21. Julia #4
Kai's expression changes at that, although he lets me finish before saying anything.
"Then she compared me to my father and said I always put everybody else first, just like he did.
" I rub my thumb lightly along the edge of the chair.
"Usually that's the part where I apologize, change whatever plans I have and show up because I feel guilty enough that doing what she wants seems easier than sitting with it. "
"But you didn't this time."
I shake my head. "No. I told her I wasn't going to come over just because she made me feel guilty, and then I ended the call."
There is no dramatic reaction from him, but something warm enters his expression. "That's significant, Julia."
"It didn't feel significant afterward." I give him a small, tired smile. "Mostly I felt like an asshole."
"Those two things can happen at the same time.
" His voice stays practical rather than overly reassuring.
"The homework we've been doing wasn't supposed to make the guilt disappear overnight.
The point was for you to notice when somebody else's reaction starts deciding your behavior before you've even worked out what you want. "
I nod slowly.
"And this time," he continues, "you noticed it and made your own decision anyway."
"I did."
"I'm proud of you for that.” The words catch me slightly off guard.
I look at him, and there is nothing exaggerated in his expression, no therapist smile designed to reward a patient for completing an assignment. He simply means it.
"Thank you," I say after a second.
Kai gives a small nod and lets the moment pass without turning it into anything bigger.
I look down at my hands. "The part I still feel bad about is Nanna."
His head tilts slightly. "Why?"
"Because Mom was already taking things out on her that morning, and then I pissed Mom off even more. Part of me kept thinking maybe I should've gone over there, not for Mom, but just to check on Nanna and make sure she wasn't getting yelled at again because of me."
Kai is quiet for a moment before he asks, "When you spoke to Nanna, did she sound frightened?"
"No."
"Did she ask you to come?"
"No. Quite the opposite, actually. She told me not to."
"Did she sound as though she couldn't handle the situation herself?"
A reluctant smile pulls at my mouth. "Definitely not."
Kai's expression softens slightly. "Then it sounds like you're taking responsibility for something Nanna didn't ask you to carry."
I don't answer immediately.
He continues, keeping his tone conversational.
"You can check on her because you love her.
You can visit her tomorrow, next week or whenever you want to spend time with her.
None of that has to happen on your mother's schedule simply because your mother created a situation that made you feel responsible for fixing it. "
That lands more cleanly than I expect.
"So I can go see Nanna without it becoming another way of doing what Mom wanted."
"Exactly."
I let out a breath and settled deeper into the chair. "That sounds ridiculously obvious when you say it."
"A lot of things do after somebody else says them."
I smile faintly. "Convenient profession you've chosen."
His mouth shifts with the beginning of a smile, but he doesn't turn the conversation into another exchange of jokes.
Instead, he glances down at his notes before looking back at me.
"What do you want to do?” The question is simple enough that I don't need long to answer it.
"I want to see Nanna."
"Then go see Nanna."
I nod. "Maybe Sunday. I'll take breakfast over and let her complain about television for three hours."
Kai's expression warms. "Sounds like a plan."
"And I'm not telling Mom beforehand."
"Also your choice."
I laugh quietly, but the relief underneath it is real.
For once, the conversation doesn't end with me feeling as though therapy has peeled several layers of skin off and sent me into the world raw.
Nothing enormous has been solved. Mom is still Mom, and I will probably still feel guilty the next time she decides my independence is evidence that I don't love her enough.
But I didn't apologize. I didn't drop everything, and I can go see my grandmother because I want to see her, not because my mother's bad mood drafted me into cleanup duty. That feels manageable.
When Kai finally glances toward the clock, I know we're close to the end before he says anything. "We should stop there today."
I reach for my bag and stand. "Fine. Before you give me another personality trait to work on."
A little amusement appears in his eyes. "I think you have enough homework."
"Finally."
He stands as well and walks me toward the door, but before I reach it, his voice stops me. "Julia."
I turn.
He is watching me with the same steady expression he had when he told me he was proud of me. "You handled Saturday well."
Something tightens briefly in my throat. "I felt horrible."
"I know." His tone stays gentle. "That doesn't mean you handled it badly."
I hold his gaze for a moment before nodding. "Okay."
This time, I almost believe it.