Chapter 33
There’sa moment in your life so crystal clear that it’s undeniable; it’s the moment you become an adult. For me, it was the day my father died. It was the day I realized my mother wasn’t strong enough to handle the hardships we all had to live through, and that I was on my own.
Maybe I was too hard on her. I didn’t know what it was like for her or for Rach, losing their husbands, losing the love of their lives.
Children lose parents. It’s a rite of passage. It’s natural, no matter how grueling it is to live through. There’s nothing you can do to prepare for it. There’s no blueprint on how to get through it. You just put one foot in front of the other and take one breath after another. And one day, it’s the anniversary of his death or his birthday, and it doesn’t hurt quite as much as it used to. It never goes away completely, but instead becomes bearable because it has to become bearable. Otherwise, you’d just stay the sad curled up crying mess on the floor.
After I got home, I kicked off my heels and laid on the couch. I covered myself with a blanket, including my head, and cried.
I cried for myself. I cried for those children I’d only recently met. I cried for the Old Ladies, who didn’t know how to mourn their friend because of their guilt. I cried for the cruelty of a world I didn’t understand.
My phone rang, but it was in my clutch by the door. I had no interest in getting up to see who was calling. Not even when it rang repeatedly.
It was only when there was a knock on the front door and I heard Bones yelling out that I realized I had to get up.
“Duchess, open the door or I’m gonna kick it in!” he shouted.
I flung off the wool blanket and sat up, but aside from that, it was too hard to move.
“Duchess! I’m giving you until the count of ten. One, two…”
I forced myself to rise and then I padded to the front door. I unlocked it and opened it.
Bones stopped mid count. His eyes swept over me, lingering on my face. “Duchess?”
I flung myself into his arms, the tears coming fast and hard.
He wrapped me in his strong embrace while we stood in the foyer, the front door open for everyone to see what was going on inside.
“I miss my dad,” I whispered.
His arms tightened around me. He backed us up just enough so that he could close the door.
“I talked to Rach and Logan,” he said into my hair.
“You did?” I hiccoughed.
“Well, they talked to me, actually.”
I paused. “They told you what I said, didn’t they?”
“Yeah, they did.” He released me and pulled back so he could grasp my face in his hands and drew my attention to him. “What do you need? Tell me what you need and I’ll get it for you. Do you want me to call Charlie? Are you sure you don’t want some sort of sugary dessert? I hear that helps.”
“I don’t need—I have everything I want right here.” I turned my head ever so slightly so I could kiss his palm.
He dropped his hands.
“Any news from the hospital?” I asked.
“Cam is out of surgery. He’s stable, but still unconscious. His leg was badly broken but they’re saying the surgery went well. He should be awake soon. They’re slowly weaning Lily off the drugs used to keep her in a coma, but she still hasn’t woken up yet. She had a punctured lung and they had to put her out until she could be stabilized.”
I churned over the information and nodded. “The club? The Old Ladies?”
“A fucking mess. Some of them aren’t even on speaking terms at the moment.”
“I said some pretty awful things to Logan and Rach,” I admitted. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re not speaking to me either.”
“They came and told me what went down. I think you underestimate them.”
“I guess I underestimate everyone,” I murmured.
“Tell me about your father,” he said.
“The biggest heart you can imagine. Always willing to lend a hand or stop for someone in need. His smile lit up his entire face.”
“I’m sorry I never got the chance to meet him.”
I looked up at him. “I’m sorry too.”
And I was. Bones might not have been the man I thought I’d want, but he was the man I needed. And the way he cared for me…my father cared for my mother the same way. Bones and my father were cut from the same cloth, even if they walked different paths in life.
“Some days, the grief is hardly there,” I said softly. “Like an annoying toothache that won’t bother you much if you don’t touch it. Other days, it’s like a heavy, wet blanket that makes it hard to get out of bed.”
“How many days is it the annoying toothache versus the wet blanket?”
I thought about his question. “Most days it’s like the toothache. Today it’s the wet blanket. The wedding was supposed to be this joyous, beautiful celebration. Darcy’s death turned it into a tragedy.”
“Hmm.”
“You don’t think it was a tragedy?”
“Of course it’s a tragedy. But it’s also a reminder. Live your life. Be happy. Because one day, it all ends.”
Be happy.
“If only it were that easy.” I waved him toward the living room. “We don’t have to keep standing here in the doorway having an existential crisis.”
“But it’s so fun,” he mocked.
I rolled my eyes. “Fun. Right. Sometimes it would be nice to be able to turn my brain off.”
“Good luck with that.”
I ran my hands up and down my arms. “I can’t get warm.”
“Take a hot shower,” Bones said. “I’ll make you tea and turn on the fireplace.”
“It’s fifty degrees outside,” I remarked.
“But if you’re cold, you’re cold.”
“Okay.”
“God, I wish you didn’t look so haunted. It’s killing me, Duchess.”
“I’ll be okay. I just need some time.” I headed for the stairs.
Twenty minutes later, scrubbed free of makeup and hair product, I was dressed in a pair of sweats and a thick sweatshirt.
Bones had turned on the gas fireplace and he was sitting on the couch. He set his phone down as I walked into the room. He looked comfortable in my space. He’d removed his leather cut and rolled up the sleeves of his button down.
“Cam’s awake,” he said. “I just got the call.”
“Lily?”
He shook his head.
I sighed and took the seat next to him.
“You want some tea?”
“No.”
He settled the blanket on top of me and then wrapped an arm around me.
“You want to watch one of your comfort movies? Sabrina the remake, with Julia Ormond and Harrison Ford?”
I looked at him. “How did you know about that?”
“I saw your Netflix queue.”
I smiled. “Oh.” I buried my head against his chest. “No, I don’t want to watch a comfort movie. Even though that is a good one. Way lighter than the original.”
“You want to sit here in silence and let me hold you?”
I closed my eyes. “Yeah, I’d like that.”