Chapter 39 #2
“I didn’t lie to you,” I reply.
“That’s the thing, Dom. You either lied to me when you pretended to have feelings for me, listened to my darkest moments and my biggest joys, pushed me to be the best version of myself, took care of me…
” She lets the words hang heavy in the air.
“Or, you lied to me when you told me the only reason you wanted to be near me was to get a good fuck and get it out of your system.”
This sunshine girl full of fire inside sparks a love for life itself I’ve never experienced.
“You’re right.” There’s no reason for me to beat around the bush. “I did lie to you.”
“Thank you!”
“But not for the reasons you think.” I’ll respect her space, but that doesn’t stop me from resting my back against the wall and relaxing my face into a smile. I’m trying to show her the parts of me I keep hidden from everyone else—just like she did with me.
“I didn’t know I was lying when I said we were getting it out of our systems, so in a way, I was telling the truth. At least, the one I knew, the one wrapped in fear with a push you away bow.”
She mimics my pose, doing the same against the wall but not dropping her hands. I kind of like that she’s not turning into Jell-O at my words. I want her to take them in, let them simmer, before reacting in any way.
“If I would’ve been honest with myself first, I would have told you that you scare me shitless. I’ve never felt the way I do when I’m around you—out of my mind afraid you’d leave, or worse, that I won’t be enough for you to stay and to keep alive that flame you so brightly share with the world.”
“So you decided making me feel disposable would be better somehow?”
My heart stops beating with that blow.
“That’s not what I meant to do, and I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. I was trying to protect you, even if I hurt you in the end.”
“You did,” she replies, her hands leaving the comfort of her chest to wrap around her arms instead.
“And I won’t ever forgive myself for it.” I reach for her, but she sidesteps away from me. Damn it, okay. “I’m still not sure I’ll ever be enough for you, but I’m willing to try. I’m willing to work to be the man you deserve.”
“What makes you think you’re not? And for the love of every bird that sings in the morning, don’t tell me age. Age is just a construct.”
“Five years ago, I would’ve gone to jail for doing what we did.”
“We didn’t meet five years ago. I’m a completely different person now than I was back then. Aren’t you?”
That’s the understatement of a century. I was a shell of a human, leftovers of who I was always meant to become. “You’re right.”
“I know I am, just like I’m right to be pissed off at you.”
“You’re right about that too, but I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I’m sorry I did. Believe that.”
I study her expressions as an academic would. She could be angry, frustrated, sad, or annoyed; I wouldn’t be able to tell, because the mask she put over her face is three inches deep.
“What do you want, Riley?” I ask the question I should’ve from day one. “Other than being happy and feeling valued. We’ve exhausted those.”
She drops my gaze, stacking her feet on top of each other. “I don’t know.”
I take the leap again, stepping forward and sliding my index finger under her chin, willing her to look at me. “I won’t judge, but I want to know. I know you don’t owe me anything, but could you answer that question for me? No matter what the answer is.”
She pulls her inner lower lip between her teeth, chewing ever so softly.
“Tell me,” I whisper, my breath caressing her lips.
“I want to feel the way I felt two weeks ago, before everything imploded.”
“And what is that?” I ask, demanding a truth I shouldn’t be privy to but one I desperately need.
“Like I had a purpose. Finally.” She breathes out, fear coating her eyes as they bounce between mine, searching for comfort.
“I love it here, and for once, it felt like things were going right. I was working, and it was working, all my sisters in one place working towards a common goal, and I had you.”
“You do have a purpose here. You’re good at everything you’ve done here.” I take her hand, pulling it from her chest. “And you have me.”
“That’s not what you said.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“You said you were afraid I’d leave, but you chose to leave me instead.”
I’m sure she feels my erratic heart beating below her palm as I get the guts to tell her how it is. “I was scared. Scared of not being enough for you and you staying because of your heart, not because you wanted to.”
“Funny, because I would’ve stayed for your dick, not because of my heart.”
I grunt, and she smiles, a disparate combination.
“Stop deflecting with laughter, Riles.” This is what she always does, hiding behind the funny friend or carefree woman instead of letting her emotions come to the edge of her skin.
Her epidermis is coated in laughter when there’s pain underneath.
“But I should’ve asked you instead. What do you want, Riley? ”
She doesn’t answer; she just looks at the suitcases, quietly waiting for a decision to be made.
“Why do you always leave before someone asks you to stay?”
She pulls her hand away, fighting back tears that I hate myself for causing, even if I didn’t mean to.
“Because nobody ever has,” she whispers, soft as a cloud, although they land on my chest like a knife straight to my lungs.
I drag my fingers over her face, slowly caressing every inch of her. Riley is the sun rising early in the morning, the moon on the darkest night, and all the stars combined on a cloudless night.
She’s the universe, and we’re lucky we get to exist with her.
“Then let me be the one.”
“What?” She sucks in a breath.
“Stay. Give this place a chance. Give us a chance. I don’t want to wake up one day and wish I would have said these words, even if they backfire in a year when you get bored of this old man.”
She smiles, and everything is right again. “You’re not that old.”
“I know, but it made you smile.”
“What if I want kids and you don't? What if you get bored? What if I can’t find a job because Lilly fires me? What if—”
“I could never be bored of you or with you. You don’t need to find a job; you already have one.
You didn’t mention it, but you can also travel, especially if you know you have a place to call home that’s waiting for you to come back.
” I cradle her cheek as they flush pink.
“The kids, the marriage, the house conversation can be had at a later time—unless you want to have it right now, and my answer would be whatever you want, Riley.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“I mean I’m all in. Whatever that means to you, it’ll be the same to me.”
She narrows her eyes, barely breathing. “Why now?”
“I realized something when we were apart, something I should’ve known but didn’t, because I’ve never experienced it before.” I smile wholly at her. “Not until you.”
“What do you mean?” I’m glad she’s not reading between the lines. I’m thankful she’s brave and brazen. I’m grateful she’s making me say it. Even unknowingly, Riley makes everyone around her better.
“I thought it was lust, excitement, infatuation…attraction…but the truth is, it wasn’t.”
“What was it then?”
“Love.” She gasps, and I smile wider, letting my whole truth out.
“I love you, and I’m sure I’ve loved you since the night a bright as shit Jeep was stuck on the side of the road, and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen flashed me a smile that stole my breath away.
” I shake my head, but not the memories of that night.
“And then hung out the window for good measure.”
“You saw that?”
“All I see is you. All the time. Everywhere since the day I met you. I like it.” I find myself shaking my head again, unable to move in any other way besides pulling her into my arms. “No, no, I love it.”
“Dom,” she whispers.
I cover her lips with my index finger. “I love you in ways I’ve never loved before, and I’m sorry I let my fear keep me from telling you.”
She removes my finger from her lip, taking my hand in hers, clutching it tightly to her chest. “You say that now because you don’t want me to leave or whatever.”
“No, Firefly, I’m saying it now because you deserve to know.
I. Love. You. I’m in love with you. I wake up thinking about you.
The way you occupy my brain all day is the light shining through what used to be darkness before…
and then, in my dreams, you’re all I see.
You say I’m a man of few words—well, these are some of the most important ones I’ve ever said, so hear me loud and clear. I love you.”
“We haven’t known each other for long.”
“Statistically, it doesn’t matter. Parents don’t need more than a second to know they love their baby as soon as they’re born. Even before. Loving them is fundamental to who they are, like loving you has been for me since the moment we met.”
“This is a lot to take in,” she replies.
I swallow my pride and the hurt her words deliver; I take them in either way. It took me a while to figure it out. I don’t blame her for doing the same.
“Take it in. Take your time. I’m not asking you to do anything with it. But if what you need is a reason to stay, I’m happy to give you ten. And one of them, I’ve never given anyone else the way I’m ready to give it to you.”
I drop a kiss on her forehead. “I love you, and it’s not transactional nor transitional.” I take a step back, letting her see all of me and the truth behind my words. “I love you if you stay, and I love you if you go. I just thought you should know before you made any decisions.”