Chapter 40
‘You and Roo are getting on well,’ said Frank to Vincent, when they were both lying in their beds.
Vincent laughed at what Frank might be hinting at.
‘I can talk to her easily because I think she’s a good gel, fun, but no, there’s nothing else in it.’
‘He’s a lucky bloke who’s got Elizabeth,’ Frank went on.
‘Ain’t he just,’ said Vincent with a sigh.
Then Frank realised. ‘Ah,’ was all he said, but now he got it.
Jane was drifting off when Grace whispered, ‘Jane, are you awake?’
‘Yes,’ she replied, opening her eyes, pulling herself back from the beckoning sleep.
‘I just wanted to thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For rattling the box in my head and making the pieces fall into a different formation,’ Grace answered, because she couldn’t think of how better to put it.
‘Oh, Grace, I might put all my energies into the present but I still contemplate the future and look back on my memories. Don’t you think sometimes I have a good cry about what I’ve lost? The years don’t make it hurt any less, but just less often.’
Grace fell silent but Jane could feel that she was building up to saying more. And she was right.
‘Billy’s girlfriend had a baby. They found out just before he died that she was pregnant. And she wrote to us after the baby was born. A little girl – she called her Billie, different spelling… she wanted to name her after her daddy, she said.’
‘Oh, how wonderful,’ said Jane. ‘How—’
‘I wouldn’t entertain her. I didn’t want to know.’
‘Why?’ Jane asked softly.
Grace opened her mouth to reply but wasn’t sure she had an answer that could explain the fear properly.
‘Were you frightened of getting attached to her and then somehow losing her too? Or was it that she’d remind you too much of your son?’ The son she could no longer hold.
‘At first I thought – and this shames me – how can she be alive and yet my son isn’t, as if God had traded one for the other, which doesn’t make sense, but that’s how my brain was working.
She’s a part of him, Frank said, but not the part I want.
’ Out, it sounded worse than it felt inside. ‘You must think I’m a terrible person.’
‘I don’t think that at all, Grace. I think you are trying to cope with immense grief and failing. You’ve managed to shut yourself in a room with it as your only companion. But there is no lock on the door and you can come out of it whenever you want to.’
‘Frank’s been seeing her behind my back. I was so angry when I found that out. I told him it was her or me.’
‘That child could help you heal, Grace. And you could give her so many stories about her father to fill out her picture of him in years to come.’
‘She looks just like he looked at four. Do… do you think I should see her?’
‘That’s up to you, Grace. But why would you want to stop Frank seeing her?
I’ve never been a fan of ultimatums and the damage they bring.
’ Clifford’s ex-wife was queen of the ultimatum.
Jane knew only too well the misery that coercive control caused.
She was only glad she’d managed to slip out of its fingers before they closed on her again.
‘What have I done, Jane?’
‘Undo it, Grace.’ Jane decided she was too old for pussyfooting. ‘If you want to know what I would do in your circumstances, then I’ll tell you: I would hold fast to that lovely man and I would see Billy’s daughter. Why would you choose to have nothing, when you could have it all?’
Was it really that simple? thought Grace. Did she really want to lose any more than she already had when maybe, just maybe, she had so much to gain?
‘Do you like Vincent?’ asked Elizabeth in the dark.
‘Yes, he’s great,’ Roo said, the smile evident in her voice. ‘And he gives top bantz.’
‘I mean… like.’
‘God no, don’t be daft.’ Roo hooted at the very idea of what Elizabeth was hinting at. ‘He’s big brother material, isn’t he? Well, at least he is for me. What about you?’
Roo waited for Elizabeth to answer her. She had an idea what she might be about to fess up.
‘Whenever we talk, I find we have so much in common, about what we want in life, and what makes us happy. They aren’t showy things like houses, money, prestige, prominence, power…’
‘He’s not that type though, is he? He’s a big old loyal friendly mongrel as opposed to a Crufts champion.
No airs, no graces, what you see is what you get.
I wish I could find someone just like him, but obviously not him.
But meeting Vincent has made me realise that there are some top guys out there, they’re not all arseholes. ’
‘Yes…’
The air was sparking with words unsaid.
‘What aren’t you telling me, Elizabeth?’
‘Nothing, Roo. Honestly.’
Roo didn’t push it, but that claim to honesty was right up there with Aaron Ewerin’s claims that his car kept breaking down and that’s why he was so late home again from work.