Lethal

Chapter 16

Sixteen

Hayden

I slam the door behind me like it will shut it all out, the kiss, her voice, those damn eyes which have haunted me for years, the memories of her are always there.

There is nothing to help me forget what she did to me. Nothing helps, no matter how much I tell myself she’s betrayed me, no matter how much I see the scars I have because of her. There is always a reminder.

My hands clench into fists, I hate myself. I hate the taste of her still on my lips. Hate the fact that for all my screaming and rage, all it took was one look at her and I cracked.

I want to rip her out of me, limb by limb, memory by memory. But she’s in there too deep. No matter how loud I tell myself I hate her, it’s never louder than how much I used to love her.

Used to? I have to laugh at the words, because the fucked up thing is I still fucking love her. Even after what she did to me, I still fucking love her. And I hate myself for it.

I climb into the back of the car. Miles is behind the wheel.

He knows I’m sitting in the back because I don’t want to talk to anyone.

He doesn't say anything, and it’s a smart move.

The silence between us is thick, almost suffocating.

But right now, I need to feel suffocated, pain, anything that isn’t Olivia.

I don’t even look out the window, when I feel Olivia walking away. When Mason slides into the passenger seat, he looks over his shoulder. “Blake’s garage,” I snap at him, before he can say anything.

Miles starts the engine, and we drive. The air in the car is stale, like regret and rage has made a home in it, because it’s made a fucking home in me.

My mind goes to her and the way she whispered sorry. Like it fixes anything.

It doesn’t. And I don’t think it ever will.

Even if I forgive her, I don’t ever think sorry will be enough.

The ride to the garage was quiet. Miles and Mason talked about another school party, but I didn’t take part in the conversation. Getting out of the car, the smell of oil and burnt rubber hit me hard.

I nod at Logan and Travis who are both working on a car, Travis knows what he’s doing, but Logan he must be fucking learning, because I’m sure he knows nothing about cars.

Blake meets us as we walk toward him, wiping his hands on a rag. “Someone wasn’t happy with your girl,” he says, and I shake my head.

“Not my girl,” I snap before I can stop myself, but it’s true, she’s not my girl and never will be.

Blake raises an eyebrow. “Alright. Just saying. Every tire was sliced open, Hayden. Clean cuts. Someone knew what they were doing, and the brakes…they’ve been tampered with.

They still work, but barely. She’s lucky.

” I stare at the floor, jaw locked, still not understanding what’s happening and who'd want to hurt her.

Blake keeps talking. “At first I thought it was just a shit car. But no, someone wanted her to crash, maybe not to kill her, but definitely to scare her.”

I try not to think about it too much. I can’t let her take over my life again. I was ready to give her everything, and she threw me under the bus, I won’t let her do it again.

“How long until it’s fixed?” I ask, changing the subject.

“You want me to fix everything?” Blake asks, and I look over at Logan and Travis joining us.

“Yeah,” I say, letting out a sigh. I shouldn’t help her, but I also know she needs her car to take her mom to hospital, and there's no way I’m having something happening to her in my head. I exhale slowly. “Are there fights tonight?”

Blake nods. “The usual place, it'll be a fun night.” Blake smiles, and I glance over at my brothers, before saying, “Good. I want in.” I don’t fight much at Blake’s club, Cain taught me how to fight, how to kill, and I never have any anger in me to want to take it out on anyone.

Not like Mason anyway, but now, now I do.

Having Olivia back makes me want to hit someone, take out my anger I have for her on someone, fucking anyone.

We talk about the fight club, who’s making noise, who’s got banned, the latest drama in that underground world where people bleed to remember they were alive. I need that. I need pain. I need to feel something that isn’t her.

When we get back in the car, the silence is back, but I can feel my brothers looking at me.

Miles is the first to talk, always the one to poke at cracks. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

Mason turns in his seat. “Hayden… we all know how you felt about her.”

“Shut up,” I say coldly. “She’s the one who did it. She broke it. She made her choice.” My voice has become louder, I don’t even know who I’m angrier at, her or myself.

“But—”

“There’s no ‘but’!” I snap, my voice echoes off the roof of the car. “How the hell do you forgive someone for that?”

They don’t reply, because they don’t know what to say, because there's no answer, and maybe that’s what hurts the most.

Even when I hate her, I’m still asking the wrong questions.

Can I forgive her?

Can I love her again?

I don't know the answers, but all I know is, she’s all I can think about, and I don’t know if I want it to stop or have her back in my life.

After stopping at the garage, I didn’t want to go to class. Couldn’t stomach sitting in the same room as her, pretending to care about textbook pages when my head is a war zone. Kissing her was a mistake. The worst kind, the kind I knew would haunt me. Yet, I want to kiss her again.

So now I sit on a weathered bench, the iron armrests cold beneath my forearm, a coffee in the other hand.

As I watch my target across the street in a five star restaurant, with windows all the way around so you can see straight through it, I watch my target, he’s a middle aged fucker, in expensive suits, and a smug grin which I want to punch off his face.

I watch everything he is doing, the way his body moves, the way he talks in his business.

The bench creaks beside me. I don’t need to look to know who it is.

Cain.

“What are you doing here?” I ask without turning my head, keeping my eyes on my target.

“Thought I’d check how it’s going,” he replies, his voice steady, easy.

I have to chuckle to myself, now I know Cain is a perfectionist and needs to make sure everything is done so we never get caught, but even I know the man trusts me more than any of my brothers.

So, I know one of the twins has called him.

“Which one called you?”

“Mason.” He leans back like this is a park stroll. “You don’t have to talk to me. But I’m here.” Then he hands me a cup, and I smile because my coffee has gone cold, so this one is very much what I need right now.

My target laughs, and I shake my head as it’s so fake, but then again that’s what these bastards do. Nothing is real to them.

“Mason said you’re fighting tonight,” Cain says after a beat. “I think I’ll come watch, not seen you in action for a while.”

I finally turn to him, raising my brow. “So, you can see if I still know how to fight?”

“No,” he says with a chuckle. “To make sure you get the anger out before it eats you alive. Because if you don’t, you’ll be fighting me next and you know how that ends.”

I snort, half-smiling. “With me on my back, ribs cracked, your punches feel like getting hit with a brick.” I know Cain never wants to hurt us, but I understand what he's doing, he'll fight me for hours until I finally do get all my anger out, maybe that’s what I need. A fight with the ghost himself.

Cain grins. “Exactly.”

I stare back at the man inside; another woman joins him. Younger, too much makeup, nervous laugh. You can always tell the fake ones. His hand rests on her knee under the table, and her body tenses a little.

“I still love her,” I mutter, because maybe I do need to talk about it. Cain doesn’t say anything. “I fucking hate her, and she never told me why she did it.” My grip on the coffee tightens. “I asked her today, and all she said was, she can’t.”

“You want me to find out?” This man can find out anything if you ask him, he doesn’t care how long it takes him. For the family he'd do anything and doesn’t care what law he'd have to break either.

I shake my head slowly. “You already offered. I said no.”

“But now?”

I pause. “I don’t know.”

“I’ll look into it anyway. When you want the truth, it’ll be there.”

“If it’s bad, really bad, you won’t tell me unless I ask.” I need to know no matter what he finds out he won’t tell me until I’m ready.

“You know me so well.”

“Cain,” I say, my voice is low, “how can I love her and hate her at the same time?”

“She was your best friend, before anything else. I wasn’t there when it all started, but everyone's told me how you were with her. You loved her long before you ever said it. I’m not the guy for emotional shit, Hayden, but you got to decide, can you forgive her?”

I’m not saying anything, because I don’t know if I can, because I have scars on my body because of what she did. Even if I do forgive her, the reminder will always be there for me.

We both stand up as my target leaves the restaurant, Cain and I follow slowly, keeping our distance.

“What’s the plan?” Cain asks.

“I’ll come back tonight, his notes say he has a woman, I’ll follow him to see where he meets her, then I’ll watch for a few days. I want to see if the timing’s consistent.”

Cain’s grin is slow and proud. “Now that sounds like the old Hayden. The Hayden I’ve taught so well.”

I don’t say anything, and for a moment, we both walk around for a bit, until he goes back to his office, and I think about two things. My fight tonight, and the woman I can’t stop thinking about.

Like most nights the fight club is full, but Blake has a pretty tight contract before you can step foot down here. What happens down here, stays down here.

Cain stands to the side, arms crossed, ever the watchful general.

He’s never had a fight down here, because I don’t think anyone would even make him sweat, the Pit is enough for him.

My brothers, Mason, Miles and Declan talk with Blake and Logan near the edge of the ring.

Travis is pacing, warming up for his own fight later.

I walk over to them, as we get closer Cain walks to the side where Logan is standing, and I place myself between Blake and Mason.

“Didn’t think you’d actually show,” Blake smirks. “Plus, out of the four of you, it’s you we didn’t think could fight.”

Myself and my brothers all start laughing, and I turn to Blake. “Well, I think it’s time to prove you wrong.”

Logan turns to me, and smiles as he scans me, and I have to smile. “A man can go crazy over a woman.”

Now we all laugh, even Cain. “He’s a man who’s trying to run from something,” Cain adds, and I glance over at him.

“Who says I’m running?” I shoot back.

“All of us,” I hear Miles behind me, but I choose to ignore them because I’m not in the mood to listen to what they have to say, and my brothers once they start won’t shut up.

I step into the ring, and pull my t-shirt over my head and throw it over to Mason and I wait for the guy I’m fighting to step in. I have to smile to myself when the guy steps in. This is the guy? He looks like a school kid who plays for the football team.

The bell rings.

He comes at me hard, built like a brick wall, cocky and fast. He lands the first punch, and I have to say that fucking hurt. Right to the fucking jaw, it makes my head snap sideways. Fuck.

I wanted this fight, yet my head isn’t in it.

I don’t block the second hit either, right in the ribs. “Fuck!” I shout as the sharp pain runs through me.

Wake the fuck up Hayden.

I snap, the second her face comes to view. This is why I’m here, to get her out of my fucking head.

I dive forward, fists like anchors, pounding into him with the weight of every time I see Olivia’s eyes pleading with me. The way she betrayed me, the way she didn’t think about what would have happened to me. The way she said, “I’m sorry,” like it meant something. It meant fucking nothing.

He hits me again, blood on my lip now. My head is ringing, but I shove him back, duck, and land a punch straight to his gut. He folds slightly, and I follow with a brutal right hook so hard, the crack echoes through the building.

He tries to grapple me, but I twist free, drive my shoulder into his chest, and pin him against the ropes, I see red. My fists move without thought, jaw, temple, nose. He bleeds and I don’t stop.

I’m not fighting him. I’m fighting every single second I spend thinking about her. Every second I missed her. Every moment I hated myself for still loving her. Even after what she did to me.

I take my eye off him for a fucking second, and he gets me right on the left eye. My vision blurs, I blink away the haze and strike harder. The crowd screams.

The final blow comes in a blur from me, twisting, my elbow connecting with his chin, and he hits the floor hard.

The bell rings again.

I stand over him, chest heaving, fists covered in blood. My knuckles sting. My ribs ache and my jaw throbs.

Mason climbs in, grabbing my shoulder. “You good?”

“No.” And without another word I leave, I don’t want to be around anyone.