysis on these devices comes back.” The van turns silent again, and for these assholes, that's concerning. We all feel disappointed. Damien means so much to us all, and I know the rest of the guys miss him as much as we do. Things just aren’t the same without him. He’s the heart and soul of what we do.
The Attic is empty without him—especially after seeing him so happy these past few months.
It was exciting to see him finally get the life he wanted.
After all of his ‘love is bullshit’ talk for years, he found Ash, and it was like he was finally complete.
Before we realized how dangerous of a threat we were actually dealing with, things just flowed smoothly.
I kind of miss those days. It was easier when it was just our guys, and the things we were handling seem so miniscule compared to now.
As I continue to drive quietly, I can't help but let the memories collide with the present.
The past few years fly through my mind as quickly as the trees around us, and only one thing comes to the top.
I miss Henry.
He would know what to do, or exactly what to say.
If he were here for all of this bullshit, we probably would’ve found Damien weeks ago.
Damien and Henry used to work so well together that sometimes, they didn’t even need to speak.
They used to be on such a similar wavelength that we could hardly tell the difference between commands.
Losing him was the first of many changes, but his death definitely hit us the hardest. Now that Damien is gone, it's stirring it all back up, and I know the rest of the team can feel it. Even Zeke has mentioned him a few times recently, and that’s shocking for him.
“We're going to get D back, right?” Chris asks in a solemn tone, breaking my train of thought.
“Of course we are. What kind of fucking question is that?” Zeke angrily asks.
“I just… It doesn't seem like we have much to go off of. You guys have been searching for him for weeks. What if—”
“We may not have much, but we don't let that stop us either,” Alex retorts irritably. “We get D back. No matter what. Got it?”
“Got it,” Chris replies without hesitation and sulks in the chair. I hate how he doesn’t look convinced. His gaze drifts to the window, and as he looks outside with a blank stare, I know he’s as deep in thought as we are.
“Ezra? You cool with helping the three of us out for a while?” I look in the rearview again to meet his stare.
“Yeah, man. Whatever you guys need.”
“I can help, too,” Chris speaks up and turns his attention forward once more, but before I can answer him, Zeke chimes in.
“No, fuck you. You’re grounded. No more big-boy missions for you.”
“What?! Why the hell not?!” Chris argues.
“What do you mean why? ‘We’re going to get Damien back, right?’” Zeke mocks him in a high-pitched voice as he tilts his head from side to side. Laughter charges up my throat and I almost lose it. “Doubters don’t get special missions.”
“Oh, fuck you, Zeke.”
“Bend over, half-sack,” he retorts back.
“Jesus Christ, enough,” I interject and look at Ezra again.
Zeke just chuckles, and Chris looks like he’s actually pouting.
He better hide that expression before Zeke twists it to his advantage.
“Ash is going to take a step back and focus on the baby.
So, I'm probably going to appoint you to her detail every few days. You’ll need to stay by her side at all times until one of us relieves you.
She doesn't need to let this overwhelm her anymore,” I direct at Ezra again.
“Yeah. You got it.” He nods his head and relaxes against the seat, giving into Daisy’s presence. It seems that even she is sick of his shit, though, because she scoots a little closer to Chris before she lies down.
My phone buzzes in the middle console, and I can't help but groan when I see Serena’s name light up the screen.
She’s so frustrating. I’ve never felt such conflicting emotions just by reading someone’s name.
On one hand, I don’t want her to talk at all.
I’m sick of arguing with her, and I’m tired of her pretending like if she talks enough about random topics, it’ll somehow fix us without actually discussing anything.
On the other hand, I want to hear her speak.
I want to hear that rare occasion when her voice gets soft, and I want to feel the pins and needles I get when she teases me.
When she talks with that little edge in her voice, it makes me so fucking hard.
That attitude of hers is going to get her into serious trouble one day, and I’m not sure if I should spank her or gag her when it does.
I could do both, but I know that’s more of a kink for her than a punishment, so I should really start thinking of other ideas.
Reluctantly, I bring the phone up to my ear and speak quietly.
“What's up, Ser?”
“Hey. I'm sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to check on Ash. She hasn’t been answering her phone.” Her voice comes through soft and sweet, as if she had just woken up. It is really late, so I'm assuming she dozed off.
“Oh, she's asleep,” I answer her. “You might want to check her out when we get back, though. Zeke said that he could tell her vitals were elevated again.”
“Okay, I'll be ready for her. I talked to her doctor earlier, and when we go back in for her next appointment, she's going to prescribe her some medication to help, too. How did it go?” she asks curiously, but hesitantly, like she's afraid to talk to me.
We're both in this weird space where we can’t just be around each other.
I either want to hold her, strangle her, or fuck her at all times.
Sometimes, all of the above, but I don't know how she feels anymore.
Occasionally, she'll still look at me with adoring eyes and say something nice before flipping her bitch-switch to ‘on.’
I don't want to tell her anything that would spook her. The last time she heard that Ash killed someone in a fit of rage, she ghosted us. I shouldn't give a single fuck if she vanishes again or not, but the thought bothers me more than I expected it to. She can’t get away so easily. I haven’t heard her beg for forgiveness while she’s on her knees, and I haven’t forced her to chant my name when she’s too overstimulated to speak clearly.
Would she really think it would be that easy again?
Does she think she could walk away from me a second time?
I'll never let her.
“Not like we had hoped.” I keep it vague, not quite ready to test the theory.
I glance back in the rearview mirror, catching Zeke’s gaze, and his devilish smirk tells me everything I need to know.
He understands exactly what’s going through my head right now, and as I narrow my eyes to warn him about minding his own damn business, his grin only deepens.
I never wanted to hit him until his ‘is that an invitation’ remark.
“Are…” She pauses, and when I think I hear her sniffle, I grip the steering wheel a little tighter. I force my gaze back on the road and put all my focus on her. Maybe she didn't just wake up. What are the chances she's been awake this entire time, thinking of me? Don't be stupid. “Are you okay?”
Jesus Christ, she still has me completely tangled in her webs. She makes that one little noise, and what? I go back to being the lost little puppy that would've followed her anywhere?
“I keep telling you that I'm fine, Serena,” I say quietly, knowing that the others are listening.
“I know you keep saying that, but I'm worried about you, Carter.
You're working way too hard,” she says sweetly, like she's actually concerned and not just trying to lure me back in. I should be smarter than this. Just when I thought I was starting to reinforce the wall I’ve built to block her out, she starts to chip it away with no effort at all.
“Says the nurse working eighty-hour weeks,” I retort playfully, but she obviously doesn’t take it that way. She huffs like the comment immediately annoys her.
“Hey, I'm still on leave, fuck you very much.”
Aaannnddd there's that attitude.
“Okay. Great talk.” Before I can pull my phone away, she sighs.
“Carter, come on. I'm sorry. I just…” She pauses again, and I remain the sucker that waits. “I want to make sure you're alright, too, and you're not giving me much to work with. I get that I messed up, but…” Her voice fades to whisper so soft now that I can barely hear it.
I soak in her sudden silence, feeling like a complete asshole when I know I shouldn’t.
How does she do that? I've never met anyone who could snap my strength like a twig.
No one has been able to make me feel as bad as she does.
She's the one that ran the moment things felt real.
It was her that pretended like what we had didn't matter, but now she's sad?
God, I'm a sap. She has me looking in so many directions, and somehow, she's in all of them at once. She’s my house of mirrors, and she’ll continue to taunt me until I either find my way out or accept my fate in limbo.
“We'll talk later, okay? You're still at the Attic, right?” I break.
“Yeah, I'm in the Bat Cave.”
She is? She's in my office? Out of all the places in that big ass building, she chose to relax in my domain? Fuck me.
“Alright, we'll pick you up in about three hours. If Ash wakes up, I'll tell her to call you and tell you what’s going on.” I keep it vague once again.
“Okay. Thanks, Carter,” she says in that soft voice again, and I have to hang up before I give in completely.