Chapter 35
LEGION
EARLY SPRING
W aiting is its own kind of hell, a purgatory I’ve subjected many to, myself.
This type of mental warfare is a slow suffocation.
A creeping silence under the weight of everything you can’t control, trapped in the space between knowing and not knowing, between action and consequence, a gnawing thing that burrows under your skin and settles in your bones.
It strips you down, minute by minute, until all that’s left is raw nerves and the sound of your own thundering pulse, too damn loud in the silence.
The worst thing about waiting isn’t the fear.
I’m not afraid. I’ve been in precarious positions before—gun fights, ambushes, staring down men who were ready to put me in the dirt.
That kind of danger is easy. It’s sharp, immediate , fucking preferable to the way the passing of time hollows you out.
Waiting makes your mind run through every possible scenario in an unremitting loop until they all blend together, and you begin to feel your sanity slipping…
a dull blade at your patience… dragging across slowly…
letting you wonder when it’ll finally cut deep…
I light a cigarette just to keep my hands busy. The smoke tastes like nothing.
Ace’s laughter echoes across the lot of the Twisted Throttle, loud and unrestrained, the kind of pure happiness only children have.
I’ve been watching him and his mother play together on the small jungle gym behind the clubhouse.
When I’m not preoccupied with covertly maneuvering human chess pieces, I’m watching them.
She doesn’t know how often. Or maybe she simply pretends not to notice the way my eyes eagerly find her, the way I steal these moments whenever I can, hoarding them like a man starved.
I think Keegan has reached the point of pretense as well…
Though perhaps he tempers his territorial urges with the notion that if I’m watching her, too, it’s one more pair of fiercely protective eyes surveilling his most prized possessions.
I won’t touch…but there is no line I wouldn’t cross to keep them safe.
I believe I’ve made that abundantly clear, and my devotion in this singular aspect has garnered his tolerance.
Ace climbs the ladder to go down the slide again while she regathers the top portion of her hair, clipping it back. The deep, natural undertones of red in her dark tresses are only evident in the sunlight. Suddenly, I’m craving a Cherry Coke.
An engine revs to life within Keegan’s repair shop, where he’s working, drawing her gaze in its direction.
While scanning the lot, she spots me in what has become my usual haunt—the back patio, lounging alone with my smokes in a lawn chair.
A smile pulls at her lips, but there is something off in her otherwise friendly expression.
Something beneath the surface she’s trying to hide.
She turns away from me, abruptly, but not before I notice the way her smile falters and her shoulders tense, as if she’s holding back something heavy.
I shouldn’t care as much as I do. I shouldn’t be getting up and striding over to her like some lovesick simp, hoping for scraps of her attention, hoping for her to make some trivial request of me so that I may jump to it in order to please her.
But I do. Every fucking chance I get. Something is bothering her.
And I need to wipe whatever it is off the face of the earth …
so that her smile reaches her magnetic dark eyes once again.
I come to stand beside her, dropping my cigarette and snuffing it out beneath my boot.
My stomach tightens when she peers up at me, softly smiling again as if summoning me to her side has somehow brought her a measure of comfort.
Ace continues to play, oblivious to the way his mother makes my heart feel like it’s caught in a vice.
“Hey,” she says, a little breathless, as if the weight of whatever she’s carrying is pressing harder on her now that I’m standing beside her.
“Hey,” I reply, keeping my voice even and playing along for a moment.
She gestures to Ace. “We’re just waiting for Rosita to drop Mia off.
I’m watching her while Rosita goes to a doctor’s appointment.
” She lowers her voice to further inform me, “Might take them to the library by the fairgrounds. You read a lot, so if there’s anything I can pick up for you, please ask.
I’d invite you to come along if it were just Ace and me, but… you know how Viper is.”
Though deadly in his own right, Viper is the least of my concerns. “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
She stares at me as if surprised by the blunt inquiry, then glances back at her son, seeming to assure he’s still distracted.
Her hand trails up to gently stroke the smooth skin at the base of her throat, while the other rests against her hip.
Ace waves at her from the top of the slide, and she chuckles and waves back to him.
Her smile is practiced, though…her joy, a performance to shield him from whatever is bothering her.
“Vanna…” I press. She spares me a quick look, but otherwise keeps her attention fixed on Ace. “If I can see it, he will …”
“My sister sent an invitation in the mail a few days ago,” she finally replies.
“And you have a scheduling conflict?” I sarcastically jest. When she peers up at me, there’s a flicker of pain in her eyes. She forces a smile to disguise it, but I see her. I always see her. “What is it?”
“She sent a copy of her latest sonogram with it.”
I shove my hands in my pockets, fists clenched, forcing myself not to reach for her. “I see…”
She only nods, then swallows.
I’m not supposed to be privy to this situation…
this fault line in their relationship… One the darkness within is still tempted to exploit…
if I allow it…if she ever gave me the slightest inkling of an opening.
I want to say something else, something to let her know that I’d give her everything she wants in life if our circumstances were different…
if she were mine… But she isn’t. So, I remain silent, loving her the only way I can…
from a distance…where it will never be enough…
where I will slowly drive myself insane and…
Ace bounds over to us. She crouches to wrap him in a lingering embrace. He peers up at me over her shoulder, attempting to pull a few strands of her long hair from webbing over his little face in the slight spring breeze.
“Legend, what is ‘Rizona like?” he asks.
“ Arizona . It’s hot,” I reply, “generally speaking.”
“Do you ever miss it?” Vanna inquires. She does so without looking at me, and the question rattles my system.
“No.”
She stands, peering up at me again. “I’ve never been to the desert. It must be beautiful.”
“Where I grew up, it was mostly barren and ugly.”
Her brows bunch together. “ Ugly? What about the Grand Canyon? Monument Valley? We’ve seen so many amazing pictures of Arizona, haven’t we, Ace?
” She glances down at him, stroking her fingers through the top of his hair before she looks back at me.
“I’ve read that watching the sun rise over the Grand Canyon is like witnessing the first ever to exist. It’s that breathtaking…
You really haven’t been there? No to any of the famous sites, ever? ”
“We didn’t have the means to venture anywhere when I was a kid… Then, I never had the time…or the desire.”
She shakes her head. “It’s so hard to imagine living a majority of your life in a state so rich with unique national parks, and never seeing any of it.”
“I’ve ridden by sites.” I shrug. “Never had a reason to stop.”
“That’s sad,” she says quietly.
“Perhaps if I’d had someone worthwhile to point it out to me.”
“You never had a girlfriend?”
I could use another cigarette. “For a short stint, once.”
“I’m guessing that didn’t…”
“ End well?” I try not to scoff. “No. It didn’t.”
The sound of gravel crunching beneath tires diverts their attention from me.
“ Mia!” Ace points enthusiastically to the sedan pulling into the lot.
Vanna glances back at me with a tight-lipped smile. “I guess we’ll see you later,” she says, allowing Ace to tug her in the direction of his playmate. I light up another cigarette and watch them stroll away.
A ce and Mia make a dash for the pirate ship the moment our feet reach the perimeter of the playground.
I settle onto the nearby bench and watch them scramble up the steps to get inside and up the ladder of the slide.
Mia hesitates at the top, but Ace cheers her on.
She finally pushes off, slides down, and lands in a giggling heap at the bottom before Ace joins her and they do it all over again.
Perfect. Let them wear themselves out a bit before I take them to the library.
I stretch my legs out in front of me, rolling my shoulders back, willing myself to relax.
The sun is warm on this spring noon, and the air is fresh with the scent of blooming flowers.
I try to keep my mind from wandering back to that invitation sitting on my kitchen island…
of the image she sent with it…a tiny, curled-up form with the first signs of a nose and little fingers.
I left it where Dean would find it, and I wonder what he’ll say when he does… or if he’ll say anything at all…
I am happy for Giuliana. I really am. But I can’t deny the ache deep inside, which only seems to grow more intense as the weeks pass. Will Dean ever come around? I press my palms against the denim over my thighs and exhale slowly, trying to push the thoughts from my mind for now.
“Vanna?” a familiar voice says from behind. I turn as she steps around the bench and takes a seat beside me.
“Meg,” I say in surprise. “We haven’t seen you in months. Did you move?”