Chapter 19
Tony
When I come back from the head, Caspian’s on his knees with his face buried between Julia’s legs. He glances up at me. I could get hard again and go until sunrise, but I leave them alone. The bed won’t fit three and tonight’s already been a lot.
Without the engine running, the back deck is quiet. I watch the moon rise over the water. I’m used to the boat’s movement now. Or it’s that much calmer than the night I puked over the side. Both can be true.
His voice in my ear.
I’m here.
Just as I felt him inside me.
You’re so close.
We’ve been locked in a box for decades. Yes. I’m close. Always been close.
I can’t believe it. I’m afraid to be this happy.
Caspian comes out in a T-shirt and the gray sweatpants that were two sizes too big on me.
“Get the fuck up,” he says.
“What’s your problem?” I stand.
“Get over here.”
I don’t have to get over anywhere. He meets me halfway and we hug like long lost brothers. Half of the crew are here together, in the world, breathing and talking. We stand in an embrace for a long time, afraid to let go.
“I can’t believe you’re back.” Fuck me. I’m crying.
“Me?” He pushes me away but holds my arms. “You shithead, I was back first.”
“And last.”
He lets go with a little laugh. I sit back down.
“How is she?” I ask. “For you. How does she seem?”
“Julia? Still a fucking fox.”
“No, I mean, is she overwhelmed?”
He tilts his head as if thinking deep thoughts.
“Maybe.” He sits kitty-corner from me, kicking his bare feet on the cross-couch while I put my elbows on the table.
“Hard to say.” He pauses to breathe in the ocean.
“I didn’t think about it, but I guess, yeah.
It’s a lot at once. I don’t know how it’ll be when we get Enzo and Giancarlo out. All together. The five of us.
I don’t mean to stare at him, but fuck him if he doesn’t like it. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen one of my crew in the flesh. It’s still weird.
“The fuck you looking at?” he asks.
“You think we’re gonna just pick up our lives again and she’s gonna drop hers? This is exactly what I’m talking about.”
“We can’t just say ‘thank you bye’ and fuck off. We owe her.”
“We owe her whatever she wants. You got it? What she wants.”
“What does she want?” He’s suspicious, as if he thinks I know something he doesn’t.
“All I’m saying is, we gotta commit to not steamrolling her.”
“What the fuck do I look like? An asshole?”
Every guy’s an asshole at some point, so yeah. He looks like an asshole because he’s got two nipples and a dick.
Maybe that’s good. Let him think I’m going to get into a pissing match over a woman who should have more love than any one man can give.
“You and I, we got lucky. She likes us. What if Lorenzo shows up and she’s like… yeah, no, I’m gonna skip this one. What do we do?”
He hesitates, and I haven’t even finished coming up with bad scenarios.
“Or Giancarlo?” I continue. “You know how he is with women. We get him out and she just wants him. The rest of us can fuck off. And now she’s along for his ride, whatever that is. What then? Or her feelings change for one or the other, in either direction?”
“You can stop now.”
“I haven’t even started. What if everything goes smooth? Four of us. We all love her. She loves us. But we’re all fucking crazy.”
“Speak for yourself.
“She’s one person.”
“You’re worried there are four dicks and three places to put them?”
“No!” I run my fingers through my hair and put my forehead to the table. “But now I am.”
He grabs the back of my neck and gives me a good shake. “We can all count, Tony.”
I pick up my head. “I want you to imagine this. We’re all out of the box.”
“Been imagining it.”
“Lorenzo’s a lot.” I start counting on my pinkie, but Caspian takes it as an end point.
“He’s a teddy bear with women. He doesn’t even like working on smaller guys.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.”
He doesn’t care. He’s on his own track and he’s riding the train to the end.
“If any one of us hurts… no, even tries to hurt her, they’re out.
If she can’t forget them enough to put them back in the box, we make it so they don’t exist, period.
And I can say that about my brothers without batting an eye because we won’t.
Not one of us. Not you. Not me. Not Enzo or Giancarlo.
And you should know that as much as anybody. Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Are you done?” I hold up my bent pinkie then let it go.
“When did you turn into the boss?”
He may be impressed. He may be annoyed. He may be challenging me. I can’t tell. It doesn’t matter.
“Imagine I’m in a loop. I’m straightening everything.
I’ve got a standing reservation at the sink.
” I hold up my cracked hands. “Lorenzo throws the entire gas barbecue because the propane ran out right before dinner. Giancarlo’s got five schemes going, but he’ll only tell us about four, because the other one involves putting a guy’s face in a blender.
You… I don’t know. You’re trying to run for mayor or whatever. ”
“What about her?” he asks.
It’s the exact right question, and I’m so grateful he asks it, because she’s the point in all this.
“You think she’s going to be happy? She’s juggling our shit with both hands and both feet. How many of us are fucking her at one time is the least of it.”
“She’ll tell us if we’re a problem,” Cas says.
“Or quit.”
“She’s not a fucking secretary.”
He’s not getting it. Of course Julia’s not our secretary, but the secretaries we’ve had, if it’s too much, they could decide to leave. Julia can forget us and we can all turn back into tools. That would suck. Sure.
The alternative is that she won’t leave and she’ll just stay in misery, overwhelmed, emotionally drained, plugging along because she cares about us or—worse, she’s afraid if she forgets us, we’ll be cursed again.
“Here’s my promise, to her, in front of you.
If I have to spend ten, twenty, however many years as a tool to make her happy, then all I ask is you keep me clean and level.
I expect the same from you and Lorenzo, and I don’t want to hear shit from Giancarlo, because if anyone’s going to be too much… ” I end with a hand wave.
“Yeah. True.” He nods into the breeze. “True.”
“Promise me, right here. On Herman’s dick.”
Herman the German was a crane in the navy shipyard. We could see it from our window. When we caught sight of it stopped at the angle of an erect dick, we’d make a wish, or swear on it, or announce it was going to be a lucky day.
“On Herman’s dick.” He puts his elbow on the table and jerks his fist. It’s a generic enough gesture that we could make it at the dinner table in mixed company. But it meant jerking off, and we did it whenever we summoned Herman’s power. “If she’s miserable, make me a fucking screwdriver.”
“Good. Thank you.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes. I have another thing I want to bring up, but I haven’t seen him in so long that I can’t break this peace. I just want to sit with it for a few minutes.
Caspian speaks before I do. “This Gerry guy.”
“He’s a dipshit.”
“She’s worried.”
“I couldn’t finish him on my own,” I admit.
“Not saying I could.” He sits up straight and taps the table. “Enzo though?”
“His name is Lorenzo. And he’d twist Gerry’s head off like a soda cap.”
Caspian drops back. “Something to think about.”
“So.” I clear my throat. “The Montefiores. The bosses. They knew we weren’t paying tribute before they even got there.”
“Yeah.” He waves me off. This isn’t a news flash. He was there.
“I had a third set of books.”
“You what?”
“For the Wall Street shit. You knew. I told you. Do you think I didn’t write anything down?
” I have to stop letting guilt dictate my reaction to his every expression.
“They were off site. The ledgers. I didn’t give Kellie access to them because I didn’t want to lose her.
If she saw how I kept the columns symmetrical, she’d freak out and leave.
So I kept them with my broker. I don’t know how anyone in the old country saw them, but if they were in our office, I’m sure none of this would have happened. ”
“Are you serious?”
“I was the one who pushed to short them. We’re cursed because of me, and I’m sorry.”
“Whatever. Jesus Christ.”
I feared he’d be angry and hoped he’d be forgiving. Instead, he’s mildly annoyed.
“I had to get it off my chest,” I say.
“Kellie wasn’t going anywhere by the way.”
“She could’ve.”
“She didn’t give a shit about your little quirks.” He waves away the possibility. “Giancarlo even trusted her. She had the keys to the kingdom.”
“Then why was she fucking you?”
He reaches over to slap the back of my head. I block him. He laughs. I flip him the bird.
Just like old times.
We argue for awhile, then reminisce about the docks. We talk until the birds go quiet and there’s only the sound of waves slapping the side of the boat.
We’re wondering what other horrors were in that stray crate from the Port of Napoli, when the cabin door opens. It’s Julia in a T-shirt and shorts, her hair in a beautiful tangle. She’s holding a cell phone.
“How long have you been out here?”
“Since you fell asleep,” Caspian answers.
“Come here,” I say, patting the cushion between us.
“Would you open this?” She tosses the phone onto Caspian’s lap then crawls over me to sit in the corner. She watches him unlock the phone. “You’re joking.”
He hands it to her. “About what?”
“Your code is 1234?”
He shrugs. “Easy to remember.”
“It should be 8008 or something like that,” I say.
“Something symmetrical?” Julia rubs her eyes. “You guys are going to make me crazy.”