Iris
CASH
DECEMBER
We laid there in bed—a tangle of limbs and bedsheets, our chests rising and falling in tandem. My body felt weightless, like I was floating through the air as I basked in the afterglow of what Ollie and I had just done.
How was it always so good with her? Each time we’d hooked up, I’d wondered the same thing, and each time after I told myself it was probably a fluke, that it wouldn’t feel that way again. But I was wrong. It just kept getting better and better.
It was late. Or early, most likely. We hadn’t come to bed until about midnight, and I don’t know how much time had passed since then. I wasn’t tired though. Not really. Content? Yes. Relaxed? You bet. But I wasn’t about to go to sleep.
There was something different about tonight.
The way she looked at me and kissed me. I always felt this wall up with her, that there was a part of her she held back.
But tonight? Well, tonight it’s like she let go completely and finally let me in.
I’d never felt a connection to anyone so intense, so wild, but I felt it with her. And, fuck, I didn’t want it to end.
She adjusted against my side, tilting her face up to look at me.
The moon was bright and full tonight, shining into my room and casting her in a pale light.
She was like a damn goddess. I paused at the look in her eyes, though.
A vulnerability lurked in the mismatched depths that I never really had the chance to see with her.
“Thought for a thought,” she said quietly.
I sat up a little more against the headrest, my head cocking slightly to the side. She never played this game, no matter how many times I tried to get her to. Damn near five months of knowing her, and I rarely knew what she was truly thinking or feeling. The fact she was so willing right now…
“Oh-kay,” I said.
She sat up, and I immediately mourned the loss of her warmth at my side. She stayed beside me, pulling the bedsheets around her, shielding herself from me.
Ollie wasn’t modest, wasn’t timid, or self-conscious. What was wrong? What the fuck was going on?
“I’ve never been in love,” she murmured the words so quietly I almost didn’t hear them.
Well damn, we were diving right into the heavy shit tonight, weren’t we? But that’s okay. This conversation felt like a long time coming. Especially after the talk Dad and I had. “I mean, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. Not everyone falls in love young.”
She shook her head. “It’s more than that…
” Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, she all but whispered, “It terrifies me. The thought of loving someone enough to change myself or to sacrifice for them…I just can’t even fathom it.
Which I know sounds awful and selfish, but giving a part of myself to someone, giving them the ability to hurt me…
Why would anyone want to do that? It’s masochistic.
It’s like giving a toddler this precious, irreplaceable glass figurine and expecting them to keep it safe and not drop it.
There’s no way you don’t end up with shattered pieces all over the floor and no one to pick it up but yourself.
” Her voice rang with a desperation that felt out of character for her.
Well, shit. So, this was how she truly felt? Her words hit me like a shot to my chest, though. Listening to her…it was like listening to myself.
“I understand,” I said, sitting up and grabbing one of her hands that she fiddled with in her lap.
Her sad gaze met mine. “Have you ever been in love?”
I thought of Dakota, and how for the first time it didn’t hurt thinking about her.
For the first time, the reminder held no sway over my behavior.
Normally, I’d shut down at the mention of her, but not tonight.
One look at the sadness marring Ollie’s beautiful face, and I realized that Dakota didn’t have any more power over me, because this woman did now.
And I’d tell her anything just to try and take away the hurt.
“Yeah. A long time ago.”
“What happened?” she murmured.
I inhaled a deep breath, my shoulders rising, rising, rising, before falling as I exhaled. “We were just kids, barely eighteen. I’d been in love with her since first grade when she kissed me on the playground and told me she was gonna marry me one day.”
She huffed. “So, you’ve always liked bossy women?”
“I think you mean, assertive,” I replied, tilting her chin up.
She pulled out of my grip, but a small smile hid in the corners of her lips.
“I don’t really know what happened,” I went on, “I’d seen her on her birthday, things had been great.
The next day, I went up to Cheyenne for the Frontier Rodeo…
when I got back, she was gone. Like, gone gone.
Not a trace of her. Her parents' house was empty. Their cars were gone. Her phone disconnected, social media deleted.”
I didn’t miss the little sound that escaped Ollie, almost like a gasp and a cry all at once. It was quiet, almost like she’d been trying to hide it, but I heard it anyway. “She just…left?” Her words wobbled as she stared down at our hands.
I swallowed past the lump forming in my throat. I think I had an idea of what that little sound meant. I didn’t want to dwell about it though. Not right now. Maybe I could change her mind. Maybe if I was open enough with her, she’d be open with me.
My gaze followed hers, landing on our hands, and I couldn’t help but admire the image. Something about Ollie just felt right. Holding her, being near her. I liked it. I liked it a whole damn lot.
“Yeah,” I finally managed to get out.
“So, that’s why you don’t do the whole relationship thing?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Hard to have someone break your heart if you don’t give them anythin’ to break.”
Still refusing to look at me, she nodded, like she knew exactly what I meant. “Do you think you’ll ever fall in love again?” she asked.
Trying to decipher the note in her tone was like trying to solve some ridiculously hard math problem.
Did I think I’d ever fall in love again?
A few months ago, a year ago, I’d have said no.
Things changed, though. But Ollie was as flighty as a damn bird, and if I said the wrong thing she’d tuck tail and run.
Maybe Dad was right, and in the end, that’s what needed to happen though. Maybe it was past time to tell her how I felt…and if she left…well, then it wasn’t meant to be. Just another one who got away.
God, since when the hell did I listen to Dad?
“For a long time, I didn’t think I would…” I reached out and cupped the side of her neck, forcing her gaze to meet mine. “But now…I ain’t so sure.”
A single tear fell down her cheek, sparkling like a diamond in the moonlight. I’d never seen her cry before. “You love me?” It was barely a whisper.
All different sorts of emotions swirled in her mismatched gaze.
Fear was on the forefront though. It had been her one rule.
Her one demand when we’d started this whole little friends with benefits arrangement.
But you know what? Fuck it. I was tired of hiding my feelings with her.
Of everyone I’d ever met, Ollie was the first person to truly see me as me.
Not the version my parents or even Mav and Ryder saw.
Not the rodeo cowboy my fans loved. She saw me.
“I, uh…” I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, holding her stare, “I think it would be real damn easy to love you, Olina.”
Her chin trembled. “I told you not to fall in love with me.”
“I know,” I said sadly, a crushing wave of disappointment settling over me. I’d fucked up by saying something. I should have just kept my mouth shut.
She chewed her trembling bottom lip for a long moment. “I don’t think I’m capable of love, Cash. I don’t think I—” Her chest heaved and a new set of tears rolled down her cheeks. “I don’t think I’m even worthy of it.”
With my free hand, I wiped at her tears. “I think you are. You just need to feel what it’s like. I could piece your heart back together again. I could show you what love is…” Trailing my thumb over her bottom lip, I whispered, “Let me show you. Please, Ollie.”
Her eyelids fluttered closed, her dark lashes filled with more tears as they leaked out of the corners of her eyes. Her entire body trembled beneath my touch. But she hadn’t run yet. That had to mean something…right?
I kissed the tears from her cheeks—one then the other—before pushing her hair back off her face.
Her eyes fluttered open a moment later—her blue and gold irises landing on me.
I saw the real her in that moment. The broken, lonely girl who’d had to grow up and become cold and callous way too fast. Raw vulnerability shone in the depths.
She nodded, the movement so small at first, I hadn’t even seen it.
But I felt the bob and dip of her head as I cradled her face in my palms.
My heart thundered in my chest at the simple admission. Except it wasn’t simple at all. This was fucking monumental for her. I was shit at feelings. At being in a relationship. At opening up and letting others in. But I’d do it for her.
I hadn’t lied.
It would be real damn easy to love her. Because I already did. I’d been falling for her for a long time now.
I leaned forward hesitantly, not wanting to scare her away, and pressed my lips to hers. Softly. Timidly. Something I’d never been with her. But right now wasn’t about fiery passion and lust and desire. This wasn’t like what we’d done a few moments ago.
This was new. For both of us.
She melted into me, her mouth moving against mine in perfect tandem. I flipped her onto her back so that I loomed over her. One of her hands shot up to cup my cheek, and I leaned into the touch before kissing the inside of her palm.
I’d always been a life in the fast lane kind of guy. Always wanting to go balls to the walls. Pedal to the metal. But not this time. Tonight, I was gonna take my damn time. I was gonna kiss every inch of her. From the top of her head to the tips of her toes.
I’d worship her. I’d love her. Because she deserved nothing less.
“Show me, Cash,” she whispered. “Show me what it’s like to be loved by you.”
Her words cracked the armor around my heart that I’d worn so valiantly for years, and the way she looked at me…
Fuck, the way she looked at me filled me with the most heady fucking feeling in the world. It was like the ultimate high I never wanted to come down from.
My lips tugged up into a smirk as I leaned down to hover my mouth over hers.
I thought I’d been in love before. Dakota had been my world. But the feelings I felt with her had shit on the rush I felt right now.
I made love to Ollie, giving every bit of myself to her, my body—my heart—like an offering to a goddess. And as she and I came down from our shared high, as I curled her up in my arms and held her through the night, hope blossomed in my chest.