SYLAS
As I open the door, I’m welcomed with a heavenly waft of something savory and familiar. But it’s not the smell that has me floating like those characters in the cartoons, but the sound that comes from the kitchen.
Striding down the hall, into the kitchen, I drop my duffle somewhere on the floor and march straight to my girlfriend who’s busy cooking and singing a Lana Del Rey song. Anna gasps when I wrap my arms around her waist, nuzzling my face in the crook of her neck.
We just got back from an away game in Michigan. I didn’t expect her to be here because she told me she was working at Clover’s tonight. So seeing her here, cooking my favorite food—rice and beans with picanha steak—is a surprise, the best kind.
“Hi, my love.” I breathe her in, my grip on her tightening.
“Hi.” She melts into my embrace, her pliant body softening against mine, humming along to the music blasting from the surround system.
“I thought you were working tonight?” My words are muffled, my face still very much attached to the curve of her neck.
“Surprise. Happy Valentine’s Day.” She cranes her neck back, head tipped on my shoulder to peer up at me. Her glasses are a little fogged from the steam coming off the pan. It doesn’t take long for them to clear up, and soon I get a clear view of her mesmerizing whiskey eyes.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, meu bem.” I seal the space between our lips, placing a soft, chaste kiss before I pull back.
“Look at us,” I drone, stealing another kiss because I can’t help myself.
“So fucking adorable and in love. Considering this is our first, only, and last relationship, we’re doing fantastic. ”
We’ve been together for approximately fifty-one days. I could get technical with the precise time, but my point is, I’ve never been happier, more balanced, or more obsessed.
Before Anna, I was just going through the motions, doing what I needed to and repeating it all day after day.
But since meeting her, I’m absorbing the little things, really letting myself take the days as they come, enjoying the sunrise and all the stuff that makes life worth living because I get to do it with her.
This is beautiful. She’s beautiful. This song is fitting—“Love,” that’s what I feel, what she makes me feel.
“First, only, and last?” Her light brown cheeks turn a pretty shade of pink.
“Well duh. There is no one after you. Have I not made that obvious?” I drop my chin to the junction between her shoulder and collarbone. “But just in case…yeah, I’m in love with you. There’s no one but you. I love you and will only ever love you.”
Her eyes bulge beneath arched brows, astonishment evident on her face.
Her lips pop open, close, but pry open again.
I think she stops breathing. She’s definitely not blinking.
But I feel the beat of her heart pulse in her body, heavy and frantic.
An array of emotions crosses her face, and I’m not sure whether this is good or not because it’s not even been two months.
So I don’t know if it’s too soon. I don’t know the rules of relationships and when things should be done or said, but this—Anna—feels right, good, and safe.
She’s home. She’s who I want, who I love, who I want to be with forever.
“You don’t have to say it back, and if you don’t feel it, that’s okay.
I just—you are everything to me and I—well, you make me really happy—and I—” Fuck, I’m stammering, shit.
Play it cool, Sylas. “I love you. I didn’t know what loving someone was until you came along, and I know I want to keep giving it to you because you make me feel that.
You make me feel whole, and I—is this corny?
Am I doing too much? I’m talking too much, aren’t I? ”
She shakes her head, eyes misting over. “No, no. Don’t ever stop talking. Don’t you—I love you too.” She smiles wide, and a giggle leaves her mouth followed by another. Her cheeks set ablaze, and her entire body heats where she’s molded against me. “You said the L word.”
Anna spins, setting the large spoon on the edge of the pan. She snakes her arms around my neck, then stands on her tiptoes.
“I did, I said the L word. And you said it too. I knew you were obsessed with me.” I smirk at the crimson color on her face. “You’re adorable. You’re blushing.”
“I can’t help it. You said you love me.” Her smile is mega-watt, and her eyes sparkle. “Say it again.”
“I love you.” I lean down to meet her lips, brushing my own over hers.
“Again.”
“I love you,” I whisper. “Say it back. I want to hear you say it too.”
“I love you,” she affirms, making my heart beat out of control.
I tremble under the heated look in her eyes, and a jolt of electricity runs through every nerve, incinerating them and making my heart burst into flames.
“Yeah you do.” I kiss her once. “We really are adorable. Saying the L word on Valentine’s Day, who would’ve thought? And you’re cooking my favorite meal? What’s next, you’ll tell me you’re wearing lingerie?”
She adopts a sly look, mouth stretched into a cunning grin. “Wash your hands. Dinner’s almost ready.”
As I open the door, I’m greeted by the scent of whatever cleaning product was used to clean my condo, followed by silence and more silence.
Trudging inside, I enter the dark, empty living room. I almost drop on the sectional, but instead, swipe up my guilty pleasure from the island and head to the terrace.
I almost light up the cigarette, the flame close to the tip, but I put think better of it and set them on the table.
My lungs yearn for the burn, and my brain craves the nicotine, knowing it’ll help mellow my mounting anxiety.
But I don’t grab the cigarette, don’t even look at it.
Instead, I fish out my phone and call the only person who will bring some sense of clarity.
It takes a few rings but then Thea answers. “Sy? Hey! Everything okay?”
Leaning my elbows along the railing, I let my head drop. “I fucked up.”
“Another fight? We talked about this.” She heaves a disgruntled sigh. “You need to stop using your fists outside the rink. You can’t—”
“No, I didn’t get arrested again.” It only happened once—after I found out Anna had blocked me.
I hadn’t meant to punch the guy, but he kept antagonizing me, chirping me about my injury.
I was drunk and I didn’t think when I repeatedly slammed my fist into his face. “I saw Anna. She lives in Boston.”
She’s yawning, but I think she forces it to stop. “She does? Did you talk to her? Are you guys getting back together? Did you tell her I told you you’re a dumbass for breaking up with her? Did you tell her I—”
I quickly cut her off. “Yes. Yes. No.” A frown indents between my brows as I remember how she didn’t want me to touch her, like she was repulsed by the contact. “No. I didn’t tell her. It was hard to talk about anything but our daughter.”
Daughter. I have a daughter. A girl. A kid. I have a little human who’s mine.
She laughs disbelievingly. “What did you say? I don’t think I heard correctly.”
“You did, Thea. You did.”
She goes silent, and I do nothing to fill it. My head hurts, and the nausea returns. I don’t feel like throwing up, but I still feel sick.
“You’re a dad?” Her voice is hushed, skeptical, but beneath it, I hear the realization.
“I am. I’m a dad. I have a little girl. She’s two, and her name is Rosie.
” My voice is level, but the words sound foreign as they leave my mouth.
This entire moment feels unreal, like I’m not processing, like I’m outside my body and I’m watching everything happen in slow motion.
“Anna tried to tell me. Multiple times. But…” My voice shakes, fury spiking again.
I grip the railing until my knuckles bleach white.
“Mom and Dad…I don’t know what happened, but they made sure I didn’t know. I don’t know…I don’t know…I don’t…”
“Breathe, Sylas, breathe,” she instructs. “Breathe.”
I expel a shuddering sigh and close my eyes, trying to focus and release the tension holding my body hostage.
“Did you know?”
Thea gasps. “Sylas! What the actual fuck? No! If I did, I would have told you.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. I just don’t know what to think. Mom and Dad, they threatened her.” I explain what Anna told me, and when I’m finished, she goes silent again but only briefly.
“I swear to fuck!” There’s some huffing and heavy stomps in the background.
She’s pacing, I’m certain. “I knew our parents were pieces of shit. But that’s a worse kind of…
what the actual fuck? God, poor Anna. I can’t believe—no, I shouldn’t be surprised.
Of course they would.” She laughs dryly.
“They always need to be in control of everything. They need to—”
“Thea, breathe.” Now it’s my turn to calm her down. “I’m close to hopping on a flight and committing murder. If you stay angry, I’ll get angrier and I can’t.”
“Right, yeah, sorry.” Her steps don’t sound as heavy, her breathing less labored. “I’m sorry. I’m angry for you, for her. This is so fucked.”
“I know…” I roll my tight shoulders forward then backward. The pressure between them is too intense. “I missed her birth,” I say after a beat, the words burning as they leave my lips. “I promised Anna I’d be there for her and I wasn’t.” My bottom lip quivers. “I failed her, Thea. I…fuck…”
“Hey, Sy, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know, and I know you. If you had, you would have been there for her.”
“I still broke up with her. I ended things. If I hadn’t—”
“Don’t dwell on the past. You can’t change it. Focus on what you can do now. What’s going to happen?”
“I’m meeting Rosie tomorrow and that’s all we agreed to for now. I don’t know what’s going to happen after, but I imagine taking things slow. Which is probably the best for all three of us, but I’m going to be there. As long as Anna lets me, I’m going to be there.”
“You’re going to kill it as a father.” I hear the smile in her voice.
That makes my stomach churn. “I don’t know. I feel like I’ve already failed.”
“Stop being so hard on yourself. You didn’t know. It’s not your fault. If Anna’s letting you meet her tomorrow, that means she’s not holding it against you. She’s logical, or did you forget?”
“I didn’t.” There’s nothing about Anna that I’ve forgotten. “I’m nervous.”
“I’m sure you are, but look at the bright side.”
“What’s that?”
“You have a baby with the most badass woman out there. She’s smart, hot, loyal. She’s the best person you could have accidentally knocked up. Maybe this is what you needed to get out of the funk you’ve been stuck in.”
“I’m not in a funk.” I don’t mean to sound defensive. “Did Marc tell you that?”
“Yes. Thank God you got traded to Boston. At least now I can get updates, even if it’s not coming directly from you.”
Thea lives in Toronto, Canada. She’s playing for the PWHL. Since moving, she’s been happier, smiling and opening up more. Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it’s more than she ever did when she lived in New York.
I roll my eyes. “I’ve been busy.”
“Busy doing what? Wallowing in your misery?” She scoffs a laugh. I hear rustling and assume she’s getting in bed. “Marc said you’ve been revirginized.” She snorts.
My brow furrows. “Why are you guys talking about who I do?”
“You’re not doing anyone. If you were, you might not be so fucking insufferable to deal with.”
“I’ve got a lot going on and now I live just a few hours from Mom and Dad. You’d be insufferable too.”
I physically can’t bring myself to touch anyone.
I thought maybe staying away from any girl who looked like Anna would help, but it didn’t.
The one time I attempted to put myself out there was with Gianna, and I felt so disgusted.
The mere thought of being naked with someone who isn’t Anna feels wrong.
I haven’t touched anyone since Anna. So maybe the lack of sex is causing me to feel irritated, but it’s not a big deal. My hand works just fine.
“Right,” she drawls sarcastically. “Well, just so you know…” Her voice softens. “I’m rooting for things to work out.”
“I hope so too. I really want to be in Rosie’s life.”
“No, that’s not what I’m talking about, but you know, you’re not dumb.”
“I know…” She didn’t see Anna’s face though. How she tensed when I wanted to wipe her tears away.
“Be optimistic. I am.” She sounds excited, which is so unlike her. “And when things work out, you’d better not fuck it up,” she threatens, but then the tone in her voice changes. “Anyway, do you have a picture of my niece? I can’t believe I’m an aunt.”
I forward her Marc’s screenshot of Clementine’s Instagram post.
She gasps aloud, then soft coos pierce the speaker. “Sy, she looks just like you. Those eyes, the dimples, the hair. Fuck, she’s precious.”
We go silent once more, and I’m sure she’s stuck staring at the picture too. But then it dawns on me again: I need to tell Harlow. I can already see the media losing their shit over this, spinning things around in the way they love to do.
“Everything’s going to be okay.” Thea’s voice slices through my thoughts like she knew I’d gotten lost in my head. “You’re both going to be okay.