SEVENTY-THREE
WILLOW
Onyx’s hooves clomp through the forest as daylight breaks. I fill my lungs with the scent of damp dirt and leaves.
Korah told me after Caz dealt with Conan, he needed to be alone. I tried tapping in with him right after, but his wall is up.
As much as I wanted to leave Blackwater Manor to find him right away, I kept still. He needed time alone to process, to think, to form new plans.
I like to think all leaders have to take time for themselves to organize their peace.
He’s hurting, and I can feel that—the raw aching in his chest, the burning in his throat to avoid crying. He’s angry too, but this feels like he’s angrier with himself than anyone else.
I tried to give him time, tried to catch some sleep. I got maybe an hour of rest before I woke up again, ready to find him.
I swat a thick bundle of leaves away, glancing at Silvera as she walks along Onyx’s side with a slight limp. As if she senses me looking at her, she turns her eyes up.
“Yeah, I know.” I sigh. “The world is a mess right now.”
She whimpers, facing ahead again.
It doesn’t take long for a familiar cabin to appear. A streak of sunlight is spread across the mossy roof, making it appear like something out of a fairytale. I expect to see a fire burning or to at least smell the remnants of smoke, but there’s nothing.
A heavy panting comes our way along with a blur of black. Cerberus dashes to us with his tongue hanging out and stops in front of Silvera. She sniffs at him as he does her, and I release a steady breath.
Where there’s Cerberus, there’s Caspian.
I hop off Onyx’s back and tie his reins to the nearest tree before taking a winding trail toward the cabin. When I open the door, it’s dark and cold inside. There’s no sign of him here.
I walk back out and round the house. As I do, the scent of bloom runs past my nose. The garden comes into view, bursting with gold Vanorian blossoms and tall grass. Butterflies flutter about before settling on gilded petals.
Just ahead, tucked beneath an overgrown tree, is Caz. His back is to me as he sits on a log, his elbows on his thighs and the bloom I smelled pinched between his thumb and index finger.
“You took your time,” he says as I approach.
“Yeah, well, I figured you needed it.” I swing my leg over the log to straddle it. That’s when I notice the block of silver on the other side of him. Panic swells in my chest.
He steals a glance at me as I stare at the gun, and when he realizes where my head has gone, the skin on his forehead crumples.
“You weren’t about to use that on yourself, were you?”
“No, Willow.” His voice is firm. “I wouldn’t do that to you. Not ever.”
Calm rinses over me as he looks into my eyes, revealing his truth. He pulls from his bloom once more before stamping it out and flicking it away.
With his last exhale of smoke drifting the opposite direction of me, his brows furrow and his shoulders droop.
I reach for his hand and wrap it in mine. “I can feel you, Caz.”
“I know.”
“You’re blaming yourself for something you had to do.”
“Doesn’t make it any less shitty.”
“I’ve already talked to Danica and yes, she’s pissed, but she gets it. She said she would’ve done the same if she were in your shoes. And Alora, she may be upset now, but she’ll know you were only trying to keep the people you love safe. Alora is a forgiving person. She’ll get over it when you apologize. And I’m sure Valden will too.”
He says nothing to that, nor does he look at me. Instead, his head hangs with shame.
I reach for his chin with my other hand, and those crystal eyes of his latch with mine.
“She’ll forgive you,” I tell him.
“Not right away.”
“Maybe not, but Hassha says she’s still taking part in the war. That counts for something.”
His throat bobs, eyes falling to my lips. “It’s not Alora I’m this upset about.”
“Conan?”
He doesn’t have to answer for me to know it. I can tell by the way his head falls again and his lashes fan the apples of his cheeks.
“He betrayed you, Caz. You hardly knew anything about him.”
“He said he had a wife and a daughter,” he murmurs. “They died in a fire, and he couldn’t save them. Selah promised to bring them back if he joined her in the war.”
“And he believed that?” I scoff.
“I don’t know when she came to him. He said she was in his head, his dreams. Could’ve been before Hassha and Korah protected all the territories.” A pained look spreads over his face. “He was a good man, and it fucks with me because I don’t kill good people. He was smart but he was also scared, and he had every right to be.”
I nod, unsure what to say.
“But that’s not what bothers me most,” he continues. “What bothers me is that if I were in his shoes, I would’ve done the same thing.” His eyes lock on mine, unwavering. “If I had to choose between fighting in a war or turning over the one man Selah wants most in exchange for safety and happiness, I’d have done the same as he did. In fact, I’d have done worse if it meant there was a way I could protect my family.”
The croaking frogs and chirping birds fill the silence.
“I understand why this bothers you.” I slide closer and cradle his face in both my hands. “But if you hadn’t done it, we’d all be dead. I didn’t know Conan, but I know you , Caz. You don’t kill good people, but just because you did this one time doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact that you feel guilty about this should tell you that.”
“I just…I know what it’s like to want someone back. You’re willing to do whatever it takes to have it, no matter what it costs. Even if it sounds unreal, you’ll chase after it.”
I press my forehead to his. “I know.”
“I can’t talk like this with anyone else but you,” he murmurs.
I tip my chin to kiss him. “I know.”
At that, a gentle chuckle rumbles in his chest.
I take note of the dark marks under his eyes. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Not a wink.”
I sigh. Climbing off the log, I stand in front of him and offer a hand. He takes it and collects his gun before I can haul him away.
We round the cabin, and I lead the way inside. While the door is open, fur rubs across my bare ankles, and Cerberus and Silvera dip inside, claiming the old sofa.
“I want you to at least take a nap before The Regals come hunting for us.” I study him in his rumpled clothes. His hair is all over the place, like he’s been running his fingers through it all night. “You look like shit.”
“Such sweet words from my darling mate,” he replies, stripping out of his shirt with a smirk. “I’ll start a fire.”
When the fire is roaring, the wolves are resting, and Caz and I are lying on the bed, I stroke his hair while he rests on my chest.
“I love listening to your heartbeat.” His voice is thick, on the verge of sleepiness.
I can’t help smiling. “Yeah?”
“Makes me feel safe.” He carries a hand over my bloated belly. “Can’t wait to hear this heartbeat too.”
“What about names?” I ask. “Do you have any in mind?”
“Hmm. Well, if it’s a girl, I’d love to name her after my mother. Her middle name was Iris.”
“Iris. That’s beautiful.” I gently scratch his scalp, and he moans. “What?” I laugh.
“You know I love it when you do that,” he drawls.
“If it’s a boy,” I say, still scratching. “Warren.”
“Oi,” he sighs. “Iris or Warren Harlow.”
I smile at that. Hearing the names out loud makes this feel all the more real.
“Sleep, Caspy.” I caress his earlobe with the pad of my thumb as he closes his eyes.
Minutes later, the tension leaves his body and he falls asleep.