Fourteen
Logan
I can’t make myself look, but it’s also creating a dull ache in my chest not knowing if he’s okay.
A camera is set up where he is, hidden where he can’t see it.
I thought I could do this. The idea sounded so good in my head and he deserves it, doesn’t he?
Tugging at my hair, I glance at myself in the mirror, the bags under my eyes greeting me with their dark shadowing.
Having not slept a wink during the night, I’m moving slowly this morning. Blake stayed on my mind, along with the thoughts of whether or not he was warm enough. Watching him shiver and his expression strain had me wanting to fix it. Yes, I liked watching him cry, but I also enjoy wiping his tears.
His suffering is supposed to have me waking up with a smile, but the triumph I expected to feel is nowhere in sight.
I have to keep going, though. I made him a promise that I was going to save him from himself.
And from them. This is the only way I know how to reach him—my only way to get through that mind of his that’s been corrupted by others.
This is how I make myself louder than everyone else. Hayden, his dad, and possibly mine.
My mom hasn’t said whether or not my dad moved in with his new boyfriend.
Last night we ate dinner quietly across from one another and she turned in early afterwards.
I didn’t want to bother her about it in case she needed her mind to be elsewhere for a while.
I don’t care to message my dad about it either, but maybe I can get my little piglet to admit it.
Yeah, I feel bad for leaving him all alone stirring in the hay and smelling of barn, but calling him that name does something to me, leaving a smile on my lips.
My little piglet. Mine.
Except he’s not mine. I don’t want that .
. . or I didn’t. So much has happened since I first got home, and no matter how much he’s screwed me over, I can’t stop thinking about those sounds he makes when I have him losing control or how he surrendered to me so easily.
Like he needed to or he’d disintegrate into nothing.
But he’s my enemy. The man who bullied me in high school right alongside the others. He’s always stood out the most and he’s not even the worst of them anymore. Was he ever?
I was more excited about Saturday than I cared to admit.
When he said he needed me and that only I could help him, I considered going in a different direction, telling myself that Blake always submitting to me and never telling me no was enough.
Then Hayden appeared on the wrong fucking side of me, standing with him instead of on the ground where I was.
It was all a game. The submission and needing me. All an act. Part of his pretending. Yet my mind can’t stop holding on to those what-ifs. He was eager to please me yesterday. Fell to the ground, giving me all control at the drop of a hat. It might not have been real then either.
Those what-ifs just get louder and louder.
Splashing water on my face makes my eyes redder, and eye drops don’t help either. With fresh clothes and my teeth brushed, my hand tightens around the handle as I’m setting it into the holder. My gaze moves to the spares I keep in case Jimmy crashes like he used to.
I grab one and shove it in my pocket, adding a pack of wipes and toothpaste on the other side. My mom calls to me from the kitchen, and I toss on my jacket as I walk out of my room.
“There you are. You slept in later than usual.”
“What? Five minutes more?” If only she knew I was lying in my bed wasting time overthinking instead of doing any kind of resting.
She laughs. “You could have been halfway done with your coffee in that five minutes.”
“I could have,” I agree, kissing her on the cheek and moving around her to put bread in the toaster. “You heading to work this morning?”
“In an hour or so, but I have the weekend off, so I may go visit your aunt Mary. I think it would be good to get away from here for a little while. Like a mini vacation.”
“It would.” I squeeze her arm. “You should go and I’ll take care of everything here.
Take all the time you need.” The longer she’s gone, the easier it’ll be to keep her away from the barn.
She’s been staying away on her own the last few days anyway, being too tired to do much after work, but I’m not sure how long that’ll last. I’ve fully taken over the farm chores, but she still likes to tend to her garden and fruit trees.
As long as my little piglet doesn’t make too much noise, it shouldn’t be a problem.
“It has been a while since I’ve seen her and Eddie. Your cousins don’t live far from them either, and Elsie just had a baby.”
“That’s great. Tell her I said congrats when you see her.” Pivoting around her, I pull down a coffee cup and reach for the half-full pot.
Catching my gaze, her brows arch. “You really sure you’ll be okay if I go?”
“I’m sure.” My lips turn up into a half smile.
“Okay.” She perks back up, patting me on the shoulder. “Breakfast is in the microwave and leftovers are in the fridge for later.”
“Thanks, Mom.” Steam rises in the air as I fill my cup with fresh coffee. It’s not until she’s out of the kitchen that I sneak two biscuits into my pocket. She comes back to grab her lunch. “I’ll be home around dinnertime. You have any plans today?”
I shrug. “Not that I can think of. Chores, getting ready for my first week at the academy, and maybe some barn reading for old times’ sake.”
Her laughter fills the room and she tosses on her coat. “Try not to fall asleep out there like old times. Don’t need me coming home to a popsicle son later.”
“I’ll take an electric blanket out with me to be on the safe side.” A chuckle escapes my lips. “Have a good day at work.”
“Bye, hun, and don’t forget to tell the boys and Lydia they’re welcome over for dinner tonight.”
“I won’t.” Waving her off, I lean against the counter and sip from my cup, craning my neck to look out the window. Frost covers the glass and I’m ready for winter to be fully over. It’s a very confusing time of the year when you get a mixture of cold and hot days.
When I hear my mom’s car pull away, I take down another cup and fill it with coffee, adding cream and sugar.
Outside isn’t as cold as I expect it to be when I step out on the porch.
Leaning on the rail, I set his cup down to let it cool, and finish mine off while checking the town news updates.
Nothing about him. No missing persons reports.
I drove his car two hours away after bringing him here, leaving it in a random wooded area with overgrown trees.
It’ll be a while before anyone finds it.
There was no trace of footsteps, only wildlife prints.
No evidence of anyone going back that way for a long time, if ever.
I covered the vehicle in brush and branches, waiting until dark to head several miles to a gas station where I had an Uber pick me up.
He dropped me off at the abandoned building where I left my car, not asking any questions.
It was such a fucking risk leaving him here while I was gone for hours.
Mom was home, but she’d already been in bed for a while when I returned.
Two thick locks rest on the barn doors. I tell her it’s so Dad doesn’t try to come and sneak anything away while we’re not here.
I’ve lied to her a lot lately and I hate it.
She endured that enough with my Dad. Him keeping dark, shameful secrets.
Cheating doesn’t warrant prison time, though.
What I’m doing would, and I’d be throwing everything away if I got caught.
I’d lose her too. She’d never look at me the same and I’d be pushed away by another parent.
The only one I ever really had. It’s why I can’t be careless in any way.
I have to keep him quiet and always keep my guard up.
Scrubbing a hand over my face, I leave my empty mug on the railing as I make my way to the barn, almost forgetting to slip on my mask before unlocking the doors.
Shaking my head at how distracted by my own mind I am today, I drag the face covering from inside my jacket and slip it onto my head.
I’m not a fan of wearing it, and I hate seeing him listen to some faceless version of me rather than the real me.
Yes, we’re the same person, but he doesn’t know that and it’s hard not to want him to.
Things had to be this way, though. He had to fuck everything up, giving me no other choice.
I’m the only one in control here and the only one who ever could be.
There are no outsiders. Only me and him.
I’m the only voice he’ll hear. He’ll go from having no choice to missing it.
All to earn the reward he receives from being a good piglet.
I’ll also learn which part of his obedience was real and which wasn’t.
His eyes kept telling me it was one of the very few times he showed his true self, but why throw it all away, then?
Why shove me away and bring Hayden closer?
He didn’t want him there. The way he held onto my eyes that night was so intense, it was as if he was trying to make everything else around us vanish.
Well, I did that for him. Made his unspoken wish come true.
He doesn’t know it, though. So I have to make him be grateful to me for other things.
The keys jiggle in my hand as I open the doors.
I walk inside the sunlit barn, my loud breaths mixing with someone else’s as I approach the ladder.
Focusing on the rattling chain, I slip my mask down fully and make my way up to the loft.
Pressing my body to the ladder, I’m using only one hand, trying to carry the cup in the other without dumping coffee everywhere.
Blue eyes land on me and Blake sits up, dragging the blanket with him. His cheek is covered in dirt and his lips are cracked. So far from his usual perfect self, and yet I’ve never seen him look more beautiful.