Chapter 24 Evelyn
Evelyn
The garden was quiet except for the occasional static coming from the radio at William’s waist as he paced around. Dr. Beck was waiting for me to respond, and I was stalling, staring at the hedge in front of me as if it might speak the answer to me.
“What do you want to do with your life?”
I asked myself this once before, and the mere thought of a future brought hives to my skin. Although the thought didn’t send me into an immediate panic, I still hadn’t worked out the answer yet.
“You don’t have to answer now, but I’d like you to think about it. There’s a light at the end of this tunnel, a future for you. Think about what you want to do with your second chance at life.”
“I will.” I made a note in my journal to do this as my homework.
Every week, he left me with a question to answer and discuss in our next session.
Dr. Beck and I had been meeting twice a week via a secure video platform for the last three weeks while I adjusted to life in Oakland Ridge.
Thankfully, he had been more than willing to accommodate me, given the circumstances.
“How have you been navigating your touch aversion?”
“I’m still having trouble with people touching me unexpectedly.
But it’s been nice being touched, as weird as it sounds.
I hadn't realized how much I missed a hug or someone holding my hand.” At first, Janae and Aja’s affectionate ways were overwhelming.
Each time they locked arms with me or leaned into a hug, I had to stop myself from pulling away.
After a few moments and some internal convincing, my body eventually would relax, and I could enjoy it.
I fidgeted as I watched Dr. Beck take notes. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail out of his bearded face, and today he was wearing a tie with panda bears on it that made me roll my eyes the moment the call started.
“Evelyn, I see you’re nervous, and there truly is no reason to be. We don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want to.” He said, lifting his head from his notepad.
I chanced a look at William and caught his smirk. I chucked a pebble at his leg from where I sat on the grass. William was always close by. He tried his best to give me privacy, but he couldn't very well turn his ears off.
William stepped a few paces away to give me some more space, and I appreciated it.
“We can talk about him. I—” I start but struggle to finish. Dr. Beck waits silently.
Plucking a blade of grass from the ground, I throw it on an exhale.
“I like him, but I don’t want to. I shouldn’t even be thinking about him right now.”
I braced myself for the questions. Dr. Beck had a way of drawing things out of me. He never pushed any subject. But he had a way of guiding you towards the necessary breakthroughs.
“Evelyn, do you believe that you aren’t meant to be happy?”
Yes. “No. Maybe. I don’t know. How am I supposed to move on and act like nothing ever happened? I’m supposed to ride off into the sunset with the first guy that makes me feel safe when my sister’s killer is hunting me.”
“You aren’t meant to forget—your mother and sister are with you in the memories and moments that you shared.
Happiness and joy can exist alongside grief.
Think about how you can honor them; start a tradition, something that keeps their memory alive.
” He leaned into the view, his eyebrows raised high.
“And safe, huh? That’s really big, Evelyn. ”
“I know, that’s why I’m freaking out. I don’t trust myself anymore, and the timing? This feels like a cruel joke. Whatever this is with Parker, it can’t happen.”
Getting caught up in Parker’s kind brown eyes and his sexy smirk seemed like the worst idea.
“What are you afraid of?”
I picked at my thumbnail, searching for the right words. “He just seems too good to be true, and after what I went through in the past, I just can’t go down that road of disappointment again.”
“Does the situation feel the same?”
That was the real question, wasn’t it?
“Would I even know the difference?” I countered. Trust didn’t come easy for me, and though I trusted Parker enough to leave New York with him, I don’t trust my own discernment.
“You know you aren’t the first person on this planet to trust the wrong person?”
His candor brought a laugh out of me. The reason I stayed with Dr. Beck for so long was because of things like this. He was funny and spoke casually. Every time we spoke, I felt like he really saw me.
“This list you told me about is a step in the right direction. In order to start trusting yourself, you have to go back to the beginning and find out who you are again. You’re still replaying the script of your abuser, Evelyn.
You are worthy of good things. Whatever those things are, whether that be a relationship with Parker or success in your new venture, you deserve to be happy.
Discover something new or do something you used to love. ”
I let his words soak in. The list that Parker had me make was collecting dust on the bedside table, and I hadn’t given it a second thought since I reconnected with Dr. Beck.
“What happened wasn’t my fault,” I repeated it for my sake more than his. No matter how far I’d come, it was still easy to forget that.
“Add this to your homework as well. I want you to write down your boundaries and think about what you are okay with and not okay with in a new relationship. If you change your mind about Parker, communicate your boundaries with him, enforce them, and make sure there are realistic consequences when those limits are crossed. Take your time.”
We signed off confirming our appointment for next week. I stood from the grass and trudged over to the pool house with William in tow.
“Will, would you mind taking me into town in an hour?” I questioned as I opened the sliding door.
“For sure. Just text me when you’re ready, and I’ll meet you at the gate.
Heading inside, I made my way into the walk-in closet of my bedroom to get dressed for the day.
After three weeks of hiding, I was finally going to head into town.
Avoiding any alone time with Parker was easier than I thought.
Since he’s been busy working with his dad, I’m not sure if he’s even noticed the distance I’ve put between us.
Besides texting here and there to check in, we haven’t been alone together for more than five minutes.
If we weren’t left alone together, then he wouldn’t be able to flirt with me. He wouldn’t be able to see the effect he was starting to have on me.
Since Parker was busy assisting their father with business, Aja and Janae designated themselves as the welcoming committee. Every night since we arrived, they visited me at the pool house. We were currently torturing ourselves by rewatching Season 8 of Grey's Anatomy.
During the day, when I was alone, I journaled.
Dr. Beck suggested it when we first started working together, but I couldn’t bring myself to write what happened to me—us—down on paper.
I wish I had listened to him sooner. There was something freeing about telling my story to the pages of that notebook.
It was a book just for me; a physical symbol of my truth.
When I finally decided to explore the estate, I learned that on most days, you could find Mrs. Woods outside caring for her garden.
One morning, I found her out there while I was getting familiar with the grounds and commented on how peaceful she looked.
The next day, she invited me to join her.
I was worried that she would ask questions, but she hasn’t tried to pry any information out of me.
When she wasn’t telling me about a specific plant, we worked in silence.
Picking out a yellow sundress from the closet, I placed it on the bed and grabbed my phone, deciding to rip the band-aid off.
I had been dragging my feet, avoiding calling Marcie.
When the phone rang, and I broke the news, I could hear the disappointment in her voice.
She was hoping this would be a temporary leave of absence.
Immediately, I wanted to apologize, perhaps think of another solution, but I stopped myself.
Quitting Mosaic was the right thing to do.
My knee bounced as the reality of my decision set in. This was the first step towards a dream that I’d forgotten about, put on the back burner because that version of my life seemed so out of reach.
Today I was leaving the estate on my own, after weeks of silence from Charles and Danny’s investigation hitting a standstill.
I didn’t trust the silence, but I knew if I stayed at the estate any longer, I would start to go crazy.
All this free time was starting to make me restless.
I wasn’t used to lounging around all day with zero direction.
The twins had suggested volunteering or getting a part-time job to pass the time.
When I returned to New York, I’d be starting over in more ways than one.
Earning a little money while I was here couldn’t hurt, I just had to be smart about it.
Getting dressed, I grabbed a small shoulder bag I found in the closet and stuffed my new ID into it.
I strolled out of the pool house and down the long driveway to the small booth that housed the security team manning the front gates.
I had become familiar with Gerard in the last couple of weeks.
He usually walked the perimeter of the property at the same time of day I took my daily walk.
Gerard sat in the booth, tuned in to the surveillance footage playing on the three monitors, showing different angles and locations across the estate. A man I came to know as Leon sat next to him, completing a crossword puzzle while sipping from a steaming mug of coffee.