Family Meeting
LAURE: SO?
Chance: You’re just going to text that to all of us and leave it hanging?
Laure: Not ALL of us. Who is missing from this thread, little brother. Think.
Sal: He can’t. His brain is mush from all that adoration coming his way. This is the thread ABOUT Reg. Chance, as the sibling closest in age to Reg, can you tell us, perchance, IS HE GOING TO GET LAID SOON?
Chance: Oh my God—why would you put it like that? He’s falling in love! Have some sensitivity!
Sal: I… I got nothing. Somebody come talk sense into this child.
Dean: No, no—I’ve seen the way he looks at Anthony. It’s really disgusting. Must be love.
Val: And you’re an expert now that you’re finally moved in with the doctor of your dreams?
Dean: AHERM….
Prock: You’re both disgusting. But as a fellow sufferer, I’m pleased to tell you there is no cure. Why are we dragging Reg into our misery again?
Chance: Because he’s lonely. And Anthony is a good guy.
Laure: Which brings us back to SO?????
Chance: I can’t explain it, but Anthony thinks it’s a good thing. You explain it, Anthony.
#####: He asked me if I was coming over this weekend instead of the other way around.
Sal: Wait a minute, Chancellor—YOU PUT HIM IN OUR THREAD?
Laure: Hold on a sec…. Okay, Anthony, your name will come up now.
Chance: Yes, I put him in our thread. He’s Val’s stepson—he’s practically family.
Val: OMFG YOU DID NOT JUST!!!!!!
Anthony: Wow, kid, you just made it weird.
Dean: And I too am uncomfortable.
Chance: I hear it now—can we just say he’s in the loop?
Laure: Quite literally, yes. Anthony, you are now in the loop of Royal siblings who are NOT Reg. If you like, we can add you into Royal siblings who are not Val—trust me, that too is a fun-filled extravaganza.
Sal: But not nearly as much fun as Royal siblings who are not Laure—we can talk about penises in that one.
Anthony: And apparently in this one, only the assholes can talk.
….
….
….
….
….
Laure: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Anthony, you’re totally welcome in all the loops. Now tell us about this “He asked me,” thing, because knowing Reg, that’s a bigger deal than it sounds.
Anthony: It is! But it’s… well, not a secret, and not a big thing, but it’s something you all don’t know about, and I’m not sure I want to give that away—
Val: Okay, for starters, there is NO THING we don’t know about.
Laure: You don’t understand—especially about Reg—the last time he kept secrets he ALMOST DIED because his secret was a double ear infection and pneumonia.
Sal: Yeah, I’m on the grown-up side here—what’s the secret?
Dean: I don’t remember the pneumonia, but the last secret *I* knew about was unregistered black market electronics equipment in Mom and Dad’s den.
Prock, Val, Laure, Sal: I’m sorry, whut?
Anthony: You know about that?
Dean: Bailey told me. How did you all think Reg found Marcus, Bird, and me in the desert?
Chance: Luck.
Sal: You little shit. You didn’t tell us?
Chance: We had OTHER THINGS to worry about, did we not? Dean almost DIED!
Sal: Don’t get touchy, Junior—my respect for you grew three sizes today. Anything else we should know about?
Anthony: Just throwing this out there—Chance brought home a ball python named Muffin before he left for school, and it immediately escaped.
Reg thinks it’s in the underground passageway linking the SCIF in the den to the mother-in-law cottage where Bailey’s dad lives now, but we didn’t want to alarm anybody.
Chance: MUFFIN!
Laure: Muffin?
Dean: OMG! Did you tell Marcus? Remember he lives in the basement now!
Sal: You know, I did not see that coming. Prock, did you?
Prock: Is the snake okay? Seriously—I love snakes. Is the snake okay?
Side Channel: Anthony and Val
Val: I won’t point out to the others that you just threw Chance and his snake under the house to avoid telling us Reg’s secret.
Anthony: Please, Val? I get that you worry—I can see why. But he’s got so very little that’s his own.
Val: No, I get it. And I’m rooting for you here, kid. But don’t forget.
Anthony: Forget what?
Val: It doesn’t matter how or why, but if Reg’s secret comes back to bite Reg on the ass, YOU WILL ASK US ALL FOR HELP. Because we do that for each other. You’ve seen it in action.
Anthony: Understood, Val.
Val: Is there really a secret underground passage under the house?
Anthony: Yes—it’s about three times as wide as a coffin and three feet high. And the concrete sweats where it skirts the swimming pool.
Val: Absolutely no good can come of that.
Anthony: Reg lined it with electric lanterns and packed in supplies and a portajohn in case we have to start an underground railroad for people escaping wrongful prosecution and imprisonment from the government.
Val: I stand corrected. Welcome to the family, kid. Take care of our boy.
Anthony: Yessir. I’ll try.