Chapter 31
Riley
If I have to bite one more nail while waiting here, I’ll be left with none.
Arnie, Dom, and a horse have been locked in the barn for the past thirty minutes.
Arnie called him in a panic after some random person dropped off a hurt horse.
It took them working as a team to get the horse in the barn, and I don’t know what’s going on. I refuse to go in there.
And they’re not coming out.
And I’m losing it.
I don’t know what’s going on, and I just want the horse to be fine, but I also don’t want them to get hurt. Horses are majestic creatures, truly. They form a bond with their people in a way few animals do. But we know nothing about this one. And he’s hurt. And I’m truly worried about them.
I refuse to go in. There are too many memories I refuse to relive vividly, which is what will happen if I step foot in the place where I used to feel more at home than anywhere else.
Dom strides out of the barn, head low, heading my way.
“How is he?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know, and we can’t get anyone out here today. The vet isn’t in town. I don’t know enough to help, and Arnie is doing what he can, but he’s weak. We might have to wait and assess in the morning.”
He might not make it to the morning. And leaving him alone in that state is not feasible.
“Is Arnie planning on staying?” I ask, covering my chest with my arms. When Dom got the call, I jumped in the truck with him without even thinking about the fact that I was wearing my jammies.
He narrows his eyes at me, taking off his hoodie and handing it to me without uttering a word about it. “That’s what I was coming out here to talk to you about. He says he is, but I don’t feel good about leaving him here. But you should head back. Do you want me to take you?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to go.”
It feels wrong.
There’s no way I’m stepping food in that barn, and even if I could, I can't help. I’d feel so useless at the cabin by myself, though, worrying about the two of them. If only—
Oh, shit.
Saylor.
“I think there’s someone I can call,” I say, grabbing my phone resting on top of the driver’s seat and sending the text I never thought I would need to send. I hope to God she can find some forgiveness and help.
She did.
She came. She said she couldn’t do much, but she would come take a look, and she’s in there with the horse.
Or the mare, I should say, according to Saylor. I didn’t even pay attention. I used to be able to tell so much about a horse in minutes. I could hear their heartbeat as my own after a simple touch, and now, all I see is failure and lost dreams.
“She kicked you out?” I ask Dom, who’s stepping out of the barn again.
She told me very clearly only Arnie was allowed to stay with her, but Dom stubborn Diaz wanted to try either way.
Saylor might be quiet and reserved, the opposite of how she presents herself—black and white duotone hair, septum pierced, and eyeliner that makes her blue eyes reach your soul—but she also has a commanding tone you can’t ignore.
He chuckles. “Yeah. She’s feisty.”
I smile softly but don’t say anything about that. “Thanks for the hoodie.”
“You sure you don’t want to head back? This might take all night.”
“I’m good. Are you going back?”
He shakes his head.
“Then I’m staying too.” I yawn, because only my body would betray me like this. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t think you know the definition of fine.”
I have to fight the urge to respond with yes, daddy. The knowing man he is, he says, “Go ahead, say it.”
I play dumb. “Say what?” I smile for the first time in hours, loving that this is the effect he has on me. It feels so easy to be around him, to smile around him, to be myself because he doesn’t judge and thinks I’m beautiful. He thinks my mess is too.
“Never mind.” He looks back, straight into the barn.
The sounds coming from it are a lot less chaotic than they were a while ago.
He steps around me, climbing into the bed of his truck, opening a toolbox and pulling out something that looks like a blanket.
He hops down, carrying the blanket and allurement with every stride.
He grabs my hand, catching me off guard as he leads us to a spot of grass by the barn doors.
He lays a couple of the blankets down and sits, patting the spot next to him and inviting me to do the same. “If we’re gonna spend the night out here, we might as well get comfortable.”
See? Another thing I love about this man. He respects my choices. Why is it so easy with him when he doesn’t want us to be more than just a fling?
“What’s the story with your friend?” he asks, pointing at the barn with his thumb before placing his arm on top of his propped up knee.
“She’s not really my friend.” I lower my tone and mutter, “At least, not anymore.”
He waits for me to continue, giving me space to pick a road and commit to it, but without forcing me there. Nothing makes me want to share more than the space he gives for me to be the one to decide.
“We used to be inseparable. She’s a little older than me, but we trained together.” I throw my head back with theatrics but continue. “Barrel racing.”
He nods, narrowing his eyes, but he doesn’t ask anything.
“We grew up in the shadow of the other, both really good at it. Her because it’s in her blood—her mom used to race too—and me because it kept both my brain and body occupied. It was the saving grace my parents needed for me.” I rest my head on his shoulder.
“I remember the long summer afternoons at the practice pen behind the barn. We didn’t do what other kids our age would do in other places, but out here, it was a lot to do outside, and horses were our thing.
We started with ponies, spending hours carving circles around three rusted 55-gallon oil drums, and by the time we hit our teens, the ponies were replaced by horses with fire in their lungs.
It was the time of our lives. When Mom died, I went through my grief there.
The horses were my best company, and so was Saylor. ”
“She seems like a good friend.”
I nod. “She is.” Was until I fucked it up. “Losing my parents changed me, and although I started by taking it out on myself, at some point, I started pushing everyone away. Saylor was older, so she had more opportunities in the arena than me, and I was jealous. Happy for her but jealous…and then.”
I let out a breath. This is going to change the way he feels about me, so do I actually want to tell him?
He must sense the hesitation. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
“I just don’t want you to change your opinion of me.” I’m laying my heart wide open for this man here, and I hope he takes care of it.
“Nothing could.”
“It’s messy.”
“Remember when I told you I could handle wild horses?”
I nod, smiling, remembering how his hands were on my wrist as he pinned me against the hay. With the heat I feel rising up my cheeks, he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“I can handle your mess, Firefly.” He squeezes my hand.
“Her house burned. They lost almost everything, and all I kept thinking about was how I might have a chance to travel to the rodeo next. Not knowing that even if I was wishing to go, my chances would be none, because my father would die. I was so mad, and I took it out on her. She lost her house and material things, but her family was closer than ever. She had everything I wanted, and I was a shitty person.”
“Riley.” The way he says my name is like a caress to my soul, wrapping me up in a warm embrace I don’t want to let go of just with his tone.
“To make it worse? I pushed her away. She thought she did something wrong, and I just let her think it. And now, I know I was mostly punishing myself, but back then, I hurt her.”
Thinking back on that time, I can see how fucked up I was from the pain of losing everything I had. My life got turned upside down, and I took it out on the people who loved me the most.
“I would tell Lilly I had practice and go hang out anywhere but here. Saylor’s older brother started finding me in random places, which, looking back, was kinda creepy, but he was older and edgy, and you know what that does to teen girls.”
“You have a thing for older men, Riley Banks?” he sasses.
“Oh my God, you’re insufferable.”
We chuckle, realizing what he did there. Got me out of my head real quick.
“I think she thought we were sneaking around her back or something, that I was with him instead of being her friend. She found us kissing behind one of the panels before her race, at her first event after her house fire, and it cemented it for her.
“Except, it wasn’t like that. We kissed that once, and I actually hated it. I realized that what I liked about him was that he reminded me of Saylor, and I missed my friend.”
I exhale, letting the memories free, saying them out loud for the first time ever.
“I went to see her before her first race, and she was so angry. I tried to talk to her, and she told me I could go talk to Hawke. It hurt me, obviously, but I wanted to explain. She didn’t let me, and I didn’t blame her.
She was furious, and when she went out, she fell going around her first barrel and landed on her head. ”
He sucks in a breath, taking my hand in his, a silent I’m here if I’ve ever seen one.
“It was my fault. She got really hurt, and it was all my fault. I didn’t mean it. I wanted her to have it. The win, the success, all of it. I would take it all back if I could.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Saylor says from somewhere near me. I turn to find her standing over me, features softened.
“Saylor, I—”
Dom squeezes my hand again. “I’ll leave you to it.” He gets up, stepping into the barn and leaving us.
“It was,” I say as she sits in the spot Dom left for her. “I was a shitty friend, and I hurt you on purpose. Then you got hurt physically, and your career ended, and it was all me.”
She shakes her head. “It wasn’t. Yes, I was mad at you, but not for the reason you think.
I thought you only used me to get to him.
It wouldn’t have been the first time someone tried to get close to me to get to Hawke, and you knew that, so it hurt worse, but it had nothing to do with you. It was my saddle.”
Her saddle? “What?”
She nods. “I girthed the saddle wrong, even before all of that happened. On that first turn, it twisted, and I lost my footing. It was an accident. It happens.”
“But—” I can’t even finish, because but what?
She didn’t shut me out after I dropped the ball because I lost one more thing.
And then, she was in the hospital and some rehab, and I went to college, and now, here we are.
So much time lost and wasted on what? A misunderstanding and pettiness over not reaching out first?
“That’s why I told you it was all good the other day. I mean, you were all I had, and you did leave me. That felt like absolute shit.”
I open my mouth to say sorry, but she continues, “I was mad. And hurt. And alone, and you disappeared.”
“I thought it was my fault, Saylor. All of it. I just couldn’t take one more thing. I was also young and dumb. But I am sorry. I shouldn’t have. I should’ve said something sooner. This whole thing could’ve been dealt with if I just faced my fears and talked to you.”
She brushes her black and white hair off her face, blinking her piercing blue eyes at me, nodding.
“I get it. I’m sorry, I know it was a while ago, and I have had time to think about everything, but Riley, if I would’ve known you have been blaming yourself this whole time, I would have reached out too.
It’s not all on you. And again, I meant it the other day.
I wasn’t being sarcastic. Shit happens. I didn’t know you thought it was your fault, and neither of us reached out. ”
She opens her arms, knowing damn well I want to throw myself at her, which I obviously do. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” she says, hugging me tightly.
“No, but really. I was shitty and didn’t know what to do with all the sads that inundated me all the damn time. I hate this for us and for me, and I’m sorry. I promise I won’t take your friendship for granted an—”
“Breathe, Riley. I’m okay. You apologized, I apologized, we can agree we were both young and just irrational and emotional.
I’m glad we cleared the air.” She taps my shoulder, her signal to let go of her, and I respect it.
We smile at each other as she adds, “I’m glad you called tonight.
She’s going to be fine, but the doc will be here in the morning to see her. ”
“Thank you. Really.”
“Now…” Her smile is devious now.
“What’s up with him?” She points at the barn, where Dominic disappeared behind the doors. I can’t ignore the way my body comes to life at the simple mention of him, and she can see it all over me.
There’s no point in lying, so I let out a breath as she says, “Spill. I want all the tea.”