Chapter 34 Ivy
Ivy
The sea breeze dancing around my ill-fitting sundress makes me nearly forget my sundress is ill-fitting.
This vacation is turning out better than I could have ever imagined.
I got to spend time with my family, and I’ll do that again soon, and I’ve spent time with Alex, who I’m certain I’d be falling in love with if I weren’t so stubborn.
As much as he might draw me in. As much as I might want to give in, ultimately, I know what I’m keeping us from is for the best. For both of us.
It’s just unfortunate that I’m the only one keeping us on this side of the line.
I think he had folded without realizing it before he even suggested we pretend.
I watch as a mother and her two young daughters play hand games as they wait to ride the carousel. The mom pokes one of the girls playfully in her belly, and the girl giggles and squeals. “Mummy, stop being silly.”
The girls remind me so much of me and Val.
I feel like I’m watching a video of what could have been.
How would our lives have been different?
How would they be different now? It’s taken me a long time to get rid of the it’s-not-fair mentality I carried around for years.
The fact is, our childhood wasn’t fair, but there’s no reason for me to keep dragging that around.
Alex leans over and speaks softly. “Thinking about your mum?”
I take my eyes from the little family before us. “How did you know?”
“Because I was.” He squeezes my hand.
“The oldest one even has curly hair,” I say, unsure how to handle my emotions as I stand by a carousel, its cheery music an odd backdrop for emotions I usually keep in check.
“I wish I could travel back in time and take you both so you could be in my family.”
I give a weak smile at the mention of time travel. “I’d be kinda like a sister in that scenario.”
“It wouldn’t be an easy sacrifice, but I’d do it.
” He wipes at a tear that has just escaped my eye.
“You know, you’ve turned your life into something far beyond what you were set up to do.
You’re successful in doing something you love, you’re kind and thoughtful.
I imagine one day, if you have children, you’ll be everything your mum wasn’t. You’re incredible for having overcome—”
“But I’m not sure that I have. I have so many issues, most of them centering around the fact that I can’t trust people. And sometimes I think I work so hard because I want to rub my success in my mother’s face. I want to say, ‘Look what I did, no thanks to you.’ That’s not healthy.”
“You could already do that if you really wanted to, and you haven’t. You don’t need to strive for anything you don’t truly want.”
“I know that. At least I think I do. It’s just hard not to want to punish her in some way.”
“Your mum has missed out on you and Val, and her grandchildren. I’m sure no matter what she does to fill it, her life is empty.”
Alex puts an arm around my shoulders and leads me further down the pier. We’re looking out at the water from the end of the pier, my head on Alex’s shoulder because, why not? I feel his phone vibrate against my hip. He ignores it, but I can’t.
“It might be another riddle.”
He gives me a funny look.
“I felt it,” I inform him.
“Ah. Alright, let’s check.” He lets go of my shoulders, and as much as I hate to admit it, my mood instantly drops. It’s not that I was suddenly depressed, but there was a noticeable difference. Good grief.
“You were right.” Alex holds out the phone so I can see.
Once a farm
Also a prison
Now the gardens
You cannot miss ’um
“That one’s bad,” I say.
Alex nods his head in agreement. “This is going to take some Googling,” Alex says. “Unless you happen to know.”
I give him a look that says, “Yeah, right.”
We find a bench and search, until we decide the answer might be Sissinghurst Castle Gardens, which is an hour and a half from where we are.
My gaze is to the ocean. “We could go in the morning.” I turn my eyes to Alex. “It would have to be my last stop.”
“I could take you back tonight if that’s better for you.” He says the words like he means them. Like he wants to do what’s best for me and my trip, but there’s a sadness behind his eyes that I don’t miss.
I put my hand on his knee. “Let’s find something fun to do tonight.”
We leave the pier and end up at The Lanes, which are narrow alleyways lined with shops, restaurants, and pubs. And, once again, we find ourselves standing outside a jewelry store.
Alex turns to me with a huge grin and pleading eyes.
“Alright. You can buy me something,” I concede.
I don’t feel a lot of fight in me at the moment.
He pulls me into a hug, and I’m sure he’s reading too much into me allowing this.
Still, I’ll take it. It feels too good to be hugged.
Especially by Alex. He’s so big, I feel like I’m being totally surrounded.
He releases me and takes a small step back, then runs his hands over my wild hair. “Thank you.”
“Shouldn’t I be thanking you?”
“No.” Alex takes my hand, and we walk into the store.
“No diamonds,” I whisper, and Alex rolls his eyes.
“That’s fine. I think you need an emerald to match your eyes.”
The store is opulent. That’s the only word I can think of to describe the level of luxury before my eyes.
There is nothing cheap, but good enough here.
Most of me hates to think about what he’s fixing to spend, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a little part of me that felt like a kid in a candy store.
I’ve always loved jewelry, but I’ve never had anything real.
Only cheaper items, or ones that may look real to the undiscerning eye, but certainly aren’t.
“Are you sure about this?” I’m again whispering to Alex, like we aren’t allowed to talk at normal volumes in this store. And, honestly, calling it a store doesn’t seem right. It’s more like a museum. People whisper in museums, don’t they?
“I’m absolutely sure.”
Alex tells the finely dressed woman behind the counter—who pretends not to know who he is—that we want to see anything they have featuring emeralds, the lighter in color, the better.
“What if I want a dark emerald, or … a ruby?” I tease.
“We can get whatever you want.”
The woman brings out a selection of jewelry featuring emeralds, ranging from crystal green to grass green. I point to a pair of earrings: simple, thin gold chains that lead straight down to teardrop-shaped emeralds. I hold them up to my ear, looking in a mirror. They’re perfect.
“They’re beautiful, but would they be hidden?” He twists some of my hair around his fingers.
“I could wear my hair up,” I suggest.
“I’d like to see your hair up.” He looks at me like he’s trying to imagine what I would look like with my hair contained on top of my head. “Are they what you want, or do you want to keep looking?”
I know myself; if I kept looking, I would get overwhelmed and never be able to choose. “I want these. They spoke to me instantly.”
Alex smiles and kisses my temple. “Then they’ll be yours.”
He pays, and I purposefully stay away. I don’t want to know the worth of what would at some point dangle from my ears. As we walk out, he takes my hand in his and lifts it to his lips for a soft kiss.
“Wear them tonight?”
I look down at the blue-gray sundress. “I’m not sure this is the right outfit for them. For multiple reasons.”
“Did you bring the red dress?”
***
I had, in fact, listened to both Alex and Val, and packed the red dress.
I pull it out of my bag at our hotel for the night and find it fairly wrinkled.
Of course. I let it hang in the bathroom while I shower, then leave the water running as I smooth my hands down the dress, and to my relief, the wrinkles relax.
I pull my hair into a wild poof on top of my head, making sure to leave some tendrils around my face. I’m giving my cheeks a little color when my phone lights up.
VAL
So… kiss him yet?
I roll my eyes. Val is a hopeless romantic.
IVY
No. And you know why.
VAL
You could let yourself love him.
IVY
Love?
VAL
Sure. Maybe not today, but eventually, yes. Love.
IVY
You know why I can’t.
VAL
You could be missing something that would outshine everything you think is good.
IVY
I can’t talk now. He’ll be here any minute, and I need to get dressed.
VAL
Just think about it. Or don’t. ;)
IVY
Goodbye, Val.
I haven’t told her how my emotions have been all over the place.
How this very morning, I kissed him all over (apart from his lips, obviously) while he sat on the bed we’d shared for the night.
Val doesn’t need to know everything. I swipe mascara onto my lashes and pull on my dress only to find I can’t reach the zipper.
I twist, turn, bend and do all manner of things to close it, because this will not turn into one of those will-you-zip-me-up situations.
Nope. I couldn’t handle it. And, thankfully, I won’t have to, because I got it!
I’m back in the bathroom, putting in my new earrings when there’s a knock on my door. I open it and find Alex standing there in a charcoal-gray suit, his white shirt unbuttoned just the right amount—and wow I might pass out.
He steps into the room, letting the door fall closed behind him as his eyes bounce around my form—taking in the dress, my hair, my face—before lingering on the line of my neck.
He steps forward and runs his hands down the sides of my neck, and across my collarbones before he nuzzles just below my ear, the earring caught somewhere between us.
“You are so beautiful, darling,” he whispers, then kisses me softly on the neck. He backs up a bit, leaving his hands on my mostly bare shoulders. “I hope that wasn’t too much. I—”
“It wasn’t,” I breathe, once again riding the rollercoaster of emotions he brings out in me.
“Good.” Alex uses his index finger to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Ready?”
In this moment, I feel shockingly ready for anything.
For dinner, we end up back at The Lanes at a very elegant restaurant. Alex, or I suppose his assistant, has arranged for us to have a table in the corner, out of the way.
Alex cuts into his steak and spears a bite along with a green bean—as he has done with every bite he has taken since we finished our appetizer of truffle and parmesan chips.
“Why do you always eat a green bean with your steak?”
“There’s something about the flavor of these green beans that I don’t like. I found that I don’t notice it when I eat them together.”
“You could ask for another side.”
“I don’t want to make a fuss. Also, the only other vegetable they have today is creamed spinach. I’m not generally a fan of that.”
“You’re a little bit picky,” I joke.
“I prefer to say I have discerning tastes,” he says, putting on airs.
I nod. “That makes sense. You do seem to have a thing for me.”
I expect him to laugh; instead, he leans closer, and I feel his hand on my knee beneath the table. “I’m afraid it’s becoming more than a thing, darling.”
I know I should stop him right there. I should remind him that we are pretending.
That there is no future for us. Come tomorrow, I will be gone.
But I don’t. I can’t. I don’t know if I’m only trying to enjoy the last of our time together, or if he has broken through my fears and the impossibility of it all.
But his hand has me all out of sorts. I want it to live there.
“I just realized you’re left-handed!”
His eyebrows raise. This was obviously the last thing he expected to hear.
“I was just thinking that it would be hard for you to eat if you kept your hand there since you’re having to use a knife.
And then I realized that it’s your right hand on my knee and that it would be even harder eating with your left hand.
But then I realized, because as you know I was watching you eat, that you were doing it left-handed. ”
He gives me a crooked smile. “Are you feeling nervous? Is it my hand on your knee?”
“I’m not nervous.” Yes, I am. I’m nervous about how I’m feeling.
Or maybe anxious is more accurate. I feel his thumb slide softly against my knee.
“I’m worried about saying goodbye tomorrow,” I admit.
This pretending—if it’s even pretending for either of us anymore—has been better than I expected, which, of course, will lead to some level of heartache.
He’s considering me, as if he’s gauging how to respond. I can tell he wants to tell me tomorrow doesn’t have to be goodbye, but he doesn’t. Instead, he says, “Let’s not let tomorrow ruin today.”
He knows I know how he feels. I guess he doesn’t want to beat that into the ground. Or, maybe, he hopes there will be something about tonight that will speak his feelings directly into my soul, and I’ll be able to see past the roadblocks we would face.
It would be too easy.
I nod and cup his face in my hand in response. He closes his eyes when I drag my thumb slowly across his cheek. I lean in and replace my thumb with my lips and hear his breath catch.
I cannot believe the power I have over this man. Here he is—literally the dream of seventy percent of the world’s single women—and there’s something about me he likes well enough that it changes his breathing. Me. Small town, regular woman.
“You smell really nice,” I whisper as I lean back. “I haven’t noticed this scent before.”
“I bought it today while you were getting ready. I went out in search of some perfume for you but decided that I love how you always smell. And perfume is probably something you should choose yourself.”
I shake my head at him. “And you had already bought me these gorgeous earrings.”
He takes his hand from my knee, then reaches and lets one of the gems rest on his fingertips.
He lets it drop, then trails his fingers down my neck.
“You’re …” He clears his throat. “You’ve always been stunning to me, but there’s something about your hair being up and the curve of your neck that drives me a bit wild. ”
That last part, in combination with his accent, threatens to make me fall out of my chair. He rests his hand against my neck.
“Do I need to take my hair down for you to be able to finish eating?” I tease, trying to bring some levity to a conversation that was getting a little too romantic for my saying-goodbye-tomorrow self.
He slowly removes his hand. “Oh, darling. That would leave me distracted by your lovely hair.”