14. Knee-Jerk #4
Truth be told, for the most part, I’m fine now. My stomach is a bit queasy still, and my head is still reeling. Mostly, though, I’m just tired from the shock and getting sick.
“Yeah, he got a little too close for comfort, so I kneed him and left. After that, I got sick, and Natasha helped me home,” I explained briefly, knowing that eventually Qi will drag as many details out of me as possible, but I just want to relax a minute before I relive it all again.
“All part of being Qiang’s personal therapist,” Natasha teases while looking over at Qi. “You must be the little brother Qiang talks about so much.”
Qi gives Natasha a funny look. “You’re Qiang’s personal therapist?”
And I close my eyes with more regret because I’ve been so focused on the bullshit events of today that I didn’t even realize Natasha is revealing a lie I’ve been spoon-feeding Qi for over four years. Shit
I vaguely hear Natasha’s amused chuckle when she responds to Qi’s inquiry. I mean, I had time to stop her from telling Qi the truth, but at this point, Qi’s not stupid enough to not put everything together anyway.
“I mean, they call me that, but I’m not an actual therapist, just a close friend with good ears,” Natasha says.
Qi frowns at her before turning to me with accusing eyes as she confirms that the therapist I told him I’ve been seeing for years to help me deal with all this shit was just a friend and not an actual professional.
“You’ve been lying to me?” he asks me with more confusion than anger because even though he’s figured it out, I think he’s still trying to fathom that I’ve been actively lying to him.
“And that sounds an awful lot like my cue to take off,” Natasha says awkwardly.
“Qiang, rest up, and call me if you need me to come around and crush some balls. Actually, call me anyway to let me know you’re still good.
Qi, pleasure to meet you, just try and remember your sibling has had a rough day, so maybe don't be too harsh on them,” she says quickly while grabbing her bag and making a hasty exit.
I swallow at the loud silence she leaves behind, then look at Qi. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Then what was it like?”
I heave out a sigh, my brain going foggy from everything being way too much all at once. “I just… I tried in the beginning, you know. But everyone I went to wanted me to– it doesn’t matter; it just wasn’t working. It was making me feel worse, so I just dealt with it on my own.”
“You mean like you did today?” he asks sardonically. “I mean, you kneed him in the balls, so progress, but you’re also laid up after having done so. So do you really feel like it’s been nicely dealt with and squared away?” he points out.
“I… it was a shock, is all. I’ll be fine, Qi,” I respond, not offering an argument in my favor at all because I know I don’t have one.
Qi sighs and plops down on the bed beside me.
“Qiang. It worries me. It worries me that he’s here and that you’re this affected.
Like I knew there was no way he wouldn’t affect you on some level, and I knew there was still some shit going on inside your head because you refuse to move on to anyone new, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.
And of course it’s this bad if you haven’t even worked on it at all. ”
I roll my eyes because I know he cares, but I have mostly dealt with it. I’m able to keep it tucked away most of the time; today was just a really nasty shock.
“I have, though. I just said that I dealt with it.”
Qi frowns. “How did you deal with it, Qiang? By throwing it in a corner and ignoring it. Avoid anything that reminded you it was there. News flash, until you actively put it in the waste bin and take it out, it’s never going to leave your head; it’s just going to sit there in that corner and take up space,” he says with frustration.
I don’t know why, because nothing he said was wrong or even overtly mean or angry, but after everything today, having him be disappointed in me at all is the final straw that knocks my control over my emotions out of my hands.
Tears flood my eyes and fall, and I curl up as everything starts to wash over me.
Without a word, Qi wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me up against him to soothe me.
“Aren’t you mad at me?” I barely sniffle out through a steady stream of tears.
He reaches up, and his fingers start brushing through my hair. “Yes, but that’s because I love you. Pisses me off that you’re hurting yourself and don’t even realize it, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna leave you here to cry on your own.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I cry out, hugging him tighter, like I’m afraid he’ll realize it and leave me here to spiral on my own.
Instead, he reaches up and flicks my nose.
Hard. As if I’m not already crying hard enough.
“The biggest problem you have, Qiang, is that you honestly believe that, and you’re so wrong.
You deserve all the good things. You always have,” he says resiliently, and it’s with the same storge he’s always had for me.
Even in anger, that idolizing tone he’s always had for me hasn’t wavered.