10. Amiyah
Chapter ten
Amiyah
It’s him.
The third row. Center aisle. Its fucking Jae—he’s already seated, one leg extended into the walkway, his casebook open on the fold-out desk in front of him, flipping pages with the casual authority of someone who didn’t just materialize in my academic existence like a particularly attractive curse.
I hate everything about this.
He’s now occupied three of my spaces already this week. It’s clear that it’s going to be a long fucking semester.
I take a deep breath, pretending not to notice him, and walk to my seat.
The chair groans when I sit, which feels personally targeted. I set my latte down on the desk with slightly more force than necessary. Coffee sloshes against the inside of the lid but doesn’t breach.
Small victories.
My tote bag yields its contents in the order I packed it this morning: planner first, then the pink binder, then the pen case. The planner opens to today’s date with a sound that is, to my ears, the auditory equivalent of a woman who has her shit together.
The planner opens to today's date. I smooth the page with my palm, straighten the edges of my notes, line up my pens.
Everything is neat.
Everything is where it should be.
It doesn’t even bother me that he’s in yet another one of my classes.
I am completely fine.
I am, in fact, the most fine person who has ever been fine in the history of fine. I am so fine that fine should consider retiring from the English language out of respect for how thoroughly I have mastered it.
Students filter in around me.
I do not turn around.
His breathing—I don’t even notice it. The shift of fabric when he adjusts in his seat. Nothing.
The professor walks in.
“Good morning,” he says.
A few people mumble it back.
“Today we’re discussing prosecutorial discretion and the ethics of outcome-based justification. I trust you’ve all read the Brady material.”
The room makes a sound that is not quite assent and not quite confession. It lives in the uncomfortable middle, the acoustic equivalent of thirty people simultaneously thinking oh shit.
I’ve read it.
Obviously.
The professor puts a hypothetical on the board. A district attorney buries exculpatory evidence to secure a conviction against a man she knows is guilty of other crimes—crimes he’ll never be charged with. The outcome is just. The procedure is corrupt. Does the end justify the means?
My hand is up before the question mark has fully dissolved from the air.
The professor’s eyes find me. He nods.
“Ms. Lane.”
I deliver it clean. Citation-backed. Brady v.
Maryland, 373 U.S. 83. The structural function of due process as a check on prosecutorial power.
The argument that the moment you permit outcome-justified procedure-breaking, you’ve handed every bad actor in the system the same permission slip, stamped and notarized, valid for all future corruption.
“Procedural integrity isn’t a bureaucratic formality,” I say, my voice pleasant and precise, the kind of tone that suggests I am stating facts rather than opinions, which is exactly what I’m doing.
“It’s the only thing standing between a functioning justice system and a series of individually justified abuses of power.
The DA doesn't get to make that call. That's precisely why we have constitutional protections, judicial review, and professional rules in the first place.”
A few students put their pens down. The professor nods. Not the performative nod of someone humoring a keen student, but the real nod of someone who has heard an argument he agrees with and is mildly impressed by how thoroughly it was delivered.
I recap my pen.
Satisfaction settles into my chest, warm and familiar, the particular glow of having been right in a room full of people who are now aware of it.
Then, from two seats behind me and one row back, a voice.
Not raised. Not performing. Not the eager hand-in-the-air energy of someone desperate to be heard.
Just... speaking. Unhurried. Confident in that particular way that suggests the thought has already been fully formed, already lived in his head for longer than the thirty seconds since I finished talking.
“With respect,” Jae says, his accent carrying, “I’m curious about what ‘procedural integrity’ actually protects when the system generating the procedure is itself corrupt.”
The room shifts. I feel it—the collective tilt of attention, the subtle rearrangement of bodies as thirty people simultaneously realize that the conversation has just doubled in interestingness.
“If the procedure exists to serve a justice framework that is already compromised at the foundation,” he continues,“is defending the procedure defending justice, or defending the architecture of injustice?”
A few heads turn between us. Mine does not.
But my pen re-uncaps. The plastic makes a sound that, in the quiet of the seminar room, might as well be a declaration of war.
I recalibrate mid-sentence. Which I never do.
I plan. I execute. I do not recalibrate.
Recalibration is for people who haven’t done the reading, who are winging it, who are less prepared than I have been for every single class of my academic career including the one in undergrad where I showed up with the wrong textbook.
But I do it anyway.
“The answer to a corrupt system,” I say, turning slightly—not fully, just enough that my voice carries in his direction without my body committing to the rotation, “is not more corruption.
It's oversight. Judicial review. Professional discipline. Legislative reform. Not individual prosecutors deciding their moral calculus supersedes established law.”
My voice remains controlled. The voice of a woman who is not, under any circumstances, allowing this exchange to affect her pulse.
Jae meets me there. His body language stays loose—one arm draped over the back of his chair, the other hand holding his pen loosely.
“That’s a distinction I think your argument collapses,” he says. “There’s a difference between defending a system and using its tools while working to change it. You’re treating them as the same thing. They’re not.”
We go three full exchanges.
The first: I narrow the accountability point, citing specific mechanisms—judicial review, prosecutorial oversight commissions, the bar’s disciplinary authority.
He acknowledges the mechanisms but presses on whether they actually function as advertised in the jurisdictions where the hypothetical is most likely to play out.
The second: I pivot to the slippery slope—the moment you carve out an exception for the “right” prosecutor with the “right” moral calculus, you’ve created a template for every prosecutor with the wrong one.
He agrees on the slope but questions whether the slope is meaningfully steeper than the one we’re already on, given the existing disparities in how the system operates across different communities.
The third: I bring it back to structure—the system, for all its flaws, is still the only framework we have, and dismantling its procedural safeguards in the name of justice is like performing surgery with a chainsaw because the scalpel isn’t sharp enough.
He counters that, maybe, but then the question becomes who gets to decide the scalpel isn't sharp enough and the real question is who gets to hold it, and whether the people currently making that decision are the ones who should be.
The room is fully watching now. Not the polite, half-attentive watching of a normal seminar discussion, but the kind of watching that happens when two people who know what they’re talking about find the exact point where their understanding diverges and decide to map the divergence in real time, in public, with the specific intensity of people who are both, despite themselves, enjoying it.
The professor steps in with visible delight. His expression is the particular glow of an academic who has just watched two students do his job for him and is not remotely bothered by it.
“Excellent,” he says. “That’s exactly the tension I wanted us to sit with. Floor’s open. Who else has thoughts?”
For the remainder of the lecture, I face forward.
My pen moves across my notes. I capture the professor’s points, the other students’ contributions, the case citations, the theoretical frameworks. My handwriting remains perfect. My margins remain even. My highlighting remains strategic.
And my attention keeps snagging.
On Jae’s contributions to the broader discussion.
The specific construction of his arguments—not showy, not performative, just…
good. The way he doesn’t over-explain. The way he listens to other students before he responds, actually listens, the kind of listening that involves letting the other person’s point fully land before his own does.
The way his English shifts when he’s making a finer point—more deliberate, more exact, the accent receding slightly into the architecture of the sentence rather than leading it.
Class comes to an end and students begin packing up their belongings. Backpacks zip. Chairs scrape.
I am acutely aware that Jae is still in the room.
I can hear the unhurried pace of him gathering his things.
I stand. I shoulder my tote and walk toward the door without looking back but go fucking figure as soon as my foot crosses the threshold, someone tries squeezing past and our shoulders bump.
“Oh, excuse m—” I start to say, then realize who it is. “Oh, it’s just you.”
“Are you always this friendly?” Jae asks.
“I’m actually a fucking delight. I just don’t like you.”
“So I’ve noticed.”
I walk faster, but my short legs are no match for his long stride.
He adjusts the strap on his shoulder, “Hey,” he says, falling into step beside me with an ease that suggests he’s been invited, which he absolutely has not, “Good argument today, hotshot.”
“I was right and you know it.”
He smiles, “I know no such thing.”
“Bullshit.”
My phone buzzes in my hand. I unlock the screen and see an email from the Law and Ethics professor.
*RE: Ethics Project Pairings - Winter Semester*
I open it.
Nope. No. You have to be fucking kidding me.
There, in the pairing chart, is his name. Right next to mine.
Okay, it’s officially official—the universe is actively conspiring against me.